My Dear Stranger (18 page)

  So 7 weeks after the first smile, I called Alex and actually told him I would be attending the evening class, and he thanked me for telling him and said he would meet me in the parking lot.  And I remember hanging up the phone and thinking of his voice.  He was just so calm and cool and he spoke so honestly with a touch of humor and with an ease I had never known.

  There was
something about Alexander that was soothing to me. 

  After a
ll the shit I had dealt with the previous 10 ½ months of my pathetic little life, I actually wanted to bask in the ease Alexander’s voice provided me, and so I did.

  After that first
phone call, the seal of my silence was cracked wide open.  I found myself calling Alex just to say hello and nothing else.  I found myself waiting to see if Alex would return my call.  I found myself waiting for Alex to call me, and he always did.  Once that seal was broken, he called me often.

  Alex still did all the talking, but I
found myself drinking in his voice as I sat listening. 

  Alexander’s
voice was wonderful for me because he didn’t ask for anything in return.  He never demanded anything of me.  He asked questions but when I paused, or swallowed hard, or closed down completely, he moved on.  He didn’t push me to go to class, and he didn’t question why I didn’t go to class some nights.  Alex just called to tell me about his day, while I sat silently listening.

  Alexander was
this tall, handsome man who simply walked with me.  He spoke to me kindly, and with a gentleness and ease of tone which I never feared.  He was a lovely little light who gave me some calm when we walked.  I found that Alex brought me a little peace in my darkness.

  And I found myself warming up to Alexander in a way I didn’t think was possible.  He wasn’t as intense as my stranger, and he wasn’t crazy in my face wild like Patrick had been.  Alex was somehow in the middle of the 2 men I knew and loved and hated the most.

  And then the moment that changed my life forever happened.

  The moment that rebirthed me.  The moment I started the journey to all I’ve ever wanted to be.  The one moment in time that defined absolutely everything of my life afterward.

CHAPTER 16

 
9 weeks after our smile, 4 months after Patrick's betrayal, 8 months after the miscarriage, and 12 months after His last visit, Alexander kissed me in front of the campus museum.
  Alexander kissed me, and I loved it.
  I was stunned.  Shocked.  Confused.  In awe. 

 
I loved Alexander’s kiss.  It was deep and beautiful, and romantic, and loving.  It was the kind of kiss that weakens knees, and makes a body press in against the other person.
  Alexander.
  Alex kissed me and everything stopped for me.  All the worries and the loneliness and the horrors and the fear…
stopped.
  Everything I had felt for as long as I could remember stopped.  Alexander kissed me, and I forgot who I was in his arms. 
 

 
Alex walked me to my car as usual.  He talked and I listened as usual because I loved his voice.  Alex spoke and laughed and walked beside me toward the parking lot.
  But Alex stopped suddenly and took a step in front of me, turned to me, slowly raised his hand to my cheek, took my face in the palm of his hand and leaned into my lips.  Slowly, like he was asking permission he leaned in.  Gently, like he didn’t want to frighten me he held my face.  Softly, like he was afraid I’d run he kissed my lips.
  And it was amazing.
 

 
Alex kissed me... and eventually Alex broke off the kiss.  Unbelievably, it was Alex who stopped the kiss from escalating because I couldn't stop it.  Unbelievably, I was almost disappointed when he stopped the kiss.
  Unbelievably, I
loved
Alexander’s kiss.
 

 
When he pulled away from my lips, Alexander ducked down, leaned his forehead against mine and exhaled.  Waiting, neither of us spoke.  Waiting, I didn’t know what to do or say.  Waiting, Alex stayed firmly pressed against me.
  After forever, I turned my head slowly and kissed the inside of his palm.  And then the dam broke. 

 
When Alex whispered, “Sadie…” I burst into tears.
  Standing together, I cried and Alexander wiped my tears as quickly as they fell.  With no words between us, I was lost.  Shaking my head, I heard myself moaning as I hunched over and grabbed for my hollow stomach.
  Everything ached in that moment.  I was happy and miserable at once.  I was moving on and regressing in the same second.  I was experiencing my first kiss and I was cheating on my only lover.  I was new and I was used.
  I was in agony.
  After forever, Alex stopped trying to wipe my tears with his fingers, and instead used his sleeve to wipe my face, eyes, and nose.  But he didn’t flinch, and he wasn’t repulsed.  He acted like my behavior was normal and perfectly okay.  He didn’t seem remotely shocked or scared, or horrified by my horrific behavior.
  And when I finally caught my breath and stood back up to look at him, Alex smiled at me- he actually smiled.
  Grinning at my confusion, Alex whispered, “I’ve never made a woman cry after kissing her.  This is definitely a first.”
  And smiling at his light humor, I whispered an ‘I’m sorry…’ as I stood still in my confusion and pain.  “I don’t know who to be when I'm with you,” I confessed.
  “Sadie… you can be anyone you want to be with me.  I promise.”
  Pausing to take in his words, I stared at his face and I believed him.  I could be anyone with Alexander and I wanted to be.  I just didn’t know how to change me.  And I really didn’t know who I wanted to be.
 

 
So making a decision, I told Alex I had to go.  I asked him to give me some time.  I asked him not to call me, and amazingly he agreed.
  Alexander walked me to my car in silence, and he paused at the door as I sat in my car.  Leaning against the opened door, he waited until I finally turned my face toward him.
 

 
“Sadie, you can be anyone you want to be with me.  Just ask me for help and I'll give it, or tell me what you need and I’ll do it.  Anything at all.”  Stunned again by his gentleness of tone, I looked at Alexander Hamilton and I believed him.
  “Okay…” I replied.  “But I need a little time.”
  Smiling, Alex leaned down, kissed my cheek, and said, “You’ve got time.  Just let me know when you’re ready, and I’ll be right there.  Call me when you’re ready for me, Sadie.  Okay?”
  And nodding my head yes, I waited for Alexander to shut my door as I slowly backed away from him.  Driving slowly, I didn’t know where I was going.  Driving unaware, I didn’t remember which turns to make, or which streets to drive on.  I didn’t know my own name in that moment.
  Eventually, I found myself parked in my old apartment’s spot- the spot by the front door.  The spot I had parked in for years.  My old spot to my old apartment.  The apartment of my trauma, and youth, and abuse, and love, and horrors, and Him, and of Patrick.
  Sitting in my old spot, I wanted to see Patrick so badly, because I wanted to ask him what I should do.  I wanted to admit to everything that had been my dear stranger.  I wanted his guidance, but I couldn’t do it.  Patrick was dead to me, and I needed to leave him buried.  And so I left.
  Pulling out of my old spot, I drove to my new apartment near the University and I started again.
 
  For 11 days I stayed in my apartment.  I didn’t go to class and I didn't leave my apartment.  For 11 days I spoke to no one.  And Alex almost made it, but finally on the 11th day after our wonderful kiss my phone rang.
  Sitting near my phone which absolutely never rang, I knew it was him.  I knew Alex was calling, but I just wasn’t ready for him yet.  I had spent 11 days struggling with my 2 realities. 

 
I had my waking potential with Alex, and of course I had my sleeping reality with my stranger- A reality with my stranger which was all I had known for nearly 7 years of my life.
  Waiting near the phone, the machine finally picked up and I heard Alex’s lovely voice for the first time in 11 days.

 
“Hi Sadie.  I know I said I wouldn’t call, and I won’t again, I promise.  I just want to know you’re okay.  That’s all.  Call me and say ‘I’m okay’ and you can hang up. That’s all I need from you, nothing more.  We don’t have to talk about anything else.  I don’t want you to talk to me until, or
if
you’re ready.  I just want to know you’re okay.  I care for you, and not knowing if you’re okay is driving me crazy.  Just an okay, Sadie.  That’s all.  I promise.”
  And I believed him.
  Sitting on my couch beside the phone, I believed Alex wanted nothing more than to know I was okay.  He had never asked for anything from me- he didn’t try to enter my apartment, and he didn’t try to force visits with me after class.  He didn’t ask me to hang out with him before or after he walked me to and from my classes.  He didn’t push himself into my life.  All he ever did was talk to me and make sure I was safe coming and going to school.
 

 
So leaning for the phone, I dialed.  Shaking, I waited.  But after only one ringtone he answered.
  “I’m okay,” I spoke quickly before he could even say hello.
  “Thank you.  Is there anything I can do for you?”
  “No… but thanks.”
  “Will you let me know if there IS anything I can do for you?  Anything I can do to help you?”
  “Yes…” I whispered.
  “Okay.  Good night, Sadie.”
  But pausing, I was wordless.  I wanted to hear him speak.  I actually wanted his voice speaking quietly to me.  I wanted to talk to Alexander Hamilton
because
he was Alex.
  “
Anything
, Sadie.”
  “Thank you.  But not now.  There’s some stuff.   Um, I can’t talk about it.  But thank you Alex for caring.”
  “I do care.  But I won’t call you again.  I’ll just wait for you, okay?”
  “Okay.  Good night, Alex.”  And then I hung up before he could say anything else.
  Sitting with the receiver in my hand, I found myself cradling it to my chest as I cried.  I couldn’t even tell you what I was crying about.  I didn’t know what I was crying about.  I missed Alex, but I missed my stranger more.  I had feelings for Alex, but I loved my stranger totally.  I liked walking with Alex, but I
lived
for my stranger.
  There were so many things going through my head.  There were so many emotions ripping through my chest.  I was sad, and lonely, and unhappy.  I felt guilt for liking the kiss with Alex, and I felt guilt for liking Alex’s kiss but not telling him about my stranger.  I liked Alex's kiss but I felt guilty for not telling my stranger about Alex.
  Everything was surrounded in guilt, and I was desperate and disturbed because the guilt was quickly killing me.
  So walking to my bathroom, I found some of my pills.  Walking to my kitchen, I found a cold bottle of vodka in the fridge.  Swigging right from the bottle I downed some of my pills with the alcohol.  And gulping hard, I leaned against the counter as I struggled with my reality.
 

*****

 
When I woke up, I was under the table staring at the empty bottle- the large bottle- lying on its side.  Crawling to a stand against the table, my body was in agony.  Walking slowly, with my pounding head leaning to the right, for some odd reason that helped, I eventually made it to the bathroom.  Running the water and turning on the shower, I could barely undress.  I was a mess and I knew it. This time I had gone a little too far, I could tell.
  Sitting slowly on the edge of my tub, I let myself slide to the tub bottom as the water poured over my head.  I remember wanting to wash my hair, but my hands wouldn’t work very well.  With a shaking that was pretty obvious, I gave up trying to reach for the shampoo.
  And then my body began dying on me.  I could actually see it happening.  My stomach started moving strangely, almost like something kicking its way out from the inside.  My legs started shaking badly against the bottom of the tub.  I actually watched my hands cramp into claws that I couldn’t straighten.  I suffered cramps all over my legs, and my feet felt tight and stuck in their horrible position.
  I was lying there on the bottom of the tub with a body in agony, and I couldn’t help myself at all.  Even if I could’ve yelled, I didn’t think my neighbors would have heard me.  Even if I could have attempted to get help, I didn’t think I would have made it to the front door which was closest, or to the phone which was much further away.

 
Watching with my head lying in the water, cocked to the side, as my body continued to move and cramp, I realized I was pretty far gone that time.
  I remember knowing I was dancing my final dance with death.