More Than Friends (Kingsley #4) (20 page)

It was several moments later when he came back to himself and regained the ability to string words together. Pushing himself up on his hands, he looked down at Renee and smiled
.“
Yo
u’
re okay
?
”

She looked up at him, one hand coming up to stroke his cheek
.“I’
m okay
,
” she answered. She wriggled slightly, adjusting her position in the bed, and Michael moved to the side to give her space.

“
Yo
u’
re not sorry
?
” He left her on her back and turned away to sit up on the edge of her bed, carefully removing and tying off the used condom.

Renee waited quietly until he had stretched out beside her again, her hand resting gently on his lower back, moving down his hip as he lay down. Turning to face him, she snuggled against his chest and sighed
.“
No,
I’
m not sorry at all, Michael. The whole time yo
u’
ve been here, you've asked me if
I’
m okay, if I wanted this. If I was ready, if I was sure. Why are you asking me if
I’
m sorry?
I’
m not sorry
.
”

Relief flooded through him and he settled a hand on her hip, pulling her closer. The words made him happy, but his fear was still there, a shadow at the edge of his joy. She could still change her mind, could still walk away from him; but she was his best friend and they shared almost everything with each other. He had to tell her
.“
I found a letter
,
” he said
.“
A few days ago. In my house
.
”

“
What kind of letter? From who
?
”

Her fingertips were stroking him all over, tiny pinpricks of deliciousness that moved absentmindedly from his collarbone to his stomach and back again. She looked into his eyes, the haze of pleasure fading from her face, the softness of contentment left behind. "It was from Nicolett
e
– I found it in the attic," Michael answered quietly. "In her room. She used to use it as sort of a studio or something. She liked to read up there, in the window seat
.
”

"Oh." Her hands stilled and her eyes narrowed slightly with curiosity as she watched his face. "What did she say? I mean, did she explain things? Why she was leaving?"

They slipped back into their friendship easily, almost as if they were in their usual spots in his living room and not curled up naked together for the first time in the middle of her bed. But they were naked together, and Michael stroked her hip absentmindedly as he relayedthe content of Nicolette's letter. She made small sounds of sympathy as he told her how relieved he had been to read it. ''Not that she said she was infertile," he explained, shivering as Renee's palm passed lightly over his nipple. "And definitely not that she thought it would matter to me, because it would
n’
t have. But becaus
e–
" He broke off with a nervous sigh. He sounded like a high school girl. But Renee had always understood him, and he needed to believe that she would understand him now, too. "I had thought we were happy, you know? I had thought she was happy
with me
. But then if she was, she wouldn't have left me, right?"

"I guess that's not how she saw it. If she left you out of lov
e
… even if it hurt you, I do
n’
t think tha
t’
s what she meant to do."

Michael watched their fingers weave together, felt himself hardening against her again, and smiled. "I guess not
,
” he said.

“
And I doubt she meant the letter to sit there so long unread
.
”

Michael laughed, dipping his face to kiss Rene
e’
s forehead
.“
No, I do
n’
t think she did either. But I could
n’
t go inthere for the longest time, and then when I could,
I’
d just open the door and stand there, and then shut the door again. I finally went in there to try and clean it out. I
t’
s the last of her in the house, s
o
…”

Looking up at him, she tilted her head, her hair rustling against the pillows, and Michael brought a hand up to cup her breast. It was strange, this unexpected intimate comfort between them; he had almost expected sex with her to be awkward, but it had
n’
t been. He felt like his hands were made to touch her, like her body was perfectly made to fit against his. No, it was anything
but
awkward, and if the warmth radiating from the apex of her thighs was any indication of her feelings, she felt the same. The hardened nipple jutting into his palm seemed to agree, too; he rubbed a thumb over it, listening to her quiet gasp of pleasure.

Her fingers were busy too, stroking slowly up and down his side. "Do you miss being married, Michael?"

Her eyelashes fluttered against his bare shoulder as she kissed her way along his collarbone, and Michael turned onto his back, slipping his arm around her to pull her against his chest. The silken feel of her hair spilling over his arm delighted him, and his heart leaped in his chest as Renee casually eased her knee between his. "To her
?
” he asked, turning his head to bury his nose in her hair. "Or in general?"

She shrugged, her cheek moving against his chest as she moved. Michael felt her stomach fill against his side as she took a deep breath, felt the rush of air against his skin as she exhaled. "Both?" She asked the question in a barely audible whisper, and Michael pulled away slightly in surprise at the hint of insecurity in her tone. He waited until she lifted her head to meet his gaze; she lifted an eyebrow curiously and shrugged again, lowering her head to kiss his chest. "You do
n’
t have to answer. I was just wondering."

"Liar." Michael laughed as Renee brought her hand up to slap his chest playfully. "Alright, alright. I'll go along with it. Do I miss being married to Nicolette? No. I loved her, but she left and ther
e’
s nothing I can do about that. But do I miss being married? Yeah, I do. Every damned day."

Satisfied, Renee rolled on top of him, stretching the length of her body out along his. Folding her arms, she stacked her hands on his chest and propped her chin on her hands, mimicking his earlier pose. "What do you miss most
?
” she asked. "About being married, I mean."

He looked down, meeting her eyes. She was all softness and subtle sensuality in the glow of the television, her body heat warming him as they lay together. "I miss knowing that when I came home, someone was waiting to see me. Having someone there, I guess
,
” he said. His throat had tightened; he cleared it and went on. "I miss the way it felt. To be married. It feels... different. Now, I mean. Wishing for something you do
n’
t have is
n’
t the same as knowing exactly what yo
u’
re missing." He sighed, unable to explain.

"No, I get it. Cass kind of said the same thing, actually," Renee murmured. She glanced over to the TV, still frozen in the middle of the movie she'd been watching when he arrived
.“
Do you think yo
u’
ll ever want to marry again?"

"I don't know," he answered, following her eyes. "Maybe I will, maybe not. I meant it when I married Nicolette; I meant every word with all my heart, Renee. We even wrote our own vows. But it's weird, you know? And I've been with other women since Nicolett
e–
" he tightened his arms around her waist to hold her as she stiffened
,
“– but sometimes I feel almost ... unfaithful to her."

"Even though she left?" Renee moved again, slightly, the motion bringing their hips more firmly together.

"Yeah, even though she left." Michael lifted one hand leaving the other resting in the center of her back as he scraped his palm down the rough stubble of his cheek, searching for the right words. "Maybe it would have been easier if she ha
d
– I don't know. It sounds awful but, if she had die
d
… it'd be a different kind of grief, maybe
.
” Shaking his head at the inadequacy of the words, he slipped his fingers into Rene
e’
s hair, gathering it into a loose ponytail at the nape of her neck. She waited patiently for him to go on, her eyes searching his face, and finally he said
,“
Tha
t’
s not really how I mean it, but I don't know how to describe it. It feels wrong to say something like that about her; obviously I do
n’
t want her to die, and I don't want to cheapen what it would feel like to lose someone that way. But I thought for a long time that maybe I don't have whatever it takes to get over it. And at least if she had died, I could have known she did
n’
t leave me by choice. I
t’
s a different sort of grief when yo
u’
ve bee
n
… discarded."

"Maybe you just needed more time to let it heal. People grieve in different ways, Michael." Her eyes widened with awareness as his hands slipped down and then back up her sides, allowing his thumbs to stroke the sides of her breasts. He moved his hips, thrusting a growing erection against her stomach, and she arched her eyebrows in question. "Even now?" she asked in surprise
.”
During this conversation?"

"There's a naked woman that I respect and care very much about, hot and ready right here in my arms," he said simply, smiling up at her. "One that also respects and obviously cares for
me
. And
I’
m a man, Renee. I missed
that
about marriage, too."

"I see," she said quietly, opening her thighs and dropping her knees to the bed on either side of his hips.

"Well, ther
e’
s nothing like that feeling," Michael breathed, closing his eyes against the wave of sensation as she sat up, still straddling his thighs. "We might be dogs most of the time, but even men appreciate what i
t’
s like to be with someone who just knows who they are."

Reaching over to pull another condom from the bedside drawer, Renee watched his face. "Everyone wants that, Michael."

Sucking in a breath as she rolled the condom down the rigid length of his erection, Michael took her hips in his hands and lifted her body. She anticipated his intentions and tightened her grip, guiding him home as Michael lowered her. "I have
n’
t had that in a long time," he hissed, thrusting upward, feeling her stretch around him as he filled her.

“
Maybe yo
u’
ve just been looking in the wrong place
,
” she answered, her body coming down to cover his.

The next two weeks went by in a blur of long conversations and the kind of sex Michael had
n’
t realized h
e’
d been craving until he had it with Renee. They talked through movies, through dinners, through sex. They spent evenings together after one or the other of them finished the workday, and Michael was surprised at how much he loved waking up tangled in her hair. It was almost too easy, how perfectly they fit together.

Tha
t’
s what he was thinking, walking through the mall with her hand in his, a smile on his face that he had
n’
t even realized was there until suddenly it was
n’
t. Renee felt him stiffen, her hand pulled back as he froze in place, and she turned to look up at him
.“
Michael? Michael, wha
t’
s wrong
?
” She squeezed his fingers, her eyebrows pulled together as she searched his face.

“
Nicolette
,
” he whispered, dragging his eyes away from the unmistakably pregnant silhouette of his ex-wife. She had just stepped out of the maternity shop three doors down, a short dress swirling around her knees, blonde hair spilling down her back. A small blond boy held her hand, and Michael wanted nothing more than to turn and run. He could feel Renee watching him, knew that she was curious and worried, knew that he should explain, but he could
n’
t. Every word he wanted to say was a lump in his throat, every possible feeling swirling through him at once. His heart had leapt with joy at the sight of her, forgetting for just a second that she was no longer his wife; his stomach had remembered though, and had twisted in shock in his belly as he took in the giant curve of the unborn child inside her
.“
Tha
t’
s Nicolette
,
” he whispered again.

Renee dropped his hand and slipped her arm around his back, steering him to the edge of the hallway
.“
Are you sure? I thought you said she told you that she could
n’t
–“

“
She did tell me that she could
n’
t
,
” he answered. His voice did
n’
t sound like his voice anymore, it was stiff and low, hoarse with shock
.“
I guess maybe she was
n’
t completely honest
.
”

She looked up then, and their eyes met across the hallway as she led the little boy who looked alarmingly like her to the carousel just outside the maternity shop. Unable to look away, he simplywatched helplessly as she changed course, the spark of happiness fading from her eyes as she approached him
.“
Hello, Michael
,
” she said.

Beside her, the little boy looked up, bits of blond hair falling into his eyes as he tipped a toddler-large head back on his skinny neck
.“
Wh
o‘
dis, Mommy? H
e’
s
big
, just like my grandpa
!
”

Nicolette looked down at her son, looked back at Michael, and then dropped to one knee beside the boy. A silver ring with a small pink stone sparkled on her right ring finger as she opened her purse and took out a quarter, folding his little fingers around it before he could drop it
.“
You know how to work the carousel, right, baby
?
” At his nod, she took him by the shoulders and turned him, giving him a little swat on the bottom to get him moving
.“
Go on then, and you can ride while I talk to my friend. And then w
e’
ll get lunch, alright
?
” Distracted, the boy took his quarter and ran to the carousel, feeding the coin into the slot and quickly climbing onto a carnival-painted seahorse. Nicolette smiled encouragingly as the boy fastened the safety buckle around his waist, and then she sighed and turned back to Michael.

He felt Rene
e’
s hand squeezing lightly at the back of his shirt, whether in worry, anger, or support, he could
n’
t tell. Either way, he tightened his arm around her shoulders, too, glad to have her there with him
.“
I guess congratulations are in order
,
” he said.

She looked down, one hand gliding smoothly over the curve of her belly, and Michael watched in amazement as the roundness seemed to ripple and then grow still again
.“
Yes
,
” she answered smiling softly
.“
I guess they are
.
”

“
You know
,
” he said, angry at her easy attitude
.“
I just found your letter a few weeks ago. The one you left in the attic
.
”

“
Oh
.
” Her mouth was a perfect circle of surprise, slicked over with peach lipstick. She lowered her face, pursing her lips briefly as she gathered her thoughts
.“
The one where I told you abou
t
–“

“
Yeah. Clearly, what you said in that letter was
n’
t entirely true, Nic
.
” Renee squeezed his shirt again, tugging in warning, and Michael took a deep breath to calm himself. He could
n’
t seem to stop looking from her to her son, over and over again. The boy could walk well, run easily, talk almost clearly. How old was he? Two? Three? He could
n’
t be older than tha
t
… could he possibly b
e
… Michae
l’
s?

“
No, I guess it was
n’
t
,
” Nicolette said
.“
I mean, it was, bu
t
…” She sighed, following his eyes to her son, still safely buckled onto the carousel seahorse
.“
Look, Michael, it was true. I could
n’
t give you the family you wanted, s
o
… I did
n’
t want to be the reason you did
n’
t ... u
m
…” She seemed to have chosen that moment to truly notice Renee at Michae
l’
s side, and her voice trailed away. Closing her eyes, she sighed again, and Michael wanted to reach out when he saw her straighten her shoulders. When she looked up at him again, her eyes sparkled with a film of tears
.“
My son is adopted
,
” she explained
.“
And this
?
” She stroked her hands over her belly again
.“
This i
s
… sort of a miracle. Michael, I was told this could never happen for m
e
… and I wanted you to be able to move on.
I’
m glad you did
.
”

“
Yeah
,
” he answered dryly
.“
Me, too. You know, you could have told me, Nic
.
”

“
I know
,
” she said sadly
.“
I know it now, and I knew it back then. But I did
n’
t want to spend the rest of my life with you looking at m
e
… like yo
u’
re looking at me
.
” She turned as the carousel music stopped, watching her son climb down and then bending to catch him as he ran back to her
.“
That was fun, right
?
”

“
Yeah
!
”

“
Wanna do it again
?
” She was already digging in her purse again, and she folded another quarter into the bo
y’
s palm
.“
Go on, one more time
,
” she said, and then he was gone
.“
I just could
n’
tdo it, Michael.
I’
m glad you were able to move on
.
”

“
Obviously you moved on pretty easily. And pretty quickly
,
” he said, not caring when he felt Renee stiffen at his side
.“
Your son is what, three
?
”

“
H
e’
s five
,
” Nicolette said quietly
.“
But I did say he was adopte
d
– h
e’
s my siste
r’
s son. She, u
m
– she died two years ago, an
d
–“

“
You took him in
,
” Michael said nodding.

“
Yeah. I look after him, take care of him. Remind him of what she was like. Show him pictures
.
”

“
Sounds like the kind of thing you would do.
I’
m sorry about your sister though, Nic. I am
.
”

She smiled sadly, watching the little boy. He had given the seahorse to another child this time, and had chosen a peacock instead
.“
Yeah. Well. Maybe I should have had more faith, you know
?
”

Ignoring the question, Michael gestured to the round belly standing so obviously between them
.“
And this one
?
” he asked.

She dropped her eyes and adjusted her purse strap more solidly on her shoulder
.“
Well
,
” she said quietly
.“
This on
e’s
… I do
n’
t know
.
”

Michael stepped back in shock; she looked up with shame in her eyes, and sadness, and Michael wanted nothing more than to reach out pull her close; he wanted to reassure her, to take care of her. To rescue her, maybe. Still the irony left a bitter taste in his mout
h
– she had left him because she thought she could
n’
t have children,because she had
n’
t been willing to share her grief with him. And she had ended up as an apparentlysingle mother, solely responsible not only for her own situation, but those of her children. He pitied her circumstances, his heart twisting at the sadness in her eyes. But she had left him, and there was no going back. He would never trust her again, and he felt now that she had never trusted him at all; so he did the next best thing, he touched her arm softly in encouragement and offered her a smile
.“
You look alright though
,
” he said
.“
Strong, healthy. Are you doing okay, Nic
?
”

She nodded, her mouth twisting bitterly
.“
Yeah, Michael
,
” she said
.“I’
m good. As good as
I’
m going to get, anyway. Look, I have to go. We have an appointment after lunch, s
o
…” She looked to Renee again, holding out her hand
.“I’
m sorry to have interrupted your time together
.
”

Renee tipped her head, taking Nicolett
e’
s hand
.“
Not at all
,
” she said
.“I’
m Renee
.
”

The women looked each other over, silently exchanging looks that Michael did
n’
t understand. Renee relaxed at his side though, nodding slowly, and once Nicolette had gone to collect her son from the carousel, she took his hand again
.“
Are you okay
?
”