Mummy, Make It Stop (26 page)
Two months later I arrived for my first class. From the start I loved studying. It was as though a part of me had been starved and was now being fed. I lapped it up, did all my homework and couldn’t wait for the next class. I liked the people I met there, and began to feel so much better about myself. I realised that I wasn’t stupid; I could do the work and get good marks.
The following summer I passed both exams with flying colours. I had qualifications! It felt fantastic. By that time I was working in a local restaurant, doing a mixture of lunchtime and evening shifts, to fit in with Matthew and the girls. I really liked the job - my boss became a good friend and so did the other waitresses. I had a lovely childminder for Amy, and Emily and Sophie were happily settled in school.
Though I was in no rush to leave my job in the restaurant, I had a secret dream. I wanted to work with children in care. I knew what it felt like to be torn away from your family, and I felt I might be able to give them something. I decided to train as a teaching assistant, hoping that a qualification in working with children would help me towards my goal. A year later I passed those exams, and I began to feel that I really could do anything I wanted.
By that time I had told Matthew the full story of my childhood. It wasn’t easy. I still felt a lot of shame and guilt about what had happened to me. Matthew was loving and accepting, and he helped me to understand - really understand - that none of it was my fault. I was let down and hurt by the adults around me, and all I could do was survive.
He suggested that we get hold of my social services files, so that I could fill in some of the missing parts of the story. It was surprisingly easy, but when I sat down to read them, I was stunned and deeply saddened. The files revealed that Mum had known all along that George and then Terry were abusing Tanya and me. She had known and had done nothing. I had always convinced myself that she hadn’t realised and that her failure to help us had been through ignorance. But that wasn’t true. She was more heartless and cruel than I could have imagined.
I was still seeing her from time to time. But after reading the files, I decided to stop having contact. I felt hurt and betrayed and knew I couldn’t trust her again. I certainly didn’t want my children to be around her. Tanya, who was still working as a prostitute, remained close to Mum, who looked after her three children. I hoped that Tanya and I could remain friends, but it was impossible. She refused to see the truth about Mum, and I couldn’t hide from it. We had chosen such different paths that parting was inevitable.
As for Jamie and Paul, they both struggled to survive. Jamie was still living with his girlfriend, doing odd jobs and getting by. Paul had reappeared a few years back, but he had never managed to work and the last I heard of him he was hooked on heroin and sleeping on a mate’s sofa.
I miss all of them - especially Tanya, as we were once so close. But I know that losing my family was the price I had to pay for escaping my childhood demons and I wouldn’t change anything. I have three beautiful daughters and a wonderful man by my side.
I still see Dad, though sadly Sandra died a couple of years ago. He’s on his own now, and we get on well. He feels sad about the years he missed with me, and he loves seeing my girls and being a grandfather.
A few months ago, two wonderful things happened. First, Matthew came home and told me that a friend of his who worked in the council’s education department was interested in offering me a part-time job as a mentor to children in care. I was thrilled - I knew I could give a lost and unhappy child love and support. I just wanted a chance to prove it. And I knew, too, that by helping other damaged children, I could heal some of the wounds from my own past.
The second thing that happened was even more wonderful. One evening Matthew took me out to dinner, then reached across the table and took my hand. ‘Will you marry me?’ he said softly. I looked at his warm, smiling face, and for a moment I couldn’t speak. Was I really going to spend the rest of my life with this very special man?
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Oh yes. I will.’
Acknowledgements
This book would not have been possible without the belief, dedication, hard work and support of a number of special people.
Thank you to Judy Chilcote, my agent, who made me feel so at ease at our first meeting in London and who had the compassion to understand my story and believed in it from the start. Throughout my journey you have been wonderful.
Thank you to Caro Handley, my editor, who has been so caring and who gave me the courage and confidence to be able to put my past into words. You have been amazing to work with and I hope our paths cross again.
Thank you to Carly Cook at Headline Publishing for your kind words of support, your hard work in ensuring that we got everything done on time, and for adding the finishing touches that make my book special.
Finally a special thank you to my partner whose unconditional love has changed my life forever. There would be no story without you. You are and always will be my guardian angel. You were the very first person to believe in me and show me that ‘I could’, to help me understand my childhood and to move on. Without you to write my story we would never have gone on this journey together. I will always love you.
Mummy, Make It Stop
LOUISE FOX
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