Morningstar (3 page)

"Forgive me," I whispered to Radueriel upon my return from the Throne. I knelt in front of him, between his parted thighs and kissed his brow. "I have not meant to make you feel unloved."

He looked up at me with the warm blue eyes and smiled. "We become further separated the more thou questionest our Lord, my love. Why canst thou not trust Him?"

"He is changed, Radueriel. He does not make sense! He has created something with the sole purpose of destroying it. That is not like Him, not something He would have done in the Beginning. He has made Man and now will watch Man die, suffer in loneliness and confusion, and then simply destroy their souls," I said, hoping Radueriel would offer some wisdom, something that would remove the doubts that plagued me.

"We must not always know the mind of God, Morningstar," he said, holding my hand in his. "He may not speak with us as He once did, but He still loves us and I have faith in His abilities. He has His reasons; we just do not know them."

Radueriel was not looking at me, and his words did little to ease my worries. "I fear, my love, that if He can do this—so casually!—to the souls of Man... how easily he could do so to us! He wishes to have the purest of the humans enter Heaven, to dwell with Him as a reward for living just and good lives. But, Heaven is not infinite, and, when Heaven is filled, who do you believe He will cast out? Not the ones He spent so long preparing for, went through so much trouble to gather to Him." I lowered my voice, and I felt the tears well in my eyes again. "I assure you, Radueriel, the angels will not be whom He looks favorably upon."

He caressed my face then, lightly touching my brow, my cheeks, gliding his fingers over my lips. "He is God Almighty, Morningstar." Those blue eyes, innocent but wise, gazed up into mine. "If that is His intent, what can the angels do?"

The futility of our situation struck me in that moment and a sense of hopelessness washed over me. I collapsed into Radueriel's arms; the valiant and golden Morningstar a sobbing mess in the arms of his slighter lover.

Radueriel smoothed my hair from my face and placed gentle, tender kisses upon my damp cheeks.

"Will you lay with me, Radueriel?" I asked, wanting to show him that, though I doubted my God, I did not doubt
him
. I loved him. I love him still.

I laid him back, covering his body with mine, and I kissed him deeply. He moaned and ran his hands along my sides, cupping my backside before moving higher to trace the outer edge of my wings. I bit at his lip gently, sliding my hand between our bodies to stroke his member as I pressed my knee between his thighs. He spread himself, welcoming me between his legs, and he lifted his knees to present himself to my organ.

In Heaven, the act of joining one's body to another's was our goal. It was while we were joined that we felt the most satisfaction, and so foreplay was not a concept we were acquainted with. I entered his body easily, thrusting into his depths with my length, slowly possessing his angelic body.

Radueriel bucked into my hand, his fingers twined in my long golden hair, pulling my lips back to his. We kissed as we loved, our pleasures escalating our pace, and I was soon spending myself within his passage and his seed dripped over my fist.

Even the light of God could not compare to the love I felt when I was with Radueriel, and how I miss that comfort.

I assembled the angelic host.

I stood before them and accounted all my grievances.

"God has given Jesus preference over His angels!" I cried. "Though I have served Him, have been His sword and His mercy, He has chosen to create a son to fulfill His Plan!" I looked from face to face, noting the fear, disbelief and agreement among our ranks. "Henceforth, all the sweet liberties we have enjoyed are at an end. For has not a ruler been appointed over us, to whom we must now yield in servitude? I have called us together to assure you that I will no longer submit to this invasion of my rights and yours; that never will I again bow down to Jesus! I will take the honor upon myself, which should have been bestowed upon me, and will command all who would submit to follow me and obey my word!

"Our Lord's Plan will inevitably lead to our positions in Heaven being taken from us! He would give your place to the men and women of Earth. He will send His Son to them, to give His message to them a final time. A final time! After the message has been delivered, there will be no further need for the angels! Through whom will God now speak once His Son has been sacrificed to them in the name of His message? Once this happens, what will become of the angelic host? Are we to be cast aside in favor of Man? We were of Heaven long before they! It is our right to be assured of our place at God's side!

"I say we confront our Almighty Lord and demand that I be placed beside the Throne as Jesus is. Jesus is not an angel! He does not care for our plight, for our fates. His concern is with Man, not angels, for that is how God created Him - it is his purpose! Let it be my purpose to have our fates in mind. Let me be our voice to the Creator who would silence us!"

There was dissent among my brothers. Many were as unhappy and discontented as I was. We could not look into His unsearchable wisdom and ascertain His purposes in exalting His Son, and endowing Him with such unlimited power and command. We feared what we did not know. We rebelled against the authority of the Son.

And, while I had many sympathizers, many angels who understood my intent, there were also others who did not.

Radueriel was one of them.

They tried to speak to me,
he
tried to speak to me, to turn me aside from my path, but I was determined. I would not listen. I told them they were slaves; I denounced them and turned away from Radueriel. Still, even without their support, I successfully incited the angelic rebellion. I continued, though, to preach to them. I spoke of a better Heaven, one of freedom and happiness, one without the Son. Radueriel, along with others loyal to God, warned me to cease my words, for the consequences would be great should the Father hear them.

And, of course, He did hear them, but God loved me still. He sent one of the loyal to me, an Archangel like myself. Michael tried to stop my 'foolishness', warning me that He who could create the angels could, by His power, overturn all their authority and punish their audacity and terrible rebellion. To think, he said, that an angel should resist the law of God, which was as sacred as He!

I laughed.

When they could not stop my words, they turned to the other angels and warned them to close their ears to me, to turn from me as I had turned from God. Radueriel watched us argue as the loyal angels counseled the rebellious to confess to God our disquiet and ask for forgiveness. I wanted my lover to side with me, I wanted him to stand proud at my side and support me. I was
right
, and he should have accepted that.

The rebellious angels began to doubt my word and spoke of seeking out the Father and the Son, to ask for absolution and bow before the Son once more. I cried that I could not serve the Son, that, should I go to God now, all of my honor would be stripped from me. God would no longer trust me, He would cease speaking with me forever, and I would
not
do that. I couldn't! I told them all we had come too far to go back; it was too late for us to change our course.

I was the Morningstar - I would brave all consequences to bring fairness and security back into Heaven.

And I commanded we take Heaven by force.

Those loyal to God went to Him then, and they spoke of our rebellion. I knew Radueriel was among those, for he loved our Lord to a fault - even for an angel. I do not know what happened in that time, for I was still with those who joined the rebellion, discussing what we would do. What I do know is that God chose to allow us to rebel, chose to allow us an equal chance to measure our strength and might with His own, His Son and His loyal angels.

He forced every angel to choose a side. All loyalties were laid bare before the eye of the Lord.

Permit me to become a bit biblical in my thoughts now, a bit poetic.

All of Heaven seemed in commotion. The angels were marshaled in companies, each division with a higher commanding angel at its head. I was warring against the law of God, because I was unwilling to submit to the authority of God's Son.

The heavenly host was summoned to appear before the Father, to have each case determined. I unblushingly made known my dissatisfaction that Jesus should be preferred before Him, and that I worried for our futures once Man was permitted into the bliss of Heaven. I stood up proudly and demanded that I should be taken into conference with the Father so that I could understand His purposes.

God, who had manifested before all the angels, something he had never done, informed me that to His Son alone He would reveal His purposes, and He required all the family in heaven, even me, to yield to Him in implicit, unquestioned obedience; but that I had proven myself unworthy of a place in Heaven.

I boastfully pointed to those who rallied behind me, an army comprising nearly one half of all the angels, and exclaimed, "These are with me! Will you expel these also, and make such a void in heaven?" I then openly declared that I was prepared to resist the authority of Jesus and defend my place in Heaven by force of might, strength against strength.

This, I must now admit, was foolish. There was no way we would have defeated God, the Son, and the loyal angels of Heaven. Though we held onto our convictions, and they gave us courage, none could have withstood the might of God's will in Heaven.

Radueriel wept with his loyal brothers as they heard my words. But, God declared that the rebellious should remain in Heaven no longer. We lost our place by refusing to trust in our Lord. Our happiness and comfort had been held upon the condition of obedience to the law that God had given to govern Heaven. But no provision had been made to save those who should venture to transgress His law.

I grew ever bolder in my rebellion, and I expressed contempt of my Creator's law. We needed no law, but should be left free to follow our own will, which would ever guide us right - God's law was a restriction of our liberty. To abolish that law was one great object of my rebellion. The condition of the angels, I thought, needed improvement.

Not so the mind of God, who had made these laws and exalted them equal to Himself. The happiness of the angelic host consisted in our perfect obedience to His law. Each had his special work assigned, and until I rebelled, there had been perfect order and harmonious action in Heaven.

Or so God, and Man, seemed to believe.

Then there was war in heaven.

The third Separation, when Heaven rumbled with the sounds of pride and arrogance.

The Son of God and His loyal angels battled with the army I commanded. Heaven was awash in chaos and blood. Radueriel picked up a sword and fought against me, true to God throughout. Man never knew of the conflict his Creator and His angels engaged, but we fought long into Man's history.

Jesus and the true, loyal angels prevailed, of course. I was expelled from Heaven, along with those who had fought in the rebellion. We were set on the Earth, forever from the sight of God, alone in the world we had not seen for many years. The angels in Heaven mourned our fate, mourned those who had been their companions in happiness and bliss. Our loss was felt in Heaven, even among those who had been most loyal.

And I have existed through time. My hatred of my Lord has grown. He has manipulated Man just as He had said He would. Jesus came, He died, and now Man has turned from the path. I commend them for that, for refusing to bow before such a being.

He took my power. He took my happiness. He took my joy.

But the thing that he took that to this very day causes me to see a cloud of crimson was the love of my heart. He separated me from Radueriel. I have been alone throughout these years, with only the memories of love and warmth as my companions.

I walk the crowded streets of New Orleans, lost in the sea of humanity and modern tide.

This is Hell.

This is my Hell.

I turn the corner and stop suddenly. Bright sapphire eyes gaze at me from a serene, pale face framed by dark, chestnut hair. He is wearing a white robe and his feet are bare, but there are no wings.

"Radueriel?" I breathe, gaping in astonishment at my long lost lover.

A smile curves those full, rosy lips. "Morningstar."

Great is our Lord and mighty in power, his understanding has no limit.

                                                                                         Psalm 147:5

The grocery bags were heavy as I walked through the night time streets. As I pushed through the throng of people, a man slammed into my shoulder.

"Excuse you!" I snapped, glaring at him.

"Go to Hell," he replied, continuing on his way.

I laughed and mounted the stairs to my apartment. "I'm already there."

I unlocked the door to my cheap, one bedroom apartment, and was greeted by Manny. The cat wrapped around my ankles as I made my way to the small kitchenette, dumping the bags onto the counter. "Yes, I bought you food," I said to him, picking up the fat silver tabby. He purred and scent marked me, his golden eyes closing as I rubbed his back. "Have you been a good boy?" I cooed, setting him back onto the floor so I could unload the groceries.

From the bedroom I heard motion, but I ignored the sounds, focusing instead on putting the cheese, milk, butter and eggs into the refrigerator, and the boxed cereal, cans of soup and bread into the cupboard.

He appeared then, wrapped in my black robe, his eyes watching every movement I made.

"Are you hungry?" I asked, pulling a fry pan from the cabinet. "I have work in two hours, so I can fix you something to eat. Do you like eggs?"

Still he stood silent.

"Do you want meat? I have some chicken. I also have salad and fruit if you would prefer," I rambled, spraying the pan with non-stick spray and cracking an egg into it.

He continued to watch me.

My patience was not infinite and I turned to glare at him. "What? Cat got your tongue? Do you want to eat or do you plan to starve?" My tone was far sharper than I had intended, and he flinched from me. I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger. "Radueriel," I said softly, "are you hungry?"

"Hungry?" he asked me, confusion marring his beautiful features.

I sighed and pulled the pan from the hot burner. "Yes, hungry. Does your belly ache? Grumble and feel tight?"

His hands pressed against his terry-covered stomach and he looked down. "Aye, but I thought it was just part of being corporeal."

I laughed, opening the refrigerator and chose orange juice and an apple for him. While he watched, seating himself at the small bar, I peeled, cored and sliced the apple and poured him a glass of juice. "How long have you been on Earth?" I asked as I served him and returned to my breakfast.

"Three days," he said, and I heard him take a bite of the crisp apple. He gasped and I turned to him; he was gazing at the half-eaten apple slice.

"Problem, Radueriel?" I asked, leaning on the counter and smiling at him.

Those bright eyes gazed at me in wonder. "This is... delicious!" he breathed, quickly consuming the rest of the apple.

I placed my scrambled eggs onto a plate and poured myself a glass of orange juice. I sat on the ragged couch, my plate in my lap, and sipped my juice. "Why are you here, Radueriel?" I asked, eating my eggs.

He stood from his perch on the bar and slowly walked to me, his eyes averted. The angel knelt before me and rested his head against my knee, and I resisted the urge to reach out and stroke the dark hair. "I missed you," he whispered.

"You missed me? He forbade any angel from returning to Earth; why you?" I continued to eat, glancing up at the clock and keeping track of the time.

"I begged Him to let me come to you, Morningstar-" he began, but I rolled my eyes.

"Stop calling me that!" I snarled, tossing my half-eaten eggs aside.

Radueriel looked up at me, sadness in his eyes. "What should I call you?"

"I go by Lucas here. You can call me that," I said, crossing my arms. "So, you 'begged' Him? And He permitted it?"

He nodded. "I am here, am I not?"

"Without wings."

"Part of the deal."

"What else was part of the deal?" I asked suspiciously.

Radueriel smiled then. "I wanted to see you, Lucas. Why can you not be happy to see me?"

My heart tugged inside and I bent down, placing a slow, tender kiss on those smiling lips. "I
am
happy to see you. I never thought I would again," I replied softly, combing my fingers through the thick tresses. "It is a dream made real to have you here."

We stared at one another for a while before I sighed. "I have to go. I have work in an hour."

"Work?" he asked, his eyes lighting with curiosity.

"Yes," I chuckled, standing up. "Work. I have to do something to pay the bills. I will be late, so you don't have to wait for me. If you become tired, just go to sleep."

"Where?" His voice was so soft and meek, as if he were afraid I would tell him he would have to sleep on the floor!

I smiled. "In my bed, love," I said, pulling on my coat.

The last thing I saw as I closed the door was Radueriel's content and eager expression, and I knew he would be up, waiting for me, when I came home.