Mistress at a Price (30 page)

She didn
’
t watch to see where they went. Everything had to appear normal. She forked up a scallop and ate it, aware that David was watching her, frowning a little.

‘
You know him, do you
—
this Liam Hargrave?
’

‘
I
’
ve met him,
’
she said.
‘
But I don
’
t know him.
’
And I never will
…

‘
Hmm.
’
His frown deepened.
‘
This one looks as if he has a brain as well. Perhaps it is serious, for once.
’

Cat put down her fork.
‘
Very likely,
’
she said, and felt herself begin to weep inside.

It was the most difficult meal she
’
d ever endured. She made a pretence of eating the guinea fowl that followed, but most of it stayed on her plate, and she swiftly declined all offers of dessert or coffee.

She wanted to be out of there. She wanted to be on her own, so that she could howl her despair at the moon.

Fortunately, her father didn
’
t seem disposed to linger either, and they managed to pick up a passing cab on the corner.

Apart from her asking if she could be dropped off first, they held very little conversation. And as soon as she reached her flat Cat ran to the bathroom and was violently sick. Even when her stomach was empty she carried on retching miserably, head spinning and tears running down her face.

Liam and Vanessa, she thought. Vanessa and Liam.

It couldn
’
t be happening. It was another nightmare, it had to be, and soon she would wake and he would hold her and comfort her.

‘
I
’
m here now,
’
he
’
d said, and if she
’
d listened properly she might have heard the implicit warning in his words. Because he
’
d been telling her he wouldn
’
t be there for ever
—
or not for her anyway.

And now he
’
d never be with her again, even though he was the only man she would ever love.

There, she thought, I
’
ve admitted it at last, just when all hope is gone.

It wasn
’
t a sudden revelation. If she was honest she
’
d known from the first that he was different, but she
’
d fought against that knowledge bitterly
—
desperately. Telling herself over and over again that it wasn
’
t love but sex that she wanted. The act of love rather than the act of loving.

Two people, she thought, having the faith to make vows and keep them
—
to build a life together. And she
’
d deliberately thrown the chance of that away. Destroyed her future happiness with both hands. Because she wouldn
’
t listen to what her heart was telling her.

‘
I didn
’
t want the truth,
’
she whispered.
‘
I wanted the stupid fantasy I
’
d invented, and now I have nothing.
’

She
’
d even given Liam the licence to choose elsewhere. But she
’
d never, even in her worst moments, dreamed his choice would be Vanessa. His boyhood goddess, she thought with a faint moan. Still beautiful
—
still fascinating. Still stealing hearts.

He told me I was beautiful, she thought desolately. And although I knew it wasn
’
t true I loved to hear him say it.

But he never once said he loved me. At least he played fair about that, although it
’
s small consolation now.

And I never said I loved him, either.

So often the words had been there, urging her to speak them. To admit that she wanted all of him
—
body and soul
—
the whole package. To be his wife if he asked her. To make the leap of faith gladly with him.

But would it have made any real difference if she
’
d done so? she asked herself sadly. Or would Vanessa still have taken him, leaving her with the knowledge that she
’
d simply humbled herself for nothing?

Maybe she
’
d spared herself an even greater misery than she was experiencing now.

She shed her clothing and crawled into bed, hugging her arms round her shivering body.

In a few hours she would have to get up, dress, and go to work, pretending that her life hadn
’
t ended and not being able to talk about it to anyone. Because the only shoulder it was possible for her to cry on was Liam
’
s. And he no longer wanted her.

I can
’
t go on thinking like this, she told herself, or I shall go mad.

She had to start being rational
—
practical. She needed to dispose of all the things he
’
d given her, for a start, then she
’
d remove his number from her mobile phone, after which she
’
d take back the keys to the flat and leave them there.

She would behave well, she thought, and then he would never know how close she
’
d come to cracking. She
’
d be spared that particular humiliation if nothing else.

She must make him believe that she
’
d meant what she said. That all she
’
d wanted was a physical relationship without strings, and with no recriminations when it ended.

And that she
’
d have no great difficulty in finding someone to take his place.

And if she could manage that, then one day, in the distant future, she might even be able to convince herself.

She
’
d meant to be brave, but she soon discovered that going back to the flat was a really bad idea. Even as she was parking the car her heart was thudding and her hands were damp.

She was tempted just to put the keys through the letterbox, and run, but she needed to go in and take a last look round, in case she
’
d been careless and left something. She
’
d done that sometimes over the past couple of months, although she
’
d been scrupulous at first about taking anything she
’
d brought away with her when she left.

In fact, she
’
d missed an earring, after that last visit, just two nights ago. It wasn
’
t particularly valuable
—
just one of a favourite pair
—
and the cleaners might have found it and put it where she couldn
’
t miss it again.

It would only take seconds to look, Cat assured herself, and she could be in and out in no time at all.

She unlocked the door and walked along the passage to the empty sitting room. Only it wasn
’
t empty at all. Liam was sitting on one of the sofas, and he rose as she came in and looked at her.

She checked instantly, her heart pounding and her throat tightening in genuine shock. She said,
‘
I
’
m sorry
—
I didn
’
t realise you
’
d be here. I
—
I
’
ll go.
’

‘
Why?
’
His voice was cool and level.
‘
You must have had good reason to come back.
’

‘
The best,
’
she said.
‘
I need to leave these.
’

She held out the keys, and then realised he might come and take them from her hand
—
that his fingers might brush hers
—
which would be unthinkable. Unbearable. So she walked to the fireplace and put them on the mantelshelf.

She went on in a little rush,
‘
And I wanted to have a look round
—
check I hadn
’
t left any personal stuff inadvertently.
’

‘
You haven
’
t,
’
he said.
‘
I
’
ve already looked, and there
’
s no trace of you.
’
The smoky eyes were grave.
‘
Rules obeyed to the letter. Just as you
’
ve always wanted.
’

‘
All the same,
’
she said,
‘
I
’
d like to see for myself. If you don
’
t object?
’

His mouth twisted.
‘
Be my guest
—
one more time.
’

There was no earring in the bathroom or the bedroom. She
’
d probably lost it somewhere completely different. Anyway, it was gone, and she wouldn
’
t think of it again. Part of all the other things she had to banish from her mind somehow.

What she now had to decide was how, possibly, she could deal with the present situation.

I have to play it cool, she told herself. I may be breaking up inside, but I can
’
t let him see that
—
can
’
t allow one crack in the façade. My God, my parents are both actors, I must have inherited something in the genes. And I can do this
—
because I have to. There
’
s no choice.

When she returned to the sitting room Liam had moved to the window, and was standing looking down into the communal garden. As she hesitated in the doorway he turned and their eyes met.

‘
Don
’
t worry,
’
she said.
‘
I
’
m not going to ask what you
’
re thinking, or if there
’
s a problem. Because I don
’
t have to, do I? It
’
s all been made perfectly clear.
’

She paused.
‘
Why didn
’
t you tell me to my face that it was all over the other night?
’
She slowed her voice to a drawl.
‘
Or were you planning to have your cake and eat it too?
’

Something came and went in his face, but when he spoke his tone matched her own faintly amused indifference.
‘
An interesting idea,
’
he acknowledged.
‘
What a pity it never occurred to me.
’

‘
Are you quite sure about that?
’
Cat challenged contemptuously.
‘
Just as a matter of interest, you understand, when did you first start seeing Vanessa?
’

‘
Does it really matter?
’
He sounded weary.
‘
And is it any of your concern, anyway?
’

‘
Yes,
’
she said, managing not to flinch.
‘
I
—
really
—
think it does matter. Vanessa is, after all, my mother.
’

He was silent for a moment.
‘
Very well,
’
he said.
‘
We
’
ve been meeting since that day at Vanni
’
s. Does that satisfy your curiosity?
’

‘
Meeting here?
’
There was a sudden hoarseness in her voice, which might have been a betrayal.