Metamorphosis (29 page)

“Yeah, I’ll take a glass of milk,”
I answered with a forced smile.

“Milk, of course,” he chuckled.
“Only you, butterfly.”

While he was in the kitchen, I
snapped a picture of the drawing with my phone. I wasn’t sure what it was about
the sketch, but it inexplicably drew me to it, an effect similar to the one
that its creator had on me. In the future when I looked at that picture, I
would be reminded of not only the mystical fairy tale that I continued to hope
for myself,
but
the private moments that Ash and I
spent in his room.

We spent the rest of the night
hanging out as we typically did on Saturday nights. We had a jam session and
watched a little
tv
. We
never discussed Eros and Psyche again, nor did he ever ask me about why I
wasn’t seeing Dylan anymore or what was going on with me and Mason. I wished he
wanted to talk about it, I hoped the thought of me intimate with someone else
made his stomach churn like mine did when I thought about him with his
multitude of girls that passed through his sheets. I had hoped that his jealous
responses to seeing me with
Mason
would make him see
that he should pursue something with me, but suddenly I wondered if it was
jealousy at all that fueled his actions, maybe he really was just protecting me
from someone he thought would hurt me… like a friend would do.

Thanksgiving dinner the following
Thursday with my family had been brutal. My parents treated me as if I had the
plague or if I had killed their favorite pet; they didn’t even bother to put on
a show in front of my grandparents or my brother and his family. I escaped to
Evie’s
house as soon as everyone had left after dinner and
didn’t speak to my parents again that weekend. It really hurt my feelings the
way they had so easily turned their back on me, they gave me no credit for
playing the role of the perfect child for eighteen fucking years. Instead they
chose to base the current state of our relationship over one argument that we
had. I had apologized for the disrespectful way that I had spoken to them, but
not for the words I had said. My mom had told me that it wasn’t good enough. I
was beginning to accept the fact that I would never be close to my family
again. The thought made me sad, but not enough to give in and give back the
little bit of the real me that I had uncovered in the last few months.

The next several weeks passed in
the blink of an eye. The air outside grew colder and the foliage on the trees
began to disappear.
Evie
and I began to prepare for
our first set of finals as mid-December approached quickly. We studied and we
read and we studied and we made charts and we studied… I thought both of us
were susceptible to a brain explosion due to the sheer amount of knowledge that
we attempted to shovel inside.

She saw Max as much as possible
around the school work, even if it meant they just got to sleep in the same bed
a couple of nights a week. They were so adorable together and I loved seeing
Evie
happy all of the time. I continued to see Mason, and
by “see” I meant do every sexual act that I had ever wanted to do with a guy
except actual penetration, several times a week. He would pick me up and take
me to dinner and we would go to the bar for a while either for him to do a set
with
Jobu’s
Rum or occasionally one of us would
perform at open
mic
night. We had a hard time keeping
our hands off of one another when we were together whether in public or in
private. I craved his touch; the orgasmic release that he brought me to over
and over again allowed me to temporarily forget about the emptiness in my heart
that only the love of Ash Walker could fill.

Mason knew how I felt about
Ash,
I had been forthcoming with him from the beginning. He
always told me that Ash was the biggest fucking tool ever for not pursuing a relationship
with me, but that he owed him a thank you because it allowed us time to spend
together. I liked
Mason
, more than I wanted to admit.
His was brutally honest and really didn’t care what anyone else thought about
him. I envied his carefree attitude and self-confidence. I loved being around
him and I loved being wrapped around him even more. It had become impossible
for me to remain emotionally unattached from him, as much as I tried. It seemed
that I was determined to set myself up for heartbreak no matter what.

Ash and I continued
on as we had been…
friends. He, along with Jess, Meg, &
the crew, became regulars at Mason’s bar on Friday nights where he often
performed. I would always go over to say hello to all of them, but never
lingered. Ash never asked me up onstage with him again, but I couldn’t help but
wonder if his song selections at times were made on my behalf. Often the lyrics
hit a little close to home, but I did my best to ignore him and focus my
attention on Mason. The only time we ever mentioned the time spent at the bar
when we were together Saturday nights was when he complimented me on a
performance and vice versa.

Evie
and I introduced Mason and Max
and they hit it off immediately. Together they had booked both
Jobu’s
Rum and 32 Leaves to play at a music festival in
Dallas. The festival was scheduled the third weekend of
December
which
unfortunately, was the weekend before mine and
Evie’s
comprehensive Biology final. We were super bummed that we couldn’t go watch our
men in action, but instead we spent the three days studying and hanging out
like we used to do. We watched girly movies, drank cheap wine, and painted each
other’s toes. Other than the studying part, the weekend was exactly what I
needed. Reconnecting with
Evie
reminded me of what a
wonderful friend she had been to me for so many years. She had taken me under
her wing time and time again, and without her I wouldn’t have been anywhere
near the person I was. I owed her everything, and now that my parents no longer
wanted to be a part of my life, she was all that I had.

Monday morning arrived before I
knew it. I was thankful that after the Biology final, I would be finished with
classes for the semester - my first semester of college in the books,
literally. Luckily the dorms that we lived in did not make us vacate over the
holidays because both
Evie
and I wanted to stay in
Houston as long as possible. Mason and Max were scheduled to be back the
following day and we were both in need of some serious “stress relief.” Sunday
night
Evie
went to bed early because of another
headache. She said she wanted to make sure she slept it off before the exam the
following morning.

I was surprised that by the time I
entered the kitchen in the morning that
Evie
wasn’t
up yet. She always woke up before me. I yelled out to her, “
Evie
,
get your scrawny ass up. We’ve got to leave in 45 minutes.” I went on about my
morning routine, getting the coffee started and making us both a bowl of
cereal. After I didn’t hear her start moving around, I called out to her again,
“
Evie
! Wake up! Come on,
chica
,
you’re cereal is going to get soggy!”
Still no response.

I started to get worried so I made
my way to her room and swung the door open. “Evelyn Rose, get up now!” I
barked, but she did not move. Instantly, I knew something was very wrong. I ran
to her bed and grabbed her arm. I gasped and dropped it immediately. The lack
of color and cold, clammy feel of her skin confirmed my worst fear; she was
dead. Lifeless. My best friend was gone forever. Shock set in instantaneously.
Nausea consumed my entire body. A sob rooted deep in my chest traveled up the
back of my throat and obstructed the
air flow
, forcing
me to breathe in loud gasps. Thousands upon thousands of thoughts crossed
through my mind - it happened so fast, I could not process anything and soon my
head was pounding. I had so many questions. What happened? Why? How long had
she been like this? How did I not know that something was this wrong? How could
this be happening? What am I going to tell her parents? What am I going to do
without her? What am I supposed to do? Why her? Why me? Why? I just couldn’t
stop - I was afraid my brain was going to explode from sheer overload. Thoughts
were moving so fast they were almost a blur. I’m not sure how long I sat on her
bed next to her, it could’ve been 5 minutes or 5 hours, but eventually a warm
numb spread across me. The thoughts stopped for the most part, my stomach
didn’t hurt as bad, and soon I just didn’t feel at all. I was so disconnected,
like I was watching life through someone else’s eyes or something. It was
unearthly almost. Reality hit hard when it hit and I knew I had calls to make,
most definitely the single hardest phone call that I would ever make in my
life.

Eventually I mustered up the
strength to pull myself out of her bed and went to search for my phone. The
call to
Evie’s
parents was even worse than I
imagined. No one should have to tell a parent that their child is dead,
especially not someone that loved the deceased nearly as much as the parents
did. I threw up several times after hanging up with them. Miraculously, I made
it through the phone call without crying. I still had not shed a
tear,
it was like my tear ducts had dried up.

My next call was to 911 and the
appropriate services were dispatched. The operator offered to stay on the line
with me until someone arrived, but I declined. I needed to be sick again.

The next call was to my parents.
Even though our few conversations over the last several months had been awkward
at best, I knew that they would want to know.
My mom was
deeply saddened by the news
,
she began crying
immediately
. She offered my old room to me if I needed a place, I told
her thanks and that I would let her know, but I knew I would never stay there
again. Our relationship had become so
strained,
staying there would be more uncomfortable than I was willing to bear.

I sat on the couch until the
police and ambulance arrived. They asked me questions. I answered them. I did
not feel anything. I just sat there. They took her body and then I was alone.
Completely alone.

Evie’s
parents got there in what seemed
like minutes, even though it must have taken several hours. They found me
sitting on the couch, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think and I couldn’t move. I
heard
Evie’s
mom call Jess to come stay with me so
that she and
Evie’s
dad could go to the hospital.
Jess, Meg, and Ash all showed up some time later. I could see the red rims of
their eyes and the dried up tears on all of their faces. I still hadn’t cried.
What was wrong with me? I thought maybe I was dreaming or maybe it was me that
was dead, but when Jess shoveled scalding hot soup into my mouth and burnt
every taste bud on my tongue, the nightmare that my life had become was
confirmed to indeed be real.

The rest of the day was a blur
really. At some point I got off the couch and moved into my bed, or someone
carried me there, I really couldn’t remember. I woke up there in the dead of
night, screaming at the top of my lungs, the vision of
Evie
dead in her bed had stamped into my brain. Moments later Ash and Meg were both
on my bed, both holding and rocking me as they tried to calm me down. I guess I
fell back asleep because the next thing I remembered was waking up to the sun
peeking through my blinds. They were both still in on either side of me, their
arms wrapped around me. I’m sure the three of us looked ridiculous scrunched on
that full sized bed, but I was relieved they were there.

I got out of bed and headed for
the bathroom. I knew they both woke up when I got off the bed, but neither of
them said anything to me.

“Thank you,” I choked out before I
disappeared behind the bathroom door.

For the most part I was still
pretty numb. It was like my brain wouldn’t allow me to think about it, about
her. I guess it was some sort of self-preservation defense mechanism or
something. But I knew that I couldn’t stay in bed for the rest of my life; I
needed to figure out what was going on, what I was supposed to do next. I knew
that I had to keep moving, one foot in front of the other, just keep moving.
The first step was a shower.

When I got out, Ash and Meg were
no longer in my room. I appreciated the privacy since I had forgotten to take
clothes with me and only had a towel wrapped around me. I threw on some jeans
and a t-shirt and went to face my
Evie
-less future.

I found Ash and Meg sitting at the
table, each holding a cup of coffee, but neither drinking it. They sat
silently, staring at nothing, lost in sleep-deprived thoughts. When I entered
the room, they both stood up quickly and rushed to my side.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” I said
softly. We all knew I was lying. I looked at Meg first, thanking her for the
night before with just my look. She smiled slightly and
said
“you’re welcome” with a nod. Then I turned to Ash. He engulfed my body with his
before I could say a word. He held me so tight up against him, I was afraid he
was going to bruise my ribs. But I didn’t say a word. I needed him to hold me
close. I needed to feel protected and close to someone. I needed to not feel alone