Midnight Lily (Signs of Love) (4 page)

Holden

Late that afternoon as I sat outside in the fresh mountain air, drinking a steaming mug of coffee, I felt a little more alive. I'd taken a pill—just one. Just to take the edge off. I'd woken from my dream . . .
hopeful
I guess, and I'd tried to go without today, but the nausea was just too severe. I'd wean myself off . . . I'd take fewer and fewer until . . . I let out a long sigh. I'd tried that before and it hadn't worked. But maybe up here it'd be different.
You have to be the one to make the choice . . .

The girl . . . if she
was
out there, what was she doing right now? Was she in those woods? Alone? She must be well equipped to take care of herself, which made me feel even more lame for having let a pig put the fear of the devil into me. Hadn't I been fearless once upon a time? Hadn't I? Why had I run? I couldn’t remember now. But then again, I couldn't remember a lot these days.

Sitting there on the deck, staring into the forest, the vague hint of hope coursing through me, I made a decision. I was going back in those woods
today
, I was going to find her, and I was going to solve the mystery of who she was.

An hour later, feeling that same excited resolve I'd felt when I'd first set out to find her, I entered the woods.

The day was mild and the forest floor was cool and misty under the thick canopy of trees. I walked what I thought was the same path I'd walked the last time. Determined to shake off the strangeness and the fear of my last trip into these woods, I made a concerted effort to appreciate the wild beauty around me, bending to look at hollowed-out logs and clusters of wild mushrooms.

For a Midwestern boy like me, these woods were all new and different and for the first several hours, I was again caught in that lost place of boyhood adventure. As a kid I would have loved this forest—building forts out of rocks and sticks, pretending to be an explorer. I'd been filled with life and hope and excitement once, hadn't I? I must have—I couldn't grasp the feeling now, but I knew I had been a happy kid, a boy who’d dreamed anything was possible and found joy in simple things. Maybe even a boy who should be mourned, because
he
was gone now, replaced by the wastrel of a man I'd become.

I called out for the girl but with a little less enthusiasm. It'd been hours and I was starting to doubt myself again.

I walked for a while longer, before I finally decided to give up and go back. I was getting cold despite the mild weather outside this thick forest, and I hadn't brought the proper layers, underestimating the temperature drop as the day wore into evening. And I was feeling sick again. I needed a fix. My ears were ringing slightly, and my skin felt strange like it did when I hadn't taken a pill for a while: pulsing and electric. I hated it. And I was disappointed, depressed even. I hadn't even seen a whisper of the girl.

I started back the way I'd come but suddenly realized I'd been walking over flat ground for a while—not uphill like I'd done the other day. Then it had been easy enough to get a feel for direction, because I'd simply returned downhill. But now, looking around, worry began fluttering through my gut. A crack of thunder cut through the trees. "Fuck," I muttered. Surely I wasn't lost. I started walking back the way I thought I'd come, but I felt turned around, unsure, my heart now pounding out a staccato beat in my chest. Branches swayed in the mounting wind and a sudden bolt of lightning streaked across the sky, for a brief instant lighting the forest an eerie, glimmering white.

And then the rain came.

The muted light shining through the trees dimmed even more as dark clouds moved across the twilight sky, casting the forest in silvery shades of gray.

I pulled out my cell phone, trying to get a signal, but it was useless. Of course there wouldn't be service up here in the midst of this thick forest. "You're in the middle of fucking nowhere, idiot," I mumbled to myself. Walking again, I moved more quickly, fighting brambles that seemed to reach out and grab me, twisting away from branches that snagged my clothes, tripping over things I could no longer see at my feet, falling once and feeling sharp pine needles and pieces of fallen bark dig into the flesh of my hands.

"Motherfucker!" I yelled, standing up and stopping, turning in a full circle. What in the hell had I been thinking? I'd tried this before and been beaten then, too. Why had I imagined it was a good idea to give this another go?

Because of her.

I was such a stupid fuck sometimes. So now I had to face the facts: I was alone in the woods, no shelter in sight, in a hostile environment that had already gotten the best of me in more ways than one, in a fucking rainstorm.

Out here it didn't matter that I had millions of dollars in the bank. It didn't matter that I was a superstar in some people's minds, or a tragic fuck-up in other’s. It didn't matter that I had a Super Bowl ring or a fleet of cars.

It didn't matter because the forest didn't care.

And truthfully, it didn't matter in general. None of it had brought me happiness, not one single bit. And what were you supposed to do when you had everything in the world and not a goddamned
bit
of it brought you joy? Where did you go from there? What was left to offer any hope?

I'd tried it all . . . I'd tried it all. Goddamn, I'd tried it all. I sat down heavily on a large boulder, looking around bleakly, hardly able to see anything through the heavy sheets of rain. I was going to die here, either of exposure or by being skewered by a wild boar. Or maybe worse. Probably worse. And I cared about the dying, but I wasn't sure if I cared about being dead. There was peace in death. Quiet.

I was lost, my hands bloody and abraded, out of breath, nauseated, and so damn . . . sad.
I was so fucking sad.
I felt stripped bare, and all that was left was fear and such terrible sadness. I tilted my head up to the rain and felt it mixing with the hot tears running down my face. Christ, now I was crying? This forest had unmanned me in ways I didn't even want to think about, especially now when I was directionless and alone.

"You've lost your way," came her voice. I lowered my startled gaze and found her standing next to a tree, watching me. Her hair and clothes were drenched by the rain, although she didn't seem to notice. It was as if she had been formed from a magical combination of my own desires and the night itself.

I hesitated for a long time, just looking at her, wondering if she
was
a dream, letting her words sink in through my skin, right into my heart, my soul. "Yes," I whispered. "Yes, I know."

She nodded slowly as if in complete understanding. "Come," she said. "I'll help you find your way again."

Relief flooded my system so fiercely it made me dizzy, as I stood and walked toward her, my eyes taking in her details as I drew closer. Her hair was very dark, maybe even black, though it was difficult to tell since it was soaking wet. She had it braided, and it was hanging over one shoulder. Loose tendrils had escaped and were stuck to her cheeks. And her face, God, her face.

She was . . .
beautiful
.

For a moment, I simply stared.
Was
she real? Her white lace dress was plastered to her body, showing delicate curves beneath. She had on a pair of brown boots with thick socks sticking out of the top, but no jacket.

"Aren't you cold?" I asked dumbly, a shiver wracking my body, my teeth visibly chattering.

She smiled, her face moving from stunning to breathtaking, her beauty almost otherworldly. "No."

I blinked at her, wondering at how she'd appeared out of the mist. "Are you a dream?" I mused aloud. "Or maybe a . . . ghost?"

She tilted her head, her gaze intent. "I can't imagine being anyone's dream. But a ghost?" She looked thoughtful for a moment, something entering her expression that I didn't know how to read. "Maybe," she whispered. "Yes, I think I might be." And with that she turned and moved in the opposite direction I'd been walking.

I wanted to speak to her, to ask her what she'd meant, but my teeth were chattering so violently I could barely form words, and the headache that had begun earlier was now a hammer pounding at my skull. So instead, I focused on her back and the sweet curve of her ass under her wet dress as she moved surely and swiftly through the forest, leading me out of the darkness, into the luminous glow of the moon. The rain dwindled and then stopped altogether, the night birds seeming to come alive all around us as we walked.

"What's your name?" I finally managed as we walked through the glen I recognized from the other day—the one where I'd seen the pig—and started downhill.

She glanced back at me, biting at her lip, seeming to be considering whether she'd answer or not. But finally she said, "Lily. My name is Lily."

"Lily what?"

"Just Lily."

I caught up to her and walked beside her now that the trees were sparse and there was room for two. Her breath clouded in the air just like mine. If she was really a ghost, she was unlike any ghost I'd ever imagined. Okay, so she didn't want to tell me her full name, but I had to find out something about her. "Where do you live? I was told the nearest town is a couple hours away."

She nodded, looking at me warily from under her lashes. "I live close by."

"But—"

"You shouldn't come into the woods if you don't know where you're going," she said, looking ahead again, back to where we were walking.

I stopped moving and she stopped next to me, gazing up at me questioningly. I hadn't been prepared for
her.
But I definitely hadn't been prepared for her eyes in the light of the moon: wide and almond shaped, true violet, framed by lush, dark lashes. For a moment my breath hitched. I'd never
seen
eyes like hers. "I know. I . . . well, I was looking for you," I said distractedly, before I could consider a different answer.

She studied me, her expression suddenly perplexed. "Me? Why?"

I ran my hand through my wet hair, feeling more off balance than I ever had in my life. Why did I suddenly feel like an eighth grade boy at the middle school dance, trying to make conversation with a girl? "I . . . well I saw you, um, the other day . . ."

"At the edge of the forest? Yes, I know. I thought you were going to drown in that hot tub." She cocked her head to the side.

"Oh, uh . . . yeah, it probably looked that way. I just fell asleep. Thank you, though."

"For what?"

I shrugged and rubbed at the back of my neck. "For caring about me." I cleared my throat. "The thing is, Lily, I thought I saw you a few times, and I was curious about you. I wanted to . . . introduce myself."
Introduce myself? Really? What the fuck is wrong with you, Holden?

Lily swiped her tongue along her bottom lip, her brow creased, staring at somewhere just behind me. Finally her eyes met mine again. "Well, it's nice to meet you, Holden Scott, God Among Men."

I stared at her blankly for a moment, memory finally dawning. "Oh, shit," I muttered under my breath. "Uh, about that . . . I uh—"

She laughed suddenly, her white teeth flashing at me in the light of the moon, and then she turned. "I should apologize for spying on you." But she didn't sound sorry. "Goodbye, Holden Scott."

I stepped after her. "Wait! Please don't go. I live right over there . . . temporarily, I mean. For now. I live there. Do you want to come in for a drink? A beverage or . . . or a meal or something?"
A meal? Like she was homeless?
"Not that you look hungry. Just that I'd like—"
Jesus.
I grimaced.

Lily laughed softly again and I couldn't help but join her, feeling embarrassed, glancing at my feet before looking back into her eyes. "That god among men thing was obviously a gross overstatement."

She raised one brow. "Obviously." But the smile turned her full, berry-pink lips up again, and there wasn't anything mean in her expression.

"Do you know who I am?" I asked.

Lily looked at me in confusion. "I just told you I know your name. Holden Scott."

"No, I mean, not my name, but do you know who I am?"

The look on her face was utterly confused and I let out a long exhale. "Never mind."

"You should go warm up and get some sleep." When she began to turn again, I stepped after her once more.

"Will you come back tomorrow?" Even I could hear the desperate note in my voice.

Lily paused and regarded me for so long, my heart began to thrum faster with nervous hope. "Yes. Meet me right here tomorrow at sunset. She looked up at the moon and then back at me. Victory coursed through my veins. She was going to meet me again tomorrow. "I have to go."

"Okay, Lily of the Night. Thank you."

She turned around, walking backward as she went. "Okay, Holden, God Among Men. You're welcome." And then with a small laugh she turned and ran into the woods, disappearing into the darkness.

I looked down, smiling at my own feet, noting the mud caking my shoes and the deep footprints of where I'd stepped in the soggy ground. My eyes kept roaming, looking for Lily's footprints next to mine, but once again, it was as if she'd never been there at all. Not a trace of her was left.