More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (18 page)

Direct listening starts from the premise that if your partner wants something, she will ask for it. You need to resist the impulse to infer a judgment, desire or need that's not explicitly stated. You assume that if your partner does not bring up an issue, she has no issue, and is not just being polite. Conversely, if she brings up an issue, she's not doing it to be confrontational or impolite, but to discuss it. You do not look for veiled intent, particularly veiled criticism, especially when talking about emotional or contentious matters.

Because direct communication is an indispensable skill in poly relationships, we return to it in more depth later in this chapter.

Nonviolent communication.
Often called NVC, nonviolent communication involves separating observation from evaluation and judgment, and separating feelings and needs from strategies and actions. The speaker puts aside her assumptions about another's motivations and examines her own emotional responses. This is demanding cognitive work. It's surprisingly hard to do well, but when done right, it is an incredibly powerful tool for connection and conflict resolution. NVC is taught as a four-step process: observation, feeling, need, request.

The
observation
must be made without judgment or assumptions, stating only what a camera would capture. For instance, you say, "When I saw you come into the room and sit across from me at the table…," not "When you came into the room, you wouldn't sit next to me…"

The
feeling
must focus on what
you
felt, for example, "I felt lonely," or "I felt afraid," not on what you think the other felt or intended, such as "I felt that you were rejecting me."

The
need
also must focus on you, not the other person. You might say, "I need to feel supported when I'm in a group of people I don't know," not "I need you to sit next to me."

The
request
is usually a request for communication: "Will you talk to me about how you can help me feel supported when we go to events together?"

Nonviolent communication is, sadly, often abused. It can paradoxically become a weapon if your motivation is to change another person rather than connect with them. If you want to explore nonviolent communication, we strongly recommend that you take the time to learn it well. Start by picking up Marshall Rosenberg's book
Nonviolent Communication
, and consider enrolling in a workshop (available in many cities).

THE WORLD THROUGH OUR OWN LENSES

Communication extends beyond words. Even when everyone agrees on the meanings of words, things can go wrong when we have different conceptual frameworks—different ideas about the way the world works. After all, we see the world through the lens of our own experiences and ideologies. When we communicate, we filter the things another person says through these frameworks. If someone holds what to us seems an alien idea or a worldview we don't understand, or speaks from experiences very different from ours, communication can be lost. This happened to Franklin at a jealousy workshop:

FRANKLIN: Jealousy is an internal emotional state. A person who says "I am jealous" is making a statement about an internal feeling. You can't necessarily draw any conclusions about that person's circumstance just from that statement.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hogwash! Jealousy is not always caused by internal feelings. A person might feel jealous because of something somebody did. You're just trying to dodge responsibility for your actions, that's all.

FRANKLIN: The idea that jealousy is an internal emotion doesn't say anything about the causes of the jealousy.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes, it does! You're just repeating that tired old line that jealousy is all in someone's head and that person needs to just get over it already.

We can't help but see the world through our own lenses, and it's not always obvious where our perceptions of the world diverge from other people's. A big part of being able to communicate with someone who seems to hold a different worldview, or who has different experiences, is to listen and ask clarifying questions. It's tempting to impose our own understanding on other people—"You're just saying jealousy is all in my head!"—and if we don't pay attention, we can end up doing this without even being aware of it. Effective communication succeeds more often when we ask questions than when we tell other people what they're saying (or, God help us, tell them what they're thinking or feeling). In practice: "It sounds to me like you're saying I have to get over jealousy by myself, is that really what you're saying?"

TECHNIQUES FOR DIRECT COMMUNICATION

There's a way through the distortions of our own personal lens: direct communication. This skill does not come naturally to many, but it's one everyone can learn—and one that every polyamorous person
must
learn if they want to communicate effectively within their romantic networks.

Many excellent resources exist for learning direct communication. Many universities and continuing studies departments offer workshops in direct communication (sometimes called "assertiveness training"). The books by Harriet Lerner listed in the resources section offer good strategies for direct but compassionate communication. We urge you to explore this topic more if it is new to you, but we will touch briefly here on what direct communication is and why it's so important for poly relationships.

The single most effective way to start communicating directly is to use declarative statements rather than leading questions. For example, say "I would like to go out tonight" rather than "Would you like to go out tonight?" Statements that begin with "I want," "I feel" and "I need" are all markers of direct communication. They do not require a decoder ring to interpret correctly.

Plain language is another hallmark of direct communication. Make statements in active rather than passive voice ("I broke the vase," rather than "The vase got broken by my broom handle"). Use simple declarations rather than complex sentences ("I need you to take out the garbage," rather than "Taking care of this problem with the garbage was supposed to be your responsibility").

Use specific, concrete examples to illustrate what you're saying. Instead of saying, "You don't pay attention to my needs," list examples of times when you feel your needs weren't met. Take responsibility for your desires, thoughts and feelings. If you're asked to do something you'd rather not do, don't make excuses for not doing it. Rather, take ownership of it: "I don't want to do that." Try not to place responsibility for your feelings on your partner. Instead of saying, "You make me so angry," say "I feel angry." Give your partner the space to talk about her feelings as well.

Avoid hyperbole ("You always leave your socks on the coffee table," "You never close the garage door") and inferences of motivation ("You're only doing that because you want to get rid of me," "You clearly don't respect me").

Direct communication and active listening are complementary. Active listening means
paying attention
to what your partner is saying, rather than thinking of ways to refute what they're saying or interrupting. Direct communication is
saying clearly
what you want attention paid to.

There is one other element of direct communication: the ability to say yes and especially no without reservation. We've mentioned this before, but it's worth repeating: The ability to say no is vital to consent. Without the ability to say no, a relationship becomes coercive.

But there is another advantage to being able to say no. When you are accustomed to using passive communication, or unable to set boundaries, or when you feel you don't have the ability to say no to something, then it's very hard for your partners to have confidence in your yes. If you say yes to everything, then your yes might or might not be sincere, and your partner ends up trying to read tea leaves to figure out if you mean it or not. If you don't want to do something, you may become resentful when you do it, even if you said yes to it. Conversely, when you are able to say no and your partner knows it, he knows your yes is genuine.

ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED

Asking for what we need is hard. And it's hard to learn to make requests in ways that are really requests, rather than demands, and are heard as such. But being able to ask for what you need, and in fact being
good
at asking, is pretty key to poly relationships—or any relationships.

For one thing, there's the obvious (yet somehow commonly overlooked) fact that if you ask for what you need, you are more likely to get it.

And then there's the fact that people who are getting their needs met will tend to be happier, and thus better (and less needy!) partners. We sometimes think we're being too needy when we ask for things…but when our needs are not being met, they tend to feel bottomless to us, and therefore to the people around us.

The simple act of formulating the request and deciding whom to ask, and how, forces you to get clear on what exactly you need—what's at the bottom of the emotions you're experiencing—and from whom, and why. But perhaps most importantly: Consistently asking for what you need means people can trust you to ask. They don't have to be second-guessing themselves, reading between the lines or worrying about you. They can simply enjoy being with you and discovering you and trust that they will know when you need something, because you will tell them. When you ask for what you need, you give a gift to the people you love.

Few of us are taught how to ask for what we need. Often we're socialized not to ask for things, because we're told that advocating for our needs is selfish. Sometimes we minimize them to conform to what we think is available. If we really want three cookies, we may think,
Well, three is a lot, and other people might want cookies too…I better ask for only one.
Then when someone else comes along and asks for three, we end up thinking,
Wait a minute! How come he's getting so many cookies and I'm not?

Asking for what we need, rather than what we think might be available, is kind to our partners, because it communicates what we want authentically—as long as we are ready to hear a no. Asking for what we want isn't the same thing as "pressuring" someone, as long as the other person can say no and we can accept it. Some techniques that can help in asking for what you need:

• Ask for things in terms of "I need thus-and-such" rather than "I need more than any of your other partners get." When you state your needs as they stand, and not with respect to what you believe other people want or have, your partners will find it easier to meet them.
  
• Leave room for your partner to choose how to meet your needs. "I need to feel supported by you" is nicely open-ended; you can give examples of times when you have been supported, or things that help you feel that way, and then let your partner choose how to do that. "I need you to do things with me you will never do with anyone else" restricts your partner's options for responding.
  
• Remember that a need is not the same as a feeling. "I need to know you'll spend time to help me feel valued when I feel threatened" (direct communication of a need) is different from "I need to not feel threatened, so I need you to never date someone who makes me feel that way" (coercive communication).
  
• Be okay if the answer to your request is no. The difference between asking and demanding is what happens if the answer is no. If you're not okay with hearing a no, then you are demanding.
  
• Point out to your partners when your needs are being met, just as you tell them when they aren't. When your partners know they're doing right, this reinforces the right thing. It's better still when you can provide examples of how your partners are meeting your needs. This is also an important part of practicing gratitude, discussed in chapter 4.
  

If you've been socialized to not ask for your needs to be met, what tools can you use to learn how to ask?

• Practice communicating directly. When you ask for something, make sure you're actually asking! There is a difference between "I want to go to bed now," "Do you want to go to bed now?" "Are you coming to bed?" "I would like you to come to bed now" and "I would like your attention now." Be precise. Communicating directly may feel awkward at first, and you might not be good at it. That's okay. These are skills, and skills take practice.
  
• Talk about what you actually want, not what you think you
  should
  want or what you think might be available.
  
• Check your assumptions. If you think you hear implied criticism that was not stated directly, ask if that was what was intended. If not, you may be using passive communication. This is especially true when someone says something like "I don't want that" or "I don't need that." A person habituated to passive communication may hear "and therefore you shouldn't want or need that either," when the person was actually just talking about herself.
  
• Assume good intent. Your partners are with you because they love you and want to be with you. Even when problems arise, needs aren't being met or communication goes awry, this is still true. If you start with the assumption that your partners are acting out of malice, communication is never going to recover.
  
• When a partner has done the work of asking clearly for what she needs, take it seriously. Even small requests can be very hard to make, and they can lie at the tip of some very big emotions. If you can't meet the request, at least acknowledge it by saying no, and preferably explain why. If you can't do what your partner is asking, inquire about the underlying need; is there another way of meeting it? "No, I can't be with you next Thursday, but is there another time when I can help support you?" is better than just no.
  

TALK ABOUT THE REASONS

As scary as it can be to advocate for our needs, it can be even scarier to talk about
why
we want or need the things we want or need. Talking about the reasons leaves us naked; it opens us up to having our reasons, or even our motives, questioned. It also requires that we look inside ourselves and think about why we want what we want.