My Dating Disasters Diary (26 page)

We went to the concert early because I was too excited to
sit at home any more and Stephanie likes to watch the
guys who haul things about on stage before the band
comes on.

A security person took our tickets, noted the number
and said, 'Right, you're the ones that are meeting Jason
back stage after the show. Wait till I come for you and for
God's sake don't go telling anyone about it. You'll get
lynched.'

Bernadette had got us fantastic seats right at the front.
At first the place was nearly empty but gradually the hall
filled to bursting point.

The supporting band came on first. They were OK, I
suppose, but everyone just wanted to see Smashed and
couldn't be bothered with them. Especially me. When
they finished I applauded loudly though. Partly because
I felt sorry for them and partly relief that I'd see Jason
soon.

However, another ten minutes crawled by and still
Smashed hadn't come on. Everyone started to chant, 'We
want Smashed. We want Smashed.'

At last the lights dimmed then came up again and, oh
my God, there
they
were. I was sitting, like, only about
five metres from Jason. And he looked even more
gorgeous in real life.

Everyone stood up, then started screaming and cheering.
I shouted, 'Jason, I'm over here,' but I don't think he
heard me because of the noise.

When they launched into the first song, people
quietened down, just waving their arms and dancing
along to the beat. The band did a few fast songs, then
Jason came right to the front of the stage and did a solo
love song.

I swear our eyes met and his gaze held mine for the
entire number as he sang, '
Baby, baby, baby, I love you'
. It
was as though we were the only two people there, right
until the end, when I got knocked to the ground and
trampled on as people behind me surged to the front
and had to be pushed back by security men.

Never mind. None of those desperate idiots would get
to meet Jason one to one. Only me.

After the show the security man who'd checked our
tickets came up to us and hissed, 'Right, you two, come
with me and keep your mouths shut.'

So it was really going to happen. I was going to see
Jason. Talk to him. Oh my God.

He took us through a side door into a corridor at the
back of the stage, then stopped at another door and
knocked, giving his name and code which I didn't
catch.

The door opened and
he
came out. Stood right in front
of me. Near enough to touch.

Jason said, 'Hi, Kelly Ann. Great to meet you.'

He said my name. He said Kelly Ann. That's me. I
gazed at his gorgeous face and felt my knees tremble,
then my throat closed up so that I could hardly breathe. I
opened my lips to speak but my tongue had dried up and
was sticking to the roof of my mouth.

I said, 'Nnnnng.'

Jason said, 'So how are you doing?'

I said, 'Nnnnng mmm nnnng.'

Oh God, what was happening to me? I must have
sounded like a constipated orang-utan.

Jason said, 'Hope you liked the show. Cool T-shirt. Did
you get it from my fan club site?'

I closed my mouth, which had been hanging open, and
pressed my lips to together. This time I would form
proper words like a normal person.
I would
. Tried
again.

I said, ' '

Nothing. Not a sound. I'd lost the power of speech.

Maybe I'd never talk again.

'I'll sign it for you if you like.'

I said, ' '

Stephanie said, 'Oh, for God's sake,' and handed him
a pen.

He started to sign the sleeve of my T-shirt. Actually
touched it, so I could feel the heat of his fingers through
the thin material.

He said, 'Well, it's been great talking to you anyway.'

Then I fainted. Totally passed out.

Stephanie told me later that Jason picked me up and
carried me to the medical room, where he put me on the
bed. He stayed with me while a paramedic examined me;
then his manager came and told him his car was waiting,
and the paramedic said that I was round. Then he asked,
'Sure she's OK?'

Stephanie said I wasn't but the paramedic said I was
fine now, and he'd better be off or I might just pass out
again when I saw him. Then Jason left.

Jason had picked me up. Actually held me. And I don't
remember it. The most important moment of my entire
life and I was unconscious. Don't believe it.

Bernadette called to ask how I was. She'd been talking to
Jason on the phone and he'd asked if I was OK.

Jason asked if I was OK. So he must really care.

Thinking quickly, I said, 'Oh yeah, I'm fine. It was just,
you know, the heat that got to me. The hall was
so
stuffy.
Look, if you give me his number I'll call him myself and
tell him.'

'Sorry, Kelly Ann, I don't know his mobile number. But
he's coming over to our house later for an hour or so before
flying back to London. I'll let him know you're fine.'

Oh my God. Another chance to see Jason – this time I
vowed I wouldn't make an idiot of myself. But
Bernadette was really reluctant to let me visit her house,
so I had to beg and plead with her for ages, at the same
time frantically getting myself ready for him. Finally she
gave in. She didn't have an exact time for his visit, and I
didn't want to risk missing a moment with him, so as
soon as I was ready I got Dad to drive me over. I'd wait
for Jason there.

Hadn't asked Bernadette for directions but fortunately
Dad knew the area well so he found the street no problem
and dropped me off outside her house.

Bernadette 's house looked ordinary from the outside
but I nearly freaked when I went in. The hall was painted
black and lit with candles, and there was a large red
pentacle drawn on the floor.

The living room was more normal, but her mum, who
was sitting watching TV, was definitely not. She was
dressed in a long white robe decorated with strings of
beads and shells. On her head she wore a wreath of
twisted leaves which I found out later were 'magical'
herbs.

Bernadette 's mum is apparently a white witch. I was
not to worry about the hall decorations, which were for
protection against evil forces and not a place to practise
the Dark Arts. Actually, she was very nice and friendly,
but totally bonkers of course. No wonder poor Bernadette
tried so hard to be ordinary and boring.

Once I'd got used to Bernadette's odd mum I started to
panic about meeting Jason. What if I just keeled over
again? How could Jason ever get to know me and, when
I'm old enough, ask me out if I was constantly unconscious
when we were together?

It didn't help that he was late: my stomach was twisted
into knots by the time the doorbell rang. Bernadette's
mum went to answer it but I stayed on the couch trying
to breathe normally. If I stayed sitting down, I couldn't
faint, could I?

Didn't recognize Jason straight away as he'd on dark
glasses and a baseball hat – I suppose to disguise himself
from fans or the media. Didn't recognize the girl with him
either to begin with, as she was wearing a hat and sun
specs too.

Jason took off his hat and glasses, then, looking at me,
said, 'Hi, how are you? You feeling OK now?' He turned
to the girl, who was a stunning blonde and seemed
vaguely familiar. 'That's the kid I was telling you about.
Bernadette's friend, who passed out.'

His girlfriend is called Grace. She's a successful actress
who's appeared in quite a lot of Australian soaps. Despite
this she wasn't stuck up at all and chatted to Bernadette
and me like we were equals. A really friendly, lovely
person in fact. Have never hated anyone so much in my
life.

Stephanie and Liz were really sympathetic when I told
them.

Liz said, 'Gorgeous looking, famous
and
nice. You'd
think she'd have the decency to be a horrible person you
could hate without feeling guilty. Bitch.'

Stephanie flicked through a magazine to find a picture
of Grace wearing a bikini which clearly showed a bit of
cellulite on her thighs but it didn't help much. The truth
is, Jason had called me a 'kid' and that's all I'd ever be to
him. The idea of him ever being my boyfriend, even
in a few years' time, was about as real as Leo had been.

I know Liz and Stephanie were trying to cheer me up
but they don't really understand how I feel. I don't feel
guilty or angry. I feel totally humiliated and stupid.
Which is much, much worse.

Both of them offered to come round and keep me company tonight.
Stephanie said she'd give me a makeover but with definitely no waxing involved.
Liz suggested a DVD with pizza and promised not to psychoanalyse me. But I
turned them down. Knew I'd be about as much fun tonight as a wet duvet at
a sleepover.

Instead I came home and moped. Even my family noticed
there was something up with me. Mum asked, 'What's up
with your face?'

'Nothing.'

'Hmm, so how come you look like a hen that's trying
to lay a pineapple then?'

Charming.

Dad said, 'Leave the girl alone, Moira. Can't you see
she's upset? You could try a bit of diplomacy, you know.'
He turned to me and said with a kindly smile, 'Cheer up,
love, it might never happen.'

That was it. 'That's the whole sodding point,' I
screamed. 'It
isn't
going to happen. Nothing is going to
happen. Ever. In my whole life. I'll just go on and on,
living in this house day after day, with nothing ever
happening until I rot and die of old age and am buried, an
old maid in a white coffin.'

I ran out, banging the door behind me. Once in my
room I threw myself on my bed and sobbed with
frustration. After a few minutes Angela tapped softly on
my door and whispered, 'Kelly Ann?'

Thought of ignoring her but eventually decided to let
her in. It was nice of her, I suppose, to be concerned about
me. OK, Angela and I didn't have much in common but
she was my sister after all. We shared a genetic bond, a
house and bloody awful parents. Maybe talking to her
about my devastated life would help.

I opened the door but she didn't come in. Instead, she
said, 'Kelly Ann, did you borrow my pink lip gloss again?
It's Graham's favourite and we're going out tonight.'

Hmm, or then again, maybe it wouldn't.

I denied the lip-gloss theft, but after she threatened to
ransack my room I took it from its hiding place (in my
right trainer underneath the bed) and handed it over. She
left without even saying thank you.

I put on some music to cheer myself up, but either they
were really sad songs about lost loves which depressed
me, or really happy songs about people totally loved up
which depressed me even more.

It was nearly eight o'clock when someone tapped on
my door again. Probably Angela looking for her dusky
plum eye shadow. Bollocks. I thought she'd already gone.
I took the eye shadow from its hiding place in my pencil
case and opened the door, saying, 'Here, take it. I hope it
chokes you.'

Chris said, 'No thanks, Kelly Ann. It's not really my
colour.'

Was never so glad to see anyone. I knew Chris
wouldn't mind if I was lousy company. If I didn't feel like
talking, he'd just sit and mess about with the computer or
PlayStation until I felt like saying something or joining in.
He was the only person who could really deal with me
in this kind of mood.

He came in, sat on the floor beside my bed and said,
'Liz and Stephanie called me. Said you needed cheering
up. Want to play Monopoly? I'll even let you cheat
tonight.'

Didn't approve of this interference by my friends of
course, and will have words with them tomorrow, but
actually I was glad Chris had come as I was getting fed up
being miserable on my own.

Got the board out. I love PlayStation games but
Monopoly is still my favourite. Most people won't play
with me any more as I get seriously competitive about it
and won't quit until I've bankrupted everyone, even if
it does take twelve hours and people's wrists have seized
up from dice rolling (which I so didn't believe). So, yeah,
I decided it just might take my mind off things tonight.

We spent ages playing Monopoly, which I eventually
won without cheating too much, then just messed about
on my computer until nearly midnight, when Dad came
in and said, 'I'd better drive you home now, son. Any
later and your parents will be waiting by the phone
expecting a ransom demand.'

Dad gave us 'five more minutes' to finish off what
we'd been doing. Actually this was nothing now but I
didn't want Chris to leave right away. I hadn't spent so
much time with him in a while and it was great to know
we were as close as ever. Maybe even closer somehow.

Before he left I said, 'Promise me you'll never change,
Chris.'

'I can't promise that, Kelly Ann. Everyone changes.'

'Suppose. What I mean is, we'll always be friends,
won't we? You'll still want to see me, no matter what
happens? Still have time for me?'

He stared at me silently for a moment, then said
slowly, 'I'll always have time for you, Kelly Ann.'

'Even if you get another girlfriend,' I persisted.
'Promise me.'

'I promise.' He paused then continued, 'And if she's
the right girl, I expect I'll see you as much as ever. Maybe
more.'

God, I hoped the next one was OK and not some
jealous, stupid liar like Emily. Maybe she'd even be someone
I could like and get on with. Someone more like me.
Yeah, that would be great.

Went Christmas shopping with Mum straight after school
and passed the place where the fortune-teller had been
but her stall wasn't there any more.

She'd been eerily right about my meeting famous
people, and it having an effect on my life, although the
effect had been pretty traumatic both times. Remembered
that she also said I'd find True Love early in life but
there's been no sign of that so far. In fact, I'm practically
the only girl in my year who's never had a boyfriend. Not
even a single date.