Miles From Home (19 page)

FOR THE FIRST time I feel like my life has meaning and with Ellie I now know I have a purpose. I want to be the best dad I can be to her, which is why I’ve decided to make Savannah my permanent home. I’ve missed out on the first three-years of her life and I don’t plan on missing any more. I’ve been searching the internet real estate market for houses and I think I’ve found the perfect one.

As I pull up to the large brick home, I stand back and try to imagine Ellie playing in the front yard. I know it’s a bit larger than I had planned, but I’m tired of the cramped space I’ve been living in for the last month. Condo life is definitely not for me. The fact the house has a pool makes it even better.

“Hi, you must be Sam Austin,” the realtor says, getting out of her car.

“Hello Kim. Thank you for meeting me on such short notice. When I saw this house on the internet I didn’t want to wait. I’m hoping to find a house within the next month,” I say. I follow her into the large entryway and note that the house is much larger than I had expected. I follow Kim from room to room while she points out all the nice features.

“As you can see, Mr. Austin, there are hardwood floors throughout, with an open concept.” I follow her upstairs to check out the four bedrooms.

The house is move-in ready which means all I will have to do is buy furniture and everyday necessities, which is also a plus. After my tour of the house, Kim gives me all the purchase price information and her business card.

“I really love it, it’s perfect,” I say, as we walk down the steps. “I’ll call you maybe later today or tomorrow to let you know whether I want to go forward with it or not.” Kim smiles and tells me she will write up an offer just as soon as I decide.

On my drive over to see Ellie the next day, I struggle with the idea of whether I should tell Maggie about the house. I want her to know that even though I will be traveling most of the time, I plan on spending as much time with Ellie as I can, even if it’s for a day or two. My real dream would include Maggie as well, but I know that will never happen. Maggie has made it clear to me that she and Josh are a couple and she’s happy with him. But it’s her eyes that tell me a different story. She’s so easy to read when I look into those eyes. Some days I see her watching me and smiling that familiar smile. I know she can feel that my feelings for her are just as strong as they were that day we said goodbye, so I’ll be patient and maybe one day it will happen.

When I walk up to the house I can hear Ellie and Maggie laughing, so I stand at the door, lingering a little longer and listening before I go in.

“Hi, Sam!” Ellie screeches when she sees me as I sneak up behind her. Ellie still calls me Sam and I’m okay with it, for now.

Maggie looks up and smiles. “Hey, Sam, I didn’t hear you come in.” I sit beside her at the kitchen table, and the smell of her perfume stirs old familiar feelings.

Ellie holds up a paper that has stick figure drawings on them. “Look, Sam, it’s me and Mommy.” I gaze at the picture when she hands it to me, feeling a small sting, wishing it was the three of us in the drawing.

As I sit next to Maggie, watching Ellie play, I can feel the electricity that flows all around the two of us and it’s hard to keep my eyes off of her. I want to touch her and hold her, but I resist the urge as I turn my attention to Ellie . . . Maggie is the one I desire, but Ellie is my purpose.

My heart broke the day Maggie told Ellie I was her father. I wanted to be a part of that conversation; we had even talked about it. But the real hurt came when I found out she was seeing someone. At that point I was angrier with myself for not telling her my true feelings for her. And each time I visit Ellie, Maggie is barely visible. It’s hard not to feel the tension between us after the argument we had. I try to keep our conversations as brief as possible and I’m sure she can tell I’m still hurt, and every minute I spend away from Maggie, is sixty seconds my heart longs for her.

As I spend my last week in Savannah, I shop for furniture and various things for the house. I pick out a white four-poster bedroom set for Ellie as well as a pink and purple bedspread with a ton of pillows to match. The saleslady assured me that Ellie will fall in love with it, and they will have it delivered and set up before I leave town.

As I board the plane, a sense of dread washes over me. I hate the thought of leaving Savannah, knowing it will be awhile before I see Ellie again. As I get settled in my seat I make several calls before my flight to Chicago leaves. I call my sister Karen to let her know when I’ll be landing and the latest with Ellie. My plan is to take Ellie home to Oklahoma soon to meet her and my dad, when my schedule allows it. My next call is to my manager, Adam. He gives me the rehearsal schedules and the information on my next show date and I explain to him that I need to clear anything that might interfere with Ellie’s birthday in a few weeks. My last call is to Ryan, who’s been the big brother I never had; he’s always given me good, sound advice anytime I asked for it, and I need it now more than ever. Even though I know he will give me shit for thinking that Maggie and I may someday have a future together, I still value his opinion.

Over the next few weeks my head is in a fog. I can’t seem to concentrate on my day-to-day tasks without thinking about Ellie and Maggie, even though I talk to them daily. I make my flight arrangements for Ellie’s birthday and I pick out a pink Jeep to be delivered to her house the day before her special day. The days seem to drag as it gets closer and I find myself trying to mentally prepare for when I see Maggie.

When I pull into Aunt Virginia’s driveway, I notice there are several cars parked along the street with several little girls jumping out and running towards the house. I wasn’t expecting to run into Josh as I climb the front steps. “Hey, Sam. How are you?” he asks, as we both walk into the house. “I’m okay, how are you?” After we exchange pleasantries, I look around for Ellie and when I spot her in the backyard, I walk through the kitchen. Looking up, I suddenly lock eyes with Maggie as Josh hugs her from behind. I try to tear my eyes away but I find it completely impossible.

Josh and I decide to spend our one-year-of-dating anniversary in Cancun, Mexico. He made all the arrangements while I made sure that Sam was going to be in town for Ellie. It wasn’t easy coordinating our schedules so that Ellie could spend this time with him, but I want to give them every opportunity I can. This will be the first time I’ve spent more than twenty-four hours away from her. I wrote everything down and made him a schedule so he would know when to have her to school and when to pick her up. Aunt Virginia will be here to help out if he needs her.

As I kiss Ellie goodbye, I turn to Sam. “Please make sure she calls me every night before bed.” I say, buckling her in the booster seat.

“I’ll make sure. Stop worrying, Maggie.” Sam says, as he winks at me and climbs into his car . . . Yes, that wink caught me off-guard and I’m sure I look like a deer in headlights as I wave goodbye. As our plane taxis down the runway, Josh leans over and whispers in my ear. “Relax, Maggie, she’ll be fine. Sam loves her more than anything and he’ll make sure nothing happens to her.” As I try to relax, he kisses me on the neck.

The resort Josh booked is amazing. Everything we need is right here and as we sit in our plush lounge chairs sipping tropical drinks, I finally feel a sense of contentment. I’m not sure if it’s the drink or the tropical feel in the air. Our first night, Josh orders dinner through room service and we enjoy it on the huge terrace that faces the beach. As the warm tropical air gently blows around us, Josh stands and takes my hand, leading me to the bedroom. He kisses me while he lowers me onto the bed.

“I just want to make love to you, Maggie,” he whispers in my ear.

“That’s exactly what I was hoping you would do,” I say, as he lifts my sundress over my head. My body responds to Josh’s touch, and I moan slowly when he touches all the right spots.

Josh whispers in my ear, “You feel so good, Maggie. I wanna hear you as you come.” Josh pushes deep inside of me and I arch my back.

“Oh yes! Josh, harder!” I scream. Just before every sensation I’m feeling crashes together, Josh pushes one last time deep inside of me. He then wraps his arms around my exhausted body as I close my eyes.

“I love you, Maggie,” he says. “I want to marry you and make you happy.” I close my eyes as guilt washes over me, wishing those words were coming from Sam instead of Josh. I lie awake for most of the night trying to convince myself that Josh is the only one for me, and although I do have deep feelings for him, I’m almost certain my heart belongs to Sam.

The next four days are filled with lots of sunbathing and tropical drinks, and I try to focus on enjoying my time with Josh.

On our last day in Cancun, Josh runs down to gets some fresh fruit for our breakfast while I jump in the shower. We’ve planned a day of sightseeing at the Mayan ruins, which I’ve been looking forward to all week. As I raise my right arm to rinse the soap, I feel a lump in my armpit. It’s not a huge lump but it’s not small either. At first I blow it off to be nothing, but as the day passes, I become more aware that it’s there. Being a nurse, I tell myself it’s nothing to be concerned about, so I forget about it and go about our day as planned.

When Josh and I pull into Aunt Virginia’s driveway, I can’t get the door open fast enough. “Hold on, Maggie, let me at least stop the car,” he says, laughing.

“Sorry, I’m just so ready to see Ellie.” When Josh turns the ignition off, I jump out and run into the house. “Ellie! Mommy’s home, where are you?” I yell. Following the giggles into the kitchen, I find Sam and Ellie sitting at the table, eating ice cream. I pick her up and whirl her around while she screams with excitement.

“I missed you, Mommy,” she says, wrapping her arms around my neck and burying her face in my hair. When I open my eyes I see Sam standing in front of me, smiling. We stand frozen, staring into each other’s eyes and without speaking, our eyes speak for us.

“Hi, Sam” I say, setting Ellie down. “How did everything go? I hope she was well behaved.”

Sam nods his head. “Of course, she was an angel.” He begins placing the empty ice cream bowls in the sink.

“Good, I’m glad she wasn’t any trouble,” I say, as Josh comes up behind me and kisses my neck. I feel like Josh is sending a message to Sam with his actions.

After Josh says his goodbyes, I walk with him to his car. He turns and grabs my face in his hands and kisses me with such passion that it almost knocks me off my feet. Trying to catch my breath, Josh whispers, “I’m not letting you go that easily. I hope you know that,” Then he gets into his car and drives away, leaving me speechless as I try to catch my breath. I slowly turn and walk back to the house. Seeing Sam standing on the front steps, I slowly walk up the stairs. He just watches me, and it’s as though he can see right into my soul, deep inside where all my secrets are kept. He knows. We both know.

LATER THAT NIGHT after I put Ellie to bed, I stand in front of the bathroom mirror. I lift my right arm and instantly I feel the lump. It’s a little larger than a quarter from what I can tell. I break into a sweat and slowly lower myself to sit on the bathroom floor. All the memories of my mother come rushing into my mind. Deep down inside, something tells me that this is more than just a lump and I slowly fall apart. When I finally pull myself together and crawl into bed, I see my mother when I close my eyes.