More to Us (35 page)

"How many houses am I going to?"

"Two. One in the morning and one in the afternoon." He glances at my leg again. "But if that's too much for you, you can leave at lunch."

"It's not too much." I smile. "I'm excited about this. It'll be good to get out and help some people that need it."

"We do events like this a lot. We like to give back to the community. I'm hoping you can help us out again sometime. Austin's already planning a holiday event for November. It's to raise money to buy Christmas gifts for kids who otherwise wouldn't get any. If you want to volunteer, just let Austin know."

I don't know if I'm just overly sensitive today or what, but hearing him talk about Austin has me in tears. I'm suddenly crying, like a complete moron, but I can't seem to stop.

"Shit," I hear Nash mutter under his breath. He races up to me and wraps me in a big bear hug with his giant arms. He's huge. Tall and wide and muscular. "Kira, I'm sorry. Was it because I mentioned Austin?"

"Yeah. But it's okay. I just really miss him." I pull away and wipe the tears off my cheeks.

Nash looks to the side, then back at me. "I probably shouldn't be telling you this but...he misses you too."

"He does?" I ask, sniffling.

"Yeah. Shit, he's a mess. He's trying to pretend he's not, but my brothers and I know him better than that."

"Did he say anything about me?" I wipe more tears from my face.

Nash folds his arms over his chest. He looks torn, like he's not sure how much to tell me. "He said a few things."

"Did he tell you why he broke up with me?"

"Yeah. And I'm not trying to be mean, but I gotta say, that was a pretty shitty thing you did. Lying to him is one thing, but you made him train you at the gym, knowing whatever he had you do could've injured you. It wasn't right to hide that from him. Like me, Austin worries about his girl. He'd do anything to protect you. He's never cared about anyone as much as he cares about you, and then to find out he might've hurt you..." Nash shakes his head. "He's having a hard time with that."

My tears had stopped, but now they're starting up again. "But Austin didn't do anything wrong. He just did what I asked. He didn't hurt me. I hurt
myself
."

"He still needed you to be honest with him. Austin has always been someone who's open and honest, and he expects whoever he's with to be the same way."

I look down at the floor. "So you're saying he'll never forgive me."

"That's not what I said. I think he WILL forgive you if you're honest with him from here on out, and if you make an effort to stop whatever got you to this place. Whatever it is that caused you to lie to him."

When I don't respond, Nash continues. "I'm a lot like Austin when it comes to being open and honest. I tell it like it is. I don't lie to people. In fact, I'm probably more honest than people would like me to be, but I don't care. Honesty is important to me and I told myself I'd never be with a girl who lied to me. But Callie lied to me and..." he laughs a little, "now I'm engaged to her."

"Callie lied to you?"

"She lied for the first couple months we were dating. She said her family was living here in Chicago for the summer while she lived in their summer home, a couple hours south of here. I was living in the house next to hers, renovating it. We got to be friends, then more than friends, and then her boss tells me Callie's family is dead. That they'd died in a car crash a year earlier. When I found out, I was pissed that she never told me. For weeks, she'd made up stories about where they were and what they were doing. It was all lies. I assumed she didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth and it almost ended our relationship."

"But you forgave her," I say.

"Only because I realized it wasn't about me. She wasn't hiding the truth from me because she didn't trust me enough to tell me. She hid it because she didn't want me feeling sorry for her or treating her differently. And she wasn't ready to accept that her family was gone. By making up those stories about them, it was almost like they were still here. So I understood why she did it, but I needed her to deal with it before we could move forward. I know that's not the same as you and Austin, but I told you that story because I know how hard it is to give something up. Something you love. Or something you want more than anything. For Callie, she wanted her family back so badly that she pretended they were still alive. She couldn't even get rid of their things. You're not dealing with the death of someone, but it's still a loss. And I think if you understand that, it might help you see why you're trying so hard to hold onto it."

He's talking as if my gymnastics career is over. Just like Amber does, and my parents. Why do people keep doing this? Assuming it's over when it's not?

"Well, I better head out." Nash walks to the door, then turns back. "You gonna be okay?"

I nod, but my eyes are still teary.

"Austin wants you back. I know he does. And I know you want to be with him. But you're gonna have to take the first step. You hurt him, and he feels betrayed, and I know for a fact that he won't be with you if it means watching you do things that could hurt you. He cares too much about you to stand by and watch that happen." He opens the door. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He leaves and Amber walks through the door.

"Nash Wheeler?" she whispers as she shuts the door. She brings her voice back to normal. "Holy shit, he's hot. I've never seen him up close like that. And that body? Damn, that family has good genes." She drops her backpack by the door and goes to the kitchen. "So what was he doing here?"

"Telling me where I need to be tomorrow. I have to be at the house by eight."

"You're still doing that?"

"Yeah, I told you I was. That's why I got the doctor's note."

"So what exactly are you doing? Yard work?"

"Raking leaves."

"And Austin will be there?"

"He's in charge of the event, but I probably won't see him. He isn't on my work crew. His brother, Bryce, is supervising my crew."

"That was obviously intentional." She gets a glass from the cupboard and fills it with water.

"Yeah," I mutter. "Austin doesn't want to see me. Or talk to me."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know."

Nash just basically told me what I'd have to do to get Austin back. He said I had to stop lying, which I can do. I never wanted to lie to Austin and I don't want to do it again. But as for stopping my training? For good? I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can give up gymnastics. It's everything I am, so how can I give it up?

"Kira?" Amber's standing in front me, holding her glass of water. "What's wrong? It's like you're in a trance."

"I was just thinking."

"About what?" She drinks her water.

I look at her. "Why did you quit gymnastics?"

"You know why. I got too busy with other stuff. Cheerleading. School activities." She smiles. "Boys."

"But you were really good. If you'd stuck with it, you might've been the one going to nationals instead of me. So why would you give it up?"

She sets her glass down on the counter. "Because I knew gymnastics was only temporary. It's basically over when you're twenty. I wasn't willing to give everything up for something that would be over in a few years. I wanted to have fun. Have a boyfriend. Hang out with my friends. Go to football games and parties."

Those were all things I missed out on. I had a boyfriend, but I didn't see him much.

"And you don't regret giving it up?"

"No. I would've regretted missing out on all that other stuff. Kira, why are you asking me this?"

 
She knows why. She just wants me to say it. But I'm not ready to. I need to think about this. Like Nash said, letting this go would be a loss. A huge loss. It means letting go of a dream I've had since I was a little girl. It means admitting that I'm no longer good enough to compete. It means being okay with the fact that I trained my whole life for something that will never be. And it means accepting that I'm no longer a gymnast.

But it also means getting back the things I've lost by going after this dream. Like my relationship with my parents, which has been strained ever since the accident. And my relationship with Amber, who had to put up with me all those months I was in recovery. She was in college but she'd still call me every day and talk to me, even when I was in a bad mood and depressed and not very pleasant to talk to. I wasn't the greatest friend. I'm still not, but I want to be.

And Austin. Maybe, just maybe, I could get Austin back in my life. Even if he just wanted to be friends, I'd take it. I miss him so much, and I want him in my life again in whatever way possible.

"Do you want to get some dinner?" I ask, changing the subject. "Or are you going out with Matt?"

She looks to the side. "I um...kind of broke up with Matt."

"What?" I grab her arm. "When?"

"Last night."

We walk over to the couch and sit down.

"What happened?"

"I told him I just felt like it wasn't going anywhere. But Kira, I tried. I really did. I like him and think he's a nice guy, and I tried to make it work, but you were right. There's just no spark there."

"What did he say when you told him?"

"He agreed with me. He said he really likes me, but that he could tell there was something missing in our relationship, which I admitted was my fault. I just wasn't into it the way he was. The feelings just weren't there. So we decided to just be friends. He's actually a really good friend. He's a good listener and he's good at offering advice when you need it."

"He's probably a better friend than me," I say softly.

"Kira, that's not what I meant. You're a great friend."

"I used to be, but I haven't been for a long time."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's been all one-sided. You've been a friend to me, but I haven't been a friend back."

"Listen." She turns and pulls her legs up on the couch, crossing them in front of her. "I admit, you've been a pain in the ass since the accident but I don't blame you for that. You were going through a lot, and still are, so I understand why you're sometimes moody, and stubborn, and," she laughs, "pig-headed and—"

"Okay, I get it," I say, laughing with her. "I'm a pain in the ass, and many other not-so-great things." I get serious again. "But I'm going to do better, because I don't want to lose you as a friend."

"You'd never lose me as a friend." She smiles. "If you did, who would give you fashion advice? Which you desperately need by the way."

"Hey!" I point to my navy sweatshirt and jeans. "There's nothing wrong with this."

"Yeah, if you're cleaning the garage. We have to go shopping. You need a serious wardrobe overhaul. You need to show off that body of yours. Get a few dresses and some better skirts."

"And where am I going to wear all this stuff? I'm not wearing a dress to class."

"You can wear it on your dates." She pauses, then cautiously says, "With Austin."

"Amber, he's not gonna go out with me again. He hasn't even talked to me since he broke up with me."

"So get him back."

"It's not that easy."

She grins. "Since when do you like easy? The Kira I know likes a challenge. The harder the better. And she doesn't give up."

I just smile, because she's right. When I want something, I go after it. And I don't give up.

I want Austin, and I'm going to try to get him back. I'm not sure how yet, but I'm going to start by talking to him, being honest with him. And we'll go from there.

Austin

I just got home from work and am in my apartment, nervously waiting for a call from Paul, the former music exec and son of Harold and June. I called Paul a month ago and left a message but didn't hear back until last week. He'd talked to his mom and she told him I played guitar in a band but that's all she said, so I filled him in on the rest.

When I first called him, I wasn't sure why I was even doing it. Was I looking for advice? Contacts in the music industry? I wasn't sure what to say to him. But then I broke up with Kira and decided to put all my focus on my music. I had a heart-to-heart with Van and Dylan and finally just came out and asked them what's going to happen with the band after they graduate.

Van had no answer, which I knew he wouldn't. He doesn't know what he's doing next week, or even tomorrow, so asking what he'll be doing after he graduates is like asking what he'll be doing when he's fifty. It's too far into the future. He lives day-to-day.

The answer I really wanted was Dylan's. He's our bass player and lead singer. We could find a new bass player, but finding a new singer would change who we are. Vandyl has a certain sound, most of which is driven by Dylan's voice. If he quits, it's over. The band is done.

And it sounds like that's a real possibility. Dylan told me he plans to apply for jobs all over the country. He'd like to stay in Chicago but he'll move to wherever he gets a job. When he said that, I almost asked him about Amber, wondering if he'd stay here if she agreed to go out with him. But then I decided to keep quiet. I'm sure he's already considered that, and at this point, I think that ship has sailed. I sent Amber his phone number and she never called him. And as far as I know, she's still dating Matt.