Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart (6 page)

of Sorrows High School

Another summer from hell. No Jame.  I heard from Maddie that he was dating a girl from another town, just casually she reported.  Nothing serious.  I tried not to care, but I did.

My ups and downs that summer were almost manic, but I hid them from everyone.  On the outside I was doing just fine.  On the inside, dammit, I let that guy destroy me
again
and that made me so angry.  Would I ever get over him?

Senior year was coming soon.  Sometimes my heart felt so dead I could care less about Jame and our final year at OLOS.  Other times the pain was so deep I could feel it in my toes.  Bu no one would see that.  I would go back to school calm, cool and collected.  I was the journalist intern working on the local paper that summer, and I could see my future.  If only I could get through senior year and all that crap that was coming.

On Sept. 6
^th
OLOS rang its bells and opened its doors to the graduating class.  We were seniors! We ruled the school! I tried to summon up some enthusiasm but felt empty and unsure of myself.

Maddie to the rescue! Our friendship had deepened into a sisterly thing and she knew exactly how I was feeling and exactly how to help me.  She locked arms with mine and swept me up the stairs into our “senior gathering” in the auditorium to hear all about the glory and responsibility of being the oldest in the school.

Maddie plunked us down in the middle of the soccer team and flirted with every single one of them.  She and David were on the outs and she celebrated her “freedom” by fooling around with some of these guys.  They flirted back and it spilled over onto me and I felt a little better.  Maybe this year wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Advanced academic classes, top studio art class, and a full class period to do the editor work for the school newspaper (another “Senior Privilege!”) and I happily fell back into my beloved OLOS routine.  Sister Margarita pushed us creatively to stretch our artistic boundaries.  Five new cameras were a focus of this advanced art class and as newspaper editor one was assigned exclusively to me.  Bliss! I spent many hours looking at the world through that camera lens.

I avoided Jame at all times, exiting a room if he came in. I decided I was too busy for cheerleading and that would get me out of his way even more.  I had a little part-time reporter job with our local newspaper and had saved up my summer money to buy a 9-year-old navy blue Volkswagen Beetle Bug so no more buses! 

I had freedom, a camera, my art and a new status around OLOS.  I was the responsible one, the one that several of the teachers depended upon to be the leader for the underclassmen.  I took this on with a vengeance, loving every controlling minute of it!  I tried not to let the power go to my brain, but it was a heady start to my senior year.

Still… I would catch Jame watching me as I jumped into my Beetle Bug or send me a small smile across the cafeteria.  It almost looked like he was sad and missed me, but I worked hard to ignore it.  Until that day after school a few weeks into our senior year.

The big rivalry football game was coming up and there were 10 of us working frantically in the art studio on the Pep Club banners we would hang all over our home team stands. I was in my glory telling the others what to do.  I loved to imagine myself as the head writer of a news show or editor-in-chief of a city newspaper, coordinating all the important projects.

“Great job, everybody! We’ll let these dry over night and hang them tomorrow morning before the game.” The other kids said goodbye and I was left alone doing final clean-ups.  Sister M had entrusted me with the key so I finished up the last task and got ready to go home.

“Hey, Cath,” his voice called to me from the doorway.  “I waited til they all left.  Can we talk for a minute?”

Jame came into the studio.  I can’t remember him ever coming in here to see me even though I practically lived here with Sister M.

“Hey Jame, what’s going on?” I made myself sound as nonchalant as possible though my heart was pounding with something.  What was I feeling? Scared, upset, hopeful, happy? Yeesh, this guy still can make me a mess.

“I hoped we could sit and talk a little, Cath.  Um, if that’s OK with you.”

Do I stay or do I brush him off and leave? Dammit, I sat down.

Jame came over and sat close to me on the bench.  I could smell his “Jame smell”- a little cologne left over from this morning, his unique smell that I used to love breathing in when we kissed.  I didn’t realize I had let a big sigh escape my lips.

“Cath, I don’t want things to be like this anymore.”

“Like what? You have your life, the basketball kingdom that you and your father built , and I have my life, all set up and going along just fine.”

He reached over and took my hands in both of his. Tingles went up my arms right to my heart. I wanted to bury my face in his hands and cry.  Too much emotion here.  I struggled with getting myself under control.  This was the guy who gave me up not once but twice.  He was not going to get the easy way out.    

Jame lifted up my hands and kissed them as he had done so many times before.  His actions always spoke louder than his words, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear it this time.  But the hand kissing was an amazing thing. It always caught my heart.

“Cath, I don’t care what my parents and Father Tim say.  I’ve been miserable without you. I hate seeing you running around school all happy and I’m not with you.”

“Jame, you were the one who dumped me, remember?  You are the one who got a new girlfriend almost right away and left me in your basketball dust.  What do you want from me?”  My tears threatened to spill.

“I admit I went a little crazy last June.  We were just getting in too deep and I wanted you so much, it was all I could think about.  Then Father Tim and my Dad started telling me that a girl always holds someone like me back. That I’d never get the basketball scholarship I wanted if I got you pregnant.  That I’d never go to college and you wouldn’t either if that happened. So I got scared and did what they told me. I thought it was the right thing to do for both of us.”

Oh Jame.  I believed him.  He is a good guy and wants to please people.

“But we weren’t doing it, so I wasn’t in danger of getting pregnant.”

“Cath, how long would we have held off? Do you think we would have stopped?”

I looked into those sweet brown eyes and saw my pain reflected back to me.  I shook my head. “No, probably not. So what now? We shake hands and be friends?” 

He inched closer on the bench reached up to push my hair behind my ears and leaned in to kiss me. Ahhhhhhh, I was really home again.  In Jame’s arms, kissing him.  It was probably the wrong thing to do but it felt so right.

“I knew it. I knew it,” he whispered as we sat forehead-to-forehead. “I knew you still loved me.  I miss you, Cath.  Please can we get back together? Please? I’ve been so miserable without you.”

“I want that too, Jame.  I love you so much I thought I’d die without you.  But what about your Dad and Father Tim?”

“They’ll just have to understand.  I’m not gonna give you up ever again, OK?”

We stood up and hugged a lot and kissed a bunch until I knew I had to lock up and go.

“Give me a ride home in your car, Cath?  I’ve been wanting to check it out.”

So I shared a ride home with my sweet Jame and went right back to sharing my life with him.

That day I vowed to love Jame Patterson forever and ever, just like he promised me.

Chapter 21

I didn’t open the box. I hadn’t touched it for a long time and I decided to leave it where it was.  I knew exactly what was in there anyway, but the years had clouded my memory a little and I couldn’t quite bring every detail into focus.  Was that good or bad?

What now, God?  Why did Jame think he wanted this?  What would it do to me? To my girls? Didn’t he have a clue about the damage he would do?  Was he that uncaring and selfish?

I figured he would give me a little space, but I knew Jame wouldn’t give up.  So I wasn’t surprised to get his email later that night.

Cath,

I am so, so sorry again.  I thought I had figured out all the possible reactions you would have but I wasn’t prepared for the raw pain I saw in your eyes. I didn’t know.  I don’t know.  I left you long ago like a coward and never made it up to you.

Could we at least talk a little?  I don’t want to rip your world apart but I am on a quest.   You don’t have to be involved in it, although I hoped that when you heard me out, we might do it together.

Whatever you decide is up to you.  But I am on a mission and I’m sorry that it upsets you.  Maybe if we get things out in the open, it would help.

Please,

Jame

Get things out in the open? His quest? His mission?  I started to see red again in my raging pain.  Damn him for bringing all this up to the surface.  It had been buried deep a long, long time ago and that was the only way I could live with it.

I didn’t answer his email.

Chapter 22

27 Years Ago - Our Lady

of Sorrows High School

Jame and I fell back into our easy routine of being a couple.  Why did we mesh together so well?  Why did our souls seem to belong together?  Maddie said she knew we’d be back together because we were meant to be with each other.  Was she right?

There were issues.  His parents weren’t very happy with his decision to be with me again.  He was forced to have regular weekly meetings with Father Tim. I guess he was grilled about what we were doing.

And we were being good. Honest! We held off on getting into alone situations that could get out of control, but we couldn’t stay away from each other.

My car was an issue.  He didn’t have one.  His parents forbade him to drive mine or even be in mine a lot.  When we were, it was too tempting to climb into the back seat and get all hot and heavy.  

So we set rules and boundaries.  We followed the “Father Tim Routine” we called it.  Jame would see him on Sunday nights.  On Monday through Thursday no night dates, just school and phone contacts.  It was fine. We were both busy seniors.  The Friday and Saturday date nights had to be kept under control because there was always Father Tim’s talk on Sunday night.

College applications, Jame’s basketball college visits, the stress of keeping up good grades and all our activities were time consuming. My family already told me that I had to go to an in-state college, so I applied to several of them as a journalism major and held my breath hoping to get accepted to my first choice.

Several colleges heavily recruited Jame.  Some were close to home, others really far away. He promised he would stay close by so we could see each other on weekends.  Villanova or Fordham looked pretty good so far.  His dad was pushing for colleges in Texas and California.  I prayed those wouldn’t work out.

Senior year flew by and we got closer and closer.  Could high school love be this deep? This long lasting? It sure felt like that.   But we had a couple of close calls.  

One time we went to my house after school.  My parents wouldn’t be home until after work and we had a few hours to be alone. We ended up in my bedroom after promising we wouldn’t, but teenage hormones ruled.  It felt so good and so right with Jame, his long, lean body crushing mine and the breathless kissing and touching. 

The clothes came off and being totally naked with Jame for the first time was pure heaven. We were both eighteen now and it was getting harder and harder to be “good.”

“I don’t want to stop,” Jame moaned into my neck, as he lay nestled between my legs.  

“I don’t want you to,” I breathed back.

“Oh God, this is torture.”

“I know. I know.” 

We went on like that for a while, but the fear of Father Tim that was drilled into us prevailed. We used hands and kisses to satisfy our urges.

After the heavy breathing stopped, we cuddled and talked.

“I don’t want to have to stop anymore. Forget Father Tim.  We’re old enough now. I’m going to get some condoms and we’ll be really careful.”

“You mean it?  We’ll be safe, right?  Jame, I do not want to get pregnant. It would ruin all our college plans and our life together later on.”  I was thrilled and scared at the same time.  

“We’ll be really careful.  But I want to be inside you so bad.  I think about it all the time.”