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Twenty-One

Annalise

After the disaster that was my birthday, I didn’t go out with the girls for a few weeks, scared that I might bump into James again. Truth be told, I was scared I’d cave in to what he’d asked of me if I saw him again. Instead, I focussed all my energy on work and being a mom. Ayden wasn’t letting it show, but I knew he missed Drake. How could he not? Drake had been such a big part of our lives. Up until he left, we hadn’t told Ayden who his biological dad was. We were waiting until he was older, old enough to understand. But when he left, I had to tell my son the truth. That hadn’t been the easiest conversation, and I’d never wanted to have it alone. I wanted Drake there to help me break it to him.

Surprisingly, Ayden had taken it quite well. He’d been quite grown up about it all. I’d told him that if he ever wanted to meet his real dad, that I could try and make that happen. In reply, he told me that nobody else was his dad—his dad was Drake. His words were, “Well, if my real dad wanted to see me, then he would have bothered with me since I was born, but he hasn’t. Drake is my dad.” I was so impressed by his maturity. I’d always left the option open for Oliver to see Ayden. Drake and I didn’t actually
want
him to see him, but if Oliver had wanted, we would have tried to make something work.

In one way, it was good that he hadn’t been in touch because we were left to get on with our lives and we were happy. In another way, it was a pity that Oliver just couldn’t be arsed to be involved in Ayden’s life. But it was his loss. Ayden has always been a very loving, generous, kind boy. Oliver and his family never got to experience that.

Drake had been gone for several months and we hadn’t heard from him. It left me broken-hearted, but what was worse was never having any resolution. I didn’t know why he’d gone, what I’d done wrong to make him leave me. I blamed myself constantly, even though friends told me not to. Everyone told me it was his loss. But though my head listened to their words, my heart didn’t. My heart wanted to know why. They say time is a healer, but for me, time has only made me hurt more. How could a man profess to love me, take vows to love me unconditionally and never leave my side, then go against those vows and just up and leave without an explanation? Don’t I deserve closure? Don’t I deserve to be told what I did wrong? Did our marriage really mean that little to him that he could just walk away from it? He hasn’t asked for a divorce, but I’m guessing that’s because he doesn’t want any contact with me, not even through solicitors.

I’ve been trying my best to get over him. I’ve tried to just get on with life. But every day I get up, I still expect to see him in bed next to me. I prayed that I was mistaken, that somehow his leaving was all in my imagination. But the truth was, he was gone. What happened to us? I never knew that love could change so fast. Did we lose the chemistry we once had? Where had Drake gone? More importantly, why? He’d not only left me, but Ayden too. My son was broken-hearted. I was…well, I don’t really know. Was I heartbroken? Yes. Devastated? Yes. Still madly in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same about me? It seemed so. Did I take him for granted? Only he can answer that—but he won’t. He’s not answering my phone calls or returning my texts. I’ve been here, waiting on a reason, on a call that never came. How foolish does that make me? I’m still in love, but I’m in love on my own.

But my life goes on. My day consists of getting up, getting Ayden ready for school, dropping him off, and then going to work. After work, I pick Ayden up and go home. I cook the tea, do his homework with him, get him ready for bed, and then settle down to watch a bit of mindless television. The cycle rinses and repeats every day. I do what needs to be done, but in the back of my mind, Drake is always present. Many people point out that you’re only happy until you’re not. You never know how long you have with a person. I’ve always been a believer in your one true love. I’m not sure about soul mates, but lovers, best friends—that’s what we were. When a relationship ends, you ultimately end up questioning everything. You ask yourself if you were as close as you thought you were, did you really love each other as much as you thought? What is love? Scientists say it’s about the chemicals in your brain. Your heart doesn’t feel anything. At least your anatomical heart has nothing to do with love. But when you’re in love, you think you feel it in your heart. Drake managed to worm his way into mine, or so I thought. But it’s all in the brain. It’s your hormones that create these feelings. Or so they say.

I want to stop feeling so much hurt. But it’s easier said than done. You can’t just flick a switch and stop loving someone. People’s opinions on moving on vary. It doesn’t always mean you have to find somebody else. You can be single, find your own strength. If anything, that’s what I have tried to do. I’ve tried to be both mom and dad to Ayden. It’s been a struggle some days, but I’ve been trying my hardest to make it work.

***

I woke up one morning and decided it was time for a change. I had a rare day off from work and decided to go into town. I text Nicky to see if she was up for a bit of shopping and she was only too willing to come along.

“So what are you looking for?” Nicky asked me as we looked through the racks of clothing in one of our favourite shops.

“I don’t know yet. I just fancy a change. I’ve been thinking that maybe I’ve let my appearance go since having Ayden and I’d like to do something about it.”

“Let yourself go? Are you mad? You’re gorgeous,” she harrumphed as she took a top from one of the racks and held it out to me.

“I just think it’s time for a change, Nic. I want to update my wardrobe. That’s not that bad, is it?”

“No, of course not, but you look great. You have great dress sense. You have a drop dead gorgeous figure. Any man would be daft not to be falling over himself for you.”

“This isn’t about a man,” I replied with emphasis.

“I didn’t say it was, Anna. Look, you want some new clothes, great. I just don’t want you thinking that there’s anything you need to change about yourself. You’re beautiful inside and out.”

“Thank you,” I replied, hanging the top back up after deciding it wasn’t for me. “I just think that a little makeover wouldn’t hurt. You’re always telling me that I should feel good about myself and I think you’re right. But the way I’ll feel better is with a few changes.”

“Okay, it’s your life. I’ll mind my own business.”

I wish she would mind her own business sometimes, but I know she’s only looking out for me.

“I know what you’re thinking, Nic. I’m not stupid. You think I shouldn’t change myself for a man. That a man should love me for who and what I am. And you’re right. I’m not changing anything for a man, I’m doing this for me.”

“Well, if you’re sure…”

“I am.”

We shopped for quite some time and then went for some lunch. Weighed down by the many bags of clothes and shoes I had bought, we needed to stop and rest our feet. I was probably going to have a blister or two, having decided to go shopping in heels instead of flat shoes like I normally would.

Having enjoyed a lovely lunch, we went to a few more shops where I spent time selecting some new makeup and a new colour to dye my hair. I also went to a tattoo shop to get a scaffolding piercing in my right ear and booked my next tattoo. I didn’t tell Nicky the meaning behind the tattoo but it was to commemorate the years I had spent with Drake. I chose a beautiful flower and asked for it to go on my thigh. That way, nobody would see it unless they saw me naked and nobody would know what it meant unless I chose to tell them.

We went home and I collected Ayden from school. After helping him with his homework, I grabbed a pair of latex gloves and opened the box of hair dye.

Half an hour later, I took a shower and emerged with dark purple hair.

I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. The colour suited me and I was happy I had made the change. I had been telling Nicky the truth, I wasn’t changing for a man, I was making these changes for me. When Ayden was tucked up in bed, I went through some of my old clothes and bagged them up to take to a charity shop. There were some clothes I couldn’t bear to part with, things that Drake had bought me over the years, so I folded them neatly and put them in a drawer.

On the school run the following morning, I was waiting for Ayden’s teacher to open the door to his class when someone spoke behind me.

“I like the colour,” he said.

“Pardon?”

I turned to face the guy that had spoken.

“Your hair. The purple really suits you.”

“Thank you.”

I blushed and turned back to Ayden, giving him a hug and kiss before he went into the classroom.

Once I was back in the car and on the way to work, I smiled to myself. Having received a compliment from someone felt good. It didn’t matter that he was someone I didn’t normally talk to. It didn’t matter that it was a man that said it. What mattered was that someone thought the change I had made looked good. I mean, it mattered more what I thought, but it was nice to know that others agreed that it suited me.

Upon entering the office, there was a buzz around the room and people kept looking in my direction.

“Wow!” Nicky exclaimed as I sat at my desk next to hers.

“What?”

“Well, when you said you wanted to make a change, you really meant it.”

“Yes, I did. If you have a problem with that—”

“Of course I don’t,” she cut me off mid-sentence. “I think it looks great. It really suits you. It’s just…well, it’s different. That’s all.”

“Yes, well, different is what I was going for. And I for one really like the colour. It’s not too bright and in your face. It’s dark, with subtle hints of purple under certain lights.”

“It’s just that you were a redhead before and now, it’s darker and…well, it’s very you.”

“Thank you. Now can we get to work?” I asked as I turned my computer monitor on and logged into the system.

***

After a long day at work, I went to collect Ayden and headed home. I really needed to just chill and watch some crappy television. I made lasagne for tea and poured myself a small glass of wine, then I vegged out in front of the telly and flicked through the channels, looking for something to entertain me. Nothing particularly took my fancy, so I put on my box set of
Prison Break
. Nothing quite like a dose of Michael Scofield to brighten a girl’s day.

“Mommy, I like your purple hair. You’re always pretty, but I like this because it’s my favourite colour.”

I smiled at Ayden’s compliment as I tucked him into bed. I kissed him goodnight and went back to Michael Scofield.

Chapter

Twenty-Two

Drake

Dear Journal,

Zeke really got under my skin today. He says I should tell my Cariad everything. Thinks I should be honest and burden her with my problems. I couldn’t agree less. She doesn’t deserve to be brought down with me. I’ve been in rehab for months now with no contact with her or my son. Does the doc know how hard that’s been for me? Well, I can tell you it’s been nigh on impossible. I have my phone in my hand sometimes and I scroll through the photos I’ve taken. There are pictures of Anna, Ayden, and my family. Photos that make me smile, some that make me laugh, others that bring me close to tears. I have a photo of Anna on our wedding day—a picture I took when she wasn’t looking—and she looks radiant. I miss her so badly it makes my heart hurt. I miss Ayden so much it feels as though my heart has been torn out, jumped up and down on, and then replaced—battered and barely beating.

I also scroll through the contacts. I see her name there and want to press the call button. I want to hear her sweet, melodic voice. I want her to soothe my frazzled nerves. But I can’t do that. It isn’t fair.

I know I’m doing well with rehab. I know I’ve come a long way and I’m sober now. More sober than I’ve ever been. But it still wouldn’t be fair on Anna to burden her with all this. She’d want an explanation, something I’m not sure I can give. I’m not exactly sure I can explain it to myself, never mind her. I’ve always been able to tell her anything. I told her about Rachel and Morgana, even when I couldn’t tell anyone else. But I can’t tell her this. Why? Because I’m embarrassed. I’ve let myself down, I’ve let my family down, and I’ve left my wife and son—abandoned everyone that loves me. Why did I do that? Because I’m an alcoholic. Or a recovering alcoholic now. But still, the fact that she’s married to a drunk…that’s not something I want her to know…yet. Will I ever be able to face her and tell her the truth? Hopefully one day.

I want to go home but I don’t have a home anymore. So where do I go from here? I have a new sponsor lined up for when I leave. Her name is Amelia. I’ve met her once…she seems nice enough. I wish my sponsor was a guy, but I’m sure she’ll be fine. I guess I’m going to have to look into renting a house somewhere. In an ideal world, I’d go back to Anna, confess everything, and she’d take me back. But I’m a realist and I know that isn’t going to happen. Also, in an ideal world, I’d be able to see Ayden, even if I was living somewhere else. But without something to tell my beautiful, redheaded wife, she wouldn’t let me see him. I’m sure of that. I mean, I left her without an explanation and that’s going to mean she got hurt—badly. I didn’t mean it to happen that way, but I couldn’t tell her the truth and I couldn’t lie. So I didn’t say anything at all. I’m a coward. So that means I don’t get to see my son either. God, I’m such a dick. Why couldn’t I have grown a pair and told her everything? Or at least something. I should have come up with a good enough reason, not laying the blame for me leaving on her, but a reason she could cope with. No, I should have told the truth. I still should. I will. But not right now. It’s selfish, but I need to get my head on straight before I confess all.

Anyway, I can feel the itch to draw. So I’m logging off now and putting pen to paper. Or pencil, in this case.

Laters,

Drake.

I log off my MacBook after writing in my journal and pick up my pencil and sketch pad. I walk to the window and look outside. I have no idea what to draw, so I sit in the armchair in the corner of my room and close my eyes. Behind my eyelids, I see beautiful red hair swaying in a breeze. No, it’s not a breeze, it’s moving as she dances. My Cariad, my Anna dances with me to our wedding song,
Chasing Cars
. She looks beautiful, more beautiful than she ever has. Her dress is floor length with a flowing train. It has a lace-up back, sort of like a corset. The lace is purple, her favourite colour. It weaves its way down the bodice and into the waistline. The colour is a beautiful contrast against the cream coloured dress she chose. As she turns, I see the front of her dress; a sweetheart neckline—or so I’m told—a few diamantes sparkle over the top of her generous cleavage…it moulds to her body perfectly. She has the perfect hourglass figure and the dress emphasizes her curves.

I open my eyes and begin to draw what I saw.

The picture takes shape and I can’t help but smile. I wish I had something other than pencil so I could shade her hair the luscious red that she dyes it. A drop of water lands on the page and I dab it dry, but another takes its place as quickly. I stop what I’m doing and realise that it wasn’t water at all, it was my tears. I hadn’t even realised I was crying, I can’t remember the last time I cried except when I left my family behind that night.

I put the pad down and stand up to stretch my legs. I decide to go to the gym for the first time since being here. Zeke had given me a pass in case I ever wanted to go, but I hadn’t been bothered with a gym at home, so couldn’t see myself using it. I change into sweatpants and a t-shirt, then head for the punch bag that’s calling my name.

***

Her laughter echoes in my ears, the image of her face taunts my vision as I punch the hell out of the leather punch bag. What on Earth is wrong with me? Why did I have to be a class-A jerk? My Cariad doesn’t deserve this. And as for Ayden? He has always been the centre of my world. He’s just a kid and he sure as hell doesn’t deserve this, especially not after his dickwad of a biological father gave up on him before he was even born.

I walk back to my room and grab my phone. I scroll through the contacts to
Cariad
and my finger hovers over the call button. I chicken out and put the phone on the bed. What would I say to her? Where would I start? How could words express what’s happened and how I feel about her? Am I best off leaving her alone? I was never meant to be part of her world, she’s far too good for me.