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Authors: Keren Hughes
Annalise
The trip to Disneyland was amazing. We rode as many rides as we could fit in, saw fireworks displays, met characters from so many of Ayden’s favourite films. It was the best holiday I can ever remember having. Ayden had so much fun and was worn out by the end of each day. Out of everything we’d done, I think having dinner with the characters was one of his favourite parts of the whole trip. We came home with so many photos he wanted framed on the wall in his bedroom. We bought a frame that looked like part of a film reel, hung it on his wall, and selected his favourite photos. We added things to his memory box—the park tickets, his autograph book, and a lanyard he had filled with pin badges.
My favourite part of the trip, other than seeing the joy on my son’s face, was the souvenir shops. I bought enough stuff to make our house look like the inside of the Disney Store, according to Drake. I know I’m in my thirties, but in my opinion, you’re never too old for Disney. Too bad Drake isn’t of the same opinion, but that’s a typical man for you. At least he doesn’t mind me and my ever-growing collection.
We’d been back a week when my whole world changed in the space of a few sentences. Drake put Ayden to bed, came downstairs, and I expected to snuggle up and watch a film or something. However, the dreaded words
“We need to talk”
came out of Drake’s mouth and I knew that he was leaving. Every girl knows those words are code for
“I’m leaving you.”
I couldn’t stop the tears from falling as I told him to just pack his bags and go. My life from that moment on would never be the same again. Some things you just knew and this was one of those. I couldn’t stop my heart from breaking, but knowing Drake as I did, I knew he wouldn’t talk about his feelings. Whatever his reason for leaving, he wasn’t sharing it with me. Looking back, maybe I should have heard him out when he said we needed to talk, but having been in a similar position before with him needing to leave and clear his head, I knew he didn’t really want to talk. I didn’t know whether he was leaving for good this time or whether he just needed space to clear his head of whatever was swirling around it, but something told me that it was more than likely permanent. I couldn’t explain it, something just felt more final.
Drake
In all honesty, I’m more and more unsure about doing this with each box I load into the car. I know I’m doing the right thing for myself, but am I doing what’s right for Anna and Ayden? I’m breaking their hearts and mine. I can see into the lounge every time I retrieve a box, and I see Ayden still sat in his mom’s arms, with his head nuzzled into her chest and I can hear him crying. As for Anna, she’s sat rubbing Ayden’s back, trying to comfort her son, whilst trying to stop her own heart from breaking. I know it seems like I am being a bastard right now, but in the long run, they’ll see I did this out of love. I love them dearly—I won’t ever stop. But I have to leave. I have to do this because I know if I don’t, Anna will eventually figure it out. She’s smart, she’ll see what I’ve been doing, and she’ll kick me out. I don’t want it to come to that, so I’m leaving before it does.
Anna looks up at me, regarding me wearily, old tears staining her face, fresh ones running like rivers down her cheeks. She’s only just beginning to break. This, believe it or not, is not the worst that will come. She’ll feel worse in the coming days. She’ll try and reason through everything, wanting to know why I left. But she won’t find answers and that will make her feel worse. It makes me seem callous, but I can’t give her the reason I’m leaving. The real reason is far worse than she can imagine. I can’t even admit it out loud to myself, so how I can I expect her to understand? She’d just kick me out if I told her anyway, so ending it like this just makes more sense all round. Or at least I
think
it does.
Ayden’s head lifts from Anna’s chest and I can see tears streaming down his face, his cheeks are red and his hair is dishevelled from being asleep before coming downstairs to ask for a glass of water. I stopped him on his way back to his room, asked him to come and talk to me and Mommy for a few minutes. He doesn’t deserve me to break his heart. I try my best to assure him that this was in no way his fault. I’m not sure I did a very good job of that. But if there’s one thing I am sure of, it’s that Anna will do her utmost to make Ayden believe it’s got nothing to do with him. It really hasn’t. It’s not Anna’s fault either, but I guess she’ll never believe that. In fact, I would lay money on Anna believing it’s all her fault. She’ll sit there and think about all the things that could possibly have made me do this, but she won’t ever come up with the right reason.
I know Anna will blame herself, and I know if I told her the real reason I’m leaving, she would be able to go on about her life a bit easier. So why the fuck am I not telling her the truth? Because I am a stupid fucking coward. A complete and utter weak, pathetic coward. I’m selfish too. I’m not telling her everything because I don’t want her to know what’s become of her husband. If she knew what I’ve turned into, she would want to know why I let myself get so low. But she’d want to help me too. That’s just the kind of selfless person she is. But she can’t be part of the solution. I have to want this for myself, not just for her and Ayden. I can’t have them as a crutch. I have to be free from this debilitating stone around my neck. I feel like Atlas, with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m not sure if I’ll ever stop feeling that way. I can only hope.
I called Jack as I was packing and asked him to come over to drive my car. I gave him the excuse that I’d had a drink and couldn’t drive. Nobody knows why I can’t drive the car myself. I can’t tell them the truth—they just wouldn’t understand. I also haven’t told Jack where I’m going and asked to stay with him—just for the night—and then I plan to leave the next day in a taxi, not telling anyone but the driver where I’m headed.
Packing the last box into the boot of my car, I take one last look through the window before getting into the passenger seat of the car as I wait for Jack to arrive. I inhale a deep breath and exhale slowly. I want so much to go back in there and beg forgiveness, to sit and talk this through. I know Anna would do anything she could to help me. She’s the only person I’ve ever trusted implicitly. That’s why I can’t burden her with this too. She’s always taken everything so well. When she found out she was pregnant with Ayden, she rationally thought through the best thing to do, knowing she couldn’t get rid of him. So she made the right decision and left that no good junkie for a better future with her son. When she found out the one skeleton I have in my closet, she took it all in and she helped me come to terms with it. Or so she thought. I’ve never really come to terms with it fully, just enough to get by and fake it with Anna and my family.
Jack arrives and no words are exchanged as he looks into the back of the car and sees my life in just a few boxes. He gives me a slightly puzzled glance and I just shrug my shoulders, faking nonchalance. He gets into the car and starts the engine. I take a deep breath as he puts his foot on the accelerator. One last look back through the rear-view mirror and everything is blurry. For the first time in a really long time, except for when my father died. I’m actually crying. This feeling, this hollow pit in my stomach, it hurts more than words could ever express. I’ve gone and lost the best things in my life. My wife and son. They mean more to me than anything, and they are the reason I want to leave and get myself back together. I don’t know if Anna could ever forgive me, but with God as my witness, I will try to earn her trust and respect back. One day. I just don’t know when that day will be.
Annalise
I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but my husband walked out the door and out of my life. I thought Drake was my forever. Never did I imagine this coming. We’d only been back from our holiday for a few days. Paris was amazing. So many sights to see, so many memories made with my two boys. Drake had been loving and attentive. He’d taken us sightseeing: Notre Dame, the Arc de Triomphe, the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower. When we got to the latter, he’d bought me a charm of the tower to put on the charm bracelet he had bought for my birthday a couple of years back and had been helping me to fill since. The weather had been kind to us and Disneyland was absolutely magical. It was made better by the fact we didn’t have to wait around all day in the rain. Ayden had talked about going to Disneyland since he was old enough to know what it was, but we hadn’t had the money to take him—not until Drake had been given a promotion at work. So to celebrate, he’d taken us to Paris for a long weekend and Ayden had experienced all the things he wanted to. The rides, his favourite characters walking around the park all day, and we’d had dinner with the characters. It was the best holiday we’d ever taken together. But those dreams were shattered into a thousand pieces the moment he said goodbye.
We’ve broken up before. We’ve had our share of ups and downs like a lot of couples do…but something told me this time was different. The look in his eyes as he told Ayden that it wasn’t his fault and he wasn’t to blame himself was so heart-breaking. You could see so many unspoken emotions in his eyes, things he couldn’t or wouldn’t say. He looked at me and told me he loved me and he always would but he had to go. I’d been sat watching telly with him by my side and when Ayden had gone to bed, we were going to snuggle up and watch
Game of Thrones
. But then he’d said those dreaded words…the ones no woman wants to hear…
“We need to talk.”
There was so much in those four words. I took it to mean he had to leave. Women, we all know those four words are code for
“I’m leaving you.”
So I’d told him that if he wanted to go, then he should, but he was to grow a pair and be man enough to tell Ayden himself.
Ayden had come downstairs to ask for a glass of water because he couldn’t stop coughing. He’d come back from holiday with a cold and the coughing kept him awake at night. Drake had stopped him on his way back upstairs and told him there was something he needed to talk to the two of us about.
“It’s not your fault, Ayden…you must never blame yourself. Promise me that,” Drake said as Ayden sat on my lap and wrapped his arms around my neck. He snuggled his head into my chest and sobbed his little heart out. My heart broke for him.
“And it’s not Mommy’s fault either, Ayden. Neither of you should blame yourselves. I love you both so much.”
“Then why can’t you stay?” Ayden asked in a quiet voice.
“Daddy needs to go away and get his head in order, buddy. I can’t really explain.”
Ayden shrugged and snuggled closer into me. He didn’t watch as Drake began packing things to take with him. I tried to soothe him, rubbing my hand up and down his back, whispering soothing words in his ear. Nothing could make this better for my boy. His daddy was leaving and never coming back. That was going to leave a scar. But I’d be there when it did.
“I’m sorry, Anna. I know you’ll probably never believe me or forgive me…God knows I don’t deserve you to. But I really am sorry. I love you both so much…”
“Just not enough to stay,” I said, cutting him off.
“That’s not fair.”
“Not fair? Not fair?” I raised my voice and Ayden moved off my lap as I stood and shouted in Drake’s face.
“Calm down, Anna,” he said as he tried to get me to sit back down.
“Calm down? How do I calm the fuck down when you’re leaving me and not even giving me a reason?” I didn’t like swearing in front of Ayden if I could help it, but my temper was rising.
All of a sudden, I felt deflated and sat back on the couch. I pulled Ayden back up onto my lap and held him tightly as tears of my own began to flow.
“Just leave, Drake, just…go.”
I sobbed harder and harder. Ayden and I held onto each other tightly as we cried together. Drake looked at us before picking up a box and walking to the front door. He opened the door and touched the boot of the car with his foot for it to open. He placed box after box inside and all I could do was cry. I didn’t want him to go, but I didn’t have it in me to fight for him to stay. Drake has never been one to talk about his feelings, so it would be pointless trying to get him to open up about what was really going on. I stroked my son’s hair and held him close as he cried. I watched Drake falter as he picked up the last box. He looked like he wanted to say something, but no words came. He placed the box into the boot, shut it, and walked round to get in the car. I watched as he got in, expecting the car to roar right off the drive at speed to get the hell away from us, from whatever had gone wrong enough for him to leave. He just sat there. The car remained motionless for a good five minutes before I saw Leanne pull up and drop Jack off for some reason. I watched as Jack got in the driver’s seat and started the engine. Then the car pulled away, leaving us devastated and empty.