My Best Friend's Bucket List: Volume One (7 page)

Epic Fist Fight At The
Indoor Swap Meet On A Sunday

(Even More Epic Time
Cut)

Do you remember the first fight you ever
saw? If you're lucky it probably was a licensed boxing match. If
you're not so lucky it was your parents. These things happen. It's
a big fat slice of Americana.

The first fight I had ever seen was between
my mom and dad, ironically mom started the fight, dad held no
restraints. Soon they were in full fisticuffs, like Edward Norton
and Brad Pitt, bare knuckle fist fighting. People often gasp or
flinch when I tell them that nowadays. They can't believe I can be
so casual and up front about it.

Eh, it's in the past. And now, as an adult,
I can appreciate a real good fist fight.

That day was really cold. The dark gray
clouds were in full bloom, bloated with the possibility of rain. It
was Sunday and the indoor swap meet was doing magnificent business.
The thick stench of churros and popcorn oil infiltrated the
filtered air. As always there was a stale beer smell in the
air(California here we are). The building was literally a ginormous
cinder block, hollowed out, filled with vendors selling anything
and everything.

The cinder block had doors and exits. The
main entrance was guarded by two large security guards. Other
guards walked around checking out the Latina women in tight short
skirts and tops that revealed aureola style cleavage.

The floor was concrete, the walls concrete,
the ceiling high rise. Minus guard towers the place was a fucking
prison. But there was no other place that Dick and myself chose to
spend our Sunday's.

To my right was Dick Pickett, my best
friend/brother from another mother. To Dick's right was Lorrie
Lovitt, chestnut eyed angel, also Dick's girlfriend. To my left was
Brandy Hocks, a blue eyed, tight bodied blonde Midwestern
bombshell, she'd given up the farms for sunny California. And her
family ran a pumpkin patch.

This was technically me and Brandy's first
date, if you don't count porno style sex in the mall bathroom, I
was happy to be hand in hand with her.

DISCLAIMER: My best friends bucket list does
not condone nor do we consider sex in a mall bathroom a first date.
IF YOU HAVE EVER CONSIDERED THIS ACT A FIRST DATE, PLEASE SEEK OUT
YOUR NEAREST SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS MEETING. ALL MEETINGS ARE
ANONYMOUS, UNLESS OTHERWISE STATED IN THE MEETINGS CREED(not the
rock band).

Brandy Hocks was a perfect distraction from
the great Lorrie Lovitt, whom I was falling in love with faster
everyday, but she loved Dick. She also seemed to fancy me in her
own way. Just two days ago she had called me 'her best friend'.

Yeah, Lorrie liked me like an old sweater
you don't want anymore, like maybe your now deceased Grandmother
had given it to you on her last Christmas. Then, one day, when
you're finally about to throw it away, someone says they want it.
And even though you were about to throw it away, now it's your
favorite.

I strolled along, sipping a Miller Lite.
Brandy also enjoyed a Miller. Dick had a Bud Light, a taste I could
never break him of, and Lorrie drank from a Styrofoam cup filled
with Seven-up and Canadian whiskey. She chose to drink hard that
day and Dick had expressed his concern to me earlier in the day. It
went like this:

Dick: “Dude, Lorrie seems really up in her
head today. Ya know? Like she's pissed or I did something.”

Me: “How do you figure?”

Dick: “Well, for one, she insisted we
basically chaperone you and Brandy on this dreaded Day Date.”

Me: “Day Date?”

Dick: “You never saw
The Hammer
?”

Me: “Is that a porno?”

Dick: “No, dude, it's Adam Carolla's boxing
movie. He refers to Day Date's as bad news.”

Me: “OK. Maybe she doesn't trust the random
chick I just banged yesterday in the mall bathroom?”

Dick: “True. But how is that her
business?”

Me: “I guess it's not. Wait, how is she
acting pissed?”

Dick: “Do
you
think our knives need
sharpening?”

Me: “No.” Dick pointed to the kitchen.
Lorrie Lovitt was sharpening our largest butcher knife. She was
gritting her teeth and mumbling incoherently. I looked back at
Dick.

Me: “From now on she's not allowed in the
kitchen alone.”

Dick: “Agreed.”

Now that image of Lorrie sharpening the
knife lingered in my head. I was buzzed from the beer, but pretty
sure that Lorrie was scowling at me and Brandy any chance she
got.

“
I can't believe we can
just walk around the market on a Sunday drinking beer. They would
have you arrested for that back home.” Brandy said, a slight slur
in her speech. I wondered how many trips we made to Dick's
trunk.

“
Maybe you should go back
home.” Lorrie muttered under her breathe. Everyone ignored
her.

“
Oh, well, you can't
normally do this you gotta know the right people.” I said and
winked.

“
Yeah.” Brandy smiled,
“But no one is even saying anything.”

“
Why would they?” Dick
asked. Then we took long sips off our beers.

“
It helps to be tight with
the security.” I said.

The two beefed up security guards that
watched the door on Sunday's were in a Thrash Metal band. They were
called Eagle-something-a-rather. I had got them discounts on their
instruments(I used to work in the guitar department of a well known
music store). Therefore, they turned a blind eye to the beer and
booze. In short, me and Dick got trashed at the indoor swap meet on
Sundays.

I had made several connections at the indoor
swap meet on our Sunday adventures.

“
Let's stop here for a
sec.” I said to Brandy.

“
Let's get a corn dog
while they handle their business.” Dick said to Lorrie.

“
What are we doing here?”
Brandy asked.

“
Yeah, Tuck, what are we
doing here?” Lorrie chimed in.

We were in front of a busy and crowded video
game tent. There were several flat screen TV's in the front
connected to systems like: The Nintendo Wii. Xbox 360. PlayStation
3. Further in the back, beyond all the teens and flat screens, were
older TV's.

“
I'm going in the back for
a pick-up.” I said.

“
This is one of his few
stops.” Dick said to the ladies.

“
WELL I WANNA GO.” Brandy
and Lorrie shouted at the same time. I looked at Dick, wide eyed,
he shrugged.

“
I can get a corn dog by
myself.” Dick said.

“
NO. No you can't. You
should take Lorrie with you.” I said.

“
But I don't want a corn
dog, Tuck, I want to look at the video games.” Lorrie said, her
chestnut eyes begging.

Dick shrugged, indifferent.

Brandy rolled her eyes.

“
Please.” Lorrie said to
me.

“
You could use a corn
dog.” Brandy muttered. I heard her but ignored it.

“
Excuse me?” Lorrie said,
not ignoring it.

“
I'm just sayin', I mean,
you are under weight, right?” Brandy continued.

“
OK, OK, OK!” I shouted.
“You both can go with me, if you be nice to each other, for cripes
sake.” I looked at Dick, irritation in my eyes.

“
What dude? They made
their choice. Not everyone likes corn dogs. Chicks usually like ice
cream.” Dick said, then wandered off, clueless. I wondered if he
was drunk or just didn't care.

Inside, the tent reeked of Axe Body Spray,
sour gummi candy, Mountain Dew Original, skunked weed, adolescent
sweat. Behind the flat screens was a glass display case. Various
used video game titles and console controllers were for sale. One
lonely glass display case featured bongs and pipes(not used for
marijuana), yeah right.

I cruised to the back of the tent with
Brandy and Lorrie in tow. Both girls were getting horny looks from
teen males going through puberty. Bad day to wear tight black pants
for Lorrie. Even worse day to wear skin tight blue jeans for
Brandy. Neither seemed to notice.

The back of the tent had a
vertical slit in it to make a door. The slit lead to another slit
into yet another tent. In the second tent was largest flat screen
TV I have seen in my life. On the screen,
Marvel Vs Capcom 2
was in full play.
Wolverine took on Cyclops in high speed battle.

“
The graphics aren't as
good as the games in the other tent.” Brandy commented. I was about
to explain...

“
That's because this is
the original Xbox, the first released by Microsoft. This game is
over 5 years old and it's 2D, even though the background is 3D.”
Lorrie said.

“
Is this the
X-Men
game, Tuck?” Brandy
asked.

“
No. It's a game that
crossed over the Marvel and Capcom universe.” I couldn't turn away
from that TV. Two men sat in leather chairs controlling the
characters on screen. They were Jack and Jeff Davis.

“
Is Capcom a comic book?”
Brandy asked.

“
Dumb ass.” Lorrie
muttered. I heard her but ignored it.

“
What's that?” Brandy
asked, not ignoring it. What was wrong with women? I
thought.

“
You don't seem to know
much about video games for someone who wanted to come with us.”
Lorrie piped up.

“
Hold up, girlie.
You
came with
us.
In case you don't
know, you have a boyfriend, so maybe you can get off of Tuck's ass
from time to time.” Brandy said.

“
OK, OK, OK!” I shouted,
causing Jack and Jeff to pause their game and look at us, “You two
agreed to be nice. So I expect nothing but. Drink your drinks and
chill.”

“
Tucker Sawyer! The indoor
swap meet rat!” Jack said.

“
Tucker Sawyer! You rat!”
Jeff said.

Jack and Jeff stood, their long black
straight hair in ponytails.

I forgot to mention, they were identical
twins, they both wore Mountain Dew t-shirts, holey jeans, black
Chuck Taylor's(just like me, the shoes, not shirt). I was wearing
my faded Ramones t-shirt, holey jeans, black suit jacket.

“
Hey, guys.” I
said.

“
Are you going to
introduce your lady friends?” Jack said.

“
Aren't you going to
introduce the ladies?” Jeff said.

Lorrie and Brandy looked at me, concern on
their face. I assured them with a smile.

“
This is Brandy and
Lorrie. Lorrie is Dick's new girlfriend. Brandy is my date today.”
I said.

“
Dick had a new squeeze?”
Jack said.

“
Where is Richard
Pickett?” Jeff said.

“
He's getting a corn dog.”
I said, “I'm here for my usual pick-up.”

“
Oh, yes, of course.” Jack
said.

“
Of course, yes.” Jeff
said.

Lorrie and Brandy had moved closer to me.
Jack and Jeff eyeballed them hard. The twins were almost
salivating. It was then I remembered why I never brought girls back
there. One time I had brought some chick I was dating at the time.
It took me thirty more minutes for my pick-up. With no girls, it
took five minutes tops.

“
GUYS! My pick-up?” I
said. That seemed to snap the twins out of their trance.

“
Of course, yes.” Jack
said.

“
Yes, of course.” Jeff
said.

Jack looked at Jeff. Jeff didn't notice, he
drooled over Brandy.

“
Brother, will you?” Jack
asked.

“
Will you, Brother?” Jeff
asked.

“
Brandy, Lorrie. Will you
step out to the other tent.” I said. They looked at me, we were
shoulder to shoulder.

“
Will you be quick?”
Lorrie asked.

“
Please.” Brandy
asked.

“
Yeah. Dick should be back
anyway.” I said. Brandy and Lorrie left. The twins' eyes blinked as
if some spell had been broken.

“
Mr. Sawyer.” Jack
said.

“
Mr. Tucker.” Jeff said.
“Allow me to retrieve your pick-up.” He walked behind the large
TV.

“
Thank you, Jeff.” I said.
“How goes it, Jack?”

“
Great, Mr. Sawyer. We
just had a fresh shipment in last night, so your pack should be
particularly fresh.”

“
That sounds awesome to
me.”

“
Indeed.” Jack
said.

“
Indeed, indeed” Jeff
said, approaching, handing me a 12 pack of Mountain Dew Pitch
Black. I handed him the 6 bucks.

“
I'll see you two next
week. Try to beat your meat more. You two could use it.” I
said.

“
Indeed.” Jack said,
smiling devilish.

“
Indeed, indeed.” Jeff
agreed.

There was a loud crash behind me. I rushed
through the slit doors into the first tent the Pitch Black 12 pack
under my arm like a football. In the first tent, among all the
teens and video games, I dropped the 12 pack as Lorrie landed a
right hook square on Brandy's jaw.

Brandy stumbled back but didn't drop, both
women took a fighting stance, the teens created a circle as Brandy
landed a gut shot to Lorrie's stomach. Lorrie slumped over, holding
her flat stomach.