More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (65 page)

One kittycat lesson we have both seen many times involves strategies for finding new partners. People who feel threatened by polyamory often try to manage risk by placing rigid limitations on new partners. Yet people with experience in poly often avoid restrictive relationships. So the people who get into such relationships tend to have little poly experience and few skills. When problems happen and the relationships end, the people who placed the restrictions may decide they were not restrictive
enough,
and then try to limit new partners even more. So, in a variant of the cascading self-fulfilling prophesy of doom, people with poly experience avoid them even more, which increases the likelihood they will only find partners with limited poly experience, which increases the odds of trouble.

If you require your relationships to take a specific shape, finding someone who will fit that exact shape is especially difficult, as described in chapter 17. Looking instead for good
people,
not for good role-fillers, leaves you open to connection even if it takes a form you didn't expect. If you truly are open to only one specific form of poly relationship, then it's helpful to think in terms of
what you're offering
and
what you expect.
The more you expect, the more valuable your offer had better be. Would
you
take it, if someone like you offered it to you right now?

SIGNING ON TO THE RULES

Consent to a relationship must be informed. It's difficult, when the butterflies are fluttering in your tummy, to make a level-headed analysis of the relationship opportunity in front of you. It can be difficult, if your new partner has butterflies fluttering in
his
tummy, for him to be completely honest with you about things that might put you off—problems in his other relationship that might spill into yours, say, or constraints you might not appreciate.

Any time you start a relationship with a person who is already partnered, there will probably be responsibilities, expectations and commitments already in play. Learn them. Don't go into a relationship blind.

Talk directly to your partner about what effects her other relationships may have on you. What time constraints will affect you? Is your partner out or closeted? Will you be allowed to talk about your relationships? Will you be expected to act as a secondary partner? Are there veto arrangements? What expectations, if any, will there be with respect to your metamours? Will you be allowed (or expected) to meet them? Will your new partner expect to have input into—or veto over—other relationships you might want to start in the future? Are there any other stipulations you'll be subject to?

Franklin prefers to start new relationships only with people who have at least one and preferably two other relationships already. A great way to see what might be in store is to watch how your new partner interacts with his existing partners. What do those relationships look like? What expectations does your new partner have of them? What limitations does he place on those relationships? Every relationship is unique, of course, but patterns can still be revealing. If your partner is kind, compassionate and considerate in his other relationships, he will probably be kind, compassionate and considerate with you. If he seems controlling or demanding of other partners, you can expect the same.

As difficult as it is to consider these things in the giddy rush of a new relationship, it's better to find things out at the start, rather than after you've become more deeply invested emotionally.

A CAUTIONARY NOTE ON COUPLE-CENTRISM

When two people have only each other as partners, they naturally fall into a pattern of sharing everything, committing all time and resources to the relationship. So when one decides to open her heart and life to a new person, the other often feels that she is losing something—time, focus, energy—and often she is.

Imagine you have planted an oak tree in your garden and tended exclusively to that tree for many years. The tree grows big and strong, forming a beautiful canopy that expands over the entire garden, shading everything beneath it. You love that tree and the shade it gives and have spent many long summer days beneath it, looking up into its branches.

Then one day you find a tiny plant. It intrigues you. You don't know what it's going to grow into, but you want to find out. You want to plant it in your garden…but you don't have any sunny spot left. Your beloved oak tree is shading everything. You don't want to harm your oak tree, so you just plant the new thing in a shady spot, thinking,
Maybe it will be something, a nice fern perhaps, that likes the shade.
Sometimes that's what happens. The relationship that gets planted beneath the old relationship naturally thrives in the shade. But when that happens, it's sheer luck.

Most romantic relationships do not naturally stay small and inconspicuous. Eventually, there will be a conflict: either the new relationship will wither, or the older relationship must be trimmed a bit to allow sunlight for the new one to grow. Many couples go through this process, and many survive it with healthier relationships as a result. But it can be painful, particularly for the partner being "pruned." Often the new partner ends up taking the brunt of the conflict, shouldering shame and blame as the interloper, the "other." For this reason, many experienced poly people approach people in long-term couples with caution.

Many closely coupled people are indeed available for deep intimacy with others, maintain autonomy over their relationship decisions, and gracefully make room in their lives to honor both their existing commitments and new ones. How do you identify such people? If you're the newcomer, take some time to get to know the couple and observe whether they have strong, independent identities apart from each other or appear completely enmeshed. Here are some signs to look for:

• Do they always appear at events together, or do they sometimes attend separately?
  
• If one is invited, do both always attend?
  
• When they are at events together, do they mingle separately or are they always side by side?
  
• Do all their pictures on social media show them together, or do they appear with a variety of friends and family members?
  
• Do they have separate close friendships, or are all their friends shared?
  
• If they are closeted about polyamory, are they closeted because of genuine risk one of them faces (for instance, a custody dispute or a teaching job) or because they do not want to lose the status and privileges afforded to a couple?
  
• Can they schedule their own time, or do they always need to check with each other first?
  

The poly community is, unfortunately, filled with people who have been terribly hurt by well-meaning but inexperienced couples. As Eve's girlfriend, Paloma, has said, "I'm not critical of couples, I'm critical of bad behavior"—and people often use being part of a couple as an excuse for bad behavior. As we've discussed, be especially careful about becoming involved with a member of a couple who doesn't give you a voice in what your relationship will look like. That can lead to all sorts of mischief. A common scenario is that when the couple's relationship changes—which it almost certainly will—you may find yourself unceremoniously dumped…often with a heaping helping of blame for whatever changes happened in the couple's relationship.

We shouldn't need to say this, but you don't have to go into a relationship as a secondary partner if you don't want to. And if you do, you do not have to simply accept what's offered. You can still advocate for your needs, both at the beginning and later on as things move along.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

When you're interested in a new person, considering these questions may help you decide whether they are a good choice for you as a partner:

• Am I excited by the prospect of being with this person? Is he a "Fuck yes!"?
  
• Does this person have relationship values similar to mine?
  
• Do I understand and agree to any rules that will apply to my relationship?
  
• Am I being asked to give up anything to be in this relationship? If so, do I feel that what I will get in return is worth the price?
  
• Is this person available to give me what I think I want in the relationship—in terms of time, emotional intimacy, and freedom for the relationship to grow?
  
• Is there anything about this person I'm hoping will change?
  
• Does this person help me be the best version of myself?
  

Asking the following questions of a potential partner can help you figure out whether your values and approaches will mesh well in a relationship:

• How do you feel about polyamory? Do you have experience with poly relationships, and what does that look like for you?
  
• What are your goals in a poly relationship?
  
• What restrictions, if any, do you (or your partners) put on other partners?
  
• Will I be expected to have a particular kind of relationship with your other partners?
  
• What does polyamory mean to you?
  
• Do you have any expectations about the role I will be expected to play in your life?
  

25

THE REST OF THE WORLD

Our stories may be singular, but our destination is shared.

BARACK
OBAMA

When Franklin first began to live non-monogamously, there was no such thing as a "poly community." Since then the landscape has changed radically. Organized poly groups are still relatively young: only a handful predate the 1990s, and most started after the turn of the century. They have proliferated in recent years, in part because community is such an essential part of healthy poly relationships. By the time Eve and Peter opened up, they were able to find poly groups and other poly people, though they had to move to a big city to do so. Nowadays, poly discussion, support and social groups exist all over North America and western Europe and are beginning to pop up elsewhere. Nearly every city in the United States has at least one. The Internet is filled with them; it's hard to find social media sites without large, active poly forums. Poly-related dating sites are appearing so quickly it's hard to keep track of them.

Having a social network that understands who we are is important on a number of levels. Simply knowing that we are not alone, that there are others like us, is tremendously empowering. Franklin receives many emails from people expressing how validating it is just to know they aren't alone in wanting a life of happy multiple relationships. A support network also helps provide reality checks. No one can do this alone. When we can talk to other people about the problems we're having, hear their stories and gain their insights, it equips and empowers us to build better relationships ourselves. Having a community of peers who won't repeat the monogamous scripts—that problems in a poly relationship happen because we haven't found The One yet, that poly relationships aren't "real," and so forth—liberates us and helps us find solutions that work.

It's hard to overstate how important this is. Most of us have deeply internalized messages about what's okay in relationships. Polyamory requires us to uproot and discard many of those messages. This becomes a lot harder if the people we turn to for support reinforce those messages whenever we confide in them. "Well, what do you expect?" "That's what you get for cheating." "Why are you letting her do this to you?" "You must have low self-esteem." "He's just using you for sex." No matter how bold or resilient you feel starting out in the world of polyamory, believe us, this kind of thing will wear you down—and when your relationships are struggling and you need emotional support, the lack of empathy can be downright devastating.

One common example is what happens when a couple agrees to be polyamorous, then breaks up. If the members of the couple are primarily tapped in to monogamous culture, the story that will get traction will be the standard cheating narrative. This will be doubly true if it appears that one person left her partner for someone else. It can be very easy for the partner who was "left behind" to enlist the support of his community in vilifying his ex and her new partner. The shaming this can entail can be extremely destructive if you have even a trace of those monogamous scripts left in your own internal self-evaluation process. We have seen this happen many, many times.

You need poly friends. Just take our word for it. A poly social network is also important for something we talked about in chapter 4:
self-efficacy
. Recall that self-efficacy is a belief that you can do something, even if you have never done it before. That's awfully hard if you have no role models who have succeeded at what you're trying to do.

It's common for the people in a monogamous relationship to become each other's main or even only social support structure. Many monogamous couples do almost everything, including nearly all of their socializing, together. They may share the same friends, spend most or all of their leisure time together, even have the same hobbies. There's nothing wrong with this, but polyamory creates a potential complication. If your partner is on a date with another partner, you may feel adrift, without any activities you're accustomed to doing alone. There's not a great deal of social support for just one member of a relationship.

Building a social network of polyamorous and poly-friendly friends is a huge benefit. Developing individual hobbies and interests, social circles who don't expect you will always be with your partner, and activities you can do on your own all benefit you—not only when your partner is off on a date with someone else, but also in making you happier and more resilient.

FINDING YOUR COMMUNITY

Where are poly people? The short answer is "everywhere." We have met polyamorous people just about everywhere you can think of, including at fast-food restaurants. The number and size of the organized communities hints at the number of people interested. We have spoken to polyamorous people from Ghana, South Africa, Norway, Sweden, Germany, Ukraine, and just about everywhere else. For every person who's part of a poly discussion group, there are many more who are polyamorous without being part of a community.