Mother For His Children, A (16 page)

“She's heartbroken because you haven't written to her.”

Ruthy set the box back on the floor and shoved it into its place with her foot. She could have kicked it. She didn't want to talk about Laurette.

“I haven't written because I don't know what to say.”

“You could tell her you forgive her. You don't know how hard it was for her to write to you and ask for your forgiveness.”

Mam
sat on the bed and patted the spot next to her. Ruthy hesitated, and then joined her. She couldn't say
ne
to her.

“How can I do that,
Mam?
She and Elam destroyed my life....”

“Did they?”
Mam
sighed. “Laurette is very unhappy, and I can't help but think you would have been just as unhappy married to Elam.”

“I'm sure she's only bothered by her guilty conscience.” The words sounded cruel, even as Ruthy spoke them. “I'm sorry,
Mam.
I shouldn't have said that.”

“Laurette does have a guilty conscience. We've talked for many hours about what happened last summer, and she wishes she could take it all back. But that's only part of her problem.”
Mam
sighed again and fingered the fabric of the quilt they were sitting on. “Elam has turned out to be... Well, he isn't a good husband, and I don't think it has anything to do with either you or Laurette.”

“What do you mean?”

“He leaves Laurette alone for days at a time while he disappears. When he comes back he refuses to say where he's been. The church leaders have talked to him about taking on his responsibilities, and he promises, but then a few weeks later he takes off again.”
Mam
shook her head. “Meanwhile, poor Laurette is having a hard time with the baby coming, and no husband to help her.”

Mam
reached out and grasped Ruthy's hand. “God forgive me, but I can't help being glad Laurette is the one who married Elam and not you. And I do need to ask God's forgiveness for rejoicing in Laurette's difficulty.” Mam pulled a handkerchief from her sleeve and wiped her eyes.

Ruthy sat, thinking about
Mam's
words.
Ja,
for sure Elam was young and thoughtless at times, but surely he would have settled down once he and Laurette were married. It must be Laurette's fault that he was acting like this—Ruthy remembered many times when Laurette grew shrewish when things didn't go her way.

“She needs you, Ruthy. She feels so alone. All the time, growing up, you two were best friends, and now you won't even talk to her.”

Ruthy stood and walked to the window, looking out on the white fields. “I can't,
Mam.
She betrayed me, and I can't forgive that.”

“You must, Ruthy, for your own sake if not for hers. Bitterness will eat at you until you become consumed with it. You must forgive her.”

Ruthy rubbed at a bit of dust on the windowsill.
Mam
was right about the bitterness. She could feel it in the back of her mind like a dark, brooding shadow. But when she was talking with Levi, or working in the kitchen, or playing with the children, it disappeared. As long as she stayed busy, she didn't need to think about it.

And anyway, forgiving Laurette was out of the question.

 

Chapter Sixteen

R
uthy turned over in the warm bed. She should get up. Breakfast needed cooking, chores needed doing and...
ach!
She sat up in bed. It was Tuesday. The wedding was today.

She lit the lamp and quickly drew on the new green dress
Mam
had made for today. Gathering her hair into a long coil, she pinned it in place and then settled her
kapp
over it. It should be her husband's privilege to unpin her hair tonight...but not for her and Levi. After the wedding, their lives would go on as they had the last several weeks.

But was she right? Was it fair to Levi to continue to be his housekeeper rather than his wife?

Ruthy jabbed a pin into her waistband and pricked a finger. She stuck the sore finger into her mouth to keep blood from dripping on her new dress.

Ne. Ne,
it wasn't fair to Levi. It wasn't fair to her, either, but she had made her bed and now she must lie in it.
Ne,
she hadn't made her bed. Elam and Laurette had. If things had turned out differently, she would have married Elam last fall.

She hurried through the breezeway between the
Dawdi Haus
and the kitchen. Levi had already been in to start the stove. Ruthy glanced at the clock on the wall. Four o'clock. They were both up early.

Before breakfast was cleared away, the helpers started coming. Bram's Ellie and her mother, Elizabeth, were the first to arrive, and before Ruthy could even finish greeting them, three more buggies drove into the farm.

Mam
directed the whirlwind of activity while girls flew everywhere, preparing the dinner that would cook in a slow oven during the three-hour service. Ruthy was glad to keep busy, but every once in a while she found herself staring out the window toward the yard, where the men were working, bringing the church benches into the house through the front door. What was Levi thinking this morning?

Just before nine o'clock, a commotion in the yard brought everyone to the windows. Eliza had arrived and her horse reared in protest as she tried to stop him at the house. Boys rushed out of the barn to help calm the feisty animal, and Eliza climbed down from her buggy as if nothing were amiss. She took Ginger's reins from Nathan and brought the horse's head down to hers. The animal calmed down and followed Nathan to the barn.

Next to Ruthy, Waneta shook her head. “Only Aunt Eliza would be able to handle a horse like that.”

Elizabeth Stoltzfus chuckled. “Only Eliza would want to.”

“Ruthy,”
Mam
said softly, “it's time for you to change your apron. Bishop will be here soon.”

On an impulse, Ruthy grabbed Waneta's hand. “Come help me. You can make sure everything is straight.”

They went into the
Dawdi Haus,
Waneta giggling as they entered the silent front room. “I didn't think I'd ever want to have church here again, but this is so much fun, isn't it?”

“It is, with everyone here and working together. It should be a good day.” Ruthy paused as she untied her apron. “I think I know which part of the day you're looking forward to the most. It's the Singing tonight,
ja?
”

Waneta blushed. “
Ja.
There's just something so romantic about a Singing after a wedding. Everyone is so happy for the new couple, and even the boys have weddings on their minds.”

Ruthy slipped her new apron on over the green dress. “Even Reuben?” She smiled. Waneta was bubbling with joy and it was a pleasure to see.

“
Ja.
Even Reuben.”

Waneta helped her tie her apron and tucked a stray hair under her
kapp.

“Am I ready?”

“You look ready to me. Do you feel ready?”

Ruthy hesitated. This step was irreversible. Once she said her vows to Levi, she would forever be Levi Zook's Ruthy. She looked into Waneta's eyes, so different from Levi's that she knew they must be from Salome, Waneta's mother.

“I'm ready to become your
daed's
wife, Waneta, but are you and the others ready for me to be part of your family?”

Waneta hugged Ruthy, and then stepped back. “
Ja.
We're all so happy you're to be our new
mam.
”

“Even Elias and Nathan?”

Waneta laughed. “
Ja,
even them.”

Ruthy whooshed out a breath and then laughed along with Waneta. “Well then, let's go. We mustn't keep everyone waiting.”

* * *

Levi forced himself to sit quietly on the bench, Jesse on one side and Sam on the other.

When he and Ruth had spent their time with Bishop during the first hymn, he thought she looked scared. Terrified. Or maybe just nervous. But she had listened carefully to Bishop's counsel on marriage, and had answered his final questions with a steady voice. He had only been able to give her a quick smile before they took their seats in the congregation again twenty minutes later.

He glanced over at her, beautiful in a new dress. Her
mam
sat on one side of her, and Eliza sat on her other side. A welcome sign of support.

If she looked his way, he could give her another smile, or a nod...something to show her how happy he was that this day had finally arrived. But she kept her eyes on the minister, as if this were just any Sunday morning service.

Finally the sermons ended and it was time for him to step forward with Ruth, the Bram Lapps and Waneta and Elias stepping forward as the two couples who would be their witnesses. The vows Bishop read weren't hard for him to assent to. He would gladly care for her in sickness. He would learn to love her, and bear patiently with her. He would never be separated from her until...his throat thickened as he thought that one of them would have to endure the final separation of death. Was he selfish to hope he wouldn't have to travel that path again?

After making their vows, Ruth turned to go back to her seat, glancing quickly at him. He tried to give her a smile, but she turned away too quickly. As he joined the rest of the congregation in the final kneeling prayer, Levi prayed for Ruth's comfort. He prayed she would never regret marrying him.

Dinner lasted well into the afternoon. Levi and Ruth sat at the corner table set apart for the newly married couple and their friends. Waneta and Elias sat with them, even though the rest of the youth were acting as waiters for the crowd, who ate in three sittings.

Partway through the meal, Sam and Jesse came running up to them.

“We can now, can't we, Ruthy?” asked Sam. He pushed past Waneta to stand next to Ruth's chair.

“You can what?” Ruth put one arm around both boys, squeezing them together.

“We can call you
Mam
now,
ja?
”

Ruth turned to bring Jesse closer. “Now you may call me
Mam.
”

When the boys went off with their friends, Levi reached under the table to take her hand. “
Denki
. They have been waiting for a long time for their new
mam
.”

She took a handkerchief from her sleeve and wiped her eyes. “I've been waiting, too, Levi Zook.” She sniffed, and then laughed. “I don't know why I'm crying. This is a happy day,
ja?
”

He squeezed her hand where he still held it, out of sight of their friends and family. “This is a happy day. They're tears of joy, aren't they?”

Ruth nodded, but her chin trembled. Levi turned to greet Matthew Beachey as he walked up to the table, but kept hold of her hand. He had to make sure she knew how much he appreciated her. How much this marriage meant to him and his family. How much he hoped she would make her home here and be happy.

Matthew moved on to shake Bram Lapp's hand and to say hello to Ellie. Bram leaned over and put his arm around his wife's shoulders as they talked, and Levi caught the loving look in Ellie's eye as she looked up at Bram. They were true partners.

He glanced at Ruth again, and she was watching Bram and Ellie as well, with a look of longing in her eyes. He looked away before she caught him watching her.

They had a long way to go before they would have a loving marriage like the one he hoped for, like the one Bram and Ellie had. Would Ruth be willing to work toward that same goal?

* * *

This is not how she had expected to spend her wedding night.

Levi paced from the tiny kitchen to the front room of the
Dawdi Haus
and back again while Ruthy kept her hands occupied with her knitting.

“You don't have to go to the barn, Levi, you could sleep on the floor in here.” But she wouldn't get any sleep knowing he was just on the other side of her bedroom door.

“
Ne, denki.
As soon as I know Ezekiel and Naomi are asleep, I'll head out to the barn.”

“At least you'll be able to move back into the house tomorrow, after they go back home.”

“
Ja,
that will be good.” Levi stopped his pacing and stood in the center of the front room, watching her. “Are you sorry we did this?”

Ruthy glanced up at him, careful to keep a cheerful smile on her face. “
Ne,
Levi, I'm not sorry. We both have what we want, don't we? The children can stay together, and I'll be a good mother to them. You'll have your family and I'll have a home. We'll grow old together and watch our grandchildren grow up. It will be a good life and we'll be content.”

Levi rubbed his beard and Ruthy concentrated on her knitting as he continued to stare at her.

Did it matter if he didn't love her? What would he say if she told him he didn't need to keep those conditions she had imposed? If she asked him to stay with her in the
Dawdi Haus
on their wedding night?

Would she continue to see Salome's shadow every time he looked at her, or would he eventually learn to accept her? If things were the way they should be—if he loved her—would he be content to spend this night in the barn, away from her?

Levi spun on his heel and paced into her little kitchen, and then back into the front room again. “They must be asleep by now. I'll say good-night.”

Ruthy didn't look up as he went out the door to the connecting breezeway. He had left. Her wedding night, and she was knitting socks for a man who didn't love her. She wrapped up her needles in the stocking and tucked them into her knitting basket. Blowing out the light, she walked into the kitchen and looked out the window toward the barn. A sliver of light showed through the door of the cowshed, where Levi had made a bed for himself in an empty stall.

She watched until Levi blew the lantern out, and then went to her own cold bedroom. Lighting the lamp, she took off her
kapp.
As she turned toward the dresser to put the hairpins away, she saw it. Sitting on the washstand were the blue flowered bowl and pitcher she had seen in Middlebury.

Levi. He was the only one who could have put them here. When she had seen them in the store, their delicate beauty had captured her heart, and somehow Levi knew.

She reached out to stroke the blue flowers. Elam would never have done something so thoughtful.

* * *

Levi turned in his straw bed, knowing from the restless movements in the cow pens that morning wasn't far away. His body ached from the uncomfortable bed and the knowledge that he had the right to share his wife's bed last night.

What had induced him to accept that woman's conditions for a marriage like this? He thought being near her every day, to talk with her, share his life with her and raise his children with her would be enough, but after this one night he knew it wasn't.

The sight of her sitting in the lamplight of the front room in the
Dawdi Haus
flooded over him once more. He wanted to hold her, to talk with her, but he would never be able to stand the possibility of her rejection. Leaving the
Dawdi Haus
tonight had been hard enough, and he couldn't risk watching her turn away from him forever.

Levi turned again, and then gave up trying to go back to sleep and stood, brushing the straw from his clothes. He walked to the door of the cowshed and prodded it open an inch or two, just enough to see the kitchen window.
Ja,
the lamp was lit. She was there making his coffee. The thought made the aching in his back ease a bit. She liked him, at least, and perhaps love would come. He could be patient.