My Dear Stranger (21 page)

 
“Hello?”
  “Hi.  I'm okay,” I breathed huskily.  But my nerves were shot, and I felt almost nauseous with my anxiety.
  “Hi, Sadie.  Thanks for calling.”
  “You're welcome.”  And then we suffered an awkward silence.
  “Are you going back to school on Monday?”
  “I'm enrolled.”
  “That's good.  When is your first class?”
  “Tuesday afternoon.”  And then we suffered another awkward silence.  Maybe it would help if I gave proper answers versus the bare minimum I replied.
  “I'm going to be there Tuesday.  Would you like me to meet you in the parking lot?”  Would I?  Yes.  I realized I did actually want to see him.  Well, more I wanted to
hear
him speak, but that required seeing him, so I guess I did want him to meet me.
  “Yes, thank you.  I should be there at 2:45, for my 3:00 tutorial.”
  “Okay.  I'll see you then.”  And then we suffered a not so awkward silence while I figured out what to say next. 

 
“I'm just going to walk you to class, and I promise not to kiss you.  Kissing you, though great for me, turned you into a mess which was pretty hard on my ego, so no more kisses for you.  Okay?  Really, I am NOT going to kiss you, so don't even ask me to.  I mean it, Sadie.  Even if you beg me, I'm not kissing you, so forget it.”  And I could hear the humor in his voice.  I knew he was being playful, and I realized he didn't resent me, or think I was a jerk.  I realized he wasn't going to tell me to piss off, and he wasn't angry with me.  And amazingly, I felt relief.
  “Fine, Alexander.  I'll try not to beg you to kiss me,” I teased back.  “I'll see you Tuesday.  And thank you.”
  “You're welcome.  Take care, Sadie.”
  And when he hung up, I felt okay.  It was so strange for me to feel okay.  I didn't crave Alexander like I did my stranger, and I didn't ache for him like I ached for my lover, but I did like him, and I did like listening to him speak to me.
  Alexander seemed like such a plain, straightforward good guy, and for that I was grateful.  I needed a little straightforwardness in my life.  I needed to not want, and fear, and crave, and obsess any longer.  I needed to move past my years of waiting.  I needed to let my stranger go.  But not to be replaced with Alex- far from it. 
  I needed to let my stranger go for me, because ghosting through life was killing me, and I was smart enough to know it.  There was a reason I hadn't visited or been visited by my parents in months.  There was a reason I hadn't left my apartment in months.  There was a reason I closed myself off from humanity.  I pulled away from everyone because I looked like death, and I didn't want to look like death anymore.
  So I spent the next 3 days trying.  I felt terrible; all weak and exhausted.  I know I looked like a victim of some horrific illness, but I tried.  For 3 days I ate and drank coffee, I tried to smoke less, and I didn't have anything to drink, at all.  Every time I thought of alcohol, I made myself have a coffee or apple juice instead.  I did everything I could to avoid being pulled back into my despair.
  Struggling, I fought the anxiety that threatened to keep me in my apartment on Tuesday.  I was neurotic, insecure, and socially awkward to say the least, and the thought of being surrounded by students everywhere scared the hell out of me.  I was scared, and this fear made it harder not to drink, but I didn't.  I was petrified of all the noise in the halls, and on campus, and throughout the lectures.  I knew there would be people everywhere, and because I hadn't had any human contact in so long, I was struggling with copping out and staying home. 
  And I honestly wanted to.  Staying home felt like the best thing I could do, but I wouldn't.  I had decided I was tired of ghosting through life so I had to make myself attend school because I no longer
wanted
to be a ghost.
  So 3 days later, on Tuesday afternoon I found myself smoking back to back waiting in my car until I was finally able to turn on the ignition and make myself move.  And it only took an hour and a half.  Honestly.  An hour and a half of sitting in my car, nauseous from chain smoking, shaking, and fighting my nerves, until I was finally ready to drive to school.
  Arriving at 4:15, I actually laughed at myself when I pulled up.  My class ended at 4:30, so my first intro class was pointless, but I made it to school.  I was actually at my campus, sitting in the parking lot, laughing at myself for working up the nerve to get there, but then being too late to actually attend my class.
  Lighting a victory smoke and exhaling through the cracked window, I startled when Alexander suddenly knocked gently on my window.  And I knew he was gentle, but the noise seemed so loud in my deathly quiet.  Checking the lock on my door again quickly, Alex smiled at me.  He didn't look offended and he wasn't angry with me for making sure the door was locked.  Instead he hunched down and rested his arms against my window, smiling.
 

 
And I was relieved again.  Alexander's smile made me relax.  He was smiling and waiting for me to calm down.  He was waiting on me.  Without asking a thing, or trying to force his way into my car, he just hunched down and smiled as he waited for me to get a grip.

  As we each waited in silence, I looked at Alexander and I felt calm wash over me. 

  Alex was very good looking, with tanned skin, and brown hair, and with lovely blue eyes.  He was so good looking on the surface, but it was his voice and his kindness that calmed me.  Alexander would smile and speak to me, and everything dark seemed to fade away for me.
  Looking at Alexander waiting for me calmly, I decided to act. I rolled down my window halfway and finally tried to speak.  Embarrassed, all I had was a ‘hi’ and a blush until he took over.
  “You did well, Sadie.  I knew you would show up... eventually.” And smiling again, I couldn't help my grin.
  “Sorry I'm late.  I tried...” I mumbled.
  “Better late than never.  Do you want to just walk to your class so you get the feel of it?  Obviously, you're too late to attend, but you might like to walk to class anyway.”
  “Do you mind?”
  “Not at all.  I'm done for the day, so I have nothing I'd rather do.  Are you ready?”
  “Yes...” and I was.  I wanted to get out of my smoky car, and I wanted to walk beside Alexander again.  I wanted to hear him speak, and I wanted to join the land of the living again.
  Standing up, Alexander actually asked, 'may I?' before attempting to open my door, and I appreciated his patience.  I didn't want to feel rushed, and I didn't want to feel overwhelmed. It seems so stupid to me now, but getting out of my car was this hugely monumental event for me.  But I did it.
  Taking a big breath after grabbing my purse, I unlocked and opened my door as I inhaled the summer campus air into my lungs.  I had forgotten what summer air felt like, and I couldn't believe how warm I felt immediately.  It was nice to be warm.  It felt amazing to be warmed by the air for the first time in months.
  Standing, I waited for something,
anything,
but nothing came.  Treating me like some wounded animal, Alexander waited for me to proceed.  Walking forward, he walked beside me, not touching me or even invading my personal space.  He walked beside me until eventually he began speaking.
  As if nothing was strange and my behavior was normal, Alexander began speaking about his classes, and the campus, and the improvements which were made, and about anything, and nothing at all.  He spoke, but not obnoxiously, and not about himself ad nauseum.  He spoke and I listened to the soothing, warming sound of his voice as I made my way to my potential classroom, turned around, and walked back to my car.

  Even
when others students, friends of Alexander’s approached him and I tensed up, he gave curt little nods, or simple smiles of greeting, but he never left my side, and he never engaged anyone else, but me.
  When we found ourselves standing beside my car again, I remember thinking,
oh god, please don't do anything stupid, Alex.  Please.
But I shouldn't have worried.  He did nothing stupid, or wrong.  Actually, he did nothing- which was exactly what I needed.
  Opening my car door, I felt awkward for a moment until Alex asked if he could walk me to my class the next day.  Smiling at me he waited until I was in my car, then as I rolled down the window he sat right back down on his haunches and waited.  With a look that screamed friendly and safe, Alexander waited for my answer.
  Looking closely at him, I replied, “Yes, please.  I would like to walk with you,” and I meant it.  I
would
like to walk with Alexander Hamilton.
  “Okay.  Same time tomorrow?” 
  “No.  My first class starts at 11:00 tomorrow but I'll try to be on time.” And I knew I would try harder.
  “Sadie, just try.  I don't care if you're late.  We can always ask someone for the intro notes, or you could even ask the Professor.  Just do what you can and I'll be here waiting, okay?”
  “Okay.  Thank you, Alex.  I'll see you tomorrow.”  And I knew I would.
  Starting my car, Alex stood back up beside me and smiled as I began reversing from my spot.  Waiting, he stood still until I drove away and then he waved at me.  Seeing him in my review mirror I felt happy as I left the campus to drive the few blocks back to my apartment.
  When I finally arrived home and made my way inside my secured apartment, I actually allowed myself to smile and I felt good.  I wasn’t quite giddy, but happy definitely.  I felt alive-ish.  I felt like I might want to try to walk with Alexander as often as possible.  I felt something inside me.

 
So 2 hours after I returned home, I dialed his number.  I couldn't believe I was doing it, but I made myself.
  “Hello?”
  “Hi.  It's Sadie.”
  “I know.  How are you?  Is everything okay?”
  “Yes.  I just wanted to thank you for walking me to class, and for waiting for me even though I was really late, and for not making me feel bad for being late, and for not commenting on how awful I look.  And for being nice to me.” 
  “Wow.  Slow down.  I was happy to walk you to class.  I don't care that you were late, just that you eventually made it.  I didn't think you looked awful.  And I like being nice to you.  Okay?”  Smiling in my living room, I murmured an 'okay', and suddenly felt pretty stupid. 
  Embarrassed, I continued speaking.  “I'm sorry I sound so dumb, I just don't talk to many people, well anyone really, so I don't know how to talk to you.  Um, I should go.  I just wanted to thank you for walking me to class,” I spoke quickly and awkwardly.
  “Please speak to me any way you want.  Whatever you want to say, I'll listen.  And I'll always walk with you, Sadie.”
  “Okay.  Thanks.  I have to go.  See you tomorrow,” I gasped hanging up the phone.
  And suddenly, I started crying again. 
  Actually, I sobbed.  I felt good and bad, miserable and happy.  I felt torn.  I felt even more unsure of myself than I ever had before.  I felt conflicted and sad.  I didn't know if I was making a mistake trying to rejoin the world, or if this kind of sobbing reaction was normal for someone trying to live. 
  I felt everything in the span of that evening, and when I finally stopped shaking and crying, I fell asleep heavily on my couch. 
  Afterward, I remember being stunned that I had slept through the night without my nightly ritual, which I had never missed except for the times I was in the hospital.  I was stunned that I had a day old uncleansed body, and that I wasn't as freaked out by my dirty feeling body as I thought I would be.  I was stunned that I was awake, alone and functioning at 7:25 in the morning.
  But I did think of my stranger.  I would be lying to myself if I said I didn't wonder if He had come to me in the night to watch me.  I would be lying if I said I didn't want to see Him still.  I would be lying if I said I didn't still love Him, because I did.
  Getting up eventually, I made coffee, hopped in the shower, and applied makeup to my hollow looking face.  Afterward, I dressed as best as I could with my ugly, loose-fitting clothing while I made another huge decision.
  Reaching for my living room phone, I made another huge step when I made a call to Dr. Synode.  Leaving him a desperate sounding message, I asked to see him again.  And after I hung up, I was pretty proud of myself again because I knew I had made a few huge steps in the course of 2 days.  I was trying, and I was surprised by how easy these steps actually felt to me after I committed to them.
  I was still freaked out, and neurotic as hell.  Insecure and totally paranoid of my safety.  I was sad, and hopeful.  I was struggling, but I was also kind of thrilled by the reality of my attempt to live.
  I felt; which was pretty new for me at the time.
  At 9:30, an hour before I was going to leave for school, my phone rang.  Waiting out the rings, I finally jumped for it at the last second, and I listened as Dr. Synode spoke quickly and abruptly.  Telling me he had spares all morning, and a TA to cover his 12:30 class, he wanted me to come see him as soon as I was able.  So I agreed.
  Driving to the campus, admittedly, I was nervous.  I had spoken to Dr. Synode about most of my issues before, but not all.  He knew the Patrick fiasco, and he knew my suicidal tendencies, but he didn't know the true depth of my issues.  He didn't know about the brutality of my attack, and he didn't really understand my stranger.  He knew about my life in point form, and strangely, I was looking forward to telling him about all or part of it in depth.  I remember knowing I needed to speak with someone to help with all my confusion.