My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (52 page)

Wednesday 12 October 2005 @ 3:46 p.m.

We spend most of the day shooting a tent-pole scene that features Dante, Randal, Becky, Elias. Wanda Sykes and the comedian Earthquake join us for the day, and they take two small roles and knock ’em out of the park, proving to be fantastic casting choices. Everyone’s in top form, and we get through the planned first chunk of the three-chunk scene that’s spread over two days. When we wrap, I head to the editing suite, where three days worth of footage awaits me.

I love editing, as it’s almost like getting to do another draft of the script. I slip behind the Avid for the first time since
Jersey Girl
, and in a matter of minutes, it all comes back to me. I’m off-and-running, cutting the ATM scene, while next door, Mewes, Mos, Rosario, Brian, Trevor, Location-James, and Mewes’s friend/Jeff’s stand-in D.K. play poker and down beers (Red Bull for Mewes, natch).

When I get the ATM scene done, I bring ’em all next door to peep it out. Everyone’s psyched with the results, so I send them back to their poker game and chit-chat with Mos a bit while cutting. He heads to bed at one in the morning, and I opt to do the same... until I decide to cut just a little bit more of the third scene: the monster office scene between Brian and Rosario. The plan is to cut just the Randal opening of the sequence, but I keep going until I get through a fine-cut of the entire scene.

Thursday 13 October 2005 @ 3:46 p.m.

Upon completion of the editing of the monster office scene, I open the door to the editing suite to see not only daylight, but also the crew eating breakfast at the location below. Lalida the P.A. tells me they’re requesting I come down to set to block the first shot. I haven’t slept at all in twenty-four hours, so I stumble to set, un-showered, and sleepily set up the first shot.

After blocking, I bring Jeff, Brian, and Rosario back to the editing suite, and show them their three scenes, fully fine cut. They’re all a little surprised at how finished the scenes are, but are more delighted than anything else at how insanely well they come off, and how funny and sweet the scenes are. It puts a spring in their steps that results in them going even more hog-wild in the scenes we shoot for the rest of the day.

All day, between set-ups, I’m rushing back to my room to try to grab some sleep. Each time, though, I get about ten minutes before it’s time to go back to the set and shoot. Byron and Gail bring Harley down around lunchtime, and I escort her around the set, showing her the face restaurant. Being my kid, she’s far more interested in the craft service table, and the “free” Milano cookies contained therein.

Lunch ends, and I kiss Harley g’bye and go back to work. At the next break between set-ups, I’ve got a half hour while Dave and his crew re-light, so I bury myself in my room and sleep. I get the knock on the door and stumble out to see Jen’s arrived with Chay. I give Jen a kiss and hug and drag my tired ass down to the set, where we finish out the day.

At wrap, I head upstairs to see Jen and crew. She’s getting her hair done by Nicole, and has already turned her room into party central, with everyone hanging out and drinking/bullshitting. I hit the editing suite to check on the previous day’s footage, and discover there’s a shot we’ve gotta re-do — which is convenient, as we’re at this location for quite a while. I let Mos and Tony know, then kiss Jen g’night, give her my room key, and head to bed around 9:30.

At 11:30 p.m., an inebriated Schwalbach wakes me up. Cranky and exhausted, we get into it a bit (instead of simply fucking, which would’ve made a lot more sense), and she goes to sleep in her dressing room, while I crash in mine.

SPOILERS BELOW!!!

Friday 14 October 2005 @ 3:55 p.m.

Back when we were making
Clerks
, there was so little to worry/care about beyond making the flick itself. Now, in the age of the internet, the playing field has changed considerably. As quiet as we’ve been able to keep the details of the flick, all it takes is one joker with a camera to spoil the virgin viewing of the flick for anyone with access to a computer.

So I’m gonna be that joker.

We’ve had a few snipers with cameras lurking around the set, so rather than let them get images of our flick out there, I’d rather do it myself. I’m gonna burn down this village to save it. Sucks that I’ve gotta do it, but then again, maybe it doesn’t.

So here’s a pic of our movie that kinda lets the cat out of the bag (somewhat)...

[The website ran a picture of Trevor Fehrman, Brian O’Halloran, Rosario Dawson and Jeff Anderson, standing in front of the counter in Mooby’s.]

Based on this image, I’ll pre-answer some of the queries I can already hear buzzing through your heads:

Does this tell the whole story? No.

Is our movie
Waiting 2
? No.

What about Quick Stop?

What about it?

Is it still in there?

Of course.

Is there a God?

Yes. It’s either a Supreme Being who crafted the universe and plots all our moves outside of the free will choices we make, or Clapton. I lean toward the former — especially after shooting
Clerks 2
for the last week. Because God’s been good to us — inasmuch as, thus far, it’s a funny, wonderful-looking film. The performances of the main cast have been tight and spot-on, and the day players have been great as well. I don’t know if the flick’ll live up to anyone else’s expectations, but it’s sure as fuck met and exceeded mine (I should point out, however, that as a fat man, I maintain very low expectations when it comes to anything in life but lard-based food). Can’t wait to share it with ya’ll.

Back to work for me.

I wake up, shower, and head downstairs to the set, setting up the first shot of the day. When I emerge, I see Schwalbach, already awake, and standing on her balcony. She joins me downstairs and we do a post-fight wrap up, while Dave and company shoot some inserts that don’t involve the actors. I get Schwalbach fed and pumped with coffee, and head in to the set to shoot some Dante and Randal stuff.

After setting up the next shot, I head upstairs to find Jen, Chay, Jay and Trevor hanging out in Mewes’ room. I tell Jen I’ve got about twenty minutes, and we immediately retire to her dressing room, where we fuck for fifteen of those twenty minutes. Then, we chit-chat a bit, and I head back down to the set, a few ounces lighter.

Most of the day is spent shooting the back exterior scene with Jeff, Brian, Rosario, Jay and I. It’s a steadi-cam shot, and Brian and Jeff tear it up — resulting in a funny, tight, good-looking scene. At day’s end, we grab a pair of insert shots we owed from Monday, and at wrap, I take the cast and crew out to Medieval Times for a wrap-of-first-week-of-shooting celebration.

Afterwards, we head back to the motel, where I show Rosario’s boyfriend Jason all the cut scenes, and then Jen and I head back to Los Angeles, getting to sleep in our own bed.

Saturday 15 October 2005 @ 3:47 p.m.

I wake up and chit-chat with Jen about the day’s schedule. Byron and Gail are heading up to Big Bear, and Jen wants to hit a yoga class, so I elect to be on Harley duty all day. I shower, get dressed, load Quinnster into the car, and head to the Weight Control Center, where I learn that I’ve lost another six pounds, bringing me to 263 and my current weight loss to fifty-six pounds.

Afterwards, Harley and I hit Laser Blazer, then shoot over to Sony to do some more
Catch
looping with Susannah. Thankfully, Susannah’s brought her daughter as well, so the girls occupy one another while I do about twenty on-camera and off-camera ADR lines. I get to see even more of
Catch
which looks great.

Harley and I head home, and fifteen minutes after we get there, Jen calls from Crunch to say she needs a ride home. I load Quinnster back into the car, and we pick up Jen, grabbing smokes on the way home.

While Jen putters, Harley and I lay in my bed watching
Kicking and Screaming
during which I fall asleep.

Three hours later, I wake up, and Jen and I watch
Land of the Dead
, while I check email. After that, we watch the
Amityville Horror
remake, then do
Simpsons
eps ‘til we fall asleep.

Sunday 30 October 2005 @ 6:57 p.m.

My apologies for the lack of updates, but we’ve been pretty fucking busy. Week 3 is wrapped, and tomorrow, we start our second to last week on the show. Both cast and crew continue to dazzle. I continue to dream about getting more sleep, as I spend all day on set, then lock myself in the editing room ‘til usually two or three in the morning. I may be sleepy, but I’ve cut every frame of film we’ve shot already, resulting in one hour of the movie completely assembled. The simultaneous-to-shooting editorial has been tremendously helpful in allowing us to go back to scenes and shoot any missing pieces I didn’t know we’d need, or allow me to revisit scenes I feel need a bit more (or less) detail. If you’re ever gonna make a flick, cut it (yourself) while you’re shooting, kids; you won’t regret it.

We went an extra day last week, shooting on Saturday to get Lee on his
Earl
-free day. The Randal/Lance showdown is a real highlight of the flick, but the award for scene-of-the-week goes to Mewes. When you see the film, you’ll know what I mean.

Saturday 12 November 2005 @ 9:07 a.m.

We celebrate the LA wrap of
Clerks II
with a party up at the house. I play poker most of the night, and Trevor’s band plays out on the deck, joined for three songs by Sarah. Everyone seems to have a great time.

While most of the keys are coming with us to NJ for the three-day shoot there, a bunch of the crew isn’t being flown out (due to budget constraints). I’ll miss ’em all. Fifty percent comprised of folks who’d worked on
Clerks
,
Mallrats
,
Chasing Amy
,
Dogma
,
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
and
Jersey Girl
, plus another fifty percent of new, excellent cats, this was easily the best crew I’ve ever worked beside. It’s my intention to bring everyone back on the next flick we shoot, whatever that may be. But for now, the least I can do is throw them a thank you shindig, which wraps at about four in the morning.

Tuesday 15 November 2005 @ 9:33 a.m.

After wrap tonight, I took Jen up to NYC to peep out the latest staging of Sondheim’s
Sweeney Todd
at the Eugene O’Neil Theater on 49th. Anyone who’s seen
Jersey Girl
(all six of you) know what a
Todd
-fag I am, as the flick closes with a grade school rendition of ‘God, That’s Good!’ — the show-stopping Act 2 starter from the grisly play about a vengeance-bent barber who cuts throats and sends the freshly dead below to the meat pie shop run by his partner in crime, Mrs Lovett, who promptly serves them up as the best pies in London. Grim, fun stuff, this musical — as it has been since 1979.

But this current version of
Sweeney
is not my favorite incarnation of the production. I wasn’t a fan of the Beckett-like approach to the normally grand guignol material. I didn’t dig on the actors doubling as the orchestra. I missed the upstairs/downstairs set and the fabled barber chair. I didn’t cotton to the actors not delivering their dialogue to one another, and instead casting their performances out at the audience. Maybe I’m revealing myself as a traditionalist, so mired in memory that he’s closed-minded to new ideas, but Doyle’s vision of
Todd
wasn’t my cup of tea. I guess I’m just an old fuddy-duddy, but it would seem the gushing
NY Times
reviewer and I saw two different shows (though this wouldn’t be the first time the
Times
and I didn’t see eye-to-eye; anyone remember their
Jersey Girl
review; makes my
Todd
review seem like a Joel Siegel-like rave).

That all being said, the cast was great (Patti LuPone’s Mrs Lovett, while very different from Angela Lansbury’s, was still really enjoyable), and kudos to them all for pulling off the score while acting as well.

To me, more interesting than what was going on on stage that night was the fact that Angela Lansbury was sitting in the row ahead of me, five seats over. My heart went out to Patti LuPone: how nervewracking that must’ve been for the former
Evita
to be assayed by everyone’s favorite Cabot Cove-ian — the OG Nellie Lovett — as she brought to life her version of the beloved character in an already controversial mounting of the Sondheim classic! I’d be lying if I said I didn’t glance over in Mrs Potts’ direction more than once during the show to see if she was as crestfallen as I was that the hallmarks of
Todd
s past weren’t in evidence (for the record, she seemed to dig on the show).

My God, all this theater talk! I’m such a gay man in denial, aren’t I?

Quickly! Must... fuck... beard...

WIFE! I meant WIFE!

Tuesday 22 November 2005 @ 4:33 p.m.

Spent an hour responding to a Talk-Back thread at Ain’t It Cool News. Peep it here...

http://viewaskew.com/theboard/viewtopic.php?p=1273146#1273146

Why do they make it so easy?

Friday 16 December 2005 @ 9:01 a.m.

Tonight, we had a small, private test screening of sorts over in Burbank. We put up a 1:38 cut of the flick in front of about thirty-five View Askew message board folks, thirty-five friends and folks whose opinions we trust, and twenty west coast Weinstein Company colleagues.

The screening went amazingly well — fucking gangbusters, really. I was delighted to finally show the flick to people outside of the inner circle. We held a focus group afterwards that yielded some great input, but what was most helpful was just sitting in the back, listening to audience reaction during the screening. As a result, I found some more places to make trims in the flick.

The plan is to take the flick to Cannes in May (if they’ll have us) and come out in either August or September.