Miss Whittier Makes a List (50 page)

Hannah sat where she was, far beyond tears.
“
Thee has met the only stipulation that matters,
”
she said, staring down at the
letter
,
“
and look what it has done to us!
”

The
Bonny Jean
docked in Boston
’
s crowded harbor a month later, in the middle of a
snowstorm
. She allowed Captain Trask to escort her to
Charleston
to the house of her uncle, who stared at her as though she had risen from the dead, and then held her in a tight embrace.
“
My brother will be so pleased thee came to thy senses and did not remain in
England
,
”
he said when he could spea
k. She was up most of the night,
telling them the story of the
Dissuade
,
the fight with the
Bergeron,
and her narrow escape from matrimony. She had not the strength to tell the whole story; that uld keep for Mama
’
s ears alone.

In the morning, in a thicker cloak, and with a
footwarmer
at her toes, she kissed the
Whittiers
goodbye and went on to
Nantucket
,
where she arrived as night was falling. She was the
first person off the ferry and h
ad to be reminded to re
turn and retrieve her dressing
case. She sm
iled her thanks to the ferryman,
crossed the gangplank
,
and found he
rse
lf on
firm ground again. Where I will stay,
she told h
ers
elf
,
ignoring the pain that washed over her because she was
used
to it now.

She thought she would remain unnoticed as she hurried through the snow toward Orange Street, but one man on horseback—was it the postmaster?—recognized her and spurred his horse ahead. When she turned onto her street, Mama was running from the front door, her
ar
ms
open wide, Papa right behind. With a cry of her own, she dropped her dressing case and was swallowed up in their embrace.

She was too tired to tell
the story all over again, but she did, tucked up in her own under the eaves with Mama holding her hand, and Papa seated close by on a stool.
“
He broke the engagement, so I came home,
”
she concluded, looking at her father. She knew better than to look at Mama, who would know there was more, much more, to the story. Papa was content that she had come to her senses.
Trust him, by the end of the month, to set forth any number of ideas on a more suitable husband, she thought as she watched the relief settle over his features.

“
My little daughter has returned,
”
he said and kissed her cheek.
“
Mama, let us leave her alone to sleep now.
”
He touched her under the chin, in a familiar gesture from her
childhood
.
“
Think
how many people will want to hear this story again!
”

She sighed.
“
Is Adam Winslow about?
”

Papa shook his head.
“
He is in the
Caribbean
serving as number one on his uncle
’
s brig.
”
He rubbed his chin.
“
Whatever deficiencies Captain Spark may have as a lover, he certainly taught Adam seamanship! I think if you send Hosea a letter, he will see that Adam gets it when they re
turn
from
Barbados
.
”

“
I will do it tomorrow.
”

Mama kissed her fingers, but did not let go of her hand.
“
Thee will do it when thee feels like it.
”
She looked up at her husband.
“
My dear, I will be along in a moment.
”

He left them then, closing the door quietly. Hannah stared straight ahead until Mama t
ook her by the chin and gently turn
ed her face toward the light.

“
I do not believe for a single instant that what thee has told us any resemblance to the actual facts,
”
she said, her voice soft, her eyes concerned.
“
Adam told us how much the captain loves thee.
Wh
at has happened? Can thee tell me
?”

Hannah shook her head.
“
It can wait until morning, Mama.
”
She down in the bed and closed her eyes.
“
I am not going anywhere.
”

Wh
en Papa left
for the store in the morning to sell a little merchandise and spread the news of her return among all his customers, Mama climbed the stairs to Hannah
’
s bedr
o
om and refused to leave until Hannah had poured out her whole misery into her lap. Mama
’
s fingers shook, too, as she read Daniel Spark
’
s letter. A thoughtful look on her face, she set it aside and took herself to the window.

“
Thee must write to
him,
Hannah. Thee must tell him
 font>
…
.
”

“
Tell him what, Mama?
”
Hannah interrupted.
“
That I cannot live without him? I was willing to give up everything I hold dear for him, and it was not enough. No, Mama, I will not write to him. I will forget him.
”

“
Can thee?
”
Mama asked. I
do not think thee can.
”

“
I have to,
”
Hannah replied.

Mama looked at her for a long moment, then kissed her.
“
Very well, Hannah. Thee can try.
”

She di
d try,
and it was a wonderful act that fooled almost everyone. Hannah made herself eat, but it all tasted the same. By sheer force of will she put on weight until her clothes fit again. While Mama was pleased b
y this outward sign of recovery,
she was not c
ontent,
and told her so one snowy day in January while they kneaded bread on the kitchen table.
“
Hannah, thee could al
most pull off this deception but for one thing,
”
she mentioned casually as Hann
ah greased the bread pans and sta
red out the window at the icicles that hung just above the ground.

“
Thee said something?
”
Hannah asked, and then reali
ze
d that her mother had caught her.

“
Precisely, my dear. T
h
ee h
ears
not above one word in ten, and if
thee
does not go to the east window to stand al
l
evening tonight, as thee has done since re
turn
ing, I wil
l
be
amaze
d!
”

Hannah said nothing.

“
Why the east window, my dear?
”
Mama asked.
‘
The view is nothing but Godspeed Wilkins
’
front door.
”

Hannah set down the bread pan.
“
Because it faces toward
England
. And if I
turn
a little south, then I can imagine Daniel cruising off
France
or
Spain
. I know it is cold on the blockade. I hope he is warmly dressed.
”
Her voice was breathless, as though she disclosed too much for her own comfort. Without another word, she lifted her cloak from the hook by the back door and let herself out into the snowy afternoon. She walked to the end of the kitchen garden, ragged now, snow-covered, empty of fruit, bereft of yield. Almost like me, she thought as she stared at the empty cornstalks and listened to them crackle against each other. If thee had married me, Daniel, I would probably be carrying thy child by now. I would have taken such care of this evidence of thy love, and when thee returned from the blockade, we would have such joy.

She smiled bleakly to herself. And
now I talk to cornstalks, and sta
re out east windows, and ignore Mama
’
s conversation. I wish spring would come. Perhaps Hosea will want me to come to
Charleston
this year. I could help with the little one, and perhaps the sailmaker is still single. But this time I will travel overland to
Charleston
, and not by water. Never by water again. And if
I am truly careful, whoever I mar
ry will never know how much I ache inside. Only Mama will know.

It was useless to pretend to Mama now, so she dropped all her attempts. If it caused Papa pain to see her stand by the window night after night, or shake her head over
food
that held no interest for her, she was sorry, but it could not be helped. She worked in the kitchen in silence, and watched the icicles gradually grow shorter. Then the day came when they dripped steadily, and disappeared. Spring was here.

“
Papa, I would like to go to Charleston,
”
she announced over dinner one night when the sky was still light with spring, and the front door open to the smell of lilacs all over
Nantucket
.
“
Can thee book me passage on a mail coach?
”