Mummy, Make It Stop (15 page)

I pretended to be sorry that Mum and John had split up, but I was actually delighted. I had always hated the idea of those other kids living in our house. I didn’t blame them for hating Mum; I’d seen how horrible she was to them. But that didn’t mean I liked them or wanted them around.

Then Mum dropped a bombshell. ‘Been in touch with George,’ she said. ‘He’s out of prison, living in a flat across town. We’re thinking of getting back together.’

I was stunned. I had thought that George was gone forever. Now it seemed he was not only out of jail, but planning to move back into our house.

‘Trouble is,’ Mum went on. ‘The social services busybodies are kicking up about it. They don’t want me to take him back. He won’t do anything wrong, I know he won’t. But they won’t give him another chance. They want me to give him up or they won’t let me have you back.’

I could just imagine Anna’s face when Mum announced she was thinking of getting back together with George. And I knew they wouldn’t let us go home if he was there. I didn’t want to - I was sure he would do terrible things to me for putting him in jail.

After that visit, I began to think that we might never go home. I felt very down; it really hurt to think that Mum would put George before me and Tanya.

So I was startled when Anna arrived one Friday afternoon, sat me and Tanya down, and asked us if we’d like to go home.

‘Yes, of course,’ we both said. ‘But can we go?’

‘Yes,’ Anna smiled. ‘We think it’s time for you to go back. I’m going to take you tomorrow.’

This was very sudden, and I felt shocked. ‘What about George?’ I asked.

‘Your Mum has finished with George and agreed to break off all contact with him. She’s on her own with Jamie now,’ Anna said. ‘She really wants you to come home, and we feel sure that you’re both going to be safe and well cared for.’

When Anna had gone, Tanya and I hugged each other. We were going home, at last!

That evening I told Melanie. ‘Yes, I’d heard,’ she grinned, giving me a hug. ‘I’m so glad for you. We’ll miss you.’

‘I won’t miss you!’ I laughed. But that night, lying in bed, I realised that actually I would miss all of them at Cherry Road - a lot. And I wasn’t even going to have a chance to say goodbye to everyone at school. The more I thought about it, the more uncertain I felt about going home. Of course I wanted to be with Mum and Jamie. But I couldn’t stop the nagging doubts. Would it really be OK, like Anna said? Would Mum still love me, like she seemed to when she came to visit? She had never been like that at home, not even on our sneaked visits.

Of course, Anna and the staff at Cherry Road didn’t know about our visits home. As far as they were concerned, we hadn’t been back there for over two years. And we couldn’t tell them without getting Mum and ourselves into trouble. So we kept quiet, and I squashed down my doubts and fears and looked forward to going home. Things would be different this time, I told myself, of course they would. Mum had fought all this time to get us back and that meant she loved us and would be nice to us.

The next morning, I was excited as I packed all my stuff up and sat on the end of my bed waiting for Anna. When she arrived, she came into my room to get me. Tanya was with her. ‘We just need to have a final chat before we set off, Louise. Is that OK, love?’ Anna said. I grabbed my bag and followed them to the small office where the staff usually went for their meetings.

Anna told us it was normal that we should be a little bit scared about going back home and not to worry too much if we felt nervous. She asked how we were feeling and we both said we were excited. ‘That’s good,’ she smiled. ‘Before you realise it you’ll have forgotten all about us here. Now, let’s go and say goodbye to everyone.’

We went through to the kitchen, where all the staff and kids were gathered, waiting for us. When I saw them, my eyes filled with tears. Had they really all come to say goodbye? I had thought we would be whisked out without a word from anyone, the way we had when we left Cranley. I looked around. Even the staff that weren’t on duty that day were there. Suddenly I realised how much they liked us and cared about us.

I turned to Tanya, who had tears running down her cheeks. That was it - I started sobbing.

Penny stepped forward and put her arms around us. ‘Come on, you two, stop crying. It’s meant to be a happy time for you both, not a sad one. Come on and show me your best smile,’ she said. But there were tears in her eyes too. I held on tightly to her as some of the other kids came and hugged me.

Those kids had been our family for the last two years and despite all our differences and squabbles, we cared for each other. As they stepped forward, one by one, to hug me, I realised that they really did like me - for myself - and it felt special. This was what families should be like.

Last to come and hug me was Melanie - my favourite member of staff. ‘You take care and have a great life,’ she whispered.

‘Thanks for everything,’ I sobbed, as Anna took my arm and led me out to the car.

They all came to the door and we sat in the back, waving, as Anna drove down the street. My last glimpse of Cherry Road, as we turned the corner, was of a dozen waving hands and smiling faces.

The journey home seemed to take forever, and as we wound through the city streets, my stomach started to churn and I began to feel giddy and sick. It was real, we were going home, and though I had longed for this day, I was scared.

Beside me, Tanya was silent, and Anna was unusually quiet too, so we made the rest of the journey in silence.

As we pulled into our street, I saw Mum at the window, watching out for us, with Jamie beside her. Suddenly I couldn’t wait to hug her, and to go into the house, knowing it wasn’t just for a sneaked couple of hours, but to stay. I was home. The only funny thing was the car parked outside our house. It looked just like the one John, Mum’s ex-boyfriend, drove.

When the car stopped, I jumped out. Mum opened the front door and I ran to hug her, with Tanya behind me. She put her arms round us, kissing our heads and telling us how happy she was to see us.

Anna came up the path, carrying our bags, which she’d pulled out of the boot. Mum let go of us and took a step towards her.

‘That’s as far as you go,’ she hissed, snatching the bags from her. Then she pushed us through the door, followed us in and turned and slammed it in Anna’s face. I felt upset and embarrassed. Anna had been so kind. But I didn’t want to risk Mum’s mood turning, so I said nothing.

We went into the living room - and stopped. There, sitting in a chair in front of the telly, was John. And beside him were Shaun and Kelly.

‘Hello, girls,’ John said. ‘Nice to see you.’

We looked at Mum, who mouthed, ‘Forgot to tell you, we’re back together,’ before telling us to sit down while she made us all a cup of tea. Awkwardly, we went in and perched on the sofa next to John’s children.

‘Where are they going to sleep, Dad?’ Kelly said.

‘Don’t worry, we’ll sort things out, there’s plenty of room for everyone,’ John replied cheerfully.

I suddenly twigged. John and Mum were not only back together, but he and the kids were living with her. My heart sank. Where would we all sleep? There would be five kids in the house, but there were only four beds.

Mum soon let us know. ‘You can share the bottom bunk with Kelly,’ she said to me. ‘Tanya can have the top.’

I had no choice. But that night, squashed into the bottom bunk with Kelly, I lay staring into the darkness, thinking about Cherry Road. Anna had been wrong when she said I would soon forget them. I knew I never would. I wouldn’t forget how welcoming they were, and how they kept on trying to get through to me, even when I rejected them. I wouldn’t forget the trouble the staff took to play with me, talk to me, listen to me and show me I mattered.

I had changed at Cherry Road. I had been liked and wanted, and that had made me into a different person. I had found confidence and self-belief. I didn’t want to go back to being scared all the time and crushed and hopeless.

I wanted coming home to be the best thing ever. But deep down I knew it wasn’t. What I didn’t know yet was just how big a mistake the authorities had made in sending me back there.

Chapter Eleven

At first Mum was really nice to us. She was calm and friendly, she didn’t snap and she didn’t make me do jobs for her. In fact, she couldn’t do enough for us - she made meals, baked us cakes and even played games with us.

It lasted three days.

After that, she lost interest, and went back to watching TV and asking me to make her cups of tea and snacks. I didn’t mind doing that. But I found it really hard with so many of us in the house. There wasn’t even room for all of us to sit in front of the TV in the evening. I often ended up sitting on the floor.

It was obvious that Mum still didn’t like John’s kids. She put up with them because she wanted John around, but as soon as he was out of the house she snapped and swore and lashed out at them and they scuttled out of her way.

Tanya and I had to start school again and we were switched to the local comprehensive, Parkstone, which was up the road. This time there was no social services budget for our uniforms. I was supposed to wear black trousers or a skirt with a white shirt and a burgundy sweatshirt. I ended up wearing Jamie’s old school sweatshirt with a pair of black track bottoms with holes in them and a t-shirt that had once been white but was now a dirty grey.

It was halfway through the summer term, so I had to join the year eight class, which had been together all year. I soon realised that most of my old classmates from the junior school were there. I had been away for three years, so it was strange seeing them all. But the worst part was that they knew I’d been taken away and put into care. From the day I got there I was taunted about that - and my weight. I was still plump, and the kids lost no time in calling me every fat name under the sun. The one that really stuck - and that hurt the most - was Fatty. Mum had always called me that, Tanya and Jamie picked it up and now everyone else did too.

Not surprisingly, I was miserable at school. It wasn’t quite as bad for Tanya - she was slim and pretty, and she’d had friends in the past who were glad to see her again. So she seemed to fit back in, while I felt I was unwanted and out of place.

Jamie was fourteen, but he’d stopped going to school. In fact, it soon became clear that he was out of control. He was stealing stuff all over the place, breaking into shops and houses and taking whatever he could grab. Mum encouraged him to do it. She liked the stuff he brought, and threatened to shop him to the police if he didn’t give her half.

His stealing was fine by her. But what she didn’t like was that he was also violent and aggressive. He started sniffing butane gas, used for cigarette lighters, and he was high a lot of the time. It made him unpredictable and dangerous. He and his mates used to sit around the living room flicking dried peas at me with a catapult. They really stung when they hit me. Or he’d whip me with towels, shrieking with laughter when I ran away.

One day I went in to find him with a mate, throwing darts around. When Jamie spotted me he started throwing them at me. I tried to duck out of the way, begging him to stop, but he laughed and then lobbed a dart which went straight into my foot, where it stuck. I pulled it out, but I was in agony. I fled to my room, in tears, as Jamie howled with laughter.

He got violent with Mum too, and sometimes she’d lock him out of the house. But she’d always let him back in; he was still her favourite. Not like Paul, who was out of the young offenders’ institution by this time. Mum told us cheerfully that he was living in a hostel across town. She didn’t seem at all bothered and, far from being concerned or wanting to help him, she laughed about the idea of him stuck there on his own.

I felt sad and worried when I heard about it. I didn’t want to be around Paul, but I didn’t want him living like that. Surely someone could find him a proper place to live and help him get back on his feet? I ventured this to Mum, who exploded. ‘What do I care, bloody waste of time he is,’ she spat. After that I didn’t mention Paul again.

Mum bought Jamie an old car, even though he was much too young to drive. It was parked outside the house, and he would spend hours sitting in it. It wasn’t long before he taught himself to drive, and after that he’d roar around the estate, brakes screeching.

He’d already been in trouble with the police several times, for theft and breaking and entering. So far he’d got off with fines, and Mum had borrowed the money to pay them. The day came, though, when he got violent once too often and Mum decided she’d had enough. She told him he had to move into the garden shed, because she wasn’t having him in the house any longer. He didn’t mind - he thought it was a laugh. He put an old carpet and his bed in there, rigged up an electrical extension and set up a stolen TV and hi-fi, so that he had a pad to take his mates to.

He was well out of it, because in the house things were tense and difficult. Mum and John weren’t getting on at all, because of the way she treated his kids. One of them was always in tears and I heard John and Mum arguing - his voice low, hers shouting that she’d had enough of his brats.

In the end, it was John who’d had enough. Six weeks after we got home, Mum hit Shaun across the head and sent him flying. It was the last straw. Calling Mum a ‘cruel bitch’, John and his kids moved out that day.