Mr. Louie Is Screwy! (3 page)

My mother wouldn't drive me to Antarctica to live with the penguins.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because I don't want to miss the big love festival!” she said. “All the other parents are going to be there!”

It was the worst day of the year—
Valentine's Day. The L day! And to make things even worse, I had to go to school with my mom.

When we got to the field behind Ella Mentry School, there was a big sign across the soccer goal:
WELCOME TO KLUTZSTOCK
! A stage was set up with speakers on each side.

Parents, teachers, and kids were spreading out blankets on the grass. Some of them were dressed like hippies. Everybody was making peace signs and saying stuff like “Groovy!” and “Far-out!”

Andrea and Emily saw me and came over. They were wearing tie-dyed shirts, sandals, headbands, and flowers in their hair.

“Isn't this groovy, Arlo?” said Andrea. “We're flower children.”

“Far-out!” Emily said.

Ugh! They were even more annoying than usual. I got away from them and walked around until I spotted Michael, Ryan, and Neil the nude kid.

“Who do you think the surprise guest is gonna be?” Neil asked.

“I bet it'll be our old music teacher, Mr.
Hynde,” Ryan said. “Remember when he came back to school and—”

Ryan didn't get the chance to finish his sentence, because Mr. Louie got up onstage and started talking into the microphone.

“Walnut Street is closed, man!” he said. “Far-out!”

“Far-out!” everybody yelled.

“Happy Valentine's Day,” Mr. Louie said. “We're here to groove on three hours of peace and music. So kick back and dig the vibes. If you get thirsty, be sure to use the water fountain next to the stage.”

The first act was Mr. Klutz. He played
“The Star-Spangled Banner” on a kazoo.

Everybody clapped.

Miss Holly, the Spanish teacher, came out with a basket of fruit on her head. She sang a love song in Spanish.

Miss Patty, the school secretary, played an accordion.

Ms. Coco, the gifted and talented teacher, read a love poem while Ms. Hannah played a bongo drum.

A bunch of the other teachers got up and sang. Mostly they were terrible. But everybody in the crowd clapped anyway. We didn't want to hurt their feelings. Between songs, me and the guys kept going to the water fountain to get drinks.

“And now it's time for our special surprise guest,” announced Mr. Louie. “Put your hands together for my favorite rock-and-roll band of all time…KISS!”

Everybody went crazy when four guys in big boots and weird makeup got up on stage with guitars.

“Far-out!” somebody in the crowd yelled.

Then we realized it wasn't the
real
Kiss. It was our librarian, Mrs. Roopy; the bus driver, Mrs. Kormel; our science teacher, Mr. Docker; and our gym teacher, Miss Small. They were all dressed up like Kiss.

Then they started playing—really loud! Mrs. Roopy was the lead singer.

“I…wanna read and write all night, and check out books all day,”
she sang. “
I…wanna read and write all night, and check out books all day…”

Everybody got up and started dancing. Mr. Klutz was dancing with Miss Lazar. Mr. Loring was dancing with Ms. Coco. Mr. Macky was dancing with Miss Daisy. Onstage, Mrs. Roopy stuck out her tongue. Flames started shooting out of her guitar. Smoke started coming out of the floor. It was cool.

We were really hot from all that dancing, so me and the guys went to the water fountain again. Mr. Louie was there, moving around with his eyes closed.

“Klutzstock is outta sight!” he said. “Are you dudes grooving on the vibes?”

“Oh, yeah,” Ryan said, “it's far-out.”

“When do we vote?” I asked Mr. Louie.

“Vote?” he asked. “Vote for what?”

“Vote to see who gets kicked out,” I told him.

“Oh, no, that's not my bag,” Mr. Louie said.

“You mean nobody gets eliminated, like on a reality TV show?” asked Michael.

“No, man. This is all about the love,” Mr. Louie said. “There are no winners or losers. Just good vibrations.”

“Aren't you going to have judges insult the singers and make them cry?” asked Ryan.

“No! Dig the tunes, man,” Mr. Louie said. “Groove to the beat.”

Mr. Louie could tell I was disappointed that none of the teachers would be humiliated. He put his arm around my shoulder.

“Let me clue you in on a little secret, A.J.,” he told me. “I spiked the water fountain.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Shhhh! I put something in the water,” Mr. Louie whispered.

“What'd you put in the water?” I asked.

“Remember I told you about my love potion?” he said. “Well, you've been drinking it. Do you feel the love yet? Happy Valentine's Day!”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

As soon as Mr. Louie told us he put love potion in the water fountain, me and the guys spit out the water. Ugh! Disgusting!

“There's love potion in there?” I asked.

“Right on,” Mr. Louie said. “Love is the most powerful force in the universe. It helped you levitate the school.”

Mrs. Roopy and her band finished their song. Andrea, Emily, and Annette came over to drink from the water fountain.

“Isn't this fab, Arlo?” asked Andrea.

“It's a heavy scene, man,” Emily said.

Annette nodded. “Totally.”

Just then a weird feeling came over me. I didn't know what it was, but suddenly I
had this urge to give Andrea a kiss!

So I did! I kissed her.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

“Why, Arlo,” Andrea said, all smiley. “How sweet! I didn't know you liked me.”

“I don't!” I yelled. “It's the water! Mr. Louie put love potion in it!”

“He did?” Andrea, Emily, and Annette asked at the same time.

You'll never believe in a million hundred years what happened next.

Emily kissed Ryan!

Then Michael kissed Annette!

Word must have spread through the crowd that Mr. Louie put love potion in the water fountain. Because the next
thing we knew, teachers started kissing each other! Parents started kissing each other! Everybody was kissing each other!

Gross! This was the worst Valentine's Day in the history of the world!

For the rest of my life, I would have to live with the fact that I kissed Andrea. But I had to be a man about it.

The next morning Andrea and Emily and the other girls were all whispery and giggly. Miss Daisy hadn't come in yet. I put my backpack away and marched over
to Andrea.

“I just want you to know that I still hate you,” I told her. “I only kissed you because I drank that love potion Mr. Louie put in the water fountain.”

“I know,” Andrea said. “I hate you too, Arlo.”

“Good,” I said. “As long as we're in agreement.”

“But guess what, Arlo?”

“Your butt?” I replied.

Any time anyone says, “Guess what?” you should always answer, “Your butt.” That's the first rule of being a kid.

“Miss Daisy has a boyfriend!” she said, all excited.

“What? No way!”

“She does!” said Emily.

“Who is it?” I asked.

“It's Mr. Macky!” Andrea said, and all the girls collapsed in giggles.

Michael, Ryan, and some of the boys came over.

“Miss Daisy and Mr. Macky?” Ryan asked. “Girlfriend and boyfriend? Impossible!”

“How do you know?” I asked Andrea.

“Haven't you noticed they've been hanging around each other lately?” Andrea asked. “And sometimes they walk to school together.”

“Mr. Macky is always coming into our class,” said Annette, “even when we don't have reading.”

“I saw them making goo-goo eyes at each other at Klutzstock,” Emily said. “They're in love!”

“And this morning,” Andrea whispered, “I walked by the Reading Recovery Room
and I saw them holding hands!”

The Reading Recovery Room is Mr. Macky's office. The girls collapsed in giggles again.

“Maybe they were just shaking hands,” I said.

“They weren't shaking, Arlo,” Andrea said. “They were holding.”

“Maybe Mr. Macky was putting her under arrest,” I suggested. “He held her hand so she couldn't escape.”

“He wasn't arresting her, Arlo,” Andrea insisted.

“Maybe they were arm wrestling?” I guessed.

“They weren't arm wrestling, Arlo,” said
Andrea. “They're in love!”

Ewwww! Disgusting!

“Maybe they're gonna get married!” Emily said.

“They can't get married,” said Neil the nude kid. “They're teachers.”

“If Miss Daisy marries Mr. Macky, she'll be Mrs. Macky,” Annette said.

“Maybe she'll keep her name,” said Andrea. “Lots of women do that. Then she'll be Mrs. Daisy.”

“Maybe she'll combine their two names,” Ryan suggested. “She could be Mrs. Dacky or Mrs. Maisy.”

All the girls were giggling and gossiping about what Miss Daisy would wear to
her wedding and where she and Mr. Macky would go on their honeymoon.

“There isn't going to be a honeymoon!” I shouted. “They're not going out!”

“Who's not going out?” somebody behind us asked.

It was Miss Daisy!

Everybody stopped talking.

“Where were you, Miss Daisy?” asked Ryan.

“I was in the Reading Recovery Room,” Miss Daisy said.

“Um-hmmmmm,” Andrea said, looking at me.

“Is Mr. Macky your boyfriend?” demanded Michael.

“Oh, I don't know!” Miss Daisy giggled. But her face turned red like a tomato. That's a sure sign that somebody has something to hide. “You'll have to ask—”

She didn't get the chance to finish her sentence, because guess who walked into the door at that very moment?

Nobody, because walking into a door would hurt. But guess who walked into the door
way
.

It was Mr. Macky!

“Is Miss Daisy your girlfriend?” we all asked.

Mr. Macky didn't say a word. Instead, he leaned over and kissed Miss Daisy!

Ewwww! Disgusting! They were
smooching! Call the nurse! I thought I was gonna throw up.

“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “Miss Daisy and Mr. Macky are in love!”

“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

“Next Sunday,” replied Miss Daisy.

WHAT?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!