Midnight Lily (Signs of Love) (10 page)

A wave of insecurity washed over me. What
did
I want?
To get better. For you. So I can kiss you, so I can plant my nose in the soft, fragrant spot between your shoulder and your neck and feel like I'm worthy enough to be there, to date you, romance you . . . however that might work. To know about your life. To tell you about mine. What? What did I want?
"To spend time with you," I finally managed. "Just . . . to be with you, Lily. God. I want to be with you."

She stopped and turned toward me slowly. Shrugging, she said, "It just won't ever work. We just don't make any sense together."

I shook my head and leaned against a tree. God, I was still so weak and sick. "You're the only thing that's made sense to me in a very long time. If you only knew." Sweat had broken out on my forehead, and I swiped at it, gripping the tree so I stayed upright. Lily looked at me warily.

"You should get back, Holden. You're not even dressed." I wanted to resist. I wanted to fight for her, but I couldn't and I hated myself.

"Please," I whispered, "please . . ."

Lily walked back to where I stood and brought her hand up to my forehead. "You're so warm," she said. "You should go back inside."

Behind me, Taylor was shouting on the deck again about what a dick I was. I ignored her and Lily did, too, pretending she wasn't there at all. "I want to come with you," I sighed. Her hand slipped down to my cheek. Behind me, Taylor's voice rose and the door slammed again, causing me to curse her name under my breath.

"Didn't I tell you that you should learn to recognize a snake? Or you're likely to step right on one."

I sighed again. "I know," I said wearily.
And they're everywhere. My life is so full of them I'm scared to make a move.

My eyes slipped closed, and I pressed my back against the rough bark of the tree. When I started to slip down the trunk, I caught myself, jerking back to reality.

Lily was gone.

**********

I made my way dazedly back to the lodge, my bare feet scratched and wet. When I got inside, I sagged down onto the couch. Taylor was glaring at me from the other side of the room, her arms crossed under her large breasts. "What in the hell were you doing out there in a towel?" she asked.

I shot her an impatient look. I barely had the energy to deal with her. "I was talking to Lily," I said.

"Who's Lily?" She looked at me blankly.

"The girl. Didn't you see her?"

Taylor narrowed her eyes. "I didn't see anyone. It looked like you were shouting into the woods. What's going
on
with you? I'm seriously worried."

I let out a long breath. What had I been thinking, spending any time with her at all? Oh right, I
hadn't
been thinking. I'd been drunk or high or both. Suddenly I not only felt exhausted, but I felt depressed. A soul-shaking depression that made me want to fall into a black hole. I'd tried so hard to get off the pills and the second, the very second, they were put in front of me again, I'd given in. Of course, it had been in the midst of intense physical agony, but even so . . . I'd hoped I was stronger than that. And now I had confirmation I wasn't. So was I going to give it another try? I shuddered with the memory of how completely awful I'd felt. Was I willingly going to go back there so soon? Somewhere in the background I heard Taylor's phone ring and she answered it, walking into the other room. I didn't attempt to overhear her conversation. When she came stomping back into the room, she said, "Kelly will be back in the morning. She's staying at a hotel in Telluride tonight."

"Good," I murmured, leaning my head back on the couch and throwing my arm over my eyes to block out the light above me.

After a minute, Taylor came over and sat down on the couch next to me. "Can I at least sleep in the same bed as you tonight? I miss you. I miss your arms around me," she said sweetly, trying another tact.

My head felt so woozy, and all I wanted was for Lily to come back. But she wouldn't, and I couldn't go after her in the condition I was in. I had
promised
myself. And I'd promised her. She didn't know it, but I'd promised her, too. Not in those words—but it was what I'd meant all the same. And I
refused
to break a promise to Lily. I just had to make things right with her first, though. "Taylor," I started, "why did you date me anyway? What did you see in me? What did you like about me?"

Taylor looked confused for a moment. "You know what I like about you. Was I so hard to read?" She ran one finger down my arm.

"Other than the . . . physical, though."

Taylor sighed. "Does there have to be more than that? Isn't that enough?"

I thought about that for a second. I guessed, for a while, that was all I went after. But had it ever brought me more than momentary satisfaction? "No, it actually isn't. And Taylor, you can do better than that, too, whether you realize it or not," I said, pulling myself up into a standing position, one hand on the couch for leverage. "Good night. If Kelly gets here before I get up, I'll say goodbye right now. And for the record, we are broken up."

I heard her gasp of surprise, but she didn't come after me. I locked the door behind me once I'd climbed the stairs to my bedroom. And with that, I collapsed on the bed and fell fast asleep, Lily's sorrowful face following me into my scattered dreams.

Lily

"The garden is bursting with flowers," my mom said, picking up a stem and clipping the bottom before placing it in the vase with the others. "Smell those roses? That's what real garden roses smell like, not those store-bought ones that barely have any fragrance at all." She made a clicking sound as if the idea of store-bought roses offended her greatly.

I looked up from my book. I'd been reading the same paragraph again and again and still didn't know what it said. "They're beautiful," I murmured. "I like the white ones with the yellow in the middle."

"Narcissus," she said softly before I tuned her out again.

A woman.
There'd been a woman with Holden. A beautiful, half-dressed woman. My gut clenched, and I felt tears threatening.
You're so stupid, Lily.
Of
course
I was stupid. Holden probably thought I sounded like someone who'd never left her house, rarely interacted with anyone at all. Because that was the truth of the matter. The women he dated were probably sophisticated and worldly. They probably talked about . . . talked about . . . I huffed out a breath. Well of course I had no idea what they talked about. Which was actually the whole point. Despair overwhelmed me.

" . . . glad you agree!" I shook my head as I realized my mother was speaking again.

"I'm sorry, Mom, were you saying something?"

My mom rolled her eyes. "Yes, but it really wasn't anything important. I answered for you. Recently I've been having the most interesting conversations with myself—very stimulating actually."

I offered a small smile. "Sorry, I got lost in my own head."

"What have you been thinking about so intently lately?" She gave me a speculative look. Half speculative, anyway. The other half of her face, the deeply scarred half, mostly failed to move at all.

Shaking my head, I said, "Nothing in particular." I pretended to read the book again. In my peripheral vision, I could see that she watched me for a moment and then sighed before going back to her arranging.

"Purple crocus, royal blue iris," she said, placing flowers in the vase. She brought one to her nose and inhaled. "Mmm. Hyacinth," she said. "Doesn't it smell wonderful?" She clipped the stem and placed that one in the vase as well. "There are so many vegetables in the garden here, too—lettuce and cucumbers, beets, potatoes, squash."

I nodded absently. My mind wandered again. Had Holden lied when he'd said there was something he needed to do? Was that just something he'd said so I didn't bother him while the woman was there? So he could walk around naked with her to his heart's content? Because that's what he'd been doing. I'd gotten an eyeful, and it was not disappointing. I kind of wished it had been. And yet, despite what I'd seen, he'd run outside to
me
, leaving her there. I didn't know what to feel . . . confusion, sadness, hope?

I shook my head, trying to shake off all the questions, all the doubt. I shouldn't care so much. So he had kissed me. So what? It wasn't like this could go anywhere. It was worthless to mourn the loss of something that could never be. I'd just . . . I'd thought he liked me the way I liked him. Despite not knowing him very well, I'd
trusted
him. My stomach cramped with remnants of the terrible, painful jealousy I'd felt when I'd seen them through the window. Her on top of him, his hands on her hips.
Naked
him.
Beautiful
her. And watching from the distance . . .
idiotic
me.

Maybe the other woman didn't even matter. Even if he really did want to spend time with me here, maybe it was better that he'd have someone to go home to. It wasn't like he was going to stay in Colorado permanently. 

I glanced over at my mom and saw her grimacing and moving her face as if flexing it, as she placed the last flowers in the vase. Sympathy overcame over me. Lost in my own world, I'd been ignoring her lately. "When was the last time you applied any of the cream the doctor gave you?"

She shook her head. "Not in a couple days."

"Mom, you need to use that consistently. It works best that way, and you know it. Your skin is all tight now because it's dry. No wonder it's uncomfortable. Here, let me put some on for you."

She nodded and went into the other room to wash her hands and then came back and sat down in the chair next to the fireplace, leaning her head on the back, her shoulder-length blonde hair cascading over it. I could see strands of gray woven through it now, and they sparkled in the firelight as if they were glittering pieces of tinsel like she used to toss onto our Christmas tree. We didn't use tinsel anymore. I wondered why not. I supposed it had gone out of style, but I'd loved it. Shaking my head free of the memory, I grabbed the small tube of cream and stood behind her, using a small bit of it on my fingertips to massage it into the thick, crisscrossed scars on the left side of her face, and down her neck. She sighed. "Thank you, darling, that's better. What would I do without you?"

I smiled, but my heart squeezed painfully to think of her without me. All alone. Sometimes I dreamed of going somewhere where there were lots of people, where I could sit and watch them without hiding, where maybe they'd even talk to me, too. I dreamed of things I didn't dare share with my own mother. I dreamed of things I knew could never be real.

"I like that dress, by the way," my mother said.

I smiled. It was my favorite, too. The white lace.

"You probably shouldn't wear dresses into the woods, though. You're bound to ruin them."

I shrugged. "If I don't wear them, they'll eventually just rot away. They deserve to live a little, don't you think?" I asked, smiling. "What will be done with them otherwise? Donated to some vintage clothing store eventually?"

My mom smiled back, the right side of her mouth tipping upward more than the left. "I suppose they do deserve to live a little, being that they've been packed away in a dark basement for so long," she said and cracked one eye at me, smiling bigger. Why did I feel like that was a good description of
me
? Kept in the dark.
Forgotten.

"Well good, because I'm giving them plenty of new memories." I continued rubbing the cream into her skin.
I'd even received my very first kiss in one of them.

After a minute, she asked. "Where do you go, Lily? When you go into the woods—where do you go? You're away for so long, all day sometimes."

"Not far," I answered. It was a lie, I knew. "I like it there."
It was where I felt alive.
"Sometimes I just wander and . . . lose track of time, I guess."

"I worry about you. It can't be one hundred percent safe."

"Nothing is, Mom." I sighed. "There's no need to worry, though. I promise."

"You don't go far? You won't get lost or anything?"

"No, I won't get lost."

"And you don't ever
see
anyone, do you?"

"Who would I see? It's the middle of nowhere, in the woods."

"I don't know, hikers or—"

"There are no trails in these woods, Mom."

My mother's eyes, clear and green, were opened now and she studied me closely, her expression a mixture of confusion and sadness. She seemed to look at me like that a lot lately. All the time, actually. But she didn't ask any more questions, and I was relieved.

"You could come walking with me, you know."

She pressed her lips together. "I walk in the garden. That's enough for me."

I sighed. She'd never change, never venture out. So where did that leave me?

"We have to think about leaving, you know. We only planned to be here for the summer. It's already the end of August. It's going to be your birthday soon. What do you think about leaving right before?"

I frowned. Despite what had happened with Holden, I wasn't sure I was ready to leave yet. Here I had freedom. "Can we think about it? It's still so beautiful in the forest. And you love the garden, right? You're happy here, Mom?"

She nodded, and I smiled down into her beloved face, my eyes moving over the familiar lines of her features, my heart suddenly filled with a terrible, aching sadness. "I love you," I said, swallowing the strange emotion.

That whole business with Holden had crushed me more than it should have. I had trusted Holden, been swept away, and now I was left empty and confused. My emotions were all jumbled up. My mother gave me a tender smile.

"I love you, too, my darling Lily. I always, always will."

As I continued to smooth the cream over the half of her ravaged face, my mind insisted on returning to Holden.
Will you be waiting for me, Lily? Yes.
I'd been foolish to promise something so recklessly. So, how far
would
I go back into the woods? I wouldn't go near his lodge. I wouldn't. I'd stay away. I would not subject myself to the pain he was sure to bring. I'd received my first kiss, and I'd have to hold on to that. It didn't have to mean any more.