Metamorphosis (30 page)

“Oh, butterfly…” were the only
words he needed to say.

I pulled my head out of his chest
and looked up at him, but stayed snuggled against Ash’s warm body. “So what’s
the plan? Have any arrangements been made? Where are her parents?” I began with
my questions.

Meg spoke up from behind me. “
Evie’s
parents are at our house staying with Jess. They
made arrangements yesterday for a small service this afternoon at the funeral
home’s chapel. They are going to have her cremated so there won’t be a
graveside service.” I flinched when she said the word “cremated.”

“Meg, that’s enough,” Ash scolded
her as he tightened his hold on me.

I shook my head, “No, that’s okay.
She needs to be honest with me and I want to know what’s going on.” I took a
deep breath. “Do they know what happened? Why?”

“Initial reports showed a brain
bleed. They were doing further tests overnight so we should know more today,”
Meg answered again.

A brain bleed? The headaches, the
fatigue, her weakening eyesight… it all made sense. I should have pushed her
to go to a different doctor. I should have made sure that she followed up with
someone when the headaches didn’t go away. I should have done something that
would have saved her life.

“Has anyone called Max?” I blurted
out. Ash and Meg looked at each other and shook their heads.

“No, I don’t think so,” Ash said
quietly.

“I need to call him. He should be
on his way home from Dallas now. He was there playing at a music festival over
the weekend,” I explained as I broke free from Ash’s arms.

“You really don’t need to do that
right now, Scarlett.” He tried to wrangle me back in, but I stepped further
away from him.

“No, I do. He needs to get here in
time for the service. He wouldn’t want to miss it.” I began searching the dorm
for my apartment for my phone when I made the realization that
Evie’s
boyfriend and
Evie’s
parents would meet for the first time at her funeral. I rushed to the bathroom
only to discover that there was nothing left in my stomach to discard.

A few minutes later I had gathered
myself enough to leave the bathroom and make the dreadful call to Max. He
answered on the first ring.

“Hey Scarlett, what’s up?”

“Hey Max, are you guys on your way
home?”

“Yeah, we left a little more than
an hour ago. Why? Is everything okay? Where’s
Evie
?”

“No, Max, everything is not okay.
You need to get home as soon as possible. Come straight here.”

“Scarlett, you are scaring me.
What’s going on?”

“I can’t talk about it over the
phone, Max. I just need you to get here. And please, don’t say anything to
Mason
for me.”

“He’s in a different car, I won’t
see him again until we get back. Scarlett, tell me what’s going on! Where the
fuck is
Evie
? Is she hurt?”

“Just get here, Max.”

I hit the end button and stared at
the phone. Why was this happening to me?

“If you were going to call him,
you should’ve told him, Scarlett,” Ash said. “He’s going to be worried sick.
He’s going to think the worst.”

“He should think the worst, Ash!
She’s dead! That’s about as fucking bad as it gets!” I screamed at him. I
stormed into my room and slammed my door. I threw myself on my bed and hid my
head under my pillow. I wanted to disappear. I wanted everyone and everything
to go away. I wanted to be alone. I still didn’t cry.

Unfortunately, Ash either didn’t
get the hint or decided to ignore it because a few minutes later, I heard my
door open and close quietly. He climbed into bed with me and gathered me into
his arms. He held me close, rubbing my back, and kissing the top of my head.
“It’s going to be okay, butterfly. I promise. I know it doesn’t seem that way
right now, but I promise you are going to be just fine. I will be here for you,
for whatever you need. Jess and Meg and you and me… we are all going to get
through this together, okay?”

I didn’t respond. I didn’t really
think he was looking for an answer anyways. I knew he was saying what he
thought I needed to hear, and honestly, it did make me feel a little better
even though I knew he had no idea if I was going to be okay or anyone else for
that matter. I let him hold me until I heard
Evie’s
mom’s voice carry through the thin walls of the dorm. I got up, knowing that I
needed to be strong for her. She had just lost her only child, and I owed it to her to make this day as painless as possible. There
simply wasn’t room for any more pain.

The funeral was…
well
,
it was a funeral
.
Evie’s
parents
kept it very small and low-key. In addition to a few of
Evie’s
extended family members, Jess was there with Jacob, Nicholas, Vicki, Meg, and
Ash. Mina and all of the 32 Leaves’ members were there to support Max. He
seemed to have taken the same approach to life post-
Evie
as I had -
numb
. I sat with
Evie’s
parents in the front
row,
my parents couldn’t make it
with such short notice. After the priest conducted the formal portion of the
ceremony, they opened the floor to anyone who wanted to speak.

Jess approached the microphone
first. I was so proud of her as she kept herself together as she retold funny
stories of her and
Evie
being mischievous and getting
in trouble when they were kids. Max walked to the front of the room next, his
acoustic in tow. Just looking at him broke my heart even more, and at that
point, I thought that feat was impossible. He pulled a stool from the side of
the altar area and sat down, his guitar in his lap.

“I never in a million years
thought I would I meet someone as perfect for me as
Evie
was. I still can’t believe that she’s gone. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I’m just going to play this song.” I had never heard Max sing or play the
guitar before; he played the bass and occasionally the keyboard in the band.
But he was good, really good. He poured his heart into every word of that song.
When he sang the words, “And if you were with me tonight, I’d sing to you just
one more time, A song for a heart so big, God wouldn’t let it live,” I almost
lost it. I almost broke down in uncontrollable tears. I almost allowed myself
to feel all of the pain that was sitting there, waiting to be let into my
heart. Almost.

It took every bit of willpower I
had to make me move and take Max’s place on the stool once he had finished. I
had to sit down because there was no way that my legs were going to hold me up
for long. Typically, I would’ve been a little nervous to speak in front of
people, especially unprepared, but since my emotion switch was securely on the
off position, I was immune to the nerves as well. I addressed the small
gathering.

“As you all know,
Evie
has been my best friend for forever. There really
aren’t words that can do her justice; she was my rock,
my
everything
. I hope everyone is blessed enough to have someone as
wonderful as
Evie
in their lives. Despite how awful I
feel in this exact moment, and believe me, I never imagined that I could hurt
so Goddamn much, I wouldn’t give a moment back. Not one single moment.” I
managed to make it back to the pew next to
Evie’s
mom
without tripping on an imaginary stump or passing out cold. I didn’t hear much
more of what was said from that point on. I tuned everything out until I saw
everyone stand up and start walking towards the door.

Before the funeral,
Evie’s
parents had spoken with me privately about how they
wanted to handle
Evie’s
things and the dorm for the
rest of the year. They gave me her car, just flat out gave it to me. I tried
repeatedly to refuse, but they insisted that they wanted me to have it. There
were only a few items from her room that they wanted to take with them, a few
photos and pieces of memorabilia. They told me that I could keep whatever I
wanted and they would send someone to box up the rest for donations. In
addition, they told me that they had prepaid for the dorm for the entire school
year, and they wanted me to stay. I still hadn’t decided what I was going to do
about the following semester, but I didn’t want to tell them that then.
Finally, and most importantly, they offered their home to me - anytime, no
questions. I would never forget her mom’s words to me, “Scarlett, you are our
only daughter now, dear. Our home is your home, whenever you need it or want
it. We will continue to take care of you as if you were our own.
Evie
would want that. We want that.” I nodded and thanked
them both. I could not imagine how they could be so selfless and giving at a
time when the most precious thing in their life had been tragically ripped away
from them. I felt like a selfish bitch because all I could think about was how
Evie’s
death was going to affect me, how I was going to
move on… I had given little thought to the utter devastation that her parents
must be dealing with.

Evie’s
parents left directly from the
funeral home to go back home. They hugged me tightly and reminded me that I
could call on them at any time for anything. It should’ve been me saying those
things to them. I said my goodbyes to everyone before heading back to the dorms;
I needed some alone time. Ash and Meg both asked me several times if I was
going to be okay by myself. I assured them that I really needed some time to
get my thoughts together and I wanted to have at least one evening by myself.
They seemed reluctant to let me go, but I promised that I would call or text
them at any point if I needed them and someone would come stay with me.

It was
a little
after 5:00 when I returned to my room
. I just sat on the couch in the
silence, I wasn’t really sure what to do. I considered going ahead and cleaning
out
Evie’s
room, but quickly rejected that idea. I
was grieving, not a masochist. I thought about reading a book, but I knew that
I didn’t have the attention span to focus on anything that required
comprehension. I opted to put a movie on. I looked at figures moving around the
television, interacting with each other, but I had no clue what was actually
going on. I
laid
down on the couch, still refusing to
think about the events of the previous thirty-six hours. My phone alerted me
that I had a text message, so I mindlessly crossed the room to retrieve the
message.

Mason (5:32PM): I missed you, angel. Want to grab dinner?

I hadn’t even thought about Mason
since I had instructed Max not to tell him about
Evie
.
The thought of allowing him to take me to places where I didn’t have to think
about the cruel fucking world that we lived in sounded tempting… really
tempting. But I decided that it was best if I didn’t see Mason. I knew that I
would have to tell him what had happened and I really wasn’t ready to do that
yet. I couldn’t just down right ignore his text. He probably would’ve gotten
worried and come looking for me. At least I liked to think that he would’ve. I
didn’t want to make up a lame excuse either, but I didn’t know what to say.

Me (5:36PM)
Can’t
tonight.
Evie’s
parents came in town today

Mason (5:37 PM)
That
’s cool. Will call
tomorrow

That was the best I could come up
with that wasn’t a lie. He seemed to accept my reason for now, but I knew that
he would start asking questions if I avoided him for more than a couple of
days.

A half hour or so passed and I
continued to stare into nothingness. I decided to do some research online about
the grieving process. I hoped I would come across something that would perhaps
make feel a little better, or at least reassure me that how and what I was
feeling was somewhat normal. As I surfed from site to site, I came across one
in particular that caught my interest. The intent of the page was to offer free
tools and support for anyone grieving a loss of someone special in their
life,
it labeled itself “a healing place.” There were pages
of inspirational quotes and
writings,
suggestions of
ways to honor the lost loved one, and other ideas and exercises to assist in
surviving loss. However, one section of the site was completely devoted to
butterflies and their symbolism of transformation, rebirth, and renewal. The
butterfly was explained to not only represent the deceased, who in their
ultimate transformation changed from their human body to the eternal soul bound
for heavenly bliss, but also the bereaved, who struggled to deal with loss and
unwelcomed life-altering adjustments.

I continued to read through the
some of the material when I came across a quote that really spoke to me. It
reminded me of both
Evie
and myself.

Like
the butterfly,
I have the strength and the hope to believe
In
time
I will emerge from my cocoon…
Transformed.

Kirsti
A. Dyer, MD, MS

I read those five lines over and
over until an idea crept into my mind, and suddenly, I knew what I needed to
do. After a quick Google search of nearby tattoo parlors and directions, I
jumped up and went to my room to get dressed and pack an overnight bag. Minutes
later, I was out the door.