More Than Friends (Kingsley #4) (27 page)

“
Okay
.
” Renee squeezed his hand reassuringly, meeting his eyes across the table
.“
Then talk to me, Michael. Do
n’
t shut me out
.
”

“
Look, when I saw Nicolette, a thousand things went through my mind, and I did
n’
t know how to explain it all without sounding like an asshole. Realizing she was pregnant, I wondered if she lied, if she got remarried, if she left me fo
r
… someone else
.
” He swallowed against the tightness in his throat, tried to force air int
o
– and then out o
f
– his lungs
.“
And to have you standing right there, and know you felt awkward because I could
n’
t keep it together
?
”

“
I was fine
,
” Renee said softly
.“
Curious, mostly. Keep going
.
”

Michael sighed, glancing down at their hands, still together on the tabletop
.“
Sh
e’
s still beautiful – she looked exactly the same as the day she left. I remember her laugh, he
r
… smell. I remember fighting with her over the countertops in the kitchen. I remember letting her win, how smug she was, and how she gushed when I covered those countertops in flowers one year for her birthday. I did
n’
t marry her for a year, Renee, or for two or three or five. I married her for the rest of my life, and then suddenly I was alone again. So yea
h
… it was hard for me to see her
.
” He tightened his grip on Rene
e’
s fingers, shook his head as if to shake away the sting of tears at the backs of his eyes.

“
But how do I tell
you
that, and watch you feel intimidated by it when yo
u’
re so much more than that already
?
” She smiled, opened her mouth to respond, and closed it again when he shook his head to silence her and kept talking
.“
Yes
,
” he said
,“
I still look at you and see my best friend, the girl who would have sat with me and watched me cry like a bitch and probably still managed to respect me as a man. I see the girl who is
n’
t afraid to eat popcorn with me all night long and watch stupid movies and who does
n’
t get mad when I talk shit the whole time, because we can always just watch it again.I look out past today, to Harmon
y’
s wedding coming up, to Eva
n’
s wedding one day, t
o
… whenever. And I see you, the girl who does
n’
t care when I talk through the movie
.
”

“
Well, I want the conversation more than the movie
,
” Renee murmured, shrugging. Her eyes had taken on a slight sparkle in the light over their table, and Michael prayed he was saying the right things, prayed he was expressing what he meant, prayed that she understood.

“
I know
,
” he said
.“
Maybe tha
t’
s why I want the future more than the past
.
”

Her eyes widened with surprise and her mouth popped open, dinner-faded lipstick forming a littl
e‘o’
. Her chin trembled, but she firmed her expression quickly, blinking furiously as she looked away. Michael watched her struggle to regain control, watched her press her lips into a fine line, terrified that he would say something wrong, that he would go too far, that he would ruin everything
.“
Alright
,
” she said finally, taking a deep breath and bringing her eyes back to his face
.“
Go on
.
”

“
Like I said, I still look at you and see my best friend. But now, I see other things too. I
t’
s lik
e
… I do
n’
t even know how to describe what
I’
m feeling. When my mom got hurt and you stayed with me, and then you came home with me and stayed there too, I jus
t
–“ He broke off, sighing in frustration. He felt like he was tripping over his words, like she could
n’
t possibly understand what he really wanted to say because no matter how many times he said it, he could
n’
t seem to say it correctly. But her eyes had softened, and she was looking at him in a way he was
n’
t sure sh
e’
d ever looked at him before, so he took the leap and carried on
.“
Something changed the
n
– for me, at least. And I do
n’
t know what it was, but I remember noticing you, really noticing you
.
” He watched her eyes narrow and broke into a grin
.“
As a woman, I mean, not just as a friend. Like I suddenly wanted to drag you over to me and bury my hands in your hair and jus
t
– I do
n’
t even know. I felt like
I’
d been carrying a favorite rock around in my pocket for a long time, and only just realized that it was a diamond. And I know it creeped you out to see me when I first saw Nicolette in the mall the other day bu
t
… Renee, whatever changed between us before? I need you to know that seeing her did
n’
t change it back. Sh
e’
s in the past now, okay
?
”

Her eyes widened again, and her eyebrows shot upward as she stared at him. Michael watched her throat work as she swallowed, and she pulled her hand away from his to reach for her wine. Her eyes clouded with emotion, darkened with lust, and as she placed her wine glass back on the table, the tip of her tongue snaked out to dampen one corner of her mouth
.“I’
m sorry I overreacted
,
” she said
.“
I do
n’
t even know what it was. Butit was stupid, an
d
…” Rene
e’
s voice trailed away as she watched a slow smile spread over Michae
l’
s face; she arched her brows curiously and smiled back
.“
What
?
”

“
Apology accepted.
I’
m sorry I was
n’
t more clear. And
I’
m sorry you were left hanging
.
” He spoke the words from the heart, looking directly into Rene
e’
s face. Lowering her eyes to her plate, she chewed her lip and nodded silently; the embarrassed smile on her face made Michael want to sweep everything off the table and lay her down right there in the middle of the restaurant. He could
n’
t do that though, so instead he sipped his wine and asked
,“
What do you remember about the morning after you stayed at the hospital with me
?
”

Rene
e’
s smile widened; she took Michae
l’
s hand, shaking her head slightly
.“
You made fun of me for drooling
,
” she said, laughing
.“
And snoring
.
”

“
Had to
,
” Michael answered
.“
Afraid if I did
n’
t,
I’
d cross a line and do something stupid
.
” He swallowed nervously, cutting his eyes at the young server who had been approaching their table, a fresh bottle of wine in hand. In response to the subtle signal, the server faded into the background, close enough to be summoned but far enough away to respect their privacy
.“
Let me tell you what I remember
.
”

“
Alright
.
” Swirling the wine in the bottom of her glass, Renee took a small sip as she waited for Michael to speak, nibbling from the vegetable platter at the edge of their table.

“
I remember opening my eyes
,
” Michael said slowly
,“
and seeing you there next to me, and I had this almost overpowering urge to kiss you right then. And then you woke up and looked at me, all sleepy an
d
– I think that was when everything really clicked for me, when I started to realize that as perfect as we are as friend
s
… maybe ther
e’
s more between us than we thought. But even then, all I could think of was Harvey, and that you were seeing someone. You wer
e
… out of my reach, you know
?
”

She was watching him silently, emotions flickering over her face; even after he looked away he could feel her eyes on him. Michael sighed, hoping the inhalation would ease the tightness that had settled in his chest; Renee shook her head, drinking the last of her wine as Michael chose a bite of steak and swished it through the fondue pot between them. Michael hoped she did
n’
t notice the tremble in his fingers, the tiny beads of sweat that had broken out on his brow. He had
n’
t allowed himself to be this open with anyone in a long time, and it was difficult to take a chance he knew might not end well. But he watched her face, imagined letting it all go back to the way it was, felt the ache of loss in his chest, and hoped with all his heart that the risk would be worth it.
“
I spent the whole week after that just reliving that moment, the way you looked right there beside me, and it was almost painful for me to think of you seeing someone
.
” Michael looked away, uncomfortable with his own sense of vulnerability
.“
Because I finally saw you like that and by then it was a little too late, you know? You were all excited about your date, and then it did
n’
t matter if I saw things differently or not
.
”

“
Alright then
,
” she said finally, tipping her head at him as she reached for her discarded fondue fork
.“
So what made you decide to make a move? After my date, and afte
r
… u
m
… you had company at your house?
I’
d think that was kind of a skeevy move if I did
n’
t know you better, you know
.
”

Michael nodded, a flush of embarrassed heat warming his face as he steered a cherry tomato around the perimeter of his plate
.“
I know. And even with the best of intentions,
I’
ll admit that was horrible timing.
I’
m sorry for that, too
,
” he said
.“
I feel like it cheapens what happened with us, somehow, and
I’
m sorry for that
.
”

Renee laughed, throwing her head back in amusement
.“
Do
n’
t be sorry
,
” she said
.“
And anyway, I had just come running to you after a date gone wrong, remember
?
”

“
Fair enough. So I had spent a week or so by that point thinking about you with hi
m
– or with anyone, and I was trying to figure out why it was messing me up so bad and getting nowhere. But then it did
n’
t work out with Harvey, and there you were at my house. I was worried for you, of course, and I could tell how upset you were, but on top of everything, I was just relieved
.
”

“
Oh, relieved that my date bombed
?
” Renee asked, talking carefully around a bite of chicken
.“
Thanks for the good wishes, bestie
.
”

“
No,
I’
m serious though
,
” Michael said, laughing
.“
And then to realize that
my
seeing someone would mess
you
up too? That one threw me, seeing you get upset when you realized that I had had someone around
.
” Michael shrugged, leaving the tomato uneaten at the edge of his plate. He did
n’
t have words to express what that moment had felt like, when h
e’
d stared at her across the kitchen in his house, fighting his need for her, angry over the thought of her in someone els
e’
s arms, and slowly realizing that maybe she felt the same
.“
The idea that you felt what I was feeling about us? I jus
t
… could
n’
t stay on my side of the line anymore, after that
.
”

“
I did
n’
t mean for you to notice that
,
” Renee said quietly
.“
I never made even a hint, because I was
n’
t sure I wanted to cross that line either. I may have thought of it
,
” she confessed
,“
but I never intended to let on about it. I did
n’
t know you thought of me that way. But when I was standing there in your house, and realizing that someone else had been ther
e…
" She trailed away, shaking her head.

“
Never made a hint? You liar. You gave so many signs, whether you meant to or not. You more than
made a hint
," he said, using his fingers to mime air quotes as he playfully tossed her words back at her.

"Oh yeah?" Brandishing her fondue fork as she speared a cube of steak and dipped it into the fondue pot, Renee stared at Michael with an amused gleam in her eyes, made all the more lovely by the flush that crept up her neck. "Other than that night when I was understandably upset and less in control of my emotions, when did I make even the slightest hint?"

"All the time, now that
I’
m not too stuck up my own ass to see it
,
” Michael answered, laughing
.“
Come on, you have to admit it was there. Even if neither of us were smart enough to actively notice it. If everyone else around us noticed it, then it has to have been there
.
” Renee snorted; Michael laughed again, thinking back over the length of their friendship. How had he been so blind
?“I’
m serious though. Look at every time either of us went above and beyond casual friendship. Me driving halfway across the state to pick you up when you broke down on the road trip with your friends. Fixing the sink at your house. Twice. When you called me at three in the morning to get a snake out of the bathroom
.
”

She laughed, remembering
.“
Alright, but those are guy things. I could
n’
t call any of my girlfriends to get a snake out of my house – tha
t’
s man stuff!And
,
” she went on smugly,
“
those are all things
you
did. Those things all suggest that
you
liked
me
. Try again, mister
.
”

“
Fine, fine
,
” Michael said, laughing with her
.“
What about when you made a point to be near me during Cass and Dre
w’
s wedding reception? Right? Because even then, you could tell I was hurting and we had just met. We hardly knew each other, but you went out of your way to reach out to me and cheer me up
.
”