Music Notes (Heartbeat #3) (19 page)

I am the one you will forever call Babe. I am your front man, and most importantly your husband always – Rand

*     *     *

I recalled that tune in my head over and over during the long hours of Rand’s surgery. I clenched his tiny handwritten note so hard in my palm that I thought it would soon rip, so I finally placed it safely into my jeans pocket. From time to time I was given updates, and that helped me to stay calm. It was during a long period of time that passed without any further information that I felt that chill on my neck that something was happening. Often when I was scared or nervous I would dive into my writing. Today I couldn’t even focus to hold a pen to paper. “He’ll get through this.” Killjoy’s familiar voice broke me out of my thoughts. I pulled her into a hug and felt her embrace. Everyone was starting to show up in the waiting area of the hospital to offer their support. Besides family and the band, Killjoy flew in, and so did Russ, his tattoo artist from Florida. It was a comfort to have so many well wishes and hearts pulling for my guy.

I was stunned and did a double take when Meila and her band the Erratics strolled in. She was wearing a very normal taupe sleeveless top paired with an awesome bracelet, tight jeans and flat shoes. When I had seen her in the past, she had the shortest skirts on and was packed into a low cut top way too tiny for her chest, and she had a lot of makeup making her eyes look very smokey. She walked over to me and if you didn’t know us, you would have thought we were sisters or maybe twins. “Nice look,” I said to her as she hugged me.

“Yeah, this is the normal me when I’m not performing. Pretty weird that we look so much a like, glad to tell you though that Rand always knew the difference,” and she laughed. Meila moved across the floor to where Killjoy was and I knew Killjoy noticed her entrance immediately. I just wasn’t sure if Meila would change her ways for Killjoy. There could be that attraction, but Meila, I thought, was only into men. Thank God she was never into mine.

Taking in everyone here and the more coming in the door from the stage crew and others that Rand made an impact on was humbling. He really was liked by so many. I felt a hand on my waist, and I turned to see Connor. He and I had become such good friends, and I was so glad he was here. As he pulled me in to him, I didn’t let go.

“Connor do you believe this? I am trying to keep up a front that he is going to be okay, but I am petrified,” I whispered and shared that moment with him.

“Madison, I am here for you, anything you need. I’m here,” he said.

Then I heard, “Yeah, she gets you’re here. How the hell are you?” and Kent slapped him in the shoulder.

“Good man, and yourself?” Connor returned.

I absently listened as Kent and Connor talked. I knew Cecile wasn’t here, so I didn’t expect any problems. It was nice to see Kent and Connor so friendly. If Kent found out they were both in love with the same woman, he and Connor would not be so pleasant. I kept her secret knowing that Cecile held onto both men in her heart.

“I don’t really want to bring this up, but Thomas asked me at the office to extend his well wishes for Rand, and Madison I can tell you they were sincere,” Connor smiled with these words.

“You can let him know when you see him next at work that his wishes were well appreciated. Connor, he and I are well past the point where you have to dodge saying things to me from him, but thank you for thinking of me first.” I had to again fall into the safe haven of his strong arms just to be held another moment.

As more hours passed, I was calming myself by believing that everything in the operating room was all working out. Then, I saw the nurse’s face. I caught her looking in my direction. It was a sad face that told me what I didn’t want to hear. I needed to get some water splashed on my face. I wasn’t told that anything was going wrong, so I needed to prepare myself. Maybe I was just imagining the look from the nurse as I was exhausted. I told everyone I would be back and I headed to the ladies room. I told them come get me immediately if there was any news. Just as I glanced in the mirror after splashing some fresh water on my face, I could see behind me two young nurses that were exiting the bathroom. Before they left I heard one of them say, “I am so sorry for your loss…” I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly. I then heard, the other girl’s voice “It’s such a horrible shame…Mr. Rand…he died.” I looked back at them through the mirror, and tears began to well in my eyes. Their faces displayed complete sadness. I wanted to respond to them but I froze and no sounds would escape my lips. I couldn’t move my body to turn toward them. I glanced again into the mirror to see that they both had already left the bathroom.

I backed my body up against the wall alongside the sink and slid down as my legs completely gave way. “NO, NO, no, no….NO!!!” I yelled out and then stared in shock at the gray tile bathroom wall. I just focused on the plain view in front of me. My mind was so traumatized I was unable to focus on anything else. I began to see Rand and I and our life that we had just flash in front of me.

I was shivering with nervous excitement when I first went to see the concert. I was very panicky, racing around my bedroom trying to select an outfit to wear to the show. Anxious and jumpy was how I felt when I first went to see him perform. I had landed the best seat in the venue. I looked up at the stage and he completely pulled me in.

My tears are clouding my sight and I wipe them away because I need to see Rand, and I want to continue with these memories.

I feel him tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear and admiring my new hair cut. I was thrilled and felt a tickle inside that he actually noticed. I was writing about the band but I didn’t know that he was following me and paying attention to what I was doing as well.

My throat is tight and my chest is jumping. I cannot believe he is gone…I shake my head back and forth and pull my hair through my fingers. I want to throw up right now, but I am frozen in place on the floor. I look forward to the wall and I whimper.

Rand is singing to me and it’s like no other fans were in attendance. I see him now as he is committing himself to me and I follow his tattoo to see my name permanently on him. I cried the happiest tears that snowy day.
I blink back more tears from that beautiful moment and I am taken to a sight of another wonderful one.

I’m lying in the hospital and Rand appears before me so handsome and dangling an unbelievable, stunning engagement ring.
I close my eyes for a moment and when I open them I clearly picture our wedding night. It was so incredible vowing to have him for my entire life. I am still here though, I am still LIVING…life is so unfair. Our babies will never be with him.

Rand caresses my belly lightly with his fingertips and sings all throughout my pregnancy and the babies stir inside at the sound of his voice.
Even when he traveled I felt his love from afar, and he finally made it back in time for the birth of our babies. After they arrived he in no way stopped showing us his never-ending love and affection. The dreary gray tiles are still fixed in my view. I hear the bathroom door open and someone speaking to me. I am numb and it sounds like they are speaking from under water or in a tunnel, I don’t make out any of their words. I only hear their sounds. I drop my head down and feel them pat lightly on my shoulder and then I hear, “I’ll be back with help…” I look up again after they have gone and I remember the flowers.

Rand has my favorite roses, crème with pink edges and it was fate as I was told by a coworker that he showed up at my work with a huge bouquet. I see a glimpse of him seated on a bench near my office and a trash can next to him full of flowers. I am walking by with Thomas. Rand had been there to meet me I was told.

I know I will carry that with me moving forward, and vow to never forget and make sure our children know about him. I try to stand but I am so weak. I gather some strength and hold onto the sink and lift my body up. My eyes are swollen and red…I look in the mirror only to see the best vision.

I am smiling and my eyes are bright and happy. I am glowing as I captured his lips on mine as we were pronounced husband and wife.

A person now catches me off guard and I am shaken from my thought. Behind me someone takes my elbows and holds my back steady to guide me. She says, “I know your loss, you look like you are in such pain.” I break at this moment and cannot hold in my tears. As we exit the bathroom, I see the doctor coming toward me. I am standing on my legs that are about to give out again on me, but I put one foot slowly in front of the other going toward him.

“Madison,” he began. I looked at his red, exhausted eyes and was searching for a sign of hope, and not sorrow. “Your husband’s…” he paused and let out a sigh, “in recovery, and you can see him when the anesthesia wears off.” He sounded so exhausted.

“What, I heard he died???” I was clearly shaking and dazed as I questioned the doctor. I stood there listening to him and I was trying to understand that Rand was still alive, my husband was really ALIVE.

“Madison it was a long procedure. I apologize for whatever gave you the impression he died. It’s just that we lost a patient just a short time ago. Hard to save everyone, but we try our best. But you will be able to see your husband in a little while.” I don’t know why but I reached up to hug him. Usually the medical staff would come join you in the waiting area to deliver the news, good or bad, and then they carry on. Delivering news to me that Rand was alive and I would see him soon, was totally hug worthy. I broke apart inside and cried like a baby in his arms.

Nurses joined me in the hallway as this news was being told to me. They were all so excited and relieved to know his surgery was successful. It started to register in my head that those ladies in the bathroom had been terribly incorrect, but as I walked back down the corridor to go see Rand, I got a weird vibe. I thought I saw some people shake their heads, but most looked away, unable to meet my eyes. I wondered if I looked that bad from my breakdown in the ladies room just moments ago along with being sleep deprived from staying here for the past few nights.

It was Kent that came midway to greet me in the hallway, “Hey you heard the news right?” he asked.

“Yeah, Rand is going to be okay. He is going to be okay,” I repeated it to give myself mental confirmation.

“But Madison it also seems that there is a rumor Rand died. It’s being told that he passed on the operating table while in surgery, and this was leaked and it is already hitting the social media.”

“Oh, Kent what can we do? I don’t want that out there! He just started his solo career. I don’t want the media to create his death.” I know how I felt as I had just grieved for him moments earlier. Standing with Kent I knew I had the most concerned look on my face trying to decide what we should do.

“Let’s tell the media the truth,” Kent suggested. Then the idea hit me, Kent was right.

“I could call this popular social blogger and let her know what happened.” I was already searching my phone for her information.

“Yeah, that would work,” Kent agreed.

Chapter Twelve – Candles are Lit

I light a candle for my husband. He’s lying in a hospital bed, but I’m hopeful and positive. I am all alone at this moment surrounded by the flickering candlelight creating a halo-effect around the room. I recall the feeling the pain when my ex-husband Thomas left me and my life felt like it ended. The agony of the past few days is so much worse. It is an all consuming pain that throbs like a living thing with each breath I take. Before I would enter the hospital to be by his side, I was often doubled over, wracked with sorrow and fear. What I feared was losing him forever. The anxiety was so prevailing that it was making me physically sick. There was always ginger ale or seltzer water on hand, so I soon would be feeling back on track and composed enough to see Rand and not break down.

I would keep this ritual up for as long as I needed to. I run my finger through the flame and touch the wax that forms a shell on my skin. It cools and I peel it off and it exposes my skin. I wish we could just fix what ails us that easily, by clearing it away like the wax. In the days since Rand has been admitted I found myself putting up a shield to protect my heart. Today, I threw up hopefully for the last time. Knowing he is going to survive has relieved so much of my stress. I toss the water from the sink that I palmed in my hands to wake me up, and wash away my anguish before I go to his side.