My Blue River (34 page)

We didn’t speak one word on the way to my parent’s house. I got out of Jack’s Jeep and slammed the door shut as hard as I could. Before I got too far, I heard, “Addy, wait.” I smiled.
I knew he would cave
.
He always gives in first
. He got out of the Jeep and walked over to me. “You forgot this,” he said as he handed me my sweater.

My mouth popped open as he turned around and walked back to his Jeep. I called out, “You want to say anything else?”

He stopped, but didn’t turn around. “I’ll let you know what I have to say tomorrow.”

“Excuse me?” I asked incredulously.

“You heard me.” He got in his Jeep then tore down the driveway, spraying gravel in the air.

I couldn’t bring myself to go inside the house so I opted to sit on the porch swing. I heard the creak of the screen door opening. My dad’s curiosity had gotten the best of him.

“You okay?” asked Dad.

I quickly wiped a tear away and tried to sound upbeat. “Uh, yeah…yeah, Dad. I’m fine. I’m just enjoying the cool autumn air and the smell of the smoke coming out of the chimney.”

Dad sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders and asked, “What’s up, princess?”

I knew I couldn’t fool him
. I laid my head against his shoulder. “It’s Jack. We just had a fight over something totally stupid.”

“You want to talk about it?”

I hesitated because I already knew it was stupid and saying it out loud would only make me sound foolish and childish, but this was my dad. He was the best person in the world and the one man who always stood by me. “I got jealous about him playing pool with a girl from our graduating class. I was a total jealous fool and I made a mountain out of a mole hill.”

“Jealousy will do that,” Dad said as he patted my arm. “But Addy, if you’re going to continue to have a relationship with Jack and live a long distance romance, you’ll need to trust one another.”

I sniffed a tear. “I know.” He was right, but it was difficult to wonder what Jack was doing while I was away and I was sure it was difficult for him to wonder about me as well.

As my dad and I sat swinging on the front porch, we saw the familiar Jeep return to our driveway. I took in a deep breath and sat up.

“Guess I’ll leave you two alone,” offered Dad. He kissed the top of my head then stood up and went inside. He shut the large wooden door to give us privacy.

Jack walked slowly up to the porch, stopping just short of the base of the stairs. “Can we talk?” he asked.

I pondered my next words. I wanted to be tough and maybe even a little snotty, but as I looked into his beautiful eyes, I couldn’t do it. “Sure.” I patted the seat next to me.

As soon as he sat down, I could feel the heat of his body. I really wanted him to put his arm around me and tell me we would be fine but he didn’t.

“What are we going to do, Addy?”

I felt a lump form in my throat. My voice was shaky. “I don’t know, Jack. Our relationship is looking pretty bleak at this point.”

“If there is no hope of us being together, tell me now. Please. Tell me now.” His voice quivered.

We couldn’t look one another in the eye so we both stared straight ahead. “Jack, I don’t know what to say to that. I’m going to college in California. You’re living here. I just …” My words trailed off. I truly didn’t know what to do until Jack made a suggestion that took me by surprise.

“Maybe we need to take a break.”

I swallowed hard. “A break?” I choked on the words.

“Yeah. A break.”

We sat in silence for a moment. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking, but I was getting a pretty good visual of him dating Brooke, and my blood was starting to boil.

I turned to face him. “So you want to…
date…
other people?” I asked.

He turned to face me. “No. Honestly, I don’t. But what we’ve got going isn’t working for me either.”

“Well, me either,” I said curtly. I turned to stare straight ahead again. I could feel him still looking at me.

An uncomfortable feeling hung in the air. My nineteenth birthday turned into the day Jack and I would break up. It would forever be documented as my worst birthday ever.

When I felt him look away, I finally uttered, “Fine. Let’s take a break.”

********

I returned to California an emotionally battered and bruised woman. Sheridan gloated over the “break” Jack and I were taking. She prattled on about her new fraternity and sorority friends and kept insisting I give Branson a chance.

“Well, to use a saying your Montana people would appreciate, you need to get back in the saddle.” She giggled at her joke.

“Very funny, Sheridan.”

“Could you at least go out on one date with someone who wears respectable shoes?”

“Stop. Besides, Jack looks great in cowboy boots and it’s just a break. We’re going to get back together.”

“Cowboy boots are disgusting and I seriously doubt you’ll ever get back together. You know, you need one of those what’s it called,
interventions
. You need something to detox you off of Jack and Montana.”

I wanted to have a complete freak out and tell her that I had finally realized she was a selfish snob, but instead I replied, “I just need to be alone and focus on my studies, seriously, just let it go. Please.” I pleaded. Living with her on a daily basis was as painful as this break from Jack. I wasn’t sure either relationship would survive my first year of college.

********

Jack’s Journal

October 23

Addy’s 19
th
Birthday

Next worst day of my life

“Please, Addy, accept this promise ring as a token of my love and commitment” somehow turned into “maybe we should take a break.” What the hell was that? Have I lost my mind?! My plans were to take Addy to The Barn then after a while, suggest we go to The Beach to see the Northern Lights. In the midst of the beauty of the Northern Lights, I was going to slip the promise ring on her finger and attempt to control myself during passionate kisses. What in the world happened?

Actually, I do know what happened. For starters, Addy went into a jealous rage at The Barn about my playing pool with Brooke a few weeks ago—who truly would never be a temptation for me by the way—but her jealousy sparked something inside of me and that something told me she wasn’t ready for the same level of commitment I am. She has to trust me to wear that ring. I was hoping the ring would make her understand my level of commitment and convince her to move back. Somehow we’re now on a break—a BREAK!!!! I hope the expression “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is true.

29. Introductions

“You need to get out, girl,” insisted Sheridan.

“I am going out. I’m on my way to the library,” I replied.

She pulled a face and tipped her head, “You know that’s not what I mean. You need to party.”

“Uh, no…no…I don’t need to party. I need to focus and pass this stupid economics class.”

Sheridan rolled her eyes and continued, “Well, at least you’re not crying about
Jack
anymore.”

No, you’re wrong, Sheridan
. I still cried. Silently, every night, I cried about Jack. Sheridan went back to reapplying her makeup. She was going to yet another frat party. I didn’t know which one nor did I actually care. I had no idea how she was passing any of her classes and I was barely passing so I needed to bring my grades up—way up.

Although Jack and I still spoke, it was becoming less and less frequently. I didn’t go home for Thanksgiving which made him angry. I went to Montana for Christmas. We exchanged simple, unemotional gifts. We fought some more about where our relationship was headed. It was the same old argument—Jack pleaded for me to return to Montana—I pleaded for him to move to California.

I was driving myself insane with thoughts of how Jack was occupying his time. I wondered if he was dating Mandy, last year’s homecoming date, or if he had succumbed to the guileful ways of Hot Brooke. He too began to feel jealous and questioned each time I went out with Sheridan. I refused to go home for New Year’s Eve, which infuriated him. Our immature jealousy led to the destruction of our relationship.

By early February, we had officially broken up but vowed to remain friends and reassess the relationship when I returned in May for summer break. But being
just friends
wasn’t going too well either, because in reality, we loved each other deeply. It was too difficult to let each other completely go and even more difficult to pretend we didn’t love each other. Each time we spoke, we argued so much that we dropped all phone calls and merely sent the occasional email. Eventually, we ceased all communication.

When my grades plummeted to an all-time low, I knew it was time to
“buckle down,”
as my dad would say. My mom encouraged me to let my relationship with Jack go for now, just until summer, which was shocking since I knew deep down she just wanted it to completely end. I hated to admit she was right, but she was. I couldn’t help repair the damage that had been done to our relationship, so it was best to direct all my focus to my studies.

Despite how difficult it was to concentrate, I finally pulled myself together and headed to the library for some long overdue studying. As I found the economics books on the sixth floor of the UCSD library, I stopped to find the book the professor recommended as additional reading. I was thumbing through the pages as I walked along the aisle, not really paying attention to where I was going. I didn’t recognize I had reached the end of the aisle and slammed into someone at the end. Books and papers flew everywhere. It looked like a poorly orchestrated ticker tape parade.

“I AM SO SORRY!” I exclaimed in a loud whisper.

“No…no…I am the one who is sorry,” insisted my victim. I finally looked up to see a very attractive young man gathering my books for me. It had been quite a while since I found anyone other than Jack attractive. In fact, he was quite gorgeous.

“Seriously, it was my fault. I wasn’t watching where I was going,” I flushed cherry red.

“I wasn’t either. It was my fault.”

We finally gathered our books and sorted out which ones belong to whom.

“I’m Harrison by the way. Harrison Winthorpe.” He extended his hand to me.

“Adelaide. Addy Davis. You can call me Addy.” We shook hands. Not only was he attractive, but he exuded charm.

“It’s nice to meet you, Adelaide.”

“Nice to meet you, too.” I was so embarrassed that I could barely meet his gaze and I felt flustered. An awkward silence fell between us. “Well, again, I’m sorry.” I turned to leave.

“Hey, Adelaide. Let me make this up to you. Can I take you for some coffee or tea? Maybe a soda?”

I stopped dead in my tracks, not turning around to face him. I wasn’t sure what I thought about his invitation. I hadn’t done anything with anyone other than Jack for so long that I wasn’t sure I could actually utter the word,
yes.
Eventually I turned to face handsome Harrison and replied, “Yeah. That actually sounds good.”

“Great!” Harrison beamed at me.

********

Harrison suggested we get something to drink at the student union building. I was relieved with his choice. It felt safe. He had coffee. I had a soda. I found myself surprised by how easy it was to talk to him. We exchanged stories about of ourselves. He was a pre-law major from California. Harrison met all the requirements I had originally imagined for myself. Before there was a cowboy in Montana that I loved, I had imagined a native Californian fraternity boy, pre-law or pre-med, and of course, handsome. Harrison was handsome in a way that was different from Jack. Jack was rugged, outdoorsy, and alluringly attractive. Harrison was the clean-cut, boy next door attractive, and exuded the “I’m bound to be rich someday” attractive. The shallow part of me loved the idea of him having money. He was intrigued by my stories of Montana. I directed the anger I was feeling for Jack toward criticizing Blue River. It was surreal. I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Harrison became even more intrigued. I couldn’t pin-point what he found so interesting, but he was definitely attentive to my words. He had been a number of places in his life—wonderful, exotic places—but he had never been to Montana. I had a feeling that someday he would go.

********

Week after week, I found myself spending more time with Harrison. It was a welcome distraction from my problems with Jack. In fact, it was becoming more of a relationship than I had expected and yet it felt strange.
Maybe it’s just because he’s not Jack
. Sheridan often told me how many girls would die to be with Harrison, but I really didn’t find the same appeal the other girls did. I enjoyed my time with him, yet felt certain this would never be a serious relationship. My heart was still so full of love for Jack, that it was hard to move on; yet I wasn’t exactly keeping myself from becoming closer to Harrison. On some level, I wanted to tell him I just wanted to be friends. For some reason, I feared telling him that would make him angry and ultimately, I’d be lonely again so I decided not to tell him.

One night, just before spring break, Harrison and I were studying—more like talking—on the sixth floor of the library, when he made a startling suggestion. “How about I go to Montana with you over spring break?”

I choked on my sip of library-forbidden soda. “Seriously?”

My mind immediately flashed to an image of Jack and the pain this would inflict upon him. The image made me feel sick to my stomach. I didn’t want Jack and Harrison to be close enough to each other to breathe the same air. “You don’t want to see Montana—seriously—you’re not missing a thing.” I brushed it off.

“Hmm…I think I am.” Harrison leaned closer to me. “I want to know everything about you and if that means a trip to Montana, then I’m there, sweet pea.”

Gag
. I didn’t like it when he called me sweet pea. He wanted me to find him charming and I did, but I hated this new pet name I had been given.

He pleaded. “Come on…please?” He sat back then gave me a quizzical look. “Is there a problem? Will your parents mind?”

I knew they wouldn’t mind. If anything, they would be thrilled that I hadn’t slit my wrists over Jack. I decided to lie.

“Actually, I think they’ve made a lot of “just family” plans. I’m sorry. Maybe next time?”

He sat back and furrowed his brows, as if he suspected I wasn’t being honest, but I must have passed his test. He eventually relented, “Sure. Next time.”

********

Jack’s Journal

March 15

I talked to Bill Davis today. He said Addy is coming home for spring break—as in two days! I know we haven’t talked in a while, but I’m still trying to figure out why she didn’t tell me herself she’d be coming home—excuse me, in honor of her I’ll say, coming back. Then again, we haven’t communicated in a long time.

It has been hard to stay at a distance—which seems really silly when we’re 1,300 miles apart. I should call her before she comes home. I need to talk to her. I need her to know how I feel. I want to get back together and I want to make this work. We’re worth it…no…SHE’S worth it. I need to say everything I meant to say instead all the other stupid crap that has been put in an email. I’m better than that and a lot has changed for me. Offering up a break in our relationship was the dumbest idea I have EVER had. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I need to fix it before she meets someone else. I want to give her that promise ring.

********

“But sweetheart, we’ve got plenty of room,” insisted Mom.

Mom and Dad had me on the speaker phone in their office.

“Nope, Maggie, I think she’s right. Just because she’s dating someone new, doesn’t mean he needs to come to our home on her break. Right, princess?” said Dad.

“Right. It would be…weird…awkward and what if I ran into Jack? That would be horrible!”

I knew if I could see them, my dad would be nodding his head in agreement while Mom had just rolled her eyes in disgust, which was nearly confirmed when she declared, “There is no you and Jack.”

Ouch. Thanks, Mom. That hurt.

“That doesn’t mean she needs to throw another guy in his face,” Dad charged. He almost sounded like he was gritting his teeth through the entire statement.

Now I really wish I could see the looks being exchanged. When we hang up, they’re going to fight about this one!

Mom cleared her throat. “Anyway, you’re always welcome to bring a friend to our home. That’s all I’m saying.”

“Thanks, Mom. Thank you both,” I offered. Mom knew I was thanking her for being hospitable while Dad knew I was thanking him from coming to my rescue. I went on, “Could you put Aaron on the line?”

“Sure. I’ll go get him,” replied Dad.

Mom and I said our goodbyes and shortly, Aaron was on the line.

“Yo! Sis, what’s up?”

I shuttered a little. He sounded like “old” Aaron—the Aaron who was either stoned or drunk or both.

“Take me off the speaker phone, okay?” I waited for him to respond to my command and he did. “Aaron, I need you to do something for me.”

“Depends, what’s it pay?”

“I won’t kill you when I get back there, how about that?”

Aaron snorted, “Yeah, like you could.”

“Okay, seriously. Focus. I need your help. I’m coming back for spring break and I want to know what Jack’s plans are…like, try to find out where he’ll be and when.”

“Why would I do that for you?” Aaron was trying to push my buttons. I couldn’t understand where he was coming from and I didn’t have the time or patience for his antics.

“Aaron—please? Besides, you owe me. Remember last year when I didn’t tell Mom and Dad that you knew you were an addict?”

There was a long silence. I knew Aaron was trying to remember the moment I just spoke of, which he had probably been stoned at the time anyway and didn’t remember.

“Aaron, just do it. Please?” I pleaded.

“I still don’t understand why. I thought you guys were over.”

“I just want to prepare myself in case I see him.”

“Oooooo...you still have a thing for Jack!”