Mr. Louie Is Screwy! (2 page)

A few days before Valentine's Day, we had to bring in valentines for the whole class. When I crossed Walnut Street with the guys, Mr. Louie held up his stop-sign guitar. He told us he was excited about the big Valentine's Day festival he was organizing.

“It's gonna be groovy,” Mr. Louie said. “I'm lining up some big musical acts.”

“Like who?” Ryan asked.

“Dig this,” Mr. Louie said. “So far I've got Miss Holly, Mr. Docker, Mr. Loring, Ms. Hannah, Miss Small…”

“Those aren't musical acts,” Michael said. “They're teachers!”

“We're gonna have a special surprise guest too,” Mr. Louie said. But he wouldn't tell us who it was.

When we got to school, Miss Daisy and Mr. Macky were walking up the steps together. Miss Daisy was carrying a heart-shaped cake with bonbons on top. That's her favorite kind of candy.

“Do you have a special valentine, A.J.?” Mr. Macky asked me.

“No,” I told him. “Valentines are dumb.”

Actually, I did have a special valentine. My valentine is Mrs. Cooney, our school nurse. She is beautiful. Her eyes are like cotton candy. I would marry her when I grow up, but she's already married to some guy named Mr. Cooney. Bummer in the summer!

When we got to class, everybody wanted to eat cake. But Miss Daisy said we had to do writing first. I hate writing.

She told us to take out our valentine cards and a pencil. We had to write one thing we liked about every person in
the class.

I wrote Ryan's card first. It was easy:

I liked it when you ate the seat cushion on the school bus.

Then I wrote Michael's card:

I liked it when we watched the Super Bowl on your big-screen TV.

Then I wrote a card for Neil, who we call Neil the nude kid even though he wears clothes:

I liked it when you brought your ferret to school and it pooped on Emily's head.

It was harder to think of something I liked about the girls. This is what I wrote on Emily's card:

I liked it when that children's book author visited our school and her pet raptor attacked you.

I picked up Andrea's card. It was the hardest of all. I couldn't think of anything I liked about Andrea.

My mom always tells me that if you don't have anything nice to say about somebody, don't say anything at all. But I had to write
something
on Andrea's card. So I wrote this:

I liked it when you were absent on Take Our Daughters to Work Day.

Miss Daisy collected all the cards and sorted them while we did a math work sheet. Then she passed out all the valentines.

Emily looked at me. She was holding my card. Then she started crying and went running out of the room.

Sheesh, get a grip! What a crybaby! It wasn't my fault she got attacked by a raptor.

Andrea was reading my card too.

“That's horrible, Arlo!” she said.

“So is your face,” I told her.

“You know, Arlo,” Andrea said, “my mother says that when a boy acts mean to a girl, it means he's secretly in love
with her.”

“No it doesn't,” I said. “It means he hates her.”

“My mother is a psychologist,” Andrea said. “She knows everything.”

“Then she must know you're annoying,” I told her.

Andrea thinks she's so smart. She was trying to get me to stop being mean to her by making me think I secretly like her. But I'm smart too. That's why I'm in the gifted and talented program.

Emily came back into the room. Miss Daisy made me apologize to her. I did, but I didn't mean it.

“What about you, Miss Daisy?” Andrea
asked. “Who's
your
valentine?”

“It's a secret,” she replied.

“Ooooh, who is it?” we all asked.

“If I told you, it wouldn't be secret,” Miss Daisy said.

“Please? Please? Please? Please? Please?”

Any time you want anything from a grown-up, just say Please over and over again. That's the first rule of being a kid. But Miss Daisy refused to tell us who her secret valentine was.

“Time for cake!” she announced.

Miss Daisy was totally trying to change the subject so we'd forget about her secret valentine. But I didn't care, because we were getting cake.

Emily passed out plates. Miss Daisy cut the cake. This girl named Annette put a piece on each plate.

“Psssst! A.J.!” Michael whispered. “I dare you to throw your cake at Andrea.”

“Why don't you throw your cake at Andrea?” I whispered back.

“You're the one who hates her,” Michael whispered. “You should throw your cake at her.”

“I want to eat my cake,” I whispered.

“A.J., if you don't throw your cake at Andrea,” Michael whispered, “that means you love her.”

“Yeah, A.J.,” added Ryan. “It's true.”

Annette put a piece of cake on my
plate. I was faced with the hardest decision of my life. Should I eat my cake, or should I throw it at Andrea?

If I ate it I would have yummy cake, but the guys would think I love Andrea. If I threw my cake at Andrea, the guys would know I hate her, and I would have the fun of seeing her get hit with cake. But I wouldn't get to eat it.

I couldn't decide what to do. I thought so hard that my brain hurt.

Finally I got the greatest idea in the history of the world! I broke my piece of cake in half. I ate one half and threw the other half at Andrea. It hit her right on the head!

Andrea turned around real fast.

“Who did that?” she shouted. “I know it was you, Arlo!”

I tried to whistle so it looked like I didn't throw the cake. Any time you don't want to be blamed for something, start whistling. That's the first rule of being a kid.

The only problem was that my mouth was full of cake. I couldn't whistle.

“It wasn't me,” I said. “Hey, Andrea, do you like seafood?”

“Yes? Why?”

I opened my mouth.

“See?” I said. “Food!”

Andrea said I was gross. Then she rushed to the girls' room to clean the cake out of her hair.

One…two…three…four…

Do you know about the five-second rule? If you drop food on the floor and pick it up within five seconds, it's still okay to eat. That's because germs need at least six seconds to climb on the food.

When Andrea went to the bathroom, I rushed to pick the cake up off the floor. I got to it just before five seconds were up. Then I ate it.

I had my cake and ate it, too! Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea!

It was the greatest day of my life.

The next morning me and a bunch of other kids were waiting at the corner to cross Walnut Street.

“It's almost Valentine's Day,” Mr. Louie told us as he held up his stop-sign guitar. “That's when love is the most powerful. Are you kids feeling the power of love?”

“Yes!” said all the girls.

“No!” said all the boys.

“Love is so strong,” Mr. Louie told us, “I'll bet we can use our love to levitate the school!”

“‘Levitate'?” somebody asked. “What's that?”

I knew that word. “Levitate” means to make something float up in the air. I'm in the gifted and talented program, so I know big words like that. Besides, I saw it in a comic book once. This magician was levitating a lady. Then he cut her in half with a saw. It was cool.

“We can't make the school float up in the air,” I said.

“Sure we can,” Mr. Louie insisted. “You kids can accomplish anything if you put your minds to it. So let's put our minds to it. Close your eyes and focus the awesome power of your love.”

I had to admit that it would be cool to make the school levitate. Maybe if we tried really hard, we could make it float away. Then we wouldn't have to go to school anymore.

We all closed our eyes and tried to levitate the school.

“Is it floating?” Ryan asked.

“Not yet,” Mr. Louie said. “We need more love!”

I concentrated really hard and tried to
levitate the school. Then I opened my eyes. The school was still sitting there on the ground, just like it always is.

“It's not working,” Michael said. “Levitating a school is impossible.”

“You gotta keep your eyes closed,” Mr.
Louie told us. “Try one more time. Close your eyes real tight and concentrate. Use the power of your love!

“Love…love…love…love…”

I closed my eyes and concentrated so hard that my brain hurt.

A few seconds went by. Then Mr. Louie suddenly shouted, “You did it! Right on!”

I opened my eyes. The school was just sitting there on the ground.

“It's not levitating,” Ryan said.

“It was when your eyes were closed,” Mr. Louie said. “I saw it! Outta sight! The school was floating two feet off the ground! You kids are awesome. Man, love is powerful!”

I'm not sure if we really levitated the school or if he was just yanking our chain. But I do know one thing for sure.

Mr. Louie is screwy!

I don't know if the school was really floating, but the L word was definitely in the air the day before Valentine's Day. In art class, Ms. Hannah had us cut big hearts out of red paper to put all over the hallways. In music class, Mr. Loring had us sing love songs. The lunch lady,
Ms. LaGrange, made us heart-shaped Tater Tots.

In the library, Mrs. Roopy dressed up like Cupid and read us a book about Valentine's Day in other countries. Did you know that in Slovenia birds get married to each other? And in Korea on April 14 men who didn't get a present on Valentine's Day gather together and eat noodles.

Other countries are weird.

That afternoon we had computer class with Mrs. Yonkers, who is a genius. One time she invented a computer that turned vegetables into junk food. She should get the No Bell Prize. That's a prize they give to people who don't have bells.

Mrs. Yonkers told us that she worked all weekend on a new invention called the Love Machine.

“What does it do?” Andrea asked.

“It reads brain waves,” Mrs. Yonkers said, “and it shows what you love and what you hate.”

We all wanted to try the Love Machine. Michael got to go first, because he was
sitting with his hands folded. Mrs. Yonkers attached some wires to his head and turned on the Love Machine.

“I…LOVE…FOOTBALL!” said a computery voice. “I HATE…GOING TO THE DENTIST.”

Wow! The Love Machine really worked! Michael does love football, and I know he hates going to the dentist. Mrs. Yonkers took the wires off Michael's head and attached them to Ryan's head.

“I HATE…GETTING SHOTS,” the voice said. “I…LOVE…BROCCOLI.”

Wow! Ryan really does love broccoli. He's weird.

Andrea got to go next. Mrs. Yonkers
hooked the wires up to her head.

“I HATE…MEAN PEOPLE,” said the voice. “I…LOVE…SCHOOL.” What a sick, twisted mind Andrea has!

Mrs. Yonkers called on me next. She stuck the wires to my head. They felt cold.

“We know what A.J. loves,” Ryan said. “Skateboarding…video games…dirt bikes…football…”

“I HATE…SCHOOL,” the voice suddenly said. “I…LOVE…ANDREA.”

WHAT???????????????????

“Oooooh!” everybody went.

“That thing is busted!” I told Mrs. Yonkers. “I want a do over!”

Mrs. Yonkers said she had to give everybody else a chance first. The whole class started singing that song about me and Andrea sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

I thought I was gonna die. It was the worst day of my life.

There was only one thing I could do—run away to Antarctica and live with the penguins. Penguins are cool, and they wouldn't care that the dumb Love Machine said I loved Andrea.