My Enemy, the Queen (10 page)

y Lord Leicester,said Heneage, command you to ask a question of Her Majesty.

Robert bowed his head and waited for it.

hich is the more difficult to erase from the mind, an evil opinion created by a wicked informer or jealousy?

I watched Robert face, for I was standing near to him. The manner in which he concealed his anger was really rather commendable.

He turned to the Queen. His voice was cool. our Majesty hears the command of King Bean, and he being your chosen King of the Night, I can do nothing but obey. So I ask you, in your wisdom, to give us an answer.

When he had repeated the question the Queen looked grave and, smiling affectionately at him, answered: y lord, I would say that they are both hard to be rid of, but that jealousy is the harder.

Robert was so angry to be publicly held up to ridicule, and the fact that the Queen seemed to have allied herself with Heneage was doubly infuriating.

He did not go to the Queen again that night. When many people were dancing, he took my hand and drew me out of the chamber and away to a small room of which he knew. He pulled me in and shut the door.

y lord,I said, and I could hear the trill of excitement in my voice, e must have been seen.

He seized me roughly then. His lips were near my own. nd if they have seen us,he said, should not care. I care for nothing but this.

He had taken the ruff from my neck and thrown it from him. His hands were on my shoulders, forcing my dress from them.

y lord, would you have me stand naked before you?I asked.

ye,he cried. ye, that I would. So have I seen you many times in my dreams.

I was as eager for him as he was for me and there was no hiding it.

ou are beautiful beautiful as I knew you would be,he murmured. ou are all that I want, Lettice.

He, too, was all that I had dreamed he would be. It was an experience such as I had never known before. I could not help being aware that on his side it was made up of anger as well as desire, and this infuriated me while at the same time it did nothing to stem my passion. I was determined to show him that never could he know such a mistress as I would be. I was going to make him as reckless as I was. He should be as ready to risk losing the Queen favor as I was to break my marriage vows.

I think I succeeded temporarily. I sensed the wonder in him, the delight, the knowledge that we two were made for each other.

I knew that he could not tear himself away although it was obvious that he would be missed. I exulted in this; it seemed to me that nature had endowed me with special powers to attract men and bind them to me. And I was born to make love with this man and he with me.

We were enthralled by each other, and I felt that our discovery must be obvious for all to see, and I confess that, when eventually we did return to the ballroom, I began to feel uneasy.

The Queen must have missed Robert. Had she noticed, too, that I had been absent? I should soon discover, I was sure. A cold fear touched me. What if I should be dismissed from Court?

She gave no sign during the days which followed. Robert did not come to Court, and I knew that she missed him. She became very irritable and volunteered the remark that some people imagined they could absent themselves without leave and would have to be taught otherwise.

I was with her when news came that there was trouble between the Earl of Leicester and Sir Thomas Heneage. Leicester had sent word to Heneage that he would visit him with a stick as he had a lesson to administer, to which Heneage replied that he would be welcome and a sword would be awaiting him.

Elizabeth was furious, and there was fear in her fury. She was afraid that Robert would fight a duel and be killed, and she had no intention of allowing her favorite men to behave so foolishly. She sent for Heneage and we heard her shouting at him. Did he think he could defy her? It was dangerous to talk of swordplay, she told him. If he behaved so foolishly again someone else might be talking of an ax.

I think she boxed his ears, for when he came out those appendages looked very red and he was completely subdued.

Then it was Robert turn. I could not resist listening.

She was very angry with himore so than with Heneage.

od death,she cried, have wished you well but my favor is not so locked up in you that others may not have a share of it. I have other servants besides you. Remember there is one mistress here and no master. Those whom I have raised up can as easily be lowered. And this shall happen to those who become impudent through my favor.

I heard him say quietly: our Majesty, I beg leave to retire.

t yours,she shouted.

And as he came from her chamber he saw me and looked at me. It was an invitation to follow him and as soon as I could I slipped away and found him in that chamber which had previously been the scene of our passion.

He seized me and held me, laughing aloud.

s you see,he said, am out of favor with the Queen.

ut not with me,I said.

hen I am not unhappy.

He locked the door and it was as though a frenzy seized him. He was mad with desire for me and so was I for him, and although I knew that his anger with the Queen mingled with his need for me, I did not care. I wanted this man. He had haunted my thoughts from the first moment I had seen him riding beside the Queen at her accession; and if his desire for me was in some measure due to her treatment of him, she was part of my need of him too. Even in our moments of extreme ecstasy it was as though she was there with us.

We lay together, knowing full well that it was a dangerous thing to do. Were we to be discovered we could both be ruined, and we did not care; and because our need for each other transcended our fear of the consequences, it heightened our passion, intensified those sensations which I at leastnd I think the same applied to himelieved could come to me through no other.

What was this emotion between us? The recognition of two like natures? It was overwhelming desire and passion and not least of our emotions was the awareness of danger. The fact that each of us could risk our future for this encounter carried our ecstasy to even greater heights.

We lay exhausted, yet triumphant in some way. We should neither of us ever forget this experience. We were bound together by it for the rest of our lives and whatever should happen to us we should never forget.

shall see you again ere long,he said soberly.

es,I answered.

his is a fair meeting place.

ntil we are discovered.

re you afraid of that?

f I were I should count it worthwhile.

I had known he was the man for me as soon as I had seen him.

oue looking smug, Lettice,said the Queen. hat has happened to make you thus? could not say that anything has, Your Majesty.

thought you might be with child again.

od forbid,I cried in real fear.

ome, you have but two and girls. Walter wants a boy, I know.

want a little rest from childbearing, Madam.

She gave me one of her little taps on the arm. nd youe a wife who gets what she wants, Il warrant.

She was watching me closely. Could she possibly suspect? If she did I should be drummed out of the Court.

Robert remained aloof from her, and although this sometimes angered her, I was sure that she was determined to teach him a lesson. As she had said, her favor was not so locked up in any man that he could dare take advantage of her fondness. Sometimes I thought she was afraid of that potent attractivenessf which I had firsthand knowledgend she liked to whip herself into a fury against him to prevent herself falling completely victim to his desires.

I did not see him as often as I should have liked. He did come once or twice unobtrusively to Court and we met and made passionate love in the private room. But I could sense that frustration in him and I knew that what he wanted above all things was not a woman but a crown.

He went to Kenilworth, which he was turning into one of the most magnificent castles in the country. He said that he wished I could go with him and that if I had had no husband we could have married. But I wondered whether he would have talked of marriage if it had not been safe to do so, for I knew that he had not given up hope of marrying the Queen.

At Court his enemies were starting to plot against him. They clearly thought he was in decline. The Duke of Norfolk man I found excessively dullas a particular enemy. Norfolk was a man of little ability. He had strong principles and was weighed down by his admiration for his own ancestry, which he believedand I suppose he was right in thisas more noble than the Queen, for the Tudors had sneaked to the throne in a very backdoor manner. Vitally brilliantly clever people they might be, but some of the ancient nobility were deeply conscious of their own familiessuperiority and none more than Norfolk. Elizabeth was well aware of this and, like her father, ready to nip it in the bud when it appeared, but she could not stop the blossoms flowering in secret. Poor Norfolk, he was a man with a sense of duty and tried always to do the right thing, but it invariably seemed the wrong thing for Norfolk.

For such a man it was galling to see the rise of Robert to the premier position in the country, which he felt because of his birth belonged to him, and there had been one occasion not very long before this when a quarrel had flared up between Norfolk and Leicester.

There was nothing Elizabeth liked better than to see her favorite men jousting or playing games, which called attention not only to their skill but to their physical perfections. She would sit for hours watching and admiring their handsome bodies; and there was none she had liked to see in action more than Robert.

On this occasion there had been an indoor tennis match and Robert had drawn Norfolk as a partner. Robert was winning, for he had exceptional skill in all sports. I was sitting with the Queen in that lower gallery which Henry VIII had had built for spectators, for he too had excelled at the game and enjoyed being watched.

The Queen had leaned forward. Her eyes had never left Robert, and when he scored a point she had called out ravowhile during Norfolk less frequent successes she was silent, which must have been very depressing for England premier duke.

The game was so fast that the contestants had become very hot. The Queen seemed to suffer with them, so immersed was she in the play, and she lifted a mockinderr handkerchiefo wipe her brow. As there was a slight pause in the game and Robert was sweating profusely, he snatched the mockinder from the Queen and mopped his brow with it. It was a natural gesture between people who were very familiar with each other. It was actions like this which gave rise to the stories of their being lovers.

Norfolk, incensed by this act of lese-majestynd perhaps because he was losing the game and was aware of the royal pleasure in his defeatost his temper and shouted: ou impudent dog, sir. How dare you insult the Queen!

Robert had looked surprised when Norfolk had suddenly lifted his racket as though he would strike him. Robert had caught his arm and twisted it so that Norfolk had called out in pain and dropped the racket.

The Queen had been furious. ow dare you brawl before me?she had demanded. y Lord Norfolk must look to it or it may not be only his temper which is lost. How dare you, Sir Norfolk, conduct yourself in such a manner before me?

Norfolk had bowed and asked leave to retire.

etire,the Queen had shouted. ray do, and don come back until I send for you. Methinks you give yourself airs above your station.

It is a dig at his overweening family pride, which she resented as a slur on the Tudors.

ome, sit beside me, Rob,she had said, or my Lord Norfolk, knowing himself the loser, has no longer stomach for the game.

Robert, still holding the mockinder, had seated himself beside her, well pleased to have scored over Norfolk, and she took the mockinder from him and smiling had attached it once more to her girdle, implying that the fact that he had used it in no way displeased her.

So it was not to be wondered at that now, when Robert was thought to be in decline, Norfolk headed the long list of his enemies, and it was clear that they were going to exploit the situation to the full.

Attack came from an unexpected quarter and a very unsavory one.

There was a tense atmosphere at Court. The Queen was never happy when Robert was not with her. There could not be any doubt that she loved him; all her emotions concerning him went deep. It had even been obvious in their quarrels how much she was affected by him. I knew that she wanted to call him back to Court, but she was so beleaguered by the marriage question and Robert was growing more and more insistent, that she had to hold him off. If she sent for him it would be a victory for him and she had to make him understand that she called the tune.

I had begun to accept the fact that she was afraid of marriage, although of course the Scottish ambassador had been right when he had declared she wanted to be supreme ruler and share with none.

I felt drawn to her in a way because my thoughts were as full of Robert as hers were and I was watching for his return as hopefully as she was.

Sometimes when I was alone at night I used to contemplate what would happen if we were discovered. Walter would be furious, of course. To hell with Walter! I cared nothing for him. He might divorce me. My parents would be deeply shocked, especially my father. I should be in disgrace. They might even take the children from me. I saw little of them when I was at Court, but they were growing into real people and were beginning to interest me. But chiefly I should have to face the Queen. I used to lie in bed shiveringot only with fear but with a kind of delicious delight. I should like to look into those big tawny eyes and cry: e has been my lover but never yours. You have a crown and we know he wants that more than anything. I have nothing but myselfet next to the crown, he wants me. The fact that he has become my lover is a measure of his love for me, for he has dared risk a great deal to do so.

When I was with her I felt less brave. There was that in her which could strike terror into the boldest heart. When I contemplated her fury if we were discovered I wondered what her punishment would be. She would blame me as the seductress, the Jezebel. I had noticed that she always made excuses for Robert.