My Dear Stranger (38 page)

I want you to know that I have followed your progress and I know where you've ended up, which is also in the book.
  I know everything, and I've included it.  I know of your marriage to Alexander and I know of the birth of your son, Jamie.  I have included in the epilogue where you ended up, though obviously I changed all necessary names. 

I have finally included the ending, Sadie.
 You are beautiful Sadie, and I honestly wish you nothing but the best in your future.  You have been a constant source of pride and anguish for me since our friendship ended.  I have wanted to reach out to you nearly every day of these years we've been apart, but it was actually Stephen (who I'm still with incidentally) that convinced me to let you go.
Therefore, this is a courtesy, and I have been advised by my lawyers that no legal action can take place because of the disclaimer I included and because all our names have been changed.  I'm only telling you about this so you don't stumble upon the book one day unaware, because I don't want you to suffer any undue stress from this book or from the story it tells.
There is one thing I MUST say to you now though.  And it’s very important; so please listen to me Sadie. 
I want you to talk to Alexander. He knows more than he's ever told you, but that's all I'll say on his behalf.  He knows Sadie.  And you need to ask him the question so you can say goodbye to your past once and for all.  You need to ask him so you know his part in your story.  Remember I told you once, the best friend always knows- well, the husband always knows too.  Trust me.
With my sincerest heartfelt love,
Patrick
xo
P.S.  I've included a check given to me by my Publisher and I want you to have it.  If you don't want it for yourself, than keep it for Jamie as a University trust or something.  But whatever you decide, I beg you to please keep the money, because this is your story, and you deserve something for the life you've lived.
 
  In the silence that follows the letter, I can barely breathe.  I feel so lost and scared of what I may face with Alexander that I feel like I'm suddenly drowning.  My throat is tight and my chest is pounding, and my body is numb with the cold that has settled deep inside me.
  “It's not what you think, Sadie.  I didn't do anything wrong...” Alexander breathes into the silence suffocating me.
  “Tell me,” I beg on a gasp.
  “I knew Patrick.”
  “How?” I barely breathe.  How could he possibly?  HOW?
  “I knew him casually through Diana.  They were friends for a while, and then I met him again in University.  We were never friends but just casual acquaintances back then.”
  “I don't get it.  What's the connection to me?  He's so much older than me?”
  “What does age have to do with it?  He was friends with all Di’s artsy friends and they partied together, so I met him a few times.  That's all.”
  “But?”
  “I had one class with him in my third year.  I took an elective Psych course and he was the T.A., so I chatted him up looking for a better grade.  We talked a little, but it was nothing.”
  “Until?” I ask while pulling my blanket tighter.  I'm just freezing deep inside, and I can't stand this cold much longer.  At this point I don't even remember why I'm doing this anymore. 
  “Sadie, I will
never
hurt you.”
  “I know.”
  “Can I sit next to you and warm you up a little?” He asks me sadly.  And because I hate a sad Alex, I nod and wait for him to warm me.
  Sliding over to the wall, Alex wraps the blanket tighter around me and keeps his arm over my shoulder as we relax a little with each other.
  “Did you know who I was?  Did Patrick tell you everything?”
  “No.  Not at first.  I mean I always knew you from high school, but we weren't close back then.  You remember- we just ended up at the same parties sometimes, but we never hung out because you were younger than me and my friends.”
  “But?”
  “Patrick and I were talking casually once about our weekend, and he mentioned being at his friend Sadie's apartment.  And I told him I knew a Sadie from high school so he described you to me and told me your last name and we realized it was you.  I think we were both a little surprised that I knew who you were.  But I mean it makes sense.  We went to the same high school, just a few years apart, so he knew my sister and I knew you.”
  “But you never told me you knew him.”
  “He asked me not to.”
  “Why?” I ask stunned by all this history.  I didn’t even know Patrick attended the same high school as I did, not that we would have been there at the same time, but still.  I know I mentioned my high school to him but I don’t remember him ever telling me he went there years before me as well.
  “When you and Patrick had your falling out, he called me and asked if I knew your parent's number, which I didn't.  He asked if I knew anyone who knew you and I really didn't.  I remember at the time telling him you really didn't have any friends anymore.  I remember hearing rumors about you and people talking about you like you had simply vanished shortly after college.  So I told him I didn't know how to get in touch with you.  Which I didn't at the time.”
  “But that day?  The day on campus?”  I ask breathless.
  “Patrick asked me to meet you to see how you were doing.  I guess he had already been called by one of his Professors, and he was to see them later that day.  The Professor told him they were speaking to another student about his thesis and that they may have questions about the thesis for him later.  It was actually pretty stupid of them because Patrick obviously knew you were the student.  He knew you were why he was being asked to meet with his Psych Profs on campus.  So he called me again.”
  And then Alexander pauses like he's trying to think of what to say.  He pauses but his arm tightens around my shoulders and I can barely breathe from the stress and fear of what he's going to say.
  “Just tell me...” I whisper.
  “Patrick called me and told me what was happening.  Well, actually, all he said was he had fucked up royally, and you wouldn't speak to him anymore, and he didn't want to upset you more by meeting you on campus, I think for your benefit, and also because he didn't want to make things worse for himself if you freaked out.  Anyway, he called me and said you were probably going to be on campus that morning because his meeting was suddenly cancelled with 3 Profs, so Patrick thought for sure you were going to be there again to talk to them.  He told me you were usually walked to your car by the security campus teams, even in the daylight, and he asked me to make sure you were okay.  He told me what your car looked like and he told me you were probably around or in the Psych Quad.  He even told me where I could wait on campus so I would see you leave the buildings before getting into your car.”
  “But I don't understand.  Did he want to hurt me?  Did he want
you
to hurt me?” I cry out.
  “No!  Not at all.  He actually just wanted me to check up on you so I could tell him if you were okay.  I didn't know exactly what had happened, but he wanted you to be safe.  That's all.  Patrick asked me to make sure you were okay.   I don't think Patrick would have ever hurt you, Sade.  He loved you, I think.”
  “So you knew I would be there?” I ask ignoring his last statement.
  “Yes.  But that's all I did.  I waited for like 2 hours by that fountain to see if you were okay and to come up with something to say to you, because the whole thing was so weird to me.  I didn't even know if you would still be there.  I didn't know if I would even see you, or if you would remember me.  So I almost left a few times but something made me stay put.”
  “What were you supposed to do to me when you saw me?”
  “Nothing!  Jesus, Sadie.  Patrick wouldn't hurt you and I sure as hell would never hurt you.  I was only supposed to check up on you and then call Patrick and let him know when you left. That's it, baby.  I swear,” Alexander begs while shaking me a little in his arms.
  “Then what happened?”
  “You know the rest.  I started talking to you, and I started walking you to and from class, and that's it.  Patrick didn't ask me to do that- I wanted to.  I liked walking with you.  Do you remember that?”
  “How could I not?  You slowly pushed your way into my life.”
  “That's not true, Sade.  I didn't push my way in- I patiently waited until you
let me
be in your life.  Until I kissed you.  Remember?”
  How could I forget?  Alex kissing me changed my entire life.  Alex kissing me upended my life.  Alex kissing me was the start of my new life, I think.
  “I loved it when you kissed me and that's what almost destroyed me,” I cry as Alex holds me tighter.
  “I didn't almost destroy you, Sadie.  You were already destroyed.  I just helped you get better,” he says angrily.  And I suddenly realize he's right.  I want to be mad at this betrayal of sorts, but he's right.  He didn't destroy me.  I WAS destroyed.
  “Why did you lie to me?  Why didn't you tell me?”
  “I didn't know how and it really didn't change anything.  Patrick may have asked me to look out for you one specific day, but everything after that was all me.  I didn't want you alone and sad anymore.  I didn't want to see you look that way, especially since I remembered you from high school.”
  “Do you still talk to him?”
  “No.”
  “When did you stop?”
  “Shortly after you and I starting talking again the summer you freaked out.  After I kissed you.”
  “But why?”  I still can't wrap my head around any of this.  Patrick and Alex?  I had NO idea they knew each other.
  “Do you really want all the truth, Sadie?”
  “Yes.  I think it's time.  I'm pretty freaked out by his letter and by you knowing him, and by everything else, actually.”
  “Please, don't be freaked.  There isn't anything else to tell.  I knew Patrick.  He asked me to look out for you, and I did.  Then I fell for you, and you and I moved on together.  That's the end of the story.”
  “Why did you stop talking to Patrick?”
  Pausing, Alexander takes a deep breath and says, “Because Patrick didn't want us together.”
  “What?  Why?  What's so bad about me?  Patrick always said I was better than I thought I was.  Why wasn't I good enough for you?”
  “Actually, he didn't want ME with you.  He loved you very much Sadie, and he wanted you to be happy, and apparently he didn't think I could handle being with you.”
  “What does
that
mean?  Because I was so hard to handle?” I ask pissed.
  “You
were
hard to handle, but that's not why.  Patrick thought I wasn't strong enough to overlook all the stuff in your life, and he thought I would eventually hurt you, emotionally.  Patrick was sure I was just a player looking to get a piece of ass and he didn't want that for you.  He even said as much which really pissed me off at the time.  Patrick knew nothing about me really, but he thought I couldn't handle being with you.  So I proved him wrong.”
  “What?  Like I was a game to you to-”
  “Not at all.  I just knew I could make you happy so I told Patrick to leave us the fuck alone.  And then I kissed you and you disappeared again and I knew you were bad because you stopped going to your summer courses, and I didn't know what to do because I told you I would wait for you to contact me and that I wouldn't do anything, so I asked Patrick what I should do about you.  And that's when he told me about his thesis.”
  Stiffening, I'm almost sick with my upset and anger.  Patrick showed him that garbage.  Patrick told Alexander about his theories of SMA?  Patrick told Alexander and Alexander never told me!  Suddenly pissed, I push his arm off of me, and grab for my smokes.  Shaking and trying to light a smoke, I actually hear myself moaning out loud.  I hear myself and even feel myself rocking, but I can't seem to stop either.  I'm officially a mess.
  “Sadie?”
  “Don't.  I want to think for a minute.”
  “But I need you-”
  “Shut UP for a minute,” I bark while power dragging on my smoke, as he silences immediately.
  Alexander knew everything and he didn't tell me.  Alexander knew and he let me think I kept all my secrets.  He knew what Patrick thought of me and he never let on that he knew all the details I could NEVER discuss with him.  Alexander always knew.
  “So you know everything...”
  “I know Patrick’s version of everything, not yours.  So I ignored it.”
  “Really?  You
ignored
it?”
  “Yes.”
  “That seems fairly unlikely Alexander.  You were with me and knew all these things about me, but you
ignored
them?”
  “I did.  I waited to see if you would ever talk to me and you didn't.  You never talked about all the stuff before me, so I chose to ignore it.  I chose to leave it in the past where it belonged as far as I was concerned.  You didn't ever talk to me, so I assumed you didn't want to talk to me about it.  So yes, Sadie, I
ignored
what I knew.”
  Turning my head I stare at Alexander.  Staring, I try to see if he's telling me the truth.  I try to understand how a man could know all the sick and twisted that was me, but ignore it anyway.  Looking, I try to understand Alexander Hamilton.
  “I don't understand you, I really don't.  You make no sense to me.  You have always been so kind and attentive and loving toward me.  You have always been such a miracle in my life but now I know you always knew and I don't understand you at all anymore.”
  “You understand me-”
  “I don't.  I'm more confused than ever.  I thought if you didn't know everything I could understand why you wanted to love me.  But you
did
know and you said you loved me anyway.  So you really don't make any sense to me anymore.”