My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (43 page)

I visit with Mom, Judy, Don and Andy, then meet up with Virginia outside, and get introduced to Sabine’s younger sister, Delaney. Delaney stays at Mom’s house with Don, and Virginia and I go to her place, where we walk around the neighborhood and catch up.

We head into her house, where Sabine’s working with another therapist. In the two years since she was diagnosed, the kid’s made great strides, and her language skills have developed to a point where she’s actually speaking. Virginia and I bullshit for a while, then head back to Mom’s with Sabine.

I spend the day chilling with my family. It’s the first time Mom’s had all three of us kids together since Dad’s funeral, so she’s glowing. I give her the bust, which goes over well. Judy serves dinner, but I opt to hang out on the porch, smoking and talking to Mom. Later, Don, Virginia and I hang out on the porch, and make jokes about how insanely awful our grandparents (on my Dad’s side) were to us when we were kids.

Around ten, I say goodbye to Virginia, as she takes Sabine and Delaney home. I continue to hang with Mom, Judy and Don a bit, then head out around midnight, dropping Don off at Virginia’s place before I drive back to Red Bank, talking to Jen on the way.

I get back to the hotel, climb into woobs, and jump online to check email and the board.

In the course of an IM conversation, I learn that someone pretty close to me isn’t who I thought he was, and it’s devastating. I call Scott back home and wake him up to talk about it. We go over it for an hour, and by conversation’s end,
Clerks 2
loses a producer (not Scott, natch). I call Malcolm, too, after sending him the iChat conversation in question, and he’s as flabbergasted as I am. We talk about it ‘til six in the morning, before I finally go to sleep.

Wednesday 10 August 2005 @ 8:19 p.m.

I wake up two hours later, shower, and rush to Newark Airport, where American Airlines (now, officially, the worse airline on the planet) locks me out of my flight, even though it hasn’t even started boarding yet. I call Gail and have her look for alternative flights back to LA, while I hit every other airline in the airport, doing the same.

Matty Staudt, the producer of the Alice Morning Radio show in San Francisco, calls regarding an Affleck story that’s running in the NY
Daily News
that morning, in which I joke about fucking my wife as a wedding present to Ben and Jen
Garner. Since JLo’s invoked, the story’s now picked up on the wire service and running everywhere, reaching as far as San Fran. I call in to the show for a half hour and talk to Sarah and No-Name while waiting on a new flight. Afterwards, I email the iChat text from last night to Jen and we talk about it while I taxi over to JFK for a United flight Gail’s found for me that’ll get me into LAX around seven.

At JFK, I check in and hang out in the United lounge for two hours, IM’ing with folks and checking email, then talking to Scott and Jen before boarding.

On the plane, I make a big travel discovery. United runs a flight called United P.S., with routes to/from JFK and LAX that finally makes first class airfare worth the price of admission. They offer sleeper pods, not unlike the sleeper pods the Virgin Atlantic planes sport, handing out personal DVD players to boot. Exhausted from the lack of sleep from the night before, I’m out cold for most of the flight, waking with an hour and a half to go, during which time I write my
Degrassi
dialogue for the episodes Mewes and I are doing at the end of next week.

We land and Jen’s there to pick me up. We grab my bag and head home, going over the iChat incident from the night before.

I get home in time to say g’night to Quinnster, then climb into my woobs, and Jen and I kick back and watch TiVo ‘til we fall asleep.

Thursday 11 August 2005 @ 8:22 p.m.

Wake up, take a shit while playing Tetris, and update my online diary in my office ‘til Jen gets up.

After an hour, we break into an uncharacteristic round of morning sex, during which I even more uncharacteristically get on top, going so far as to stand on the floor and pull Jen to the edge of the bed, fucking her like a 319-pound porn star.

I shower, get dressed, collect some clothing choices, then climb into the Hate Tank with Jen and drive down to San Diego.

On the way down, I talk to Scott for a long time about our
Clerks 2
woes. We’re having difficulty locking up both a female lead and a location, and with a little over a month to go before the proposed start date, it’s looking more and more likely that we’ll have to move our start date yet again.

Jen and I arrive in San Diego two and a half hours later, and while she heads off to the W Hotel to chill, I head over to the set of the UPN series
Veronica Mars
.

Dan Etheridge (the priest in the opening scene of
Dogma
, as well as the voice of Mr. Plug) is the producer on
Veronica
, and he’s asked me to do a cameo in the second episode of the new season. Because the dude’s such an excellent friend (and because I’m a total whore who likes to see his fat self on TV), I jump at the chance to play, of all things, a convenience store employee.

I hang out with Dan a bit, meet the episode’s writer Diane, then shoot the scene with Veronica Mars herself, Kristen Bell. The whole day lasts about five hours, and I have a blast doing it. Afterwards, I say g’bye to Dan and head over to the W to pick up Jen.

I meet Jen up in the room, and we immediately go at it again, fucking for twenty minutes before opting to get on the road and heading home to sleep in our own bed.

On the ride back to LA we rock out, singing power ballads at the top of our lungs and smoking up a storm. It’s one of those really great moments that remind me how really wonderful it is to have a partner.

We get home, climb into our pjs, and go to sleep, watching TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Friday 12 August 2005 @ 8:25 p.m.

Wake up and take a leak. As I’m not eating solids, I find I don’t shit nearly as much as I used to — maybe once a day, max, and rarely in the morning. It kinda throws off my whole day, now.

I shower and head over to the Weight Control Center for my EKG and weigh-in. When I step on the scale, it turns out I’ve lost a hefty seventeen pounds in a week. Most of it’s likely water I’m told but still — seventeen fucking pounds. No wonder I’m fucking like a porn star.

I meet with the counselor and pick up a box of drinks for the week, this time in the pre-made, juice-box packaging.

As I head home, I call Jen with the good news. I ask her if I should wait ‘til I pick up Quinnster to grab new DVDs, and she says to go now instead. I hit her up with the idea of having people over tonight, as a going away party for Bryan Johnson, who’s leaving in the morning for a month-long motorcycle trip. She’s into it, so we immediately start calling folks and inviting them over.

After stopping at Laser Blazer, I call Larry Krug, my trainer, and set up a workout schedule for next week. Since I’m only taking in 800 calories a day, we opt for a Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule to start with, instead of a daily thing.

I get home and check email, while Jen runs over to Bristol to pick up side
dishes. When she gets back, I’m still working in the office as she sets up the deck and sides. Chay and her friend Chris arrive early to help out, and Jen summons me upstairs to prep the meat for the going away barbecue.

By eight, everyone’s arrived, and we wind up with about twenty-five guests, all of whom are treated to filet mignon, swordfish, chicken breast, sirloin, and burgers. I manage to work the grill all night without eating a morsel.

A bunch of us adjourn to the living room and get into some poker. What begins with me, Jen, Chappy, Julie Plec, Malcolm, Andre, Trish, Scott/Cookie, and Joey (with the amusingly drunk Bryan passing in and out of the game), ends with me, Malcolm, Andre, Chappy and Chay’s friend Chris playing ‘til four in the morning, with everyone else either gone home or passed out. Chappy takes off, leaving me, Malcolm, Andre and Chris playing ‘til six-thirty in the morning.

With everyone gone, I head downstairs to my room to find Jen and Harley sprawled out across the bed, leaving me no room. Since Mewes is still back in Jersey, I head to his room instead, closing the black out curtains and watching
Batman Begins
as I fall asleep.

Saturday 13 August 2005 @ 8:25 p.m.

I get up around 11:00 a.m. and head upstairs to the deck, where Jen is cleaning up. Harley joins us, and I go swimming with Quinnster ‘til it’s time for her play-date with Sam, a kid from her school.

I head downstairs and work on updating the online diary for a while, before it’s time to head over to the Valley for a haircut.

Jen and I head over the hill and drop in on Nicole’s for my standard, spiky haircut. It’s the first time I’m getting my shit chopped since before
Catch & Release
, and when Nicole’s done, I look about ten pounds lighter.

Jen and I then hit the frame store to have my
Reel Paradise
poster framed, as well as a vintage Disneyland Monorail poster (to match the vintage Tomorrowland Submarine Voyage poster in my office).

We come home and start watching the
Dallas
season three box set, while I sign a bunch of DVD covers for the online site and the Red Bank Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash.

After Jen puts Harley to bed, we watch more
Dallas
, while I empty out a big, catch-all box of stuff I found buried in my office that dates back to the
Jersey Girl
editing suite, while Jen rides the couch, shopping online.

Eventually, we get into two games of Rummy while watching
Dallas
, before falling asleep to a TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Sunday 14 August 2005 @ 8:31 p.m.

Quinnster wakes us up around seven. I tell her to let the dogs out while I go take a leak, and we head down to her room, so as not to wake Jen up. We watch
Monsters, Inc.
and some of the extras on the DVD, while playing the Guess Who Disney Edition game.

Around ten, we get dressed and head off to Castle Park over in Sherman Oaks, where we play a round of mini-golf. Afterwards, we duck into the castle to play some games, win a bunch of tickets, and redeem them for cheap-ass prizes.

On the way home, we hit Koo Koo Roo for Quinnster’s take-home lunch. I call Jen to see if she wants anything, and then head next door to Coffee Bean for a Banana Carmel Ice Blended for Harley, an iced latte for Jen, and an iced tea for me. Following that, we stop at Quizno’s to grab a veggie sub for Jen, then go back to the house.

I bury myself in my office for most of the day, updating the online diary and getting it onto the site, while Jen and Harley hang out.

After a few hours, Jen suckers me into taking her and Quinnster to the Paul Frank Store, where Harley gets a bunch of new school clothes.

Jen puts Harley to bed, and then her and I play Rummy for the rest of the night, watching more
Dallas
, until we’re too exhausted to play anymore. We fall asleep to TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Monday 15 August 2005 @ 9:38 p.m.

Wake up at 8:45 a.m. and get ready for a workout with Larry, my trainer. I’ve been working out with Larry on and off for four years now. It’s the perfect workout for me because he’s not a drill sergeant about it, and we chit-chat all through it, about movies, relationships, biology, health, finance, South Africa (where he’s from), the celebs he’s trained, and all manner of other things. When your workout begins with a walk of the dogs up the massive hill beside your house, thus killing two birds with one stone, you know you’ve found the acceptable way to exercise.

Having not worked out in over three months, we start lightly. Even so, it still sucks ass, because any bit of exertion is a deviation from my current program of
laying in front of the TV and eating. But the seventeen pounds I’ve lost thus far is an encouragement, so I muddle through the hour and change, before hitting the shower.

Jen and I head to the Beverly Center to look for standing oscillating fans at Restoration Hardware. When we get there, I call Scott, via cell, and talk about the Phil Incident at great lengths.

Mos is probably the most Zen person I know — maybe inching past Alanis by a nose. For thirteen years, he’s been the sober ying to my (sometimes) raging yang. He keeps perspective on a very delicate situation, handling it fairly, even though, at the moment, I’m looking for blood. By the time my cell phone dies, I’m feeling better about the situation.

There are no fans at Restoration, so Jen and I try Bed, Bath and Beyond. No luck there either, but we pick up new standing paper towel racks on the way out. Afterwards, Jen pops into the Grand Lux Café to take home a salad, and we’re off.

We grab smokes at 7-11 then head to Fred Siegel, where I buy shampoo and a frame for a picture I want to give to Scott. Following that, we shoot back across town to pick up Harley from gymnastics camp.

We stop at the Askew offices, where Jen drops Harley and I off and heads to yoga. Byron and Gail are inside, so me and the kid’ll have a ride back. I just wanna pop in on the agent and manager of the actress we’re going after, who’re reading the script in advance of their client to see if she’d even be interested in
Clerks 2
. I chit-chat with them for a bit when they’re done to learn they both really dug the hell out of it, with one of them offering: “I knew it’d be funny, but I wasn’t expecting it to have as much heart as it does.” Then, he offers what I feel is the pitch-perfect compliment: “It’s like the best parts of
Clerks
combined with the best parts of
Chasing Amy
.” They’re going to recommend their client reads it this week, so things’re looking good.

I head home with Byron, Gail and Harley, and chill in the home office, IM’ing with Scott about the actress update and answering email. Then, I’m IM’ing with Matt Potter, at which point we take the conversation to the phone.