Miss Whittier Makes a List (40 page)

“
Adam, what am I to do?
”
she asked,
sitting down beside him.

He looked up from the guidebook,
his expression somewhat distant.
“
I have t
ried to give thee advice before,
and it is never what thee wishes to hear,
”
he told her, biting off his words.
“
So I think I shall not waste my breath. Thee knows what to do.
”

Of course she knew what to do,
she thought two days later as she lay in bed and stared at the ceiling again. It was becoming an old friend to her, considering how often she woke up at night now to stare at it. Only last night she had been so proud to have Captain Spark, resplendent in his uniform and even more dashing with his arm in a sling, usher her around the great room at the Admiralty House at a reception for some minor European royalty lately escaped from the clutches of Napoleon
Bonaparte
. She knew she looked fine in her low-cut dress of primrose-watered silk, her hair piled high on her head and twink
l
ing here and there with diamonds from the Spark vault.

Burdened as he was with a sling, Daniel had required her help to dress for the affair.
“
Lady Amber, if you could just tie this for me, I could have ample leisure to stare down into your rather fine cleavage,
”
span>
he said with a grin as he stood in th
e hallway outside her open door,
neckcloth in hand.

“
I wish thee would not talk so,
”
she said with a grimace as she stood on tiptoe to
arrange
the stock about his neck.
“
And I should not have allowed the maid to toss my hair with your diamonds.
”

“
Why not?
”
he asked as she stepped back finally to survey her efforts.
“
Better on you than unnoticed in some dark vault.
”
He came closer and touched her shoulder. His voice was gentle, caressing even.
“
Have you heard that my friends are saying that Captain Spark, commerce raider and scourge of the French Caribbean, has finally struck his colors for the American Quaker?
”

Eyes wide, she shook her head.
“Thee
does not encourage such rumors, does thee?
”
she demanded.

He winked at her.
“
I just smile mysteriously and change the subject. It drives people crazy.
”

He was standing so close to her that she could smell his shaving soap. If she had felt so inclined, it would have been so easy to put her hand on his neck and pull him down to kiss her. She knew he would succumb without a struggle, and the knowledge made her uneasy, because it was more power than she knew what to do with.

“
Thee knows I am not ready for such rumors
,”
she murmured and stepped back into her room.

“
I think you are,
”
he said, and leaned against the door frame.
“
I seem to remember some fervent kisses in front of the altar in All Saints, and don
’
t try to tell me I was delirious and imagining things.
”

She blushed again and put her hands to her cheeks.
“
I wish thee would not speak so.
”

Before she could stop him, he encircled her with his good
ar
m and kissed her. It took more strength than she possessed to resist him as she eagerly raised her face for another kiss, and then another. I wish we did not fit so well together, she thought in exquisite misery as his lips traced her jawe and came to rest against her ear.

‘
Talk
’
s cheap, Hannah
Whittier
,
”
he murmured into her ear.
“
Maybe you had better decide just what it is you want from me. You can
’
t protest and then kiss me like that.
”

He let her go, then suddenly reached forward and took her around the waist again.
“
I am thinking of an American expression, Hannah,
”
he said, his voice breathless.
“
Either fish or cut line.
”

He left her then, and went back to his room, whistling. She watched him go, to
rn
between vexation at her own body
’
s
perfidy
, and amusement to see that he still walked as though he expected the deck to rise up to meet him. He was in perfect
harmony
with the ocean, even on land, and it gave his walk a certain swagger that she remembered when her own brother returned from a whaling voyage. I could watch thee all day, she thought, as she closed the door softly, and leaned against it, wishing that she didn
’
t want to follow him down the ha
ll
and into his room. That he would never object multiplied her own discomfort.

She stared down at her chest, red now where she had been pressed so tight against his uniform
bu
t
tons and medals. What does thee want, Hannah Whittier? She forced herself to think about it in the baldest terms possible, hoping to disgust herself. With this man
’
s wonderful body come all sorts of entanglements, she thought, her lips pressed tightly together. He would make love to thee until thee no longer felt so restless, but it would be in an English
bed,
in an English house, with an English view out the window. And then when thee knew his and his mind better than thy own,
he would leave thee for the sea,
and thee would be alone among the enemy.

“
Why am I doing this to myself?
”
she asked her reflection in the mirror. The unhappy face that stared back at her had no answers. She felt the acutest longing for her mother, wanting more than anything to see that face that looked so much like her own. She was desperate to crawl into her mother
’
s lap like a child, sob out her misery, and ask for advice. She understood now why had paced the house, waiting for her father to return from month-long trips to
Boston
and
New York
to buy for the store. It was not so much concern for his safety, as it was a longing for the comfort her husband brought her.

Thee wants that
same comfort, she told herself,
but does thee want it from this man? He has not
one
qua
lity that thee felt was so import
ant in a husband that thee would add it to a list
,
beyond a curious patience with thee so out of reckoning with his usual style. And he is kind
,
so kind
,
and brave beyond what is reasonable. And when I am with him, I am these things, too.

So she had gone to the reception, and gli
ttered
and simpered and smiled at Captain Spark
’
s officer-brothers, and listened to Mr. Futtrell, his face flushed with too much champagne, tell of her exploits in the lookout
and
below deck during the fight with the
Bergeron.
She tried to remember to say
“
you
”
instead of
“
thee,
”
bec
ause she did not wish to be thought quaint, but it was as though she stood outside her body and watched someone else sparkle and shine. All she truly wanted to do was make love to Daniel Spark, but she could only laugh and bloom, and hope her longings for him did not show.

He
proposed on the ride home,
si
tt
ing carefully across from her in the carriage, not touching her, but looking steadily into her eyes.
“
I do not suppose there is ever a good time to do this, Hannah,
”
he began.
“
I
’
ve never proposed before, so I cannot claim any skill.
”

She reached out and placed her fingers on his lips.
“
Don
’
t
do it
, Daniel,
”
she whispered.

He shook his head and took hold of her hand.
“
I am compelle
d toit by your face, your body,
the way you think, the feelings you have, your courage, your silliness, your impish tongue.
This
is not something I can resist.
”
He smiled at her confusion.
“
I suppose I should go down on one knee, but with my
arm
in a sling, I fear I would overbalance myself. Hannah, marry me, please. I know all your good qualities and all your faults and I am content to live with both of them forever.
”

“
Or until you go to sea?
”
she asked, her voice breathless.

He did not blink.
“
Yes, until I go to sea. We
’
re at war, Hannah—I need scarcely remind you—and I am not deserting my country, not even for you.
”

He moved over to sit next to her.
“
But I love you powerfully, and I will always return every year or so from the blockade, or the
Caribbean
. I wish I could promise more now, but I cannot.
”

She was
silent,
appreciating his plain speaking, even as it twisted her insides like a knife.
“
I need to think about this, Daniel, because right now my answer is no.
”

He considered her words.
“
And you do not wish it to be no?
”

She shook her head, unable to think of words to express herself. There is so much we Quakers leave unsaid, she thought as she looked at Daniel, and thee would never understand such silence.