More Than Friends (Kingsley #4) (23 page)

But was his mother right about Renee? Of course she was; Michael knew even as the question arose in his mind that she was. In stepping over the line that divided the space between
friends
and
more
, Michael had changed everything in a way that could not be undone. But had he stopped being her friend only because he had kissed the tiny freckle over her hip bone? Had he stopped being her friend when he had brought their bodies together? More importantly, had the look of sadness in her eyes that night meant that it would be too late for him to start again?

It was true that he had talked to Renee about Nicolette; Michael and Renee had talked about his divorce many times, and he had always been honest with her about his feelings on the matter. He had been honest in the moments when he hated Nicolette for leaving, when he resented her for not trusting in their love, and when he missed her so terribly that it made him ache. He had always been honest with he
r
– so what had stopped him from being honest earlier that day?

That was an easy question to answer. He had
n’
t told her because he could
n’
t imagine telling the woman h
e’
d just gotten out of bed with that his body had still responded instantly to a woman he had
n’
t seen in years; he could
n’
t tell the woman whose hand he held that his heart had still leapt in his chest at the sight of his ex-wife walking toward them.

He had, in the periphery of his notice, seen how Renee had watched him over dinner. He could remember now, in hindsight, the way she had seemed to be waiting for something. But how could he tell Renee that even though they had begun to build something
more
, in that moment, he had seen only Nicolette? Would she understand? N
o
… surely she would
n’
t. She could
n’
t! How could any woman hear that and understand?

His mouth twisted wryly as he turned off the water and scraped his palms over his hair. Well, she was just going to have to understand; he was going to have to try to explain. And if they were going to have a deeper relationship, if they were going to be something more than friends, he was going to have to trust her to be there for him.

Michael stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his hips, staring down at his phone. It seemed to stare back, the black screen reflecting his own face back at him. He snatched it up, swiped his finger over the screen to unlock it, and checked the time.
Just after ten
. She would be home, but would she be in bed yet?

He did
n’
t want to call and risk waking her in case she was already in bed, but he knew exactly what to say in a text so that she would
n’
t be able to resist answering if she was awake to see it
.
“
Hey
,
”
he wrote
.
“
I think I have words now. Still want to listen
?
”
He sent the text as a jolt of nervousness settled in his stomach, and rested the phone on the bathroom counter while he brushed his teeth, with the screen facing upward so that he could watch for her reply.

As it happened, Michael and Renee did
n’
t find time to do more than text each other in passing over the course of the next two days. Rene
e’
s yoga studio was flooded by a broken water main, her business partner was out of town, and she was left to handle the cleanup and damages on her own, and at Michae
l’
s auto repair shop, a new maintenance contract with a local taxi service had added a new measure of stress to his deadlines. Michael spent that Wednesday morning under one hood or another in a steady stream of tune-ups, while Ben worked one oil change after another in the bay beside him. The shop itself was closed to new jobs, Michael had switched his non-corporate clients to an appointment-only schedule, and business was booming.

It was three-thirty in the afternoon when they looked at each other across the garage, sighed, and dropped the hoods of the cars the
y’
d just finished
.“
Dude,
I’
m starving
,
” Ben groaned
.“
And bored.When we get some down time, you need to teach me more stuff
.
”

Michael turned and walked to the tool bench that ran along the back wall of the garage, glancing over his shoulder as Ben followed, lowering his face to hide a smile as Ben echoed his movements
.“
Alright then
,
” he said as they emptied their pockets and began to clean the tools the
y’
d been using
.“
Le
t’
s do this. W
e’
ll order something for lunch, you can run and pick it up if you want, and
I’
ll see what I can get done here before you get back
.
” Shrugging, he swiped the worst of the engine grease from his hands and dropped his now-soiled rag on the counter
.“
Maybe
I’
ll see how many tire rotations I can swing in twenty minutes or something. Break the monotony. Pizza good for you? Or do you want sandwiches? I have
n’
t had a good BLT in a while
.
”

Dropping the last wrench into the appropriate drawer, Ben nodded and bent to pull a clean rag from the basket beneath the counter. Opening one hand, he glanced down to examine the filth that coated his fingernails and darkened the creases of his knuckles; his lip curled in distaste, and he used the rag to scrub hard around the edges of his fingernails
.“
Subs are fine
,
” he muttered
,“
as long as I can get this crap off my hands to eat. Beth says my hands are disgusting
.
”

Laughing, Michael turned to reach for the phone
.“
I bet she does
n’
t say that about the raise you got, though
.
”

“
No, she likes the raise. Sh
e’
s been girlying our apartment like crazy
.
” Examining his hands again, Ben threw the soiled rag on the counter and reached for another
.“
She bought a damned art print the other day and put it over the couch. Now every time I sit down I brain myself on the stupid frame
.
”

“
Oh yeah, that must be awful, your woman playing Susie Homemaker
,
” Michael answered, mocking
.“I’
m sure glad I do
n’
t have to worry about shit like that anymore. It must be damned near unbearable when you get home and your dinne
r’
s waiting. Man am I glad I do
n’
t have that problem
.
”

Ben laughed
.“
Liar
.
”

“
No,
I’
m serious. And I bet i
t’
s even worse if she did
n’
t make dinner because she planned on skipping right to dessert
.
”

“
Shut up and order the food, Mike
.
” Shaking his head, Ben tossed a second rag onto the counter and turned toward the door to the lobby
.“
BLT, double bacon, extra mayo, add cheese, onions and pickles.
I’
ll be back, I gotta go get my keys
.
”

Michael was still grinning when the clerk at the local sub shop answered the call. He placed the orders for his food and Be
n’
s, had the total added to his monthly tab, and turned back to his work. They were still behind on jobs and likely to miss the next deadline if he could
n’
t get them caught up
.“
Just gonna have to stay late again, tha
t’
s all
,
” he muttered to himself, reaching for the stereo.

Thirty minutes later, Michael heard someone stepping into the open bay next to him and tightened the last lug nut on the second tire rotation with a sigh
.“
I only got two done, dammit. I
t’
s been twenty minutes already
?
”

“
I have no idea
,
” Renee said amusedly from the other side of the car
.“
When did the timer start
?
”

Straightening in surprise, Michael forgot about the time entirely and made his way around the car, smiling
.“
Hey, ho
w’
s it going
?
”

“
I
t’
s going
,
” she answered
.“I’
ve got all the water pumped out, got plumbers in there to check everything out. Fans going constantly to help dry everything out. And appointments with contractors for construction repair in the next few days if all goes well. Got permission to hold two classes a day at the park until the studio can reopen, called all the customers to offer a free mont
h’
s membership. Oh, and this morning I managed to take a real shower without being in a rush to get somewhere or a panic over what might happen next
.
”

“
Tha
t’
s always good
.
”

“
Yeah I was pretty happy about it
.
” She dropped her eyes to her hands, clutching her purse in front of her, and fiddled with the zipper nervously before she looked up again
.“
Look, Michael, I know we have
n’
t had a chance to talk, but, I jus
t
–“ Renee sighed, taking a deep breath
.“
This is what women mean when they say the
y’
re afraid to be more than friends, when the
y
… when
we
say that we do
n’
t want to risk losing the friendship. Michael, I do
n’
t want us to stop being friends. And if we are
n’
t friends anymore and we ca
n’
t be honest with each other because we were together, then how will we be able to stay friends if i
t’
s over
?
”

“
We
were
together
?
” Eyebrows raised, Michael stepped forward to take her hands in his. Her purse strap tangled in their fingers, and he took the bag from her hands, placing it carefully on the bumper of the delivery van h
e’
d been working on
.“
Renee, what are you saying? Is this over already
?
” It was hard for him to bring his eyes back up from their joined hands, hard for him to meet her eyes, uncertain of what he would see in them; he had felt his entire body awaken at the realization of her presence, but now his heart plummeted and his stomach twisted nervously.

Her eyes gave nothing away, clouded as they were by her mixed emotions
.“
If i
t’
s going to cost us our friendship, I think it should be
,
” she said quietly. She shrugged and glanced away, blinking furiously
.“I’
m not willing to lose what we have, regardless of what we think it could be.And I do
n’
t like how it feels to have you shut me out like that. W
e’
ve always been able to talk to each other. I do
n’
t want to lose that.
I’
d rather go back to what we were than lose what we were
.
”

Panic gripped Michael as he watched her face. He had only ever imagined her as a friend, but now he could
n’
t imagine going back. It made his chest ache to think of her with a spouse, with children. He could
n’
t imagine standing at her wedding, meeting her first child, shaking hands with her husband, attending her childre
n’
s birthday parties. He could
n’
t imagine being
Uncle Michael
to her kids, as he was already to Camero
n’
s son Logan. He did
n’
t even want to imagine watching her look lovingly into some other ma
n’
s eyes because
he
had failed to let her in. Stepping forward, he dropped her hands and took her face between his palms instead, tipping her head until she conceded to bring her eyes back to his
.“
We are not losing anything
,
” he whispered fiercely
.“
We do
n’
t have to lose anything, Renee
.
”

“
Maybe we already are
,
” she whispered back.

The sight of a sparkling film of moisture in her eyes shot a pain directly to Michae
l’
s chest, and he lowered his lips to her forehead
.“
W
e’
re not
.
” He was annoyed that she was willing to give up after one short moment of shock, annoyed that she would back away from him out o
f
– what, jealousy? Was it really as petty as that?
Or was it fear? Did she think he still wanted Nicolette?
“
Renee
,
” he tried, not sure he was taking the right path, but willing to try
,“
Do
n’
t do this. Look,
I’
m sorry for shutting you out
.
”

“
I do
n’t
– i
t’
s not that yo
u
…” she let her voice trail away, sighing heavily before trying again
.“
Michael, I jus
t
–“

“
Do
n’
t worry about it
,
” he said
.“
I know tha
t’
s what it is, though, right?That I felt like I could
n’
t talk about it with you
?
”

“
No. Yes. I do
n’
t know
,
” Renee said
.“
I
saw
yo
u
– I saw your face when you saw her. Nicolette. And
I
…” Her voice trailed away and she sighed, her fingertips fluttering nervously against his stomach
.“
Michael, I ca
n’
t compete with the past. And I do
n’
t want to
.
”