Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart (8 page)

“What the hell is wrong with me?  I’m pregnant and waiting for you make up your damn mind what we are going to do!  THAT’S what’s wrong with me!”

And then I burst into tears.  The last two months of worry and shame and sadness and upset came bawling out loudly and lasted a long time.

Jame calmed himself down and tried to wipe up my tears with some tissues but I was a total mess.

“I’m sorry, Cath.  I haven’t been thinking how hard it has all been on you.”

“You’re right about that, Jame.  It seems like it’s all you, you, you.  Where do I figure in all this?”

“I’m trying to work that all out, Cath.  I really am.  I just can’t get my head around it.”

“Well, your Dad thinks you’re going to get on a plane with him to Texas in three days.  You better do something fast.”

“I will, I promise.  I’ll tell them tomorrow night. And then I’ll come down to your house and we can tell your parents together.”

I finally smiled at that.  My sweet Jame, taking responsibility and helping me tell my parents.  That restored my faith a little that things would be all right no matter what.

“OK then.” I sniffed.

He smiled at me and gave me a kiss.  “OK then.  And Cath, sorry about the drunk bitch comment.  I really didn’t mean that. I’m just a little mixed up now. And you need to brush your teeth.”

Only Jame could make me laugh after a fight like that.  We were going to be all right after all.

Jame never called me the next night.  I sat near the phone for hours agonizing over how things were going as he told his parents that I was pregnant and that he wasn’t going to Texas.  I was sure they spent hours talking about it.  His Dad was probably very angry, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and waited to hear from him the next day.

Except he didn’t call the next day or night.  I was sick, whether it was the baby or worry; I hung over the toilet a lot that day.  My parents were at work so I could just lie on the bathroom floor in-between bouts of nausea.

When my parents came home from work, I stayed in my room telling them I had already eaten.  I took the phone into my room and waited.

By about 9:00 that night I couldn’t stand it any longer.  I screwed up my courage and called Jame’s house.  I had to know what was going on.

His mother answered.

“Hi Mrs. Patterson, it’s Cath.  Could I speak to Jame please?”  My heart was in my throat.  She knew!

“No, Cath. Jame’s left.”

“He’s left to come to my house?”

“No, he’s left with his Dad to go to Texas to get all settled in the dorms at Rice.  You know that, dear.”

“What? He left for Texas? How could he?  He’s supposed to be coming down to see me!”  Shocked, I started to cry.

“No he’s left for Texas, Cath.  That’s where he needs to be.”

“But what about me?”

There was a pause. “Well, you knew what you were getting into.” And she hung up.

I think I held on to the phone for a long time after that.  Jame is on his way to Texas with his Dad. They won.  He would go on with his big basketball scholarship and I would have a baby.  His life wouldn’t change but mine was demolished forever.

That night I vowed to hate Jame Patterson and his parents forever and ever.

Chapter 23

There was a note on my car windshield a few days later.  I was going out to interview a cancer survivor in the city and I needed to focus and do well.

I knew it was from Jame, but I folded it up, put it in my purse and went out and did my job.

Coming home hours later, I showered, changed and fixed myself something to eat.  My phone rang and I jumped.  Yeesh, that wasn’t good.  And then I smiled.  It was my younger daughter,

“Hey sweetheart, how are you?”

“Hey Mom, I’m really good. What are you doing?”

“Well, I’m home after an interview in the city, a real heart-catching one.  It’s gonna be a good article.”

“Mom, all your articles are good. You’re the best!”

Bless my Kaitlin.  She was my best cheerleader.  But I had the feeling she wanted something.  “What’s up, Kait?”

“Well, remember I said I’d be coming home this weekend?  My roommate just asked me to go to Boston for the weekend instead.  Is that OK?  I’m sorry.  I know you’re lonely for us.”

I smiled at that. “Yes, I am lonely for you, but that’s fine.  You’ll enjoy Boston.  Doing something special?”

“Yeah, her friend has tickets to a concert on BU campus and we can stay in her apartment.”

“And here’s the same old warning, Kait.  Be safe.  Don’t drink anything someone hands to you if it’s open, etc. etc.”

“I know. I know, Mom.  I’ll be safe.  Sorry about the weekend.”

“It’s fine.  Don’t worry about me.  I’ll find something else to do.”

“Thanks, Mom! Bye!”

And my college freshman daughter hung up, going about her new exciting life.  That’s just the way it should be. But I couldn’t help feeling a little sorry for myself as a long empty weekend loomed ahead.  

I remembered the windshield note as I was getting into bed.  Can’t ignore it any longer, Cath.  The note was still in my purse so I went downstairs to get it.

Making a cup of sleepy time tea, I carried both the tea and the note upstairs to my bed.  The paper felt like it had its own energy or was that just my imagination?  I could feel Jame’s patience wearing thin and his decisiveness getting stronger.  Or maybe I was making all this up.

Cath,

You haven’t answered my email so I figured this was the only way to stay in touch.  I can’t even imagine what you think of me or my request, but I need your help.  I am just asking for some information.  That’s it and then I’ll leave you alone.  I promise.

Jame

Yeah, I knew about his promises.  He doesn’t keep them.

I emailed him back that night.  

Jame,

Fine. I happen to be available on Saturday.  I’ll meet with you for a few minutes but I’m not promising anything.  Just seeing you is hard enough and no, you can’t possibly know how I feel, but I’m sure you know what I really think of you.

I’ll let you know the place and time. DO NOT come to my house again.

Cath

Chapter 24

26 Years Ago- Tallahassee, Florida

After finally telling my parents who refused to let me live with them and have Jame’s baby, it was decided (I didn’t have too much input since I was still destroyed by Jame’s leaving) that I would go to stay with my older cousins in Tallahassee, Florida until I had my baby and put it up for adoption.

My parents and certainly I did not have the money to raise a baby.  I gave up my chance to go to Rutgers.  This seemed like the only choice and actually it wasn’t a choice at all.  It was what Jame and his parents forced on me and my parents.  

My cousins were older, in their thirties, sharing a small house.  They had an extra tiny bedroom for me and were so nice that we became like a small family ourselves.  Judy was a nurse and Barbara worked for the county government so I had good care and the best information about adoption agencies.

I helped around the house and grew my baby as healthfully as possible. I tried not to get too attached to it because it wouldn’t ever be mine to keep. But how can you really do that when it’s inside you kicking and moving all the time?

I didn’t spend time wondering it if was a boy or a girl.  Most times I wanted this to be over fast and other times I dreaded the end because I would be giving my baby away to someone else.

There were tears but I talked myself out of too much moping around because it wasn’t good for my baby. I wrote to my parents once a week but I never wrote to Jame.  I didn’t know his address and he didn’t deserve to hear from me.  He was off being the rookie recruit star of Rice University’s basketball team and I was in Tallahassee getting ready to give birth to his child.  It didn’t seem fair somehow.

My cousins pushed me to decide on what I would do after giving the baby up.

“Cath, after the baby, you need to figure out what your plans are.  Will you go home and go back to college there?”

“No, I told everyone when I left in July that I wasn’t going to Rutgers.  I said I changed my mind and was going to go to college in Florida so it would look stupid if I showed up at RU.  Plus I know too many OLOS kids who go there and they’ll constantly ask about Jame and talk about how great he’s doing, and it’ll make me sick.”

Barbara looked thoughtful and said, “Well, I have an idea if you’re interested, Cath.”

“I don’t know if I’m interested in anything except having this baby, but go ahead.”

“Put in an application for Florida State right here in Tallahassee.  I could help you get in.  Take that Journalism major you planned on doing.  You could live here.  Do the spring and summer semesters and catch up.  Then if you wanted, you could stay at FSU and live here or in a dorm or transfer back to Rutgers and no one will know any better.”

It was the first time I looked at reality after the baby.  A little window of hope opened up inside me and I started thinking.  The baby was due after Christmas or around New Year’s.  I could start FSU a few weeks later after I was feeling better and never have to go home to New Jersey and the memories.  Start fresh.  

“That sounds like a good idea, Barb.  Will you help me?”  

The labor pains started on New Year’s Eve in the morning. Judy had taught me a lot of things about labor and my baby’s birth and what to expect.  I guess I thought this day would never come.  Feelings of panic washed over me.  I couldn’t do this.  I was only eighteen.   I wasn’t ready to give birth to this being who had been inside me for nine months.  I wasn’t ready for this baby to leave my body or my life.

We called my Mom and Dad who didn’t really wish me well but told me they loved me and that things would be better soon.  I guess that meant after I gave my baby away.  I felt even more alone and isolated.

Judy and Barbara were great at the hospital.  They held my hand, fed me ice chips, and helped me breathe through the contractions.  The doctor gave me an epidural to take away the pain and then it was time to push. It was New Year’s Day.

As my baby came out, I saw a shock of dark brown hair and a long thin body.  He cried his first cry and the nurse, at Judy’s request, let me see him and hold him for a minute before he was taken away from me forever.  

As I held my son in my arms for the one and only time, he opened his eyes and I swear they were Jame’s dark eyes staring back at me.  I kissed his little head, felt his heart beating, and whispered, “Please don’t ever forget me, baby boy.  I will never forget you.”

The nurse said it was time for me to say goodbye.  His adoptive parents were anxious to meet him.  I would stay in the hospital a few days but wouldn’t see him again.  Barbara had assured me he was going to a wonderful couple that would give him a very loving home.

My last kiss forever. I took one final look, memorizing that sweet, sweet angel face and let the nurse take him out of my arms.  Judy’s and Barbara’s tears fell along with mine and we all had a good cry. From then on, I prayed for him every day and every New Year’s Day I said an extra special birthday prayer for him that he was safe and well and happy. But there would always a piece of my heart missing.

I stayed and completed my journalism degree at FSU, living with my wonderful cousins and pouring myself into my studies.  I dated a few college guys but nothing serious.  I was focused on my writing, my future career and had no time for any more broken hearts.  I had had enough of that.

After my college graduation, I landed a pretty good job in New York City with a news magazine. I moved to a small studio in Soho and lived the journalist life with abandon.  

Sam was one of my early human-interest interviews.  He had started a non-profit to help raise funds for childhood cancer research.  His inspiration was his younger sister who died at 14-years-old and he dedicated his life to making sure as many others as he could, would not suffer the same fate she did.

We started dating, fell in love, got married, had our two daughters, Erin and Kaitlin right away and built a wonderful, happy, secure life…until a drunk driver took that all away.

Chapter 25