MMF BISEXUAL ROMANCE: Phoenix Running (25 page)

P
hoenix had a bad feeling
. He moved from Ashley’s chair to one of his own and watched Cee-Cee disappeared into the interior of the cruise ship. “What got into her?” Ashley asked. Phoenix shrugged. He absently picked apart the umbrella from her drink, letting the pieces fall to the deck and get carried away by the breeze. Ashley snagged them before they went overboard and glared at him.

Phoenix murmured, “Maybe it suddenly occurred to her that now that she’s about to get everything she always wanted, me and you don’t fit into her picture perfect lifestyle anymore. I dunno.”

“You really think Cee-Cee would cut us short as simple as that?” Ashley scoffed.

“C’mon, don’t be consciously naïve,” Phoenix said angrily. “She fell into this relationship same as me and you. None of us planned on this. She just found out her biggest dream is coming true. Wasting time on this shit will hold her back, and you and I both know Cee-Cee isn’t about to be held back.”

He rose and stretched, suddenly not in the mood to go on this excursion. “Like I said, good thing I invited you guys on this cruise.” He left Ashley behind and headed to their room, dragging his feet dejectedly. He had brought them here to tell them how he felt about them, but this unexpected turn of events had left him feeling that Cee-Cee, at least, wouldn’t care.

Oh, she’d care. She’d worry that she’d led him on, hurt his feelings. She wasn’t a cruel person. She just didn’t have the same dreams he did..

For a while there he had almost convinced himself that they had a future together. He was going to buy Cee-Cee that house she wanted. Ashley would be welcome to stay anytime he was in America. He expected the rock star to be busy, but he knew Ashley would make time for them. What now? Cee-Cee didn’t need him to buy the house now. She probably wouldn’t want to stick around anyway. There were better tech jobs in other places. One of the coasts. Where the cool kids were.

He threw himself onto the bed and felt the rolling of the ship, heard the waves bumping against the hull. The portholes were closed, and he was in blessed darkness when Ashley slipped into the room to join him. “I don’t want to go on that excursion either,” said Ashley, trying to put a hint of humor in his tone and not succeeding very well. He sat on the edge of the bed next to Phoenix.

“What are we going to do without her?” Phoenix hated the vulnerability in his voice as it cracked when he asked aloud the one question replaying over and over in his head. He put his hands to his face and squeezed his eyes shut. Ashley stretched out on top of him and pulled his hands free.

“Hey. Don’t. She’s not going to do that to us.”

“How do you know? Did you see the look on her face? It hit her all at once. That this isn’t what she wants. That she’s going to have to give something up to go after her real dream.” Phoenix shook his head in despair. “This couldn’t have come at a worse time. I need her to continue playing the role of my girlfriend in order to pull off this interview with Five Parker. Otherwise…”

Ashley stared down at him coldly, and Phoenix felt him stiffen with anger. “Your campaign? That’s all you’re worried about? Oh my god, Phoenix, sometimes you really sicken me!” He pushed away from the bed and paced the cramped room. Phoenix sat up slowly.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“One minute you’re moping that Cee-Cee might actually follow her dream, and I thought it was because you love her as much as I do. But you don’t really care! You just need her to keep playing your girlfriend so you can win this stupid election!”

“Ashley, it’s not like that,” Phoenix said quietly. It stung that Ashley would even think of him that way. Yeah, he cared about his campaign, but his words were thoughtlessly spoken in the heat of a confusing heartache that he wasn’t used to feeling. He didn’t know how else to say he needed her. He needed Cee-Cee in his life.

“No! It’s exactly like that. Past—and in this case, current—behavior is the best predictor of future. It’s exactly like when you went with me to see my father. There I was, thinking you were just being a great friend. Then, you turn around and say we have to be seen together because of a stupid motherfucking interview! Is that what this cruise is about, too?”

“What? No! I brought you both here because I wanted to show you how much I appreciated you, how much I cared for you! You said you wanted me to show you, so I’m showing you.”

“Oddly enough, I keep seeing the same thing over and over from you. You complain about Cee-Cee casting us aside in favor of her dreams. Yet, you’re just using her for yours. And me? I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here.” Ashley angrily threw the door open to leave. “I should’ve followed my gut the first time around and left this bullshit situation the minute I found out you would only have me if I was your dirty little secret.”

This was getting out of hand. Phoenix marched across the room and shut the door. “Listen to me. I’ve put a lot on the line to be here.”

“No, you haven’t. You swallowed your fucking fears, but they were groundless to begin with. Nobody knows you here. What are you risking? You’re expecting Cee-Cee to sacrifice her dream job. You want me to sacrifice my very damn personality! What exactly are you giving up again?”

Phoenix closed his mouth because the truth was, he didn’t have to give up anything to be here or to be with them. He hadn’t thought about how much he expected them to sacrifice because he was more concerned with what
he
might lose. Ashley pushed past him and exited, cellphone in hand. Phoenix blew out an exasperated breath. Probably going to tell his fans the latest in Asher news. The man couldn’t keep his life out of the public eye.

Was it wrong of Phoenix to want to keep some things to himself? He closed the door and lay down, feeling a headache coming on. Let Ashley have a tantrum. Let Cee-Cee blow them off. At least he had tried.

A
shley pounded the bar
. “Give me another one.” With a laugh, the bartender slid him another round. Lounge music from a bygone era played in this dimly lit corner, vying with the karaoke going on across the bar in another section, but the ship was blessedly empty with most of the tourists off enjoying excursions. It was eerily still here, where normally a dizzying amount of activity would be taking place.

“You know what the problem with love is?” Ashley slurred. “Love can only make you crave. It can’t give you what you crave. So, why would anyone want love? It’s like an itch that you have to figure out how to scratch even when you don’t have long enough fingernails.” The bartender smiled empathetically.

He had been looking forward to snorkeling. Through the wall of windows beside him, he saw a colorful seaport town and more blue ocean. They had another four days of this paradise gone to hell. Staring moodily into the tropical mixer, Ashley contemplated what had gone wrong this morning. Cee-Cee had checked her email, gotten upset about something and stormed off.

As much as Ashley wanted Phoenix to be wrong, he worried his friend was right. He also figured he owed him an apology for getting irate, but he was still angry. Phoenix left him feeling jumbled, emotionally weary. He was happy to be on this trip but sad that it took being away from everyone for the three of them to openly interact. He was disappointed to realize that this, too, might be part of Phoenix’s campaign. Yet, he was hopeful that some part of Phoenix really cared.

He let another half hour pass as he dissected the situation to get to the crux of the problem, and by the time he pushed away from the bar, he was no closer to the answer. Ashley slid his key card into the lock on their door. When he entered, he found Phoenix sleeping, but Cee-Cee was right on his heels and he waited for her before stepping into the room.

She looked surprised to see him. “I thought you two went on the excursion.”

“Phoenix and I got into it. We ended up not going. What’s up with you? Feeling better?”

Cee-Cee eyed the darkened room where Phoenix was sleeping and beckoned for Ashley to follow her. They went up to the onboard library—an elegant all-wood room fronted with glass to show off the exquisite vintage décor. Cee-Cee softly shut the door behind them and took a seat at the antique desk. The way she looked at him, as if contemplating whether or not to tell him what was on her mind, worried Ashley, but he cloaked it in concern for her.

“Tell me why you ran off earlier.” He slid into the chair across from her and studied her slender face. “Are you nervous about this success you’ve wished upon yourself?”

“No. Far from it.”

He had hoped that was the answer. Sighing, Ashley asked the question he dreaded. “Is it that you won’t have time for us after you sell the app? You’ll be a very important person when that happens.”

She put her hand atop his. “You know that’s not true.”

He realized he was holding his breath and let it out. “That’s what Phoenix thinks. When you stormed off this morning, he said it was because it occurred to you that you had everything you wanted, and we didn’t fit into the rest of your future.”

“Phoenix can kick rocks. I can’t believe he had the nerve to turn this around on me when he’s the one seeing someone else!” she growled. “I stormed off this morning because Gina Lafitte so graciously emailed me the morning paper with him and her plastered all over the front society page. He’s going out with her, Ashley.”

“I’m sure he would have told us if he was seeing someone else.”

“Oh, my god! You have to be the most idealistic creature I’ve ever met. Why would he tell us? What in the history of knowing Phoenix Briton gives you the impression he would give a shit about what we think or how we feel? Whatever is best for his campaign is what matters to him! And, for what it’s worth, I hope he gets reelected so that everything I’ve put up with on his behalf won’t be in vain. Pretending to be his damned girlfriend, and now
this
.”

Ashley rose and came around to her side of the table, kneeling at her knee and looking up at her. “I’m sorry he hurt you.” A sharp sob erupted, and he reached up to wipe the teardrop that fell.

“He’s making me look like the flavor of the month. With my nemesis, no less. I shouldn’t let it get to me. Our relationship was a farce from the very beginning.”

“No, it wasn’t. He’s just too inexperienced with anything that doesn’t come with a law book and loopholes. Look, I don’t think Phoenix is seeing someone else, Cee-Cee, but what you’re saying is valid. Phoenix is preoccupied with his campaign right now. It’s probably unfair of us to expect otherwise. We knew what this was when we walked into it,” he said grimly.

Another teardrop clung to her spiky lashes before falling onto the top of his hand. He clasped her chin and pressed his thumb to her lips as she sucked in a shaky deep breath. “Then, why do we stay?” she whispered.

“Because we love him.”

She smiled sadly. “That’s why I called you idealistic, Ashley. Love isn’t enough. It takes so much more than that to make a life with someone.” They had never been on the same page, none of them. She wasn’t even sure they were reading from the same book.

Cee-Cee made herself scarce for the rest of the day. When the passengers who had gone on land to explore returned to the ship, she finally went back to her room and discovered Phoenix wasn’t there. She didn’t know where Ashley was either, but that was perfectly fine with her. She wanted to be alone. None of this had gone the way she had hoped, although she couldn’t put a finger on exactly what she thought it was going to be.

Was she getting as naïve and optimistic as Ashley? When she had opened that envelope and seen the tickets to go on the cruise, she had imagined it would be a special getaway to bring them closer, but perhaps being stranded on a ship with nowhere to run wasn’t the place to find out how someone truly felt. Feelings were dangerous like that. Cee-Cee took a shower and pulled on her robe, curling up with the remote control and some pay-per-view movies to try to numb the pain.

A
shley found
Phoenix playing miniature golf with a Corona in one hand and the club in the other. He grabbed a club to join him. “I talked to Cee-Cee,” said Ashley.

Phoenix lined up his shot and swung. The tiny ball skipped forward closer to his hole but veered to the left. “What’d she say?”

Ashley contemplated telling him. Maybe Cee-Cee wasn’t ready for Phoenix to know. She hadn’t spilled the beans about the pictures, and he owed her one. “She said a lot, but it’s not what you think. I’ll leave it at that.”

Phoenix sighed and dropped the club. “That’s part of the problem. The two of you are always sneaking off together.”

“Jealousy doesn’t become you. The three of us need to sit down and work this out. She has some important questions to ask,” Ashley urged. Phoenix nodded.

“Shit, women and their ‘I think we need to talks.’ I take it she gave you an earful.”

“She gave me plenty to think about.”

Phoenix nodded again and looked askance at Ashley, but he didn’t say anything. Ashley clearly knew what Phoenix wanted to know, but it was Cee-Cee’s place to say what was on her mind. “Then, let’s go talk to her now and get that out of the way.”

C
ee-Cee glanced away
from the movie she was watching when Ashley and Phoenix entered the room. “You wanted to talk?” Phoenix warily opened. She rolled her eyes and snapped off the television, turning to the two men with a sigh. Her gaze flew to Ashley, and she knew this was his doing. She didn’t want to talk. She wanted to press rewind so she could tell her early morning self not to open that email. At least not until after the cruise.

They had been having so much fun. She had spent a glorious three days falling deeper in love with her two favorite men in the world, only for paradise to reveal itself to be a figment of her imagination. She had been fooling herself. This vacation was about three people having great sex. Why complicate a good thing with bullshit?

“What is there to talk about?” she prompted, forcing herself to smile. “I feel much better now. No more seasickness.” Phoenix sat on the edge of the bed next to her and studied her as Ashley leaned against the wall across from them.

“You seemed upset this morning, and I don’t think it was seasickness. So, talk to me. What changed?” Phoenix asked.

“Phoenix, there’s no one here but us, alright? You can drop the concerned boyfriend act. I told you. I’m fine. I think we should get back to doing what we do best,” said Cee-Cee. Ashley looked away at the blatant lie. Cee-Cee ignored his stiff frown. “Let’s get drinks, party and come back to the room and make love to each other. This is the last time we’ll all be free for a while, so we should make the most of it.”

Ashley crossed his arms. “No. I’m not pretending like we’re all happy-go-lucky here because we aren’t. Cee-Cee, you have a right to express how you really feel. Talk to us. Two things I can’t stand are secrets and lies, and this relationship is rife with that shit!”

“Okay,” she murmured calmly. Cee-Cee put her hands together as her shoulders slumped and she dropped her head forward. She spoke to the floor. “I think it’s time we ended this.”

“What?” Phoenix fired back. She nodded slowly, firmly. Ashley pressed his back against the wall and slid down until he was sitting on the floor and stared at her with glistening eyes. The seriousness of what she was saying was written all over her solemn face.

“Yeah, I think it’s past time. Everybody got what they came for. Phoenix, I played my role and I’ve done everything I could to ensure your reelection. Ashley, thank you so much for everything you did to make NowIn the success that it is. I believe you got the excitement you were looking for the night you met us, and you experienced a polyamorous relationship. If we’re waiting for a bigger bang than what we already got, then we’re wasting our time. Let’s end this before it gets ugly.”

Phoenix opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He ran his hands over his face and blinked at the fluorescent light above them. He wrapped his arms around his body and hugged himself as he stared at her mutely.

Ashley broke the silence. “Why are you giving up on us?”

“Because there is no us,” she retorted.

Phoenix shook his head. “This isn’t what I came here to do.”

Cee-Cee shot up from the bed and spun around to confront him. “Then, what did you have in mind? To profess your undying love? Be realistic. None of us are in a position to make those kinds of commitments.”

“No,” Phoenix growled. “You’re not in a position to make any kind of commitment, but it’s by choice.”

“Well, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black,” Cee-Cee sneered.

Ashley rose and planted himself between them. “Stop.”

“Don’t let her do this. Tell her we don’t have to do this!”

Cee-Cee laughed humorlessly with a toss of her head. “I don’t want to hate you, Phoenix. I don’t want to watch you rise yet again to power and grow into even more of a narcissist than you already are.”

“What about me?” Ashley whispered brokenly. He blinked back the wetness in his eyes and squared his shoulders. “Cee-Cee, we…this deserves a shot.”

“And we gave it that. But I don’t resent you either, Ashley. Right now your top priority is taking care of your father. After that, it’s music. Where do the two of us fit into the equation? Face it, guys. We’re three people on different journeys, traveling to places in life. Someone will have to give something up in order for this to remain as is. That’s not an option for me.”

Phoenix chuckled wryly. “It’s like I said, Ashley. She got that email and realized we didn’t fit into her success story.”

“Talk to me when you give up your run for reelection and you’re ready for us to be a real family, Phoenix,” she fired back. Phoenix huffed and clamped his mouth shut, brooding.

“She’s right,” Ashley painfully acknowledged. “She’s right. We…we can’t do this forever. It’s better to cut ties while we’re still on good terms.”

“How can you say that?” Phoenix flared. “How can you say that, knowing why I brought you two here? I’m doing everything I can to show you I love you both. Cee-Cee, what more do you want from me?”

Ashley repeated, “Someone will have to give something up. Will that be you, Phoenix?”

“You know I can’t do that.” Phoenix’s eyes pleaded with the both of them, but Cee-Cee wouldn’t look at him.

Ashley replied, “Well, then, that’s how I can say that. Once upon a time, someone told me it took more than love to make a relationship work, and I believe that. This thing between us has been as much of a sham as your publicity stunt with Cee-Cee. It felt good, but it wasn’t real. It can’t be if nobody is willing to risk something for it. So, let’s just…let’s just make the most of this trip.”

Cee-Cee nodded and put her hands to his shoulder, turning toward Ashley to hug him. She whispered into his ear, “I’m so sorry.” He kissed her tear-streaked face.

“It’s for the best.”

“Give me this,” Phoenix said in a low voice. “Give me the pretense for the rest of this trip. Please. I swear after that we can go our separate ways, but we can’t end like this. I don’t want to remember us this way—bickering, sniping, ugly.”

Cee-Cee weakened in Ashley’s arms, and she swallowed down the sob that threatened. The pain seemed to intensify with Phoenix’s words. “I don’t want that either.”

“Make love to me,” Ashley begged. “I need to be loved.”

Phoenix grabbed his hand and pulled him to the bed. Cee-Cee came willingly as well. They made love deep into the night. It was slow, sensual sex laden with regret and yearning. She felt fulfilled in every sense of the word except the most important one. In the back of her mind, she kept seeing Phoenix with Gina. She tried to dispel the image, realizing Gina had sent her that email to inspire exactly this sort of anger and distrust, and she didn’t want to give the witch the satisfaction.

Cee-Cee gave her body up in ways she had never done before, this time with her whole broken heart so that when Phoenix plunged inside of her, he could feel what he was giving up. Ashley whispered love words that left her hollow with sadness. Phoenix brought a desperation to the sex that was raw and vulnerable.

When it was all said and done, they fell asleep in each other’s arms like they had in happier times, except now the impending goodbye hung over them like an anvil. Ashley tucked Cee-Cee against his chest and slept with his head in the crook of Phoenix’s arm. Cee-Cee didn’t sleep much. She lay awake wondering if she was making the right decision as she watched her lovers sleep fitfully. Ashley whined softly. She rubbed his chest. Phoenix groggily placed his hand on top of hers.

“I love you, Cee-Cee,” he murmured in his sleep. She squeezed her eyes shut. Her hurt had forced her to say the things she had said tonight, but none of it was untrue. They needed this separation now before it was too late, before any of them gave up something they couldn’t get back in pursuit of a love that not everyone was willing to fight for.

P
hoenix woke
them with breakfast in bed. He had ordered room service while they slept. He had booked an excursion to Mayan ruins and put fresh batteries in his camera so they could take as many pictures as possible. When Cee-Cee rolled over, naked and sleepy and looking like a sun-kissed goddess, he kissed her before she could speak.

“Good morning.” She smiled slightly, touching her lips. She gazed with surprise at the fruit tray and mimosas by the bedside. “What’s all this?”

“I got you something. I was going to wait to give it to you on our last day, but after the discussion we had last night…Well, I just figured I’d better give them to you guys now,” Phoenix replied. He ran his fingers up Ashley’s leg and woke him, too. Ashley rolled onto his stomach, and the covers slid down his nude torso to reveal his wide shoulders.

He clasped Phoenix’s hand and held it for a beat while looking into his eyes. “I dreamed of you. I dreamed you were gone, and I couldn’t find my way without you,” he whispered. Cee-Cee sat up and drew the covers up to her chest.

“Hey, guys. No sadness for the rest of the trip,” she reminded them.

Phoenix swallowed the lump in his throat at Ashley’s words, and he went to the closet to dig around in his suitcase for the gifts he had purchased ahead of the trip, and he brought back two small jewelry boxes. Ashley and Cee-Cee shared a look, opening them at the same time.

“Oh my gosh…what is this?” Cee-Cee’s eyes watered at the glistening diamond tennis bracelet that winked from the case. Ashley held up his gift, a simpler band of platinum. Phoenix showed them his wrist where a matching bracelet glinted against his tanned skin.

On the inside of each was a separate inscription: “We are desperate for the things we miss…” “I am with you in this dark abyss…” and “I am falling into deepest bliss with you.”

“The lyrics to my song,” Ashley replied, smiling.

“It’s beautiful,” Cee-Cee breathed.

Phoenix fed her a grape and watched her chew slowly, her eyes on him. Ashley made room for him to rejoin them in bed. Phoenix replied, “Regardless of what we did right and what we got wrong, I want you to know that I have never felt this way about anyone else before. You’ve both touched places within me that were untouchable. I wish…I wish things could be different.”

Ashley shushed him with a tender touch to his lips. “What do we have planned for today?”

“We’re taking a hike to a Mayan temple,” Phoenix announced. “Better wear your walking shoes.”

Cee-Cee beamed. “I’ve always wanted to do that!”

They got dressed and began their day, and it was like the conversation that had happened the night before was a nightmare they had awakened from. The blue sky, the ancient stone, the deep green of the forest all conspired to say,
This is life, this is what’s real, not that madness…
But they couldn’t believe it. The conflicts were real; this rapturous interlude was ending. They threw their all into the next few days together and by the time the ship docked, there was nothing left to hold onto but memories.

Phoenix had his car drop each of them off. When they got to Ashley’s hotel, he sat still and stared out the window at it. “So this is goodbye,” he whispered sadly. Phoenix dropped his hand on top of Ashley’s.

“I’ll miss you,” said Phoenix.

Cee-Cee murmured reassuringly, “You know I’ll be in touch.” Ashley nodded and forced himself to get out of the car. No kisses, no hugs. All of that had been done aboard the cruise ship. He walked away from Phoenix without a backwards glance, and Phoenix stared after him with a hole in his chest.

As the car pulled away, he steeled himself to do the same with Cee-Cee. They rode in silence. He touched her fingers, but she gently moved her hand away. “Don’t make it harder than it has to be,” she murmured.

“Tell me this. Did I make you happy?”

She sighed and looked away. “The happiest.”

“Then why do we have to do this?”

“Because. You’ve also made me the saddest I’ve ever been. I don’t want to feel that way anymore.” Cee-Cee visibly swallowed, and Phoenix longed to take away whatever pain he caused her.

“I’m so sorry, Cee-Cee. I never meant to hurt you.”

“In matters of the heart, hurt is rarely intentional. Isn’t that what they say?” She looked away and he was struck by how young she was. He was no senior citizen, but five years….it was a lot. At twenty-two, he’d been so wet behind the ears, he was practically drowning. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter, Phoenix. I’m stepping down from PR-ISM. I just thought you should know.”

“Please don’t. The interview is coming up, and I need you.”

“Fine, Phoenix. But after the interview, that’s it for me.”

“After that…will you stay in touch?”

She twirled the bracelet around her wrist and closed her eyes. He saw her on the main deck with the sun bathing her face in golden light and the wind ruffling her feathery black hair. He saw her in a sunhat and a bikini. He saw her excitedly exploring the Mayan ruins. He would remember her like that. He didn’t want to remember the tears welling up when she opened her eyes.