My Forever (23 page)

“What’s for dinner?” Jackie asks.

“We’re having a roast, fresh rolls and salad.” I hear Heidi say to her as we walk in.

“And who cooked all that?”

“Some
one at Smokehouse catering.” She
winks. “Spare the lecture, I picked it up yesterday.”

“Mom doesn’t cook,” Jackie explains
as I follow them to the kitchen
, Michael’s hand resting lightly on my lower back
.

“Oh.” I can’t imagine a mom who doesn’t cook. Those two things just seem to go together. Or, they used to go together.

I sit next to Michael, and listen and observe the way I like to do.
Jackie and I h
ave to leave before it gets too late
. She doesn’t like walking from her car to the entry of her housing community in the dark.

I’
m sad to say goodbye to Michael because
I’m sure I won’t see him this week
,
but I feel more comfortable in the house and we have a whole summer of Sundays before he leaves. I’m trying really hard to focus on the first p
art of that, and not the second.

~
~
~

“Your appointments are today, right?” Jackie’s voice is way too chipper for nine am. “I’ve cleared my whole schedule, when do we leave?” Jackie is honestly excited about driving me around to stupid appointments all day. I don’t know how she lives with the kind of enthusiasm she does.

~
~
~

“So, here’s the head,” t
he lady technician explains. “You can see the eyes and the face here…” She points
,
and I look.

I don’t know if I want to look. Do I want to see the baby that won’t be mine? I feel like if I don’t embrace the process that I’ll cheat this baby out of the experience it should have while in
utero
. Maybe that’s weird. I want the baby to feel loved.
Even if it’s just by me.

“Oh, now we’re getting to the good stuff,” the lady says. Jackie is bursting wit
h excitement. “Oh, here we are…
it’s a girl.”

Jackie lets out a little squeal.

A girl. At least I don’t have to call the baby “it” or “baby” anymore. She’s now a little girl. Wow.

“Oh…
a little girl,” Jackie croons. “Think of all the fun pretty things…”
Jackie’s in her own little world of plastic money and
shopping bags.
I can tell. It’s
okay. S
he likes it there. She’s such a welcome distraction from the thoughts that want to run into my head that I don’t know how I would have done this without her.

~
~
~

We get to the adoption office, and
Jackie waits while I sit down with my new counselor to make s
ure all my paperwork is correct. T
hey have all the boring details that accompany a move.

She ushers us into a room where I can look at possible adoptive families. This is the big thing.
The important part for me.
Jackie takes one side of their table, and I take the other. Each of us has a notebook of possible families.

I begin excited but go through the book quickly and nothing hits me. I
start at the beginning again,
flip
ping
the pages over and over. I stare at the names and faces, waiting for that small voice
to tell me what to do
. Nothing comes. I turn the next page and stare. Nothing. What am I
going to do? This is ridiculous. I have so little time left.

The family will need time to prepare, and I need to feel the peace I know will come when I get this part ta
ken care of. I sigh and
flip another page, not expecting anything at this point. Any one o
f these families would be great. D
oes it really matter so much? Would a roll of the dice work? Or pick a page number or… But I know neither of these things
are
right. I have to feel it.
To know it.
I need that.

Apparently I stay on a page for too long because Jackie sets her book aside and peers over at the smiling couple on the page in front of me.

“Them?” she asks.

I shake my head.

“Whew.” Jackie relaxes back into her seat. “Look at her shoes.”

I look at the lady’s shoes. They’re worn out tennis shoes. I don’t mind that much.

“I need to feel it…”

“Here.” She points to her chest. “I know.” She gives me a look that makes me remember there’s more to Jackie than what comes out of her mouth. “Just please don’t feel it here.
” She points at her chest again.
“When someone is wearing shoes like those.” She points back to the picture.

I laugh, once again glad Jackie’s with me. Nothing can be heavy or serious with her around.
I’m starting to get used to it, and I have a feeling it’ll save me more than once through this whole mess.

~
~
~

When we get home I’m both emotionally and physically exhausted. Maybe doing both in the same day wasn’t such a good idea. It’s hot out so I change into a bathing suit Jackie got me. As far as I can tell, there’s nothing she didn’t think of. I can’t even think about how much money she spent.

I sit on the edge of the
dock
t
o put my feet in the water. Just
a
little over a week,
and I’m happily swishing my feet arou
nd in the black looking water—
the water I didn’t like the look of when I first arrived.

“Hey there!”
Michael’s walking
up the aisle way with a pizza box in his hand.

“It’s a girl!” Jackie yells as Michael hits our dock.

He waves in acknowledgement.  I watch his face. He doesn’t know how to react to the news. The little girl won’t be sticking around. Do you still congratulate? What do you say?

I don’t know what I want to hear from him so I guess it doesn’t matter what he does or doesn’t do. He’s still dressed from the workday. His tie and jacket are gone
,
but he’s in his dress shirt and suit pants. I let myself fantasize about him coming home from work like this to me, every day. It takes my breath away, even though I let myself dream it up and know it’s not real.

“There’s shorts and a T
-shirt for you on the couch downstairs,” Jackie tells him.

Michael pauses for a second, setting down the pizza box. “Thanks.” He disappears inside and comes outside appropriately dressed for the weather.

He sits next to me to puts his feet in the water. Jackie’s eating her pizza while thumbing through magazines.

“How did your visit at the church office go today?” He leans back to get us each a slice from the box.

“Okay.”

“Any luck on the parental front?”

I shake my head.

“You look discouraged.”

“It’s so hard to hear,” I try to explain.

“Hear what?”

“When I felt like I should join the church, it was so subtle, so quiet, that I feel like I almost missed it.”

“But you didn’t.”
             

“No, I didn’t. But before that, when I knew what I wanted to do with this little baby girl, that was quiet too.” I stop for a moment. “Lucas proposed.”

“What?”
Michael’s head snaps up to look at me and he almost drops his dinner.

“Who’s Lucas?” Jackie asks from behind us.

“The father.” We answer at the same time. We stare at each other though, not Jackie.

“Oh.” Her eyebrows go up and then she takes another bite of pizza. Her magazine is only temporarily forgotten.

“Why didn’t you tell me? What happened?” He’s intent on me. I didn’t realize what a big deal it was.

“Same quiet voice. It wasn’t the right thing,” I say. Michael’s gaze is too intense and I look away. “I
wanted
to say yes. I’ve liked him since middle school.”

“What happened?” Michael asks again, quiet this time.

“Didn’t feel right.” I look down at the water, I throw in my crust, the fish or the birds will get it,
I
have no doubt.

He puts a hand on my back.  “I didn’t know, Dani. I can’t imagine…”

I’m a little bewildered about what a big deal this seems to be to him. “Bu
t this brings me to now,” I say.
“I’m worried. It was so quiet. I almost missed that one too. Probably mostly because I really wanted to say yes.” I put my hands together and dip my feet back in the water. “I’m looking at the photos of families and reading bios
,
and I’m just afraid that I’m going to miss it.”

“Don’t worry, Dani,” Jackie says from behind me. “You’ll know. You didn’t miss it the first times. You won’t miss it here. Maybe if those things had been huge spiritual experiences then something yet to come in your life won’t be when it needs to be.”

Michael and I exchange glances and then look back at her.

“What?” she asks.

“That was very insightful,” Michael says.

“Don’t look so surprised.”  Jackie laughs.

“It’s not a big deal.” I shake my head.

“Of course it’s a big deal.” His voice is quiet but forceful. “Lucas would have been an easy way to be back talking with your parents and to have a safety net and…”

“No.” I keep swishing my feet in
the water. “I have a safety net. T
he people in our ward all seem really amazing
,
and I couldn’t go back to
whatever it was I had before
.”

He puts his arms around me and squeezes me into a sideways hug
, and his
skin feels
so
warm against mine.

This is what I want. Why can’t I tell him?