More Than I Can Bear (17 page)

Paige looked from one to the next and then finally said, “We're having a baby . . . again.”

Paige sat out on the back patio reading while ten-month-old Adele played in her playpen. It was Sunday afternoon and Mr. Vanderdale and Samantha were off riding horses. Mrs. Vanderdale was just returning home after having gone out to lunch with Pastor Margie after church.

“So here you two are,” Naomi said, walking out on the patio. “Where's everybody else at? Riding?”

“You know it,” Paige answered. “Everybody's doing their same ol' thing. Including me.” Paige lifted her book, which had been resting on her seven-months-pregnant belly, and then dropped it to her knees. “I think I made a mistake in deciding not to go back to work. I don't know what to do with myself these days. I mean, I've read more books in the last few months than I did in college.” She looked over at Adele. “I mean, Adele keeps me busy and I love being a stay-at-home mom. It's just that during down time, I can't help but think about . . .” Her eyes saddened.

“I know, I know.” Naomi walked over and sat next to Paige on the swinging bench. She patted Paige's knee. “I miss him too. But look at what God has done for us.” She touched Paige's stomach. “We have an extension of Norman growing inside of you. Pretty soon we'll be looking into Norman's eyes. Do you know what a gift that is? Do you know how much God must love us to do something like that for us? No, this baby is not Norman and could never replace Norman, but that huge void we have in our lives due to his absence, something tells me it's going to be filled to some degree.”

“I never really thought about it like that,” Paige said.

“That's what you have me here for,” Naomi said. “To remind you how good He is. Even when everything looks bad, there is something good within it.” Naomi paused before continuing. “I thought I wasn't going to make it when I lost Norman. I felt like death myself. I honestly didn't know how I would make it after that funeral, but with you staying here that night . . .” She shook her head. “Then you decided you and Adele would move in. Then I go to church with you and now . . .” She looked at Paige's growing belly. “He's just so faithful. All I can do is lift my hands in praise.”

As Paige sat there and watched Naomi lift her hands, close her eyes, and let tears fall down her cheeks, she was reminded, yet again, of the goodness of the Lord. That darn God just would not let her break up with Him. Paige found herself doing the exact same thing as the older woman who sat next to her. Before Paige knew it, Naomi began praying aloud.

“Father God, I thank you for who you are in my life. I thank you for my life and for all those you have brought into my life, and yes, Lord for all those you have taken. For, Lord, you are the author of my life and I trust the story in which you have penned for me. When the load was getting heavy in life, thank you for always being there to someway, somehow, make the load seem lighter. Father God, I thank you for my grandbaby who's here and my grandbaby that's on the way. But Lord, I thank you most for putting Paige into my life. Whatever circumstances you had to stir up in order for the story to read as planned, I thank you.”

It was then when Paige's mind wandered from Naomi's continued prayer to the words she'd just spoken.
“Lord, I thank you most for putting Paige into my life. Whatever circumstances you had to stir up in order for the story to read as planned
. . .
”
That's when it hit Paige. Everything that had happened in her life was all part of God's plan. It was exactly how the story was supposed to be written. What Paige saw as a setback had really been a setup by God. Adele was what had connected her and Norman as husband and wife. Adele was a product of rape. So was Paige to think that she had to endure and suffer all that she had in order for destiny to be fulfilled? As faith filled as she tried to be, that was just a little difficult for her to accept. But if she was to believe that Jesus endured all He had in order for destiny to be fulfilled, how could she not believe that about herself? And she hadn't gone through a quarter of what Jesus had.

“In Jesus' name, amen and amen,” Naomi said upon completing her prayer. She then looked over at Paige, who she found just staring at her. Paige wasn't saying a word, just staring at her with a smile on her face. “What is it, dear?”

“God just never ceases to amaze me is all,” Paige said. “Or should I say the God in you?”

“He is amazing, and if you can see Him in me, then that must mean I'm doing something right.”

“Well then you must be, 'cause I see His light shining all over you.” Paige waved her hands as if tracing Naomi's silhouette.

“Stop it.” Naomi shooed her hand and stood. “You acting like I'm the one who led you to Christ. I would have never walked down to that altar a few months ago and got saved and joined New Day if it weren't for you.”

“Yeah, well getting saved is one thing. Trying to stay saved is a whole other ballgame. I guess you could say you help keep me saved. And you know what, Naomi?”

“What is it, Paige?” Naomi said, walking over to Adele's playpen and smiling down at the child playing.

“I would do everything all over again, mistakes and all, if it meant having the opportunity to have you in my life.”

“Paige, dear, how sweet,” Naomi said, looking back at Paige heartfelt. “That means a lot, knowing what all you have been through. I'm just glad you were able to give your life to Christ so that He could get you through it.”

“Amen. To God be the glory, Naomi.”

“To God be the glory.”

 

 

“Her heartbeat is fine. She seems to be growing well,” the doctor told Paige. “Looks to me like you have a nice healthy baby girl who in less than a couple of months will be welcomed into this world.”

“I could have told you she was growing,” Paige said as she sat up on the examination table. “I've gained five pounds since my last visit.”

“Well, I don't know if that's the baby growing or you.” The doctor shot Paige the eye. “I'm going to need you to slow down on the sweets. If you feel like a snack, try popcorn or fruit or something.”

“Blah blah blah, Doc,” Paige said jokingly. “It's easier said than done. Besides, I'm only seven and a half months pregnant. Let me enjoy these last few weeks. This is the only time when indulging in ice cream and Little Debbie snack cakes don't make me feel guilty. Let me enjoy the moment.”

“Yeah, well you won't be saying that when the baby is no longer the cause for the numbers on the scale.”

“Oh, you sure do know how to take the fun out of this whole pregnancy thing,” Paige teased again. “But I know I have to make healthier choices. I'll try. I'm not promising you anything, but I'll try.”

“Good. Do you have any more questions?” Paige's doctor asked her as she prepared to leave the room.

“Not really concerning the pregnancy.” Paige hesitated.

“Oh, then concerning what?” the doctor asked with concern.

“I've taken a couple HIV tests now: the one when I first found out I'd been in contact with someone who tested positive, and when I went through the series of testing with this pregnancy. They both came back negative. I had my other daughter tested as well and her test came back good. Am I in the clear?”

“I'd say you were in the clear as far as testing for contact with your . . . ex-husband was it?”

Paige nodded.

“Then I'd definitely say you haven't been infected by him.”

Paige exhaled. “Thank you, Doc. But I'm still thinking about taking just one more for good measure in the future.”

“No problem.” Her doctor smiled before opening the examining room door. “Just let me know and I can set something up for you.”

“Oh, Doc, one last thing.”

“Yes?”

Paige rubbed her belly. “She'll be tested too, at birth, right?”

The doctor smiled and nodded. “We can definitely do that.”

“Thanks, Doc.”

“Anytime. You can schedule your next appointment on the way out. And lay off the sweets,” she threw over her shoulder before leaving the room.

“I hear ya, Doc,” Paige called out as she gathered her things.

She was as happy as could be. She learned she was having a baby girl during her fifth-month ultrasound. She was glad she'd taken Miss Nettie's advice and not donated Adele's baby items. Naomi wanted to give Paige a baby shower. Paige discerned that she only wanted to do so in order to make up for missing her last showers. But Paige told her it wasn't proper etiquette to have a baby shower for every single child a woman has unless there was a huge gap in time of pregnancies. That wasn't the case for Paige. Not only did it seem like she'd just had a baby shower yesterday, but she was having the same sex, so she could pretty much reuse everything she'd received for Adele, which was all in great condition. She didn't need anything new . . . except for one thing.

“I've got to find me a place for me and my girls,” Paige said to Miss Nettie as they stood in the kitchen after Paige had returned from her doctor's appointment. “I can't stay here forever. I mean, Norman's gone. I know they are the girls' grandparents, but are they technically still my in-laws?”

“Technically, legally, and all that other stuff don't matter,” Miss Nettie said as she prepared lunch. “It's what's in your heart.”

Paige nodded in agreement.

“So what's your heart say?”

“Honestly, Naomi is more than like a mother-in-law. She's even more than just a mother. And don't get me wrong. I love my mother more than anything in the world, my father too, because God knows I'm a daddy's girl, but Naomi is like all of that rolled into one and the icing on top is the fact that she's my friend. She's my children's grandmother. She's genuine. I just never imagined in a million years, let alone one, I'd ever be saying this about the woman I met in this here house last year. I love her . . . maybe too much, so much so that I'm depending on her for my own happiness. I can be having the worst day ever where I feel like life is too much, but then here she comes along with that amazing spirit of hers and the Jesus in her makes me feel like going on.”

“Then maybe it is time for you to go,” Miss Nettie said.

Her comment caught Paige off-guard. She was expecting for Miss Nettie to at least try to talk her out of it if just until after the baby was born, not dang near be ready to help her pack. “Well, geesh, I know who won't miss me when I'm gone.” Paige rolled her eyes.

“I'm just sitting here listening to you talk and sounds to me like you're giving Mrs. Vanderdale more credit than you're giving the Lord.”

Paige was offended. “I'm absolutely not! I know better than to put anybody before God.”

“We all know better, but that doesn't mean sometimes we don't do it without realizing it.”

Paige looked as if there was never a time in which she'd voiced more glory to man than God. Had she?

“Why does it take your mother-in-law entering the room to remind you of how good God is, what He's done for you, and what He's brought you through? Now I know sometimes we need encouragement and God will use man to encourage us, but my God, child, sometimes you've got to encourage yourself!” Miss Nettie declared. “Like my pastor says, it shouldn't always take a song or someone exalting to get you to realize how blessed you are and to just thank Him. To Honor Him. To acknowledge Him. To remember Him.”

“That wasn't what I was saying,” Paige said.

“It's exactly what you said. My body might be in its sixties, but my hearing is twenty-five. My eyes, too, for that matter. I see how you are whenever you're with Mrs. Vanderdale; you like a bee and she's honey. It's like you're more dependent on what she has to say about God than God Himself.”

“That is not true and I will not stand here and listen to this craziness of yours any longer.”

“Good,” Miss Nettie said, walking over to Paige and pushing her down in a chair. “You can sit there and listen then since ya don't feel like standing.” Miss Nettie rolled her eyes, and went back to preparing lunch and fussing at Paige at the same time. “You like some young girl in love; heck, from what I see on television, some of the older ones, too. Y'all always expect somebody else to come along and give you the fairytale or dream that you've pictured or created in your mind. Always looking for someone else to create, give, or be the source of your happiness. Build it yourself. Create it yourself. With God all things are possible. You don't have to sit and wait around for someone else to make you happy, to believe in yourself, to think you're beautiful. Make the choice on your own. Bunch of lazy folks is what I say. When you get to the point where you can't even create your own happiness, that is lazy to the tenth power.”

If Paige wasn't mistaken, it sounded like Miss Nettie had slammed a plate down on the counter.

“God is a jealous God and you know it. You keep giving Mrs. Vanderdale all that credit and see what happens. You walking a fine line in admiring the God in Mrs. Vanderdale. She's not your crutch. Yes, I do believe God placed her in your life and you in hers for a reason, but when you get to the point to where you can barely walk your walk without someone pushing you along, then you need to separate yourself. Perhaps your spirit needs to be rehabilitated, learn how to walk again on its own.”

“Naomi is the grandmother of my children. I'm not going to separate myself from her. That would not be fair.”

“Stop being all literal. Child, you know what I mean. Put away childish things. You's a grown woman now. Time to leave the nest and trust God. I mean, what do you expect anyway? To never find a man again? To never find a daddy for those children? You plan on doing that sitting up under your deceased husband's mama?”