Mr. Wrong After All (15 page)

Chapter 25

Nikki

After beginning our marriage with a whole lot of drama and turmoil, Ahmad and I were finally able to settle down into family life. The first years flew by like lightening. I was amazed at how being a wife and mother so easily came to me. It wasn’t as if I’d had a proper role model that equipped me with the knowledge of how to be successful at either role. Most times, I felt as if I was flying by the seat of my pants but the girls didn’t notice that at all.

I loved them as though they were my own. Although I was the only mother that Aliyah had known, I was more worried about how Corrie would adjust because she was old enough to remember her mom. Surprisingly, she didn’t give me any trouble. Sometimes it appeared that she tried harder to please me because I was not her real mother. There was never a
you can’t tell me what to do ‘cause you are not my mother
moment between she and I. I encouraged Corrie to keep a picture of her mom in her room and to talk about her whenever she wanted.

While Ahmad was in law school, we barely saw him. If he wasn’t in class, he was working or studying. I taught high school history during the day and except for the occasional parent conference, I was home every afternoon when the girls got home. It was rare that Ahmad would make it home before Aliyah and

Corrie went to bed. For three years, I felt like a single parent but I kept telling myself that after Ahmad graduated, things would get better. And they did, for a minute.

After graduation, Ahmad was offered a position at the law firm where he had worked as a clerk for three years. We were able to move out of the two-bedroom apartment and into an entire three-story brownstone. Ahmad was so excited. He was determined to out work and out shine all of the new associates. I sometimes felt as if the love affair Ahmad had with his work was more intense than the one he had with me.

“I have to work harder because I am the only Black associate at the firm, Nikki. I want to make partner in two years and that won’t happen if I just settle for being a
good
attorney. I have to be exceptional,” Ahmad explained time and time again.

“I understand that, Ahmad. I truly do. You don’t have to be an exceptional attorney at the absolute exclusion of everything else, do you? You also have to remember to put as much energy into being an exceptional husband and father. We need to see you and spend time with you. Corrie and Aliyah need their dad. I need my husband. Ahmad, when was the last time we truly took time to make love? I’m not talking about a quickie on the couch. I’m talking about truly savoring each moment as we love on each other.”

“I
know
that you do not want to talk to me about what’s wrong with our sex life.”

Ahmad was right. I didn’t want to get into that conversation. It was a subject that was older and more tiring than the one about

his work. I had so many hang-ups when it came to sex and I knew that it drove Ahmad crazy. No matter how hard I tried, I was never able to let go and enjoy the lovemaking experience. I

enjoyed the closeness of having Ahmad inside of me but I longed for the day when he would make my toes curl and my eyes roll back in my head. It never came and it wasn’t because Ahmad didn’t do his best to try to make it happen but it was because my memories kept me from meeting him half way. He was patient but I knew he wanted more because the frustration in his eyes said what his mouth wouldn’t. I wanted things to be different for us. Sabrina almost had a fit when I talked to her about it and revealed that I’d never experienced an orgasm.

“What? Girl, you’re a grown ass married woman,” she said.

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Yes, it does. It means that Ahmad ain’t on his grind like he should be.”

“It has nothing to do with Ahmad. He’s fine. It’s me.”

“Tell me this. Have you ever brought yourself to orgasm?”

“Huh? Are you asking me if—”

“Yeah, do you masturbate?”

At first, I couldn’t believe my ears but then again, nothing Sabrina said ever really surprised me.

“No,” I said, frowning.

“You ain’t got to look like that. There is nothing wrong with making yourself feel good. How can a man know what you like if you don’t? You know that they are not the smartest animals on the planet.”

“I don’t know, Sabrina. Do you do it?”

“Every other day and twice on Sundays.”

Oh my!

“You and Ahmad can do it together. Better yet, let him watch you do it to yourself.”

“What?” I asked, laughing.

“Nothing will get him hotter than walking into the bedroom to the sight of you having the time of your life all by your damn self. Shit, he’ll be begging to join in. Trust.

Maybe I should try masturbating. Alone first. Maybe we should see a sex therapist. I’m sure Ahmad would agree to anything that would get him the sex he wants.



“Nikki, I promise, when I make it where I want to be, we’ll spend more time together as a family and as a couple but I just can’t afford to slow down and do that right now.”

I do not want to argue with you about this for the six-millionth time.

“Ahmad, you are the father of these girls. I’m just their–”

“Don’t say that. I mean it, Nikki. I don’t want to hear you ever say that. You are their mother. Period.”

I could see that Ahmad was getting angry. He hated it when I went there. Even though I felt like their mother in every way that it counted, deep down inside, I knew that I really wasn’t.

“You know what?” he continued. “We’re going to put a stop to this right now. I want you to legally adopt Corrie and Aliyah.”

“What? Adopt?”

“Yes, adopt. That way if anything happens to me, there will be no questions and no problems. It is the best thing to do.”

“Ahmad, Aliyah is too young to understand but do you think that Corrie will be okay with it?”

“There’s only one way to find out. Ask her.”

“Me?”

“Why not you?”

“Because you are her father and you brought it up. You should be the one to ask her.”

“Let’s ask her together, okay?”

“Fine.”

Ahmad and I went into Corrie’s room to discuss what felt like a spur of the moment decision.

Ahmad didn’t even ask me how I felt about adopting Aliyah and Corrie. He just assumed that I wouldn’t have any problem with it. I don’t have a problem with it but it would have been nice if he’d asked. Now we are going to talk to Corrie about it. If I say anything now, Ahmad will think that I’m having second thoughts.

“Ahmad, aren’t you going to knock first?” I asked when he reached for the doorknob.

“Knock? Are you serious? Whose house is this?”

“It’s our house but that is Corrie’s room. She is a thirteen year-old girl and entitled to her privacy.”

“Where did you hear that shit? On Oprah?”

“Ahmad!”

“Damn it, okay, I’ll knock.”

The talk with Corrie went really well. Ahmad did most of the talking, explaining the why’s and how’s of adoption to his teenaged daughter. She didn’t have any questions neither did she offer any objections. After talking with Corrie, Ahmad decided that he would get started on the process right away.

“Ahmad, will Shannon be an issue?”

I hadn’t seen or heard a word from my sister since Aliyah was born but I still worried that one day she would just show up on our doorstep, demanding to be a part of Aliyah’s life. No one knew where Shannon was. My mother hadn’t even heard from her and it made her sick with worry.

Shannon truly redefined the word “selfish.”

“No. Shannon abandoned her child. I wish she would show her trifling face anywhere around here.”

“Are you sure?”

“We’ll have notices published in New York and in DC newspapers.
If
she sees them and wants to contest the adoption, we’ll, I mean I’ll, deal with that. But I doubt she’ll see the notice and even if she sees it, I doubt she’ll even care.”

You’ll deal with that? What does that mean? I thought you said that we were in this together. I hope you’re right in assuming that Shannon won’t care about the adoption. Aliyah does not need to be a part of Shannon’s drama and neither do I.

It turned out that Ahmad was right. We waited the required time and Shannon did not show up. I was legally Corrie and Aliyah’s mother. After the adoption was finalized, I wanted the entire family to go out and celebrate but as usual, Ahmad had to go into the office. So, there I was. A single mom out on the town with her two daughters while her husband was buried deep in paperwork and conference calls.

Chapter 26

Ahmad

I don’t understand what you want me to do. I’m working hard to afford a good life for my family. You want for nothing. Still, you complain.

Nikki and I always argued about the same thing. Me spending too much time at the office. She didn’t complain when she went on frequent shopping excursions to Bergdorf’s or Saks. She didn’t complain while she was driving Aliyah and Corrie to private school in her spanking brand new Lexus or when she was picking out new furniture for our newly renovated three-story brownstone in Brooklyn Heights
.

My girls need me? I work as hard as I do because of my girls.

I was determined to be a better husband and father than my father ever was. Corrie and Aliyah were never going to have to want for anything. I remember plenty of times when my mother didn’t eat dinner because there was only enough for her children. She would try to play it off and say she was on a diet but I knew better. She had to sacrifice for us because her worthless ass husband couldn’t or wouldn’t step up to the plate and take responsibility for his family.

These were not the memories I wanted my family to have of me.
Lack
was not a word I ever wanted my daughters to have. I wasn’t able to be present at every soccer game or piano recital and I knew they were disappointed. Quite frankly, so was I. I made it when I could.

The girls were growing up so fast; I could hardly believe my eyes. Corrie was thirteen years old and getting more beautiful every day. The fact that her body was quickly changing from that of a little girl to one of a maturing young woman literally scared the shit out of me. I saw the way young boys looked at her when we were out and I didn’t like it one bit because I knew what they were thinking.

Hell, I was thinking the same things when I was their age.

But what could I do? That was just the natural progression of things. I knew that soon, she’d come to us about dating. Aliyah was still my baby girl. At four and a half, she had a precocious curiosity about everything in the world. Much to Corrie’s dismay, Aliyah wanted nothing more than to do everything just like her big sister. Luckily, Aliyah hadn’t developed any health or behavioral problems. She was just as normal as any other preschooler was. What pleased me most was the wonderful job Nikki was doing with teaching the girls to grow up to love and to have respect for themselves and each other. She was a great mother.

“You should at least try to make it home every night for dinner,” Nikki chastised.

“I do try, Nikki. But it doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes there is no way to get around working late.”

“Yeah, I wonder about that sometimes.”

I know good and hell well that is not Nikki’s way of accusing me of cheating. Does she really think that I would…

“Do you think that I’m cheating, Nikki?” I asked, trying to maintain my cool.

“No. I don’t think you are having an affair with a woman, Ahmad. I know better than that. But you are having an affair with your job. I believe that is much worse.”

“What?”

“You can’t say no to it.”

“Do you hear what you’re saying? You sound ridiculous.”

An affair with my job? Are you out of your mind? I’ve never heard of anything so absurd. Do we have to argue about this again and again? You can talk until you are blue in the face. I’m not changing my mind about it. You should know that by now and just adjust your expectations. You’ll be a lot happier.

“I’d might be more inclined to stop working so much and come home if you actually gave me something to look forward to when I got here,” I snarled.

I really hate to go there but it’s been a long time coming.

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I don’t know how much more of this I can take, Nikki. I understand that you have been through a lot in your life. I truly do. But damnit, I’m your husband and I have needs.”

“Don’t go there, Ahmad. We make love.”

“Yeah, missionary position only. Half of the time, it doesn’t even seem like you want to be there at all.”

“How can you say that to me?”

“I can say it because it’s true. And let’s not get started on the way you shut down when I want us to please each other orally.”
Truth be told, I hadn’t had my dick sucked since Shannon. I shouldn’t be thinking about this but I can’t help it. I think about it all the time.

“Ahmad!”

“I am not your father, Nikki. I am your husband and I love you. There is nothing wrong with us making love in every way imaginable. Absolutely nothing. I’ve been patient but—”

“But what? Huh? What are you going to do? I am doing the best that I can. Now, I’m sorry that you are upset because I don’t give you head but—”

I was glad the phone rang and interrupted this idiotic conversation between Nikki and me. I was sure this topic would come around again. It always did.

When Nikki answered the telephone, her voice went from strong and demanding to sad and sorrowful.

What’s going on? Who is on the other end?

“Oh no!”

“Nikki, who’s that?” I mouthed. “Okay, we’ll be there as soon as we can.”
We’ll be where?

After hanging up the telephone, Nikki slid down the wall of the kitchen to the floor and began to sob uncontrollably. I rushed over and lifted her into my arms.

“What’s wrong, baby? Tell me what’s wrong.”

“That was my father,” she started when she was able to speak clearly. “My mother had a stroke.”
Oh no!

“Is she in the hospital?”

“No, Ahmad. She’s dead.”

Dead? Damn!

“It’s okay sweetheart. I’m here for you. Shh…”

“What’s going on?” Corrie asked, walking into the kitchen.

“Nana Estelle has died,” I whispered.

“Oh no! I’m so sorry, Mom.”

Corrie grabbed her mother’s hand and held it to her cheek. The relationship between Corrie and Nikki was one of mutual respect and unconditional love and had been that way since day one. Corrie always referred to Nikki as her mom although sometimes Nikki was doubtful about her place in the girls’ lives. The adoption helped but I could tell that Nikki still was a little unsure at times, no matter how hard I tried to convince her otherwise.

“Do you need me to do anything for you?” Corrie asked.

“No, sweetie, not right now. Go check on your sister but don’t say anything about Nana Estelle’s death to her. I’ll tell her later.”

Corrie kissed Nikki’s forehead and then left the room to find Aliyah.

“Ahmad, I need to get to Alabama as soon as I can,” Nikki said, sniffling.

“Of course. We can leave first thing in the morning.”

“We?”

“Yes, we.”

Do you honestly think I would let you travel to your mother’s funeral alone?

“Okay. I don’t know what to do next.”

“You’re too upset to do anything. Why don’t you go and lie down for a while and I’ll call and make the travel arrangements.”

“But I need to finish preparing dinner.”

“I’ll handle that, too. Now, go,” I insisted.

Nikki nodded and did as she was told. I hoped that she would be able to relax a bit but I doubted it. Although they spoke on the telephone regularly, Nikki had not seen her mom since that whole ugly scene that went down on the day we graduated from Georgetown.

After we were married, Nikki never expressed any interest in visiting her parents in Alabama and I must admit that I was not mad at her for that at all.

Okay, I’ve got to get airline tickets and make hotel reservations. I refuse to spend a night in the same house as her father. Oh yeah, we’ll probably also need to rent a car.

After the girls and I finished dinner, I called and put all of our plans in motion. We would leave for Mobile tomorrow afternoon. Corrie agreed to help by making sure to get Aliyah’s things packed and ready to go.

I am not looking forward to being in the same city with Nikki’s father,
I thought as I showered. The last time I saw him, I was ready to kill him. I had to maintain my temper this time, for Nikki’s sake.

There is nothing I can do for my family from a prison cell. I have to stay calm.