Mindfulness (9 page)

The hallmark of anxiety is worry; worry about something that hasn't happened yet and might not even happen at all. Worry, by its very nature, takes you out of the present moment and into the future, allowing negative possibilities to dominate your mind.

Worrying can be helpful when it spurs you to take action and solve a problem, but unrelenting doubts and fears can paralyze you.

Imagine you have a job where you're facing an important deadline. The pressure is on; you're feeling stressed and worry about what will happen if you miss it or, even if you do get it finished on time, whether the end result will be good enough. If, instead of worrying, you simply focus on what can be done right now, in the present moment, then much of the feeling of stress goes away.

Similarly, you might find it difficult to get to sleep at night, because worries seem to loom even larger. It's also easier for thoughts to get out of perspective at night; you're trying to drop off to sleep but there's nothing to distract you from the worries. Nor is it a practical time to do anything about whatever is on your mind. This is where mindful breathing can be effective.

Telling yourself to stop worrying doesn't work, at least not for long. In fact, trying to do so often makes your worries more persistent. Try this: Close your eyes and picture a pink elephant. Once you can see the pink elephant in your mind, stop thinking about it. Whatever you do, for the next five minutes, don't think about pink elephants.

How did you do? Did thoughts of pink elephants keep popping in your brain?

But that doesn't mean there's nothing you can do to manage your worry. You just need to try a different approach. Mindfulness can put a stop to this spiral of unhelpful thoughts and help you focus on the present moment, rather than pre-living the future.

Try some of the following mindfulness techniques.

Instead of trying to suppress or battle with negative thoughts, you should simply allow emotions, thoughts and sensations to come and go.

So when you get anxious thoughts and feelings, acknowledge them.
Don't try to ignore, fight, or control them. Instead, simply say to yourself “Aha. Worry and anxiety are happening”. Think of yourself as an observer, a witness to the moment.

Remember the park bench exercise in
Chapter 4
? You imagine you're sitting on a park bench watching people passing you. You don't think about what they're wearing, you don't judge what they're doing, nor how they're behaving etc. Do the same with your worries. Let them come into your consciousness and then pass. Just like the people who pass you by on your park bench. Or, imagine your worries as being like clouds moving across the sky. They too come into view and then pass on by.

Acceptance can also help you cope with doubt and uncertainty, particularly if you tend to worry about things you cannot solve easily. For example, you might worry about getting cancer, losing your job or being burgled.

The inability to cope with doubt and uncertainty plays a big part in anxiety and worry.

But fixating and obsessing about worst case scenarios won't keep bad things from happening. It will only keep you from enjoying the good things you have in the present.

So, if you want to stop worrying, start by tackling your need for certainty and immediate answers. Acceptance plays a big part here. Acceptance does not require you to analyze what, how and why you feel like you do. It means simply understanding that you do feel like you do, whatever the reason.

Worry can be influenced by past events and experiences. Going back over and over and reliving those past memories and events can make you worry about the future.

Are you worried that something will turn out badly in the future, the way it did in the past? Maybe, for example, you are concerned that a social gathering or meeting at work was difficult last time so it's bound to be awful this time. Perhaps you are going in to hospital for an operation but had a bad experience last time. Now, you're anxious about the next stay in hospital.

Responding to familiar situations, experiences or events in familiar, established ways keeps you out of the present and living in the past. It doesn't allow you to be aware of any new insights.

“Beginner's mind” allows you to start again; you put aside the beliefs you already have; the concerns and conclusions you came to as a result of past experience.

Instead, think about what you
learned
from that past situation. What did you learn that you can use to make the next experience a better one?

For example, what could you do differently at that social gathering? Maybe bring a friend with you so you don't get left with no one to talk to? Perhaps, with the hospital experience, you have learnt to be clear about what you do and don't want in the way of care and medication; maybe you can even ask a family member or friend to act as an advocate for you?

Being open to new possibilities can reduce worry and anxiety; because when you identify what you can do differently, you reduce uncertainty – one of the characteristics of worry and anxiety.

Look for something new that you can do this time round. Know that you
can
make it different from last time.

Often, worries are stirred up about events that are quite unlikely but because you are preoccupied with what might happen, you are unable to appreciate this. Try writing down what's troubling you.

Writing down thoughts, fears and worries about future and past events is a good way to empty your mind so that you are free to focus on the present. Keep a pen and paper handy. Then, if you have a specific thought bothering you, you can jot it down, literally observe it, then free yourself for the present.

It's a good idea to go back over what you wrote a few weeks later and see what happened. Events you were dreading so much either didn't happen or, when it came to it, you took action; you actually managed the situation.

When you feel worried about a situation, don't add to your worries by trying to find the perfect solution. Recognize that worrying and problem solving are two very different things.

Problem solving involves evaluating a situation, coming up with steps to deal with it, and then putting the plan into action, now, in the present. Worrying, on the other hand, rarely leads to solutions. No matter how much time you spend dwelling on worst case scenarios, you're no more prepared to manage them should they actually happen.

Write down all the possible solutions you can think of. Focus on what you
can
change, rather than aspects of the situation that are beyond your control. After you've decided which option to take, make a plan of action. (This is very much like working on your goals – see “Mindful Goals”.)

Once you have a plan and start doing something about the problem, you'll feel less worried. This is because you are thinking and acting in the present rather than thinking and worrying about the future.

Talk calmly and reassuringly to yourself, as you would to a friend who is having a hard time. Say an affirmative phrase such as “This, too, shall pass!”

Discussing your worries with someone else can help you to see what your options are or what the solution is. That someone else could be a friend, family member or colleague. (A favourite book of mine to help children understand the importance of sharing worries is
The Huge Bag of Worries
by Virginia Ironside and Frank Rodgers. It's helpful for adults too!)

You may feel the need to talk things over with someone who is not directly involved in your life: a doctor, counsellor or a support group for people in your particular situation.

Some people find it helpful to set aside time in their day to worry. Then they set their worries aside and move on. They move on to something that they know will distract and fully absorb them; something they enjoy doing that will keep their busy minds ticking over and stop them focusing on their worries. Flow activities do this; they can give you a real break from dwelling on the past and worrying about the future.

Identify activities that you can turn to when you want to switch off from worrying; something that you can dip into for ten minutes or immerse yourself in for an hour. Something that keeps you focused and engaged, that brings your complete attention to the present experience. It could be a riveting novel, a puzzle, a cycle ride or a short yoga sequence, anything that makes it difficult for your mind to wander off or for thoughts about the past or future to find their way into your head.

Remember, a mind in a state of flow is so engaged that there is no room for worrying thoughts.

Exercise is a good way to help keep worries from overwhelming you because it can change the focus from your mind to your body. It relieves tension and uses up adrenalin. You don't have to go for a long run, or visit the gym. A good, steady walk can be just as effective.

Using mindful exercises and techniques to stay focused on the present is a simple concept, but it takes practice. At first, your mind will probably keep wandering back to your worries.

But, it's important to know that each time you bring yourself back to the present, you're reinforcing a new habit that will help you break free of the cycle of worry and anxiety.

When you're worried or anxious, it's not uncommon for your breathing to be laboured and shallow. It can help to practise breathing techniques as well as doing some regular physical activity to help release this tension.

Manage your breathing and you are more likely to bring the other aspects of your emotion into the moment. And, because all three aspects of an emotion – your physical response, your thinking and how you behave – are interconnected, if you manage your breathing – the physical aspect – you will also be managing your thoughts and behaviour.

If you find that focusing on your breathing just makes things worse – that whenever you're worried,
whatever
you focus on becomes an issue, then don't think about your breathing at all. Try another mindful technique.

If you practise mindful breathing when you are
not
worried or anxious, you will have established a helpful habit that you can easily draw on when you
are
stressed, worried or anxious.

Using mindful exercises and techniques to stay focused on the present is a simple concept but it takes practice.

So when you are about to go into a situation that worries you, such as a doctor's appointment or a job interview, focus on something else. A book that you are currently reading and enjoying, or listen to music on your iPod. If you feel anxious thoughts taking hold, focus on what is happening right now; for example by looking at other people and imagining their lives or by examining your surroundings in detail. Then, each time a worrying thought enters your mind, acknowledge it, let it pass and return to listening to music, people watching or whatever is happening in front of you. If nothing is happening, focus on your breathing.

At first, your mind will probably keep wandering back to your worries. But it's important to know that each time you bring yourself back to the present, you're reinforcing a new habit that will help you break free of the cycle of worry and anxiety.

*****

After Mishka's father, John, experienced a mild stroke, Mishka persuaded John to move from London to Cornwall to live closer to her. For the first couple of years it all worked well – John made new friends and enjoyed life in a small country town. He often had the grandchildren to stay over when Mishka had to work late. When John had another stroke and a fall, it was clear that he needed a high level of care.

As her eldest son had left home for university, Mishka now had a spare room; she insisted that John move in with her and she would arrange for carers to come and help look after him. It didn't work out. Mishka found it increasingly difficult to manage her father's demands and needs. She became more and more stressed and resentful. In the end, she could no longer cope.

After six months with Mishka, John moved to a nursing home. A month later, he fell and broke a hip and died from complications of hip surgery some weeks later.

“I had a
huge
amount of guilt I was carrying about. I insisted Dad move to Cornwall and then move in with me. I should have been the one to care for him. I just could not. It was impossible.”

Carrying guilt around is like hiking up a mountain, picking up rocks and throwing them in your rucksack. Every time you think about what happened, you take a rock out and hit yourself on the head with it. It is unnecessary suffering! It's a heavy weight to carry around; it pulls you down and stops you moving forward.

However, when you give yourself a hard time for your actions or inaction, you're setting up unhelpful ways of thinking that will only serve to drag you down further.

But
not
giving yourself a hard time actually makes a lot of sense for a very practical reason: self-forgiveness allows you to get past your mistake and focus on taking positive action in the present.

Guilt
can
play a positive role in getting you to change your ways. Guilt makes you aware that you have done wrong; you compare how you behaved with how you intended to behave. This knowledge alone can motivate you to put things right and/or change your behaviour.

Whether you feel guilty for eating a whole packet of biscuits, damaging or losing something a friend lent you, or letting down a family member, all too often guilt sucks up your good intentions, drains your energy and causes stress and anxiety.

Research
⁵
shows that people who forgive themselves for their transgressions tend to do better on the next attempt than people who give themselves a hard time.

In other words, letting go of the guilt helped them fulfil their good intentions so that they wouldn't need to feel guilty in future. Instead of wallowing in the past, the best possible use of guilt is to experience it, accept what happened, learn from it, figure out what needs to be done and move on.

Be aware that guilt is a
feeling
that you have done wrong. It doesn't necessarily mean that you
have
done something wrong. So start by identifying what, exactly, it is that you think you've done wrong.

Mishka's guilt stemmed from the fact that she hadn't been able to care for her Dad in the last few months and what care she did provide, she felt resentful about.

The next step is to accept responsibility for what happened. So, no you
didn't …
and you
haven't
… and yes, you
did
fail to. …

Mishka had to acknowledge “Yes, I did persuade Dad to move in with me. It was my decision – no one forced me to do that. Yes, I did find caring for him really difficult. I did resent it.”

Accepting and taking responsibility is not the same as blaming yourself. Accepting responsibility means understanding what made you make mistakes and taking action to prevent similar errors in the future. Be aware that blaming and punishing yourself does not stop you doing the same thing again because nothing is learned.

So, Mishka's mistake was simply to overestimate her ability to care for and support John after he had the second, more serious stroke. An act done with a positive intention, especially without any self-interest, is not a bad thing.

For Mishka, under those circumstances, she did the best she could and knew how to. She now realizes “it seemed to be the only thing I could do at the time, but with what I know now, I would do things differently”.

Just like Mishka, you are human; of course you're going to make mistakes. You are also going to have to accept unpleasant outcomes and accept feelings of guilt and regret. But don't dwell on them. It is important to accept that the past cannot be changed, that what you did is done and what you
didn't
do was
not
done. Wishing otherwise will not fix things.

Once you've pinpointed what went wrong and what you were responsible for
you can think about what you can learn from the situation – what new knowledge will benefit you
now
. Mishka can't change what happened with her father or ask forgiveness, but she has learnt to know what her limits are not to overcommit herself.

You can try to make amends when this is possible. For example, you can pay for damages or replace something you have borrowed and lost. Often though, the action is over and done with. But, with a “beginner's mind” you can learn from your mistakes and start again. You can empty that rucksack of rocks, stop bashing yourself on the head and begin fresh challenges.