Music of the Soul (16 page)

side, man.”

“I never openly deceived her like this,” I protested.

“Would you just take a second to think about it from her perspective? She goes through a pretty

horrible surgery, she’s worried to death about having a baby, something you know she wants more

than anything in the world, so what does she do? She cracks and does something that goes completely

against her character.”

I stared down at Bella’s drawing, taking in AJ’s words. “I’m not saying what she did wasn’t

wrong, Jake. It’s a hard pill to swallow when anyone lies to you. But at the same time, you have to

look at the bigger picture. She wasn’t cheating on you or stealing money from you. She wanted a baby

—something she said you gave her hope for after her surgery.”

“I wasn’t thinking straight that night. I didn’t want to hurt her after her surgery, so I lied.”

AJ’s brows rose up. “Oh, so it’s okay for you to lie, but it’s not for her?”

“Fuck,” I muttered, rubbing my hand over my face.

“You have to talk to Abby. I know she’s sorry for what she did. She loves you so much that she

would never, ever do something to hurt you.”

“But she did.”

“You lied to save your own skin. She lied because she was so incredibly scared. When she did,

it wasn’t out of spite, but desperation.”

I raised my brows. “Is there a fucking difference?”

AJ snorted. “I sure as hell think so. It was out of desperation that Mia handcuffed me to that

shower. She doesn’t have a spiteful bone in her body.” He gave me a pointed look. “And neither does

Abby.”

“But—”

Holding up his hand, AJ killed any argument I had with his next words. “Wasn’t it desperation

that drove you to say the hateful things you said to try to drive Abby away when Susan was dying?”

“Yeah,” I croaked.

“Then I rest my case.”

“Would you forgive Mia if she had done the same thing?”

AJ didn’t even hesitate before replying. “Under the circumstances, yes, I would.” He then

narrowed his eyes. “And then I would fucking man-up and stop denying the love of my life what she

wanted most in the world.”

I gave a defeated sigh. Maybe AJ was right. Maybe I needed to be the man and husband Abby

needed and give her what she wanted. Wasn’t marriage supposed to be about compromise and

sacrifice? Abby had been doing a hell of lot of that, but I hadn’t gotten with the program yet. “How do

you do it?”

His brows furrowed in confusion. “Do what?”

“The father thing. How do you do it now, and how did you not totally lose your shit when Mia

got pregnant?”

AJ shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, sure, I freaked out when I found out Mia was pregnant. I

couldn’t sleep for worrying how much having a baby was going to change my life. Did I really want

my life to be changed? Did I really want the responsibility of some little person? But in the end, the

answer was yes, I did. Maybe deep down, I always knew I wanted kids. Then at the same time, I had

to put my fears on the backburner because I was fighting for Mia. I wanted a life with her and my

child so much that I guess it took away some of the fear. Yeah, there were days where I’d wake up in

a sweat, scared to death that I was going to fail Mia and Bella. And once Bella was born, I began

worrying about her constantly. But that’s what being a father is about.”

“How do you know if you’re ever ready to be a father, though?”

AJ laughed. “Most guys never do, and even if you think you’re ready, you’re really not.” He

cocked his head at me. “Why are you so scared of being a father?”

“Too many fucking reasons,” I muttered.

“Yeah, well, hit me with some of them.”

I threw up my hands. “Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I’m listening.”

“I seem to hurt the ones I love, so I’m afraid of something bad happening to my kid.”

“That’s not true, Jake. Bad things happen every day. You can’t help who they happen to. Susan

dying of cancer wasn’t your fault. Abby getting beaten and then having the cyst, not your fault either.

Your kid may have asthma or break his arm falling off of a bike, but that isn’t your fault either.”

I wrung my hands in my lap, afraid to voice to AJ my ultimate fear. Under his intense stare, I

finally caved. “I’m afraid I’ll become my father. I’m afraid Abby will be so consumed by the baby

that she won’t care about me the same way, and when I don’t have her undivided love and attention,

I’ll look for it elsewhere.”

AJ shook his head. “Damn.”

“Yeah, pretty fucked up, huh?”

“How did you ever get something like that in your head?”

I glanced down at the table and prepared to tell AJ something I hadn’t even told Abby. “One

night after my parents divorced, my dad was drunk. Really drunk. It was one of the first nights I’d

ever stayed with him at his new apartment. He and Nancy weren’t married yet. When I went to get

something to eat, he cornered me in the kitchen.” I closed my eyes as the memory that had haunted me

for years overcame me. “He said, ‘I know you hate me because of what I’m doing to your mom. But

everything was fine between Susan and me until you came along. She always loved you more and put

you first. I always came second, so I went to find someone who would put me first’.”

When I dared to look up at AJ, his eyes were wide with shock. “That’s fucking…ball-busting.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“But damn, man, he was drunk when he said those things.”

“Isn’t there a little truth behind every drunken statement we make in anger?” I countered.

“Maybe.” AJ scratched the stubble on his chin. “But for the most part, Mark isn’t a major

douche. I doubt he seriously felt that way. The man was drunk, and his whole life was imploding

around him.”

“Whatever,” I muttered, wishing for a bottle of Jack right about now.

“Have you ever talked to your dad about it?”

“No. Never.”

“I think you should.”

I snorted. “You think if I have some magical Dr. Phil chat with my dad, that all my fears about

being a father will just go away?”

“No, but I think it’s a good place to start.” He rose out of his chair. “I’m going to go back and lie

down with Mia and Bella. That’ll give you the privacy you need.”

“AJ, I don’t think this is the kind of conversation you do over the phone.”

“I agree, but I think you’ve waited too long to do it in person. Might as well do it now.”

I watched his retreating form go down the hall and into the bedroom. I warily eyed my phone on

the table. With a ragged sigh, I picked it up and scrolled through my contacts. When I got to my dad’s,

my thumb hovered over the send button as I debated my decision. Finally, I manned up and pressed

the button.

My dad answered on the third ring. “Hey, it’s Jake.”

“Hey son, how are you doing? Abby still doing okay after her surgery?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine…she’s fine.” I swallowed the knot of emotions forming in my throat.

“Actually, Dad, we’re not okay.”

“Did you have a fight?”

“It’s a little more serious than a fight.”

“Whatever it is, I know it’s worth working out. Abby’s a wonderful, caring woman, and she

loves you very much.”

“I know.”

“Then, what is the problem?”

“I need…I need to talk to you about some pretty heavy shit that happened in the past. With you

and me.” There was a pause on the line. “Are you still there?”

“I’m here.” Dad sighed. “I’ve been hoping you would want to talk to me for a long, long time.”

“I doubt you’ll be thinking that in a minute.”

“I’m serious, Jake.”

“Fine. Here it is. I’ve hurt Abby because I’m not ready to be a father, and it’s all because of

you.”

Dad sucked in a harsh breath that hissed over the line. “No beating around the bush, huh?”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to talk about this—I never have. But having kids and being a

father is about to ruin my marriage.”

“I wish I could be there with you right now, son.”

Before I could stop myself, I blurted, “Wanna hop a plane or drive and meet me in

Birmingham?”

“If you want me there, I will.”

My brows shot up into my hairline. “You’re serious?”

“Of course I am.”

“But why would you do that for me?”

“Because you’re my son. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.”

It took a moment for his words to set in. I knew from the tone of his voice that he was serious. It

was just hard to imagine after all the years that have passed and all the shit between us, he really did

love me. It was a lot to process with everything else that had happened today, and I felt myself

shutting down. “It’s okay. We can talk when I get back.”

“I know I made a lot of mistakes when I divorced your mother—I said and did things that I know

hurt you. I wish I could take them back, but I can’t. The worst thing in the world would be to know

that I hurt you so deep you wouldn’t become a father. At the end of the day, you aren’t me and you

aren’t Susan. You’re just yourself, your own person.”

“So I won’t feel tied down and cheat like you did?” I questioned softly.

Dad was silent for a moment. “Is that what is bothering you?”

“Maybe.”

“Oh Jake, what’s going on in that head of yours?”

“A lot of bullshit, I guess.”

With a nervous chuckle, Dad said, “I would like to think it’s just bullshit, but I know you too

well. All I can say is we’re our own people and make our own decisions—good and bad. If I were to

speculate long term about you, I don’t see you cheating.”

“And how can you guess that?”

“Because you know what a good thing you have. Before Abby, you were with enough women to

know what is real and what is good. Deep down, you know you don’t need to go anywhere else to

find the greatest love of your life—the woman who completes you, challenges you, and makes you get

up in the morning.”

Like a pansy, tears stung my eyes at his summation. He was right—I could never find another

woman who meant as much to me as Abby did. After all, she is my world.

The biggest question that was going through my head was on the tip of my tongue, and I knew I

needed to ask it. Even if the answer was one I didn’t really want to hear. Finally, I drew in a deep

breath and croaked, “Do you think I’ll be a good father?”

“I know you’ll try as best you can. When you fall short, and trust me, you will, you’ll beat

yourself up. No one is a perfect father—some are better than others and some make less mistakes, but

no one is perfect. You live and you learn.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“All you can do is try your best, son. Regardless of how you see yourself, you have so much

love to give to a child. I know that, and Abby knows that as well.”

The shuddering of the bus’s wheels slowing down alerted me that we were getting off the

interstate and heading into downtown Birmingham. “Listen Dad, I gotta go for now. I really

appreciate you talking to me.”

“I’m here for you anytime, Jake.”

“Thanks.” I hesitated at the next words, hating myself for how hard they were to say. “I…I love

you.”

“I love you, too.”

After I hung up, I sat in silence just staring at my phone. I didn’t know if I should try to text or

call Abby. Part of me knew that what I had to say needed to be said in person. Because of Lucy’s

birth, we were heading straight into a show, rather than having our usual rehearsal times. I wasn’t

going to have a moment before going out on stage to talk to Abby unless I cornered her in the dressing

room.

Any thoughts I had of getting to her on the bus was shot to hell when I saw her brothers walking

her into the arena. I sighed and went to get a shower. When I was finished, Bella was bouncing

around the kitchen waiting for me to come out.

“Guess you had a good nap, huh?”

She grinned. “I did.”

AJ rolled his eyes. “She never sleeps long enough.”

Mia yawned. “No, she doesn’t.”

“I’ll see you later, okay?”

AJ and Mia gave me a questioning look, and I nodded. They both smiled. “Go get her,” AJ said.

I laughed and then headed down the aisle. After pounding down the bus steps, I headed into the

arena. As I started in the dressing room, Marion was talking with Frank. He must’ve asked her how

Abby was because she was shaking her sadly. “Poor thing. She was an absolute mess. I never thought

I would get her ready and out on that stage. Her eyes were so bloodshot and swollen I wasn’t sure I

could make them look okay. I must’ve used two tubes of concealer.”

At the sight of me in the doorway, Marion clamped her lips shut and whirled around. “Ready for

me?” I asked, when I caught her gaze in the lighted mirror.

“Sure,” she replied curtly.

It goes without saying that she was firmly Team Abby. She raked her nails a little harder into my

scalp than she usually did, and the times when she usually patted on the stage makeup, she smacked

my face instead. “I’m going to make it right,” I said softly.

She glared at me for a moment. “You damn well better.”