My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (40 page)

I head home just in time to catch Quinnster before she goes to sleep, give her a kiss, head upstairs, throw on the woobs, and sack out in front of the TV with a box of cereal. Jen joins me, and we watch some TiVo’ed
Law & Order
s before falling asleep.

Wednesday 27 July 2005 @ 1:46 p.m.

In the early a.m., I head over to Scott’s place to pick up Mos, Laura Greenlee, and Phil Benson.

We’re tripping out to two locations to scout some space we’re thinking of using for
Clerks 2
. I bring Mulder for a ride with us, as well. We stop at Jack in the Box for some road food, and spend the next three hours visiting and assessing the pair of locations. Out of the two, one is fantastic, so we decide to put all our efforts into securing it. I drop the trio off back at Mos’s and head home with Mulder.

I get home and play Ultimate Bet for hours, while watching a few TiVo’ed
Law & Order
episodes.

At night, Malcolm, Cubby and Chay come over. Jen and I throw on some clothes and the five of us head over to a small theater on Melrose to see our friend Fanshen Cox perform in a show with her all-girl comedy troupe, Tomboys in Fishnets.

We get back home an hour and change later, and I throw on my woobs and get right back into Ultimate Bet, while Jen, Chay, Mitch and Cubby throw back drinks upstairs with Malcolm, Gail and Jimmy.

Jen comes back to the room an hour or so later, and I close up the laptop, cuddling up to her and falling asleep to
The Simpsons
.

Thursday 28 July 2005 @ 1:46 p.m.

I wake up early and bury myself behind my desk-top all day, knee-deep in issue six of
Spider-Man/Black Cat
. I’m digging the hell out of what I’m writing, and I’m suddenly glad I’ve waited this long to finish it, as it’s far better an ending than it would’ve been had I completed it back in ‘02, or even six months ago. Jen comes in and out of the office all day, crushing on me for taking her out the night before. But I can’t succumb to her charms; Spider-Man needs me. It’s at this point that my journey into comics geekdom has taken a twisted turn, as I’m opting for
Peter Parker over pussy.

I finish writing and send the script off to Axel, then head out to bed to lay down and watch some
Law & Order
while eating the lunch that showed up an hour ago — the one I denied myself until I was done with
Black Cat
. A turkey/roast beef sandwich never tasted so good.

I look at the clock and realize I’m supposed to be leaving for the airport in an hour, so I call down to Gail to see if I can leave on a later flight out to Boulder instead. She books me on this, and I email back and forth with Scott about locations stuff, while watching TiVo’ed
Law & Order
s.

Jen joins me on the bed, and we cuddle up for twenty minutes before I have to get in the shower. Jen packs for me, and I get dressed and head upstairs for family dinner with Byron, Gail, Harley, Jimmy and Jen. I woof down Gail’s awesome chicken and mashed potatoes, then collect my bags and drive to the airport with Byron and Jimmy.

I check-in, grab a smoke outside, then mosey to the gate, where I board and settle in for the two-hour flight to Denver.

We land in Colorado after a flight which consists of me watching half of what may very well be one of the most fascinating and delicious films I’ve ever seen:
Overnight
, the documentary which tells the story of the semi-rise and massive plummet of Troy Duffy, the
Boondock Saints
director who shot himself in the foot repeatedly. Good God, if you haven’t seen this flick, track it down and watch it. It’s a story of hubris and baseless arrogance so insanely pronounced, you spend most of the film talking at the screen, uttering phrases of disbelief like “oh my God...” and “holy shit!” If you’re planning on being a filmmaker, this doc is like a primer of who you never want to become. See it, ASAP; you will NOT be disappointed.

I head out of the terminal and run into a fan who’s trafficking the taxis and limos. He gets me into mine and I take the half-hour ride to Boulder, first playing Tetris, then sleeping a bit, before pulling up to the Saint Julien Hotel. I check in and head up to my room, where I immediately plug my laptop in (it’d died toward the end of the flight), and finish watching
Overnight
, going so far as to rock all the extras as well, something I rarely ever do. After that, I put on the TV and watch
State Property
on HBO while playing Ultimate Bet.

Friday 29 July 2005 @ 1:47 p.m.

I wind up playing Ultimate Bet clear until seven in the morning, absolutely on fire. I’m playing at the $5/$10 No Limit table called the Leominster, and it’s like I can’t lose. I pull down some massive pots and turn my initial five-hundred-buck buy-in into $2,700. However, roll or not, by seven a.m., I’m falling asleep at the keyboard, and I’ve got a noon call-time. So I finally close my eyes and catch some zs.

Wake up, shit and shower. I spend an hour writing out thank-you notes to all the key members of the crew I’ve worked with over the
Catch
shoot, and then start getting dressed. Liv Tyler calls and we chit-chat for half an hour, ‘til I get the call from downstairs that it’s time to head to set.

I’d had Chappy at Graphitti make five cases of exclusive
Catch & Release
Kevin Smith InAction Figures for a wrap gift, which he’d Fed-Exed to the hotel for delivery that morning, so I bring two cases with me to set, along with a few other more specific little wrap gifts for folks like Susannah and Henry.

Since I’m wearing a bandana in this scene, Forest doesn’t really have to do my hair. Angela does my makeup, then I head back to my trailer to finish filling out thank-you cards for the crew. We’re called to set for a pre-lunch blocking rehearsal of the shot, and then released for lunch.

During lunch, I start giving out the Kevin
Catch
figures, along with all the thank-you cards. I also collect a pair of gifts: a pretty funny t-shirt from Jenno and a framed trio of pics from Susannah that she signs: “I adore you, Kevin Smith. Chin down!” I know immediately that it’s going up on the family wall back at the house.

Post-lunch, I get to set and see all the familiar faces from Vancouver nestled in the mountains of Boulder. The shot we’re doing is a montage piece that features Garner, Sam and me moving furniture, with a gag as a button. We do about seven takes of it, at which point the gate is checked, and the three of us are picture-wrapped. It’s hugs all around as I say goodbye to my extended family of the last three months. I give out the remaining
Catch
Kev figures, then head back to the trailer.

Forest washes my hair for the last time, and we bullshit for a bit before the car comes to pick me up to take me back to the hotel. I pack up my shit and play an hour’s worth of UB, where I lose a grand of the chunk I’d won earlier that day, before heading downstairs to take the ride to the airport with the Boulder 2nd A.D.

En route, I call Jen to let her know I’m coming home and discover she’s hammered. She’s been sitting poolside with Chay, Trish, Michelle, Malcolm and Cubby, throwing back Margs. We get into a snit, and I get off the phone to try to track down Mewes by cell, to tell him he’ll have to pick me up at LAX.

I fall asleep for the remainder of the ride to the airport and wake up to find out the flight home’s been delayed by two hours. I check in and find a smoking lounge to hold up in, where I continue to donk out of my UB winnings until it’s time to board.

I play Tetris for the whole flight home, listening to my iPod. At the airport, Mewes is waiting for me in my truck. We stop at McDonald’s, then I drop Jay off at Milo’s so he can play another marathon round
Lord of the Rings
skirmish game all night.

I head back to the house, kiss Jen, then proceed to get into a bigger snit over the afternoon party/no airport pickup, that puts us in separate rooms for an hour or so, until we think better of it and put the shit aside, cuddling up in bed, and falling asleep to
The Simpsons
.

Saturday 30 July 2005 @ 1:47 p.m.

Harley wakes me up around eight, and I take her swimming upstairs. Jen joins us after an hour or so, hanging out on the deck. Reyna and Hans arrive, so Harley heads off to hang out with them, and Jen and I head down to our room.

We engage in some pretty awesome late-morning fucking, after which I take a shower and check email, putting up the
Degrassi
trailer on the board.

Jen and I order sandwiches from Yummy and watch a documentary about the building of the Brooklyn Bridge, which turns out to be fascinating and informative as all hell (I finally understand how a suspension bridge works). We follow that with
An Empire of Their Own
, a doc about how five Jews from the shtetls of Russia created not only Hollywood, but fleshed out Horatio Alger’s idea of the American Dream. It’s another excellent doc that’s worth checking out.

Catching Gregory Peck in the
Empire
doc makes me want to watch
The Omen
trilogy, so I suggest it to Jen. We tent off the curtains to the boudoir portion of our bedroom suite and dig in to the Dick Donner thriller.

Around six-ish, Jen, Harley and I head out to Coffee Bean and Rite Aid, then over to Baja Fresh, where we grab some take-home dinner.

Back at the house, the three of us chow down, then Jen reads Harley some books while I check the board and the weekend grosses, then watch a bunch of trailers. I kiss Quinnster g’night, and Jen puts her to bed, while I take a dumpski, playing Tetris.

Jen returns, and I pop in
Damien: Omen 2
. Dozing off, we turn stop
The Final Conflict
fifteen minutes in, opting for TiVo’ed
Simpsons
to fall asleep to instead.

Sunday 31 July 2005 @ 1:48 p.m.

I wake up and shower, while Jen gets ready to go to Burke Williams for a mani/pedi. I get dressed and load Quinnster into the car.

We head to breakfast at the Jerry’s on Beverly, then shoot up to the Sunset Blvd. Aaahh’s, the curio store, where we pick up some
SpongeBob
crap and a kid size ‘College’ t-shirt, made famous by Belushi in
Animal House
. We walk down the block to Tower, where Harley grabs a few kiddie DVDs, then head home.

I lay down for a half hour and take a nap before Jen wakes me up to let me know John Roshell’s upstairs, waiting to go over the proofs of the
Mallrats
script book. I join John and we go over every page, making a few corrections and chitchatting before he heads off.

An hour later, Chay and Jay show up, and I start prepping meat for the barbecue. Jen’s iced down a bunch of drinks, and I call Jeff Anderson to see if he wants to come over as well. Annie Duke, two of her kids, and her boyfriend Joe (the A.D. who says “Or
House Party 3
!” to Chris Rock in
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
) arrive, and the kids immediately get in the pool with Mewes. Everyone else sits around and chit-chats while I’m grilling up some filet mignon and Italian sausage. It’s a good-size barbecue crew, including me, Jen, Harley, Jay, Chay, Mos, Bryan Johnson, Brian Lynch, Malcolm, Cubby, Trish, her boyfriend Scott, Annie, Joe, and Annie’s two kids.

Hours later, the crowd starts thinning out. I sit around with Lynch and talk about the last three issues of
Spidey/Black Cat
, as well as his awesome idea for a kids’ movie. Annie and Joe have to get the kids back to Annie’s husband, so we’re left with just me, Jen, Chay, Jay, Malcolm and Cubby. We retire to the living room to play some poker, where we’re joined by Jimmy. We play ‘til midnight, then call it quits.

Jen and I head downstairs, get into our woobs, and fall asleep to TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Monday 1 August 2005 @ 10:27 p.m.

I’m up at five, unable to sleep. I take a shit and play Tetris, then head to my office to check email and update the diary a bit, before popping in a copy of
MurderBall
Phil Raskind sent me (he’s repping the feature remake version). I watch half of the compelling doc before feeling tired enough to go back to sleep.

I wake again around noon, to the sounds of Jen and Harley rustling about. Immediately, I check the showtimes of
Sky High
, as Harley’s expressed interest in checking it out. I take a shower, get dressed, and load Quinnster into the car. We head to the Grove theaters, while Jen heads off to Burke Williams for the appointments she missed on Sunday.

At the theater, Harley and I load up on all sorts of what-seem-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time garbage snacks, then take in the flick. If you haven’t peeped it yet, check out
Sky High
. It’s really quite good, funny, and engaging as hell. A movie like this deserves to do well at the box office.

Afterwards, we head home. Harley and Jen go hang out in her room for a while, and feeling disgustingly full, I jump online to start tracking down the weight-loss program I want to enroll in.

It’s been a hardcore four months of non-stop, unchecked, unabashed eating for me. Being away from home and stuck in Vancouver for nearly three months, I did no exercise and comfort-ate in a dangerous fashion. I come from a long line of diabetics, and for years, I’ve ignored that, packing sugar into my body like it was the key to eternal life. Not having been near a scale in months, I’m figuring that I’m at the top weight I’ve ever been at the moment, and it’s time to change the nature of my relationship with food and get back into a regular exercise routine.

I’d already checked the Cedars Sinai site the other day, looking into their weight-management programs. I’d left a message but hadn’t heard back, so today, I’m looking into any possible programs at the Century City Hospital. The Century City site links me to a site with a name I recognize: Novartis Optifast.

Back in late ‘97, while I was still living in the apartment on Broad Street in Red Bank, I’d heard about this doctor-regulated liquid-fast diet program that was run out of Riverview Hospital. The diet consists of five shake-meals a day, and nothing else. Each meal is a nutritionally balanced 160 calories, making it an 800-calorie a day diet. When I went through the program back in ‘97/’98, I lost forty pounds, right before I lit off to Pittsburgh to shoot
Dogma
. It’s just about the best diet plan I’ve ever been on, and it’s pretty easy, so long as one doesn’t mind not eating for months.