My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (51 page)

Bri, Jeff, and Trevor come over to rehearse, and our co-key hair person Janine Thompson stops by to take a look at Trevor’s hair. Janine, Trish, and Jen hang out in the room, downing wine and bullshitting, while the boys and I run through all the scenes upstairs in the living room. Afterwards, when Janine and Trish have left, Jen comes upstairs, and the five of us (Jen, Jeff, Brian, Trevor, and me) sit around the bar, drinking, smoking and bullshitting ‘til two in the morning, having a great time.

Tuesday 4 October 2005 @ 12:07 p.m.

Hit Laser Blazer for new DVDs, then go to TriStar Medical where I learn I’ve lost four more pounds, putting me at the fifty pounds total loss mark in less than two months. I started at 319, and I now weigh 269. I’m staying on the all-liquid phase of the diet ‘til Thanksgiving, which gives me two more months, during which I will hopefully shed another twenty pounds, at least.

I opt against another night of rehearsals, and instead concentrate on locking in Randal’s shirt, which I’ve decided to change at the last minute. Once I saw what a great job the ever-genius Scott Purcell did with Randal’s hat, I decided to switch up his shirt design, and give him something different than what I’d originally intended (a design which will be used elsewhere in the flick). After much thought, it hits me like a cum-shot in the eye:
Ranger Danger
.

I’d pulled together some visual references for what I generally want the lead character of the flick we’re getting to within the next two years to look like, and put Purcell on a path. The man hit me back with utter genius. Just looking at the shirt makes me happy, and I suddenly feel ready to roll on the flick.

Wednesday 5 October 2005 @ 12:08 p.m.

Jen and I pick up Brian O’Halloran and head down to the location for rehearsal. Rosario returns, so we get to go through almost the entire script with almost the entire cast of Jeff, Brian, Rosario, Trevor, and Jen. It all sounds so ready to be shot. We head home around nine.

Thursday 6 October 2005 @ 12:08 p.m.

Do an eleven o’clock phone interview with
New York Magazine
about the AICN talk-back fiasco, then shower and get ready to head down to the location.

We do a full-cast run-through of the entire script for some of the department keys. Afterwards, we take a few pics of the cast for scenes in the movie.

We’re done and home by 6:30.

Friday 7 October 2005 @ 12:12 p.m.

Harley’s sick, so we can’t hit
Curse of the Were-Rabbit
as we’d intended. I spend most of the day printing up scripts and finishing off the
Desperate Housewives
box set with Jen.

At five o’clock, I’ve got an interview upstairs on the deck with Craig Modierno, who’s doing a
New York Times
piece regarding the website collective I’ve created (The ViewAskewniverse, Movie Poop Shoot, My Boring-Ass Life, The Online Secret Stash, Train Wreck) as well as the two I didn’t create but host (NewsAskew and Newsarama at
ViewAskew.com
). During the interview, Vince Rocca arrives with the new Hold ’em McNeil poker table Ming and I came up with for Vince to build. It’s a thing of fucking beauty.

Afterwards, I make my diet soup and kick back for some
Veronica Mars
action with Jen. When it’s done, we pop in
The Big Lebowski
. Ten minutes in, I start rubbing Jen’s back. Twenty minutes in, I start rubbing her front. We turn the flick off, and get into some mutually much-needed loooooove-making. When we’re done, we have the first good convo we’ve been able to have in a week. Then, we turn the flick on again and fall asleep.

Sunday 9 October 2005 @ 12:15 p.m.

Wake up to discover Jen’s really pretty sick. She must’ve caught the bug Harley had the other day, as she can’t keep anything down or in. This pooches our plans of heading down to the location and spending the night together in advance of the first day of shooting, and Jen’s pretty bummed about it.

I spend most of the day packing a month’s worth of clothes, a bunch of DVDs, my drink boxes, and sundry other things I figure I’ll need during production. Even though the location’s only thirty miles away, you’ve gotta take the 5 to get there — and the 5 is one of the most congested freeways in America. So rather than drive home every day after wrap, I’ve opted to stay down at the nearby motel, where we also host the cast dressing rooms (in lieu of trailers), the on-location production offices, and the editing suite for the run of the show.

At 5:30, Mos comes over, and we make our traditional pre-shoot trip to church, hitting Blessed Sacrament on Sunset. There’s additional significance to this particular church, as it was in Blessed Sacrament’s parking lot that I finally hipped Mos to my idea of doing
Clerks 2
, back when we were coming out of our traditional pre-release trip to church the weekend before
Jersey Girl
came out.

I get home, drop Mos at his car, head inside and kiss the kid g’night, then head over to Bristol Farms to grab Jen some soup. Once home again, I set Schwalbach up with her soup, have Mewes load all my shit into the Hate Tank, kiss the sickly and depressed Schwalbach g’bye, and truck down to the location, followed by Jay.

For a guy who’s not in the flick that much, Mewes is excited as hell. He sees the whole thing as a camp-like endeavor, with all of us living out of the motel and walking one minute to set every day. Even though he doesn’t shoot until Tuesday, Mewes insists on coming down tonight and being on set for the first shot.

This is a different Jason Mewes than I’ve ever made a movie with before — something him and I figure out once we’ve dropped our shit at the motel and head over to the drug store together for some essentials. On
Clerks
and
Rats
, he was a drinker/stoner. On
Amy
, he was just getting into heroin. On
Dogma
, he was knee-deep in heroin and Oxycontins (something we didn’t learn ‘til years later). On
Strike Back
he drank the whole show, and then got back into Oxys during the last week. And on
Jersey Girl
— well, he was on the run. This will be the first time I make a flick with a completely clean and sober Mewes. And based on his enthusiasm for something as simple as checking into the motel and getting setup, I’m loving it already.

Settled-in, I say g’night to Jay and retire to my room. There, I do something I rarely find myself doing: I pop in a DVD and actually watch it. Normally, while watching DVDs or TV, I’ll check the board or play video games at the same time. But tonight, I sit on the bed and smoke while simply watching a flick.

Naturally, I watch
Clerks
.

It’s an odd experience. Here I am, thirteen years older than the kid who made that movie, and still, the enthusiasm, the trepidation, the confidence is all the same. I don’t know what drove me back then. Why the fuck did I think I could make a film? What the fuck makes me think I can make a film now? And why the fuck am I doing a follow-up to the first film I ever made, possibly tainting the good will and fondness people hold for that spit-and-glue production? Is this re-visitation to Quick Stop and Company as bad a move as some folks have theorized? Will this latest foray into the lives of the pilgrims of the Askewniverse ever hold up to the OG journey? Am I out of my fucking mind?

And then, halfway through the flick, I get all the answers I need to step onto that set tomorrow morning. I love these characters. I love their story. And just as their original story reflected my life over a decade ago, this new chapter in their fictional lives closely follows my arc as well.

This is a story about me and Scott. This is a story about me and Jen. This is a story about me and Bry and Walt; about me and Mewes. And, yes — this is even a story, to some degree, about me and Harley.

And while the external trappings of my life are certainly different than they were twelve years ago, the song remains the same: I want to make a film about me and my friends, for me and my friends. I want to take a snapshot of a particular time in my life, when I was at (and still am at) a crossroad. This isn’t a return to the roots; the roots — even in
Jersey Girl
— have always been maintained. Like that first flick — like every flick I’ve ever done — this is just a way for me to hurl a message into the void to see if anyone else is out there; to see if my human experience is echoed by others. The only difference this time around is that it’ll all look a lot better.

Which is not to say that
Clerks
looked bad. In watching it again tonight, haters-be-damned, I find a new appreciation for the simplicity of the shot composition. I joke around a lot about the standard two-shot I did (and still do), but it’s not there because I don’t know how to or am unwilling to do any other kind of shot: I do it because it tells a story. So much of my life is spent standing beside someone in conversation; that two-shot reflects this. It may not be Scorsese-cool, but it not only serves my purpose; it’s how I see life. And I got into film in the first place because I wanted to show people how I see life.

That being said, I now also see life in other dimensions as well (singles, overs, etc), so expect a better looking flick overall.

And funnier, too. In re-watching
Clerks
, I put to sleep any remaining demons that sat on my shoulder and whispered doubts of “You’ll never be able to catch them by surprise again.” This time around, I’d wager the laugh count is higher, scene-per-scene, and that the places we go in conversation are even edgier than “How many dicks have you sucked?!” And it’s all wrapped up in this bittersweet undercurrent of two guys, well, one really, who’s desperately trying to hold onto the only world he’s ever known and felt at home in.

Kinda like me.

Please, God — don’t let me fuck this up.

Monday 10 October 2005 @ 3:44 p.m.

Production begins. This’ll be the first film since
Clerks
in which I don’t begin the day with a breakfast burrito (as I’m still full throttle on the liquid diet). In fact, this will be the first film ever in which (if I’m able to maintain my diet throughout the show) I don’t gain weight during the run of the show.

The set looks amazing. Ratface and his crew worked up ‘til the last minute to make a living, breathing fast food joint that doesn’t really exist. All the details are in place: the worn down, scratched counter, the grease stains caking the walls, the logo-stamped bags, cups, and wrapping — it’s all there.

However, we’re not on the main floor of the restaurant today. This day’s shooting is gonna be spent in Becky’s back office, doing three scenes that total up to roughly seven pages of the script — ironically the same amount of pages we shot on the first day of the OG
Clerks
. And while, also similarly, it’s pretty much all Dante and a girl, this time around, it won’t be a seven minute single take. For the lion’s share of the pages, we’ve got about ten set-ups planned; ten set-ups for one conversation.

The day goes swimmingly. Brian delivers, and Rosario can do no wrong. The chick oozes chemistry, and even when she’s not delivering lines, she’s still giving me tons to cut with. Dawson can hold a frame like a fat man holds his lunch tray.

We wrap without quite finishing all the work we’d set out to do (we owe an eighth of a page from the third scene we’d planned to shoot), but everybody’s ecstatic — because what we did shoot was gold.

All day, Mewes and I plan a trip to Target to grab sheets and other essentials (never sleep on hotel sheets if you can avoid it, unless you dig rolling around in dried jizz). Rosario’s staying down at the location tonight as well, so she opts to take the ride with us. On the way home, we stop by a Thai food place so she can get something to eat, and plan to head over to the Bicycle Casino to celebrate a successful first day with poker.

I get back to the hotel and call the sickly Schwalbach to check in and see if she’s doing any better, only to hear in her voice that she’s not on the mend. In addition to her physical condition, she’s also nursing a case of the blues, having missed the first day and feeling like the train has kinda left without her. At this point, I decide to scrap poker for the night and drive home to see Jen, and try to lift her spirits. I leave Mewes and Rosario to watch some DVDs and chill, while I speed back home.

Jen’s caught by total surprise at my return, and immediately, her spirits are lifted. Still, she’s weak and achy, so I hang with her for about two hours, then head back to the location, getting into the room around midnight. I pop in
Empire Falls
to which I fall asleep around two.

Tuesday 11 October 2005 @ 3:45 p.m.

Up at six to block and shoot the ATM scene, in which Mewes and I debut as Jay and Silent Bob in the background of the shot. We’re working in the third shot of the day, so I get hauled off to the hair and makeup trailer, where Tricia Sawyer does my face and Nicole Venables does my hair and beard. I peep out Mewes in his full, new “Jay” ensemble, and the only remaining issue is what hat to put him in. We have the ol’
Rats
skull cap on standby, but the rest of his outfit’s so dark, another piece of black clothing (like the skull cap) would make him more Johnny Cash than Jay, so we start coming up with alternate head gear. Having just watched
Clerks
again the other night, I opt to throw a baseball cap on him again. But both of us in caps looks weird. Then, I ask Roseanne to rip the brim off the baseball cap Mewes is sporting at the moment. She does, and suddenly, with the addition of a pin, we’ve got the full Jay look locked and loaded.

We spend the whole day shooting the very funny, funny scene (which is predominantly Dante and Randal, before they’re joined by Becky), and wrap around six thirty, after grabbing a few shots from the Becky office scene we didn’t get to the day before.

After wrap, I talk to Jen (who’s feeling much better), and head off to the Bicycle Casino with Mewes. We play ‘til midnight, then head back to the hotel, where I get about four hours of sleep.