My Dating Disasters Diary (28 page)

Woke at eleven thirty today so only had time for exfoliating
bit. Didn't have the exfoliating product Stephanie
recommended – expensive stuff with marine mineral
extracts of Atlantic phyto-plankton – but scrubbed every
square inch of my skin with pumice stone and an
exfoliater made from sugar, which I'd heard can work
almost as well.

I'm sure it probably did my skin good even if I was a
bit red and sore afterwards and Mum said I looked like
a boiled, skinned rabbit. But just so long as I am beautiful
when G finally sees me I don't care.

However, I did feel bit sticky afterwards – maybe it's
salt and not sugar you're supposed to use. Think I'll
create my own beauty regime next year instead of relying
on Stephanie.

New Year's Eve. It was nearly midnight and all the adults
were totally plastered. Mum and Dad had fallen out three
times already but had made up again; they were now
supposedly doing a Highland fling, though it looked
more like they were trying to swat flies while jogging on
ice.

The only consolation was that the rest of the grownups
were equally bad and all the curtains were shut so no
one could see them.

Chris and I moved into the hall and sat down on the
stairs. Although we could still hear drunken singing and
guffawing coming from the living room, we could now
talk in relative peace.

We chatted for a while about how embarrassing drunk
adults were, then talked about last year and what might
happen in the coming one.

'Conner says she's going to have to finish the
Romeo
and Juliet
we started last year but from a different viewpoint,'
I said. 'Wonder what she means.'

Chris said, 'She'll probably give us assignments like
Romeo was a useless tosser and Juliet should have dumped him.
Discuss
.'

I laughed. 'Maybe. Seriously though, do you think
people our age can find real True Love like they did?'

Chris thought for a moment then said, 'Yeah, I do. In
fact I'm sure it happens.'

'But how would you know it was real love and not just
a crush?'

'I'd just know. Definitely.'

I smiled happily. 'Me too.'

'Kelly Ann,' Chris said, 'there's something I need to
tell you. Something I've been thinking about for a long
time now. I—'

But whatever he was going to say would have to wait
because Mum was calling us into the living room. It was
nearly time for The Bells. I grabbed an Irn Bru and Dad
gave Chris a beer. I volunteered to get Angela a glass of
wine from the kitchen as she was busy picking blue fluff
off her skirt.

Handed her the glass, holding the stem carefully so as
to avoid leaving greasy fingermarks like she'd told me
before. She took it from me without seeming to notice my
thoughtfulness as she was still engrossed in her neverending
task.

We counted: '
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three,
two, one. Happy New Year!
'

Chris and I moved over to a corner of the room to
avoid the orgy of slobbery kisses and drunken hugs
adults seem to think essential at this time. We sat on the
floor and I looked over at Angela, who was struggling to
unstick her fingers from the wine glass I'd smeared with
superglue earlier.

Well, OK, maybe I wouldn't be totally grown up this
year. Not all the time anyway.

Chris glanced at Angela too, then smiled at me.
'Happy New Year, Kelly Ann.'

We clinked glasses and I smiled back. 'Happy New
Year, Chris.'

And, oh God, I hoped it would be. Maybe this would
be the happiest, most important new year of my life. The
year when, like Juliet, I would find True Love (but not top
myself of course); the year when I would finally be totally
sorted and grown up. This could be the most amazing
year of my entire life.

Hmmm . . . or then again, maybe this was the year I
would make a total idiot of myself and remain the only
virgin lips in the senior school except for Patricia
McPherson.

I looked at Chris's smiling face anxiously. Liz and
Stephanie had warned me against confiding my secret to
Chris tonight. But if he couldn't understand me, who
would? It was time he knew too.

'Chris,' I said, 'I've got something I want to tell
you . . .'

If I were blonde, the flat chest and spots wouldn't matter
so much. Honestly, you could have two heads and if
one of them is blonde some bloke is going to fancy you,
but with mouse-brown hair you have to try a lot
harder.

It's so depressing. Even my parents have noticed
there's something the matter with me. My dad keeps
telling me to cheer up, it might never happen. Ha ha. My
mum sometimes looks up from the TV long enough to ask
what's up with my face.

Have tried to explain how I feel to them. How if they
won't let me bleach my hair then the least they could do
is pay for breast implants but the response was typical.
My dad said not to be so daft, I was fine as I was. My
mum just laughed and told me I would know all about it
when I was approaching forty and my nipples fell to my
knees. That's what happened to her because she'd been a
good mother and breast-fed my sister and me and what
thanks does she get for it? And she said if she ever met
that eejit of a nurse who'd advised her on baby care
again she'd tell her where to stick her 'Breast Is Best'
pamphlet.

But she bought me a Wonderbra and a bottle of
Clearasil spot buster for Christmas anyway.

The bra didn't work. As my mum said, no amount of
rigging is going to make a cleavage out of two fried eggs.
My dad said: 'Why do you always have to call a spade a
bloody shovel, Moira? You'll give the girl a complex and
she's fine as she is.'

The spots are worse than ever too. My mum says if I
were more like my big sister Angela and didn't eat so
much chocolate my skin would clear up, but my Aunt
Kate says it's my hormones and my dad says they should
all leave me alone and that I'm fine as I am.

It's obvious my family are no help at all. They don't
understand what it's like being practically the only girl in
the fourth year who hasn't had a boyfriend yet. Only
Patricia McPherson is in the same boat as me and she's so
ugly even my dad couldn't say she's fine as she is. If she
gets a boyfriend before me I'll die of humiliation.

Besides, I'm in love with G. There, I've said it. If you
read this, Mum (I know what you're like), it isn't even his
real initial so you'll never guess. G is the most gorgeous
guy in the whole school and absolutely everyone fancies
him like mad. Well, all the females anyway. Well, all the
females except Liz and Stephanie who say he's a tosser
and so up himself it's not true, but they just say that to
annoy me. Liz and Stephanie are my best friends but they
can be a total pain sometimes.

Anyway, I need to become beautiful so that G will fall madly
in love with me back and tell everyone I'm his girlfriend and maybe even ask
me out. On a date.

Since I'm not blonde or busty I'll just have to concentrate
on making every part of my body as perfect as possible,
so here are my New Year beauty resolutions:

1. To cleanse, tone and moisturize my skin every
   morning and evening without fail. Even when I'm
   late for school and I can't find my gym stuff and I
   have to get a copy of my maths homework from
   Liz before first period. Absolutely no excuses.
   
2. Never
   ever
   to squeeze another spot, no matter how
   much I may want to, even if it is right on the end
   of my nose or chin.
   
3. To leave my hair conditioner in for at least three
   minutes every time I wash my hair and always to
   buy hair products from a proper chemist and
   never
   ever
   make my own from 'cheap, natural
   ingredients you can find in your own kitchen'. If
   I'm tempted I only have to remember the vinegar
   rinse that made me smell like a fish and chip shop.
   Or worse, the shampoo made from Dad's beer
   that had me grounded for a week and threatened
   with Alateen.
   
4. To always have perfectly manicured nails and
   never again go to school with chipped varnish.
   Even when I'm running late, have forgotten my
   packed lunch, and need to copy my French homework
   from Stephanie before first period.
   
5. To eat healthy foods like broccoli and bananas and
   never again to snack on chocolate and crisps when
   I am bored. Instead I'll write my beauty progress
   in my diary every single day without fail.
   

Kelly Ann's adventures in dating continue in:

My Desperate Love Diary

By Liz Rettig

Kelly Ann is fifteen and desperately in love
with G – the biggest idiot in school.

Her best friends Liz and Stephanie can see
how awful G is – and also that Kelly Ann's
quietly gorgeous friend Chris is madly in
love with her. But Kelly Ann stumbles along
blindly, unable to see what's right in
front of her eyes.

Navigating her way through teenage
embarrassments, sick-filled parties and
terrible poetry, Kelly Ann is a hilariously
endearing character to root for!

'Heartfelt but at the same time fantastically
funny, this is a holiday must-read.'
Mizz

By Liz Rettig

Kelly Ann has only just come to her senses
and realised that G, the boy she's fancied all
year, is a total nerd and Chris, the boy next
door who's been in love with
her
all year, is
actually the man for her. But does that
mean she'll live happily ever after with Chris,
discovering the joys of sex and smugly
advising her friends in the ways of true love?
Of course not.

With the help of her faithful friends Liz and
Steph, Kelly Ann manages to muck it all up in
her own hilarious style.

A riot of teenage fumblings, terrible teachers
and skincare made from porridge.

By Liz Rettig

I'm Cat – and I'm the fat, plain one in my family.
When I say fat, I don't mean 'have-to-be-prisedout-of-a-hoola-hoop'
fat, but when your mum
and sister are practically size zero, it's hard not to
feel like the elephant girl in comparison.

My twin sister Tessa is blonde, gorgeous and
gets any boy she wants. Right now she's got
her eye on Josh, a really fit American guy
who's just moved to Glasgow.

But he doesn't seem that interested in her.

It's weird. I've never known any boy
who didn't fancy Tessa.Well, not straight
ones, anyway . . .

Of course! It all makes sense . . . funny that he
doesn't want to tell anyone about his secret, not
even me, his new best friend . . .

Could Cat be jumping to conclusions about Josh,
in this wonderfully funny tale of
romantic confusion?

By Luisa Playa

I'm two different people. Literally. I'm split.

Jo has never been one of the popular kids . . .
until she moves to the USA. Suddenly the
coolest girls at her new high school adopt her,
and the hottest boy, Jake Matthews, notices her.
But when Jake picks her as his partner in the
kissing game Seven Minutes in Heaven, it's
not half as heavenly as she imagined!

Jo has a choice: should she carry on with Jake
for guaranteed popularity – or should she
tell him where to get off and risk losing
her new friends . . . ?

At this moment, Jo splits. She's Josie the Cool –
girlfriend of Jake, member of the in-crowd.
But she's also Jo the Nerd – rejected by the
It girls, single . . . ordinary. Will her two halves
ever come together again?

'A cute, sweet and funny read. Fans of
Louise Rennison will love it.'
Meg Cabot