Mindfulness (8 page)

Now that you have a better understanding of mindfulness – what mindfulness is and how to be more mindful with your thoughts, feelings and behaviour – we turn to particular areas and situations in life where a mindful approach can make a noticeable difference. For each situation, I give you some specific, easy to follow tips and techniques that will really help you to handle things effectively; calmly and with confidence.

Perhaps you have a situation at work; a presentation to give for example, or you've been asked to manage a meeting. Maybe you're hoping to persuade colleagues to take part in a charity fundraiser.

You might want to handle criticism more effectively or know how to shake off guilty feelings about something you should or shouldn't have done.

It might be a more general situation you're struggling with. Perhaps you would like to get to grips with worry and anxiety; stop it overwhelming you and dominating your life so often. Maybe you want to feel more confident, to have more of a focus in life and be more connected to others.

If any of that applies to you, there's a mindful way to approach these situations, and the chapters in Part Two will certainly help.

In Part Two you will see how aspects and principles of mindfulness – awareness, acceptance, patience and trust, focus and engagement, beginner's mind etc. – can be applied and be so helpful in a range of situations

Whether it's at work or with friends and family, you will see how mindfulness can keep you grounded and centred – less pushed by what's going on around you. You will be more able to stay focused and present in the midst of both pleasant and unpleasant experiences.

Throughout Part Two, you are encouraged to open yourself to new ways of thinking and behaving; whether you're struggling to manage criticism, forgive someone or motivate yourself to achieve your goals, there are ideas and suggestions that can help you to let go of anything that limits possibilities.

Start now; turn to a situation that you would like to handle more effectively and follow the ideas and techniques for how to approach the situation in a mindful way.

Make it easy for yourself; in any one situation, don't feel that to be successful, you have to remember to apply each and every mindful step or principle.

It would be stressful – counter-productive even – in an interview, for example, to acknowledge your thoughts, accept your feelings, put them behind you
and
focus on what's happening now with an open mind.

But if you start by applying just one of these principles, you
are
going to make a positive difference.

Because of the dynamic nature of mindfulness, in any one situation you simply need to apply
one
mindful principle or aspect. Whichever aspect that is, it will precipitate, support and reinforce another.

Know that each time you apply just one aspect of mindfulness you are establishing new, more helpful ways of thinking and behaving. You will feel inspired and feel that “yes, I can do this!”

The ability to think back on the past and to think about the future means that, amongst other things, you can reminisce about good times and look forward to upcoming events.

But this ability is not always an advantage. Too often, your thoughts can trap you; anger and guilt can trap you in the past, worry and anxiety trap you in the future. But the past is gone and the future isn't here yet.

Certainly, anxiety and worry, anger and guilt are painful difficult emotions but, remember, emotions have a positive intent – even worry, anger and guilt! These emotions are intended to motivate you to put right a perceived wrong. They only become a problem if you let them trap you in the past or push you into the future.

In this chapter, we look at mindful ways to stop anger, worry and anxiety pulling you into the future. We also look at ways to move on from the anger and guilt that keeps you stuck in the past.

You will see how, rather than trying to suppress or battle with them, acknowledging difficult and painful emotions can help you to manage them.

You
can
let go of past beliefs about difficult situations and old ways of handling them.

There
are
ways to let go of your fears and worries about the past and future and free yourself to focus on the present.

There are suggestions here that might be new to you, like giving yourself “worry time”, creating a mindful space for your anger, or “acting as if you had chosen it”. These are not gimmicks designed to catch your attention. They are ideas and techniques that really do work.

Techniques to leave you free to focus and engage with the present.

Having booked a holiday to Italy, Martine checked her passport and saw that it needed renewing. She spent an hour filling out the form for a new passport and, the next day, drove to the post office 5 miles away for the ”Check and Send” service. In the queue next to her was Martine's neighbour, Stephan. Martine happily told him all about her forthcoming trip to Italy. When it was her turn at the counter, Martine handed her form to the assistant at the counter. He read it through but passed it back to Martine telling her that he couldn't accept it as it had been filled in incorrectly. Martine's mood changed instantly. “You're joking. That's ridiculous,” Martine exclaimed. She argued with the assistant for a couple of minutes but it was clear he was not going to accept her form. “Thanks for nothing!” she angrily snapped at the assistant. In seconds she had gone from calm and content to angry and rude.

Have you had a similar experience? Any number of things can trigger anger and frustration – a friend does something that hurts your feelings, your company makes a decision that negatively impacts on your work, or someone cuts you up when you're driving your car.

It's not wrong to feel angry – anger is a normal human emotion; it's a natural response to feeling wronged, offended, threatened or attacked in some way.

But whatever your anger is about, it can cause you do things that you will regret. To limit the chances of this happening, try the following mindfulness techniques:

In some situations you can feel your anger building, other times you may become angry in an instant. However quickly your anger manifests itself, you need to
be aware of your own, physical warning signs of anger
. Learn to recognize them when they begin.

You might feel:

• your heart is beating faster
  
• you are breathing more quickly
  
• your face muscles tighten
  
• your body is becoming tense
  
• your voice becomes louder and sharper
  

There's no need to judge these physical feelings, just be aware of them. Just being aware of these responses is being mindful. It's a good start to slowing everything down and giving you a chance to think more clearly.

Whatever the physical feelings, there's no need to suppress or deny that you're angry; simply acknowledge and take responsibility for how you feel.

For Martine, this meant acknowledging “
I'm
so annoyed” rather than blaming the Post Office assistant for being deliberately difficult.

It's easy to become irrational and illogical because anger has overwhelmed your rational mind. You need to reduce the possibility of losing control and increase your ability to think more clearly.

So, when you feel yourself getting angry, stop and ask yourself “Am I so angry I can't think clearly”? “Am I so angry I want to lash out, verbally or physically”?

If the answer is yes, then, before you respond, calm yourself down and let the feelings subside so that you can bring yourself back to the moment and are able to think straight. All the time you are fueled by anger your brain is using the amygdala – the emotional, instinctive part of your brain. This shuts down the neo-cortex – the thinking part of your brain.

In order to access the thinking, rational part of your brain you need to calm down the emotional side. This can be very difficult if you feel angry, but it is possible to train yourself to pause before expressing your feelings.

When you become aware of your thoughts you can apply the brakes and bring yourself back to the present moment.

Slowing down your breathing can help slow your heart rate back to a normal level and help calm you down. So, stop breathing for five seconds (to “reset” your breath) then breathe in slowly for three seconds, then breathe out
even more slowly
. Keep doing this and remember it's the
out-breath
that will slow everything down.

As well as mindful breathing, there are a number of other ways to calm down. It depends on what works for you and what's relevant at the time you are angry. You could try to:

• Force yourself to recite the alphabet in your head.
  
• Count backwards from 20.
  
• Remember everything you had to eat and drink yesterday.
  
• Count “one elephant, two elephants” up to four in your head whilst breathing in, then hold your breath and do the same counting out.
  

Each of these techniques forces you to engage the thinking part of your brain. Try them; they do work!

Once you've mindfully managed your anger, you can then think straight and decide what to do next. Don't think for so long though that your anger builds back up again!

Whatever you decide to do next, do it assertively, rather than aggressively. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive way makes communication easier and stops tense situations getting out of control.

Here are some things you could try:

• Ask yourself what you want to happen.
  Is it enough just to explain what you are angry about or do you want something to change?
  
• Be specific.
  For example, say “I feel angry because …”. Using “I” avoids blaming anyone, and the other person is less likely to feel attacked.
  
• Listen to the other person's response.
  Really listen. (Use the reflective listening techniques in
  Chapter 3
  .) Don't interrupt or start thinking about what you are going to say next. Keep it in the present. Acknowledge the other person's response by repeating or paraphrasing what you heard. Doing this will really help slow the exchange down and give you time to think.
  
• Treat the other person with the same attention and respect that you want from them.
  But be prepared for the conversation to go wrong and try to spot when this is happening. If things get too heated, you might want to come back to the conversation another time.
  

It's easy to get caught up in all sorts of thinking about why something should or shouldn't have happened, or fret about all the inconvenience and stress a situation is going to cause.

Your mind will lead you astray while your frustration, anger and resentment intensify, causing more pain than the event that triggered it.

There's a radical way to change this. In the words of Eckhart Tolle: “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.”

What does that mean?

Well, suppose you were driving and someone suddenly pulled out in front of you. You swerve and narrowly avoid a crash. You are furious with the other driver. However, if this had been a computer game, you would've
chosen
a situation that would challenge your driving skills. Instead of getting angry, you would've been pleased with yourself for using your skill to avoid a crash.

In Martine's situation, she had decided to take the passport form to the post office specifically to be checked for mistakes. She had actually chosen this service. The problem was, she had forgotten there was a possibility that the form would not be accepted. If she had remembered, Martine would be far more able to accept the moment
as if she had chosen it
.

It takes some creative thinking – but reframing the situation in this way can transform your ability to manage your anger.

Remember – acceptance occurs when you recognize that what has happened cannot be changed. Nothing could change what Martine had done yesterday; that she had incorrectly completed the passport form. Instead of wasting time being rude to the assistant, it would be more helpful if Martine asked for guidance on what exactly she needed to do to get it right. When you accept what
is
, you can begin to move forward.

Following these tips won't mean you never get angry, but it should help you manage your anger mindfully and express your anger constructively. A mindful response
can
occur at the same time as an anger reaction, but the outcome will be totally different. You have a choice.

While managing your own anger can be difficult, coping with other people's anger can be frustrating and even frightening.

Anger happens when the expectations and beliefs a person has about a situation and the way things “should” be differ to what actually happens. The person does not see that difference as a good thing! To manage someone else's anger you need to start by knowing what their expectations were. Again, you'll need to use your listening skills.

When a person is feeling angry, it's easy for him or her to become irrational and illogical because the anger has overwhelmed their rational mind. So, if you're faced with an angry person, it's as if you are communicating with the emotion, not the person.

However, you do not have to listen to if the other person is being abusive or is scaring you. Say: “I know you're furious about what happened but I'm feeling confused/scared. It might be better if we talk about this later.”

An angry person needs to let it all out, so don't say anything until they have finished venting their feelings. Instead, listen carefully what the other person has to say. You may find that you have made incorrect assumptions about what their anger is all about or that you have missed important details of the situation that provoked their anger.

Do not express your judgements about what should or should not make someone angry. This will only increase the persons' feelings of being misunderstood. The other person has his or her own perceptions and expectations. It is important to try to understand the anger from that person's point of view.

Try to maintain an open outlook; don't jump to conclusions or let your past knowledge and feelings about the person influence your understanding of the situation.

Acknowledge what the other person is saying without interrupting to defend yourself or to disagree. Interrupting in this way just adds fuel to the fire.

When you
do
respond, lower the pitch of your voice and speak more slowly. This will help to reduce the intensity of the other person's anger. If you were to respond with the same intensity as the other person, you would simply maintain the strength of their rage.

Clarify some of the main points or comments. For example; “Am I right in thinking …”. And “So, do you feel that …”.

Then, state how
you
feel and how
you
see the situation. You might disagree with how they see the situation and what they expect. On the other hand, you may agree with their point of view. If their anger is directed at you, apologize and either ask what you can do or suggest what you can do to rectify the situation.

*****