My Hot New Year (4 page)

Focus…family first!  Then there's the fact that I transform into a immoral freak when I'm around him.  It’s time to get my brain back.  I swallow hard.  Panic is alive and well.  Guilt has come for a visit, too.

Mom pulls up at the front entrance.  I hug her tightly and thank her.  As I slam the car door and wave goodbye, I turn toward the building I've considered my second home for 3 years and pause.

It’s time to say goodbye.

Chapter 3: Decision Time
 

On the way to my boss’ office, I pause to check my appearance and take a deep breath.  For a moment, my heart stands still.  This is it.  It's time to move on.

Once I get close to his door, I stand there trying to appear casual, until I muster the strength to raise my fist and knock.  Then, in one motion, I reach up and make two quick vibrations on the wooden door.  

"Good afternoon, Jillian," says Jim, motioning me to the chair near his desk.

"Jim thanks for your time," I say in a friendliest professional manner I can muster.  "I just wanted to let you know that I am grateful for the position in New York, and I'm looking forward to hearing the specifics."

"Wonderful.  Let me get the ball in motion, and I'll have the folks up phone you right away and get the move started.  Sound all right?"

Oh, God.  What am I supposed to say to that?  It's so, so FINAL.  Wow.  That quick, and it's all over!

"I suppose so," I say, aware that I don't sound 110 percent convinced…and also aware that maybe I should come clean and say I’m not ready.  Somehow I swallow my emotions and press on.  To be honest, it would be a lot easier just to go grab the boxes and start packing them now.

"When would you like your end date to be here?"  He crinkles his forehead.

For an instant I can't think, let alone move.  What am I supposed to say to that?  It's such an obvious question that I am absolutely not ready to answer.

"Ummm...could we talk about that tomorrow?  I should check my kids' schedules and see what I can manage.  Is that okay with you?"

"Sure.  Let's revisit everything later this week, after you talk to New York.  Sound good?"

"Yes.  For sure," I say, trying to sound normal.  "Thanks, for everything.  I hope you have a good afternoon," I say as I begin to stand up.

"Thanks, Jillian.  Again, congratulations.  This isn't just about Scott; I want you to know that."

Jim gives me a slight smile and a handshake.

"I appreciate that," I say, and return his cordial offering before heading for the door.

I glance down at my watch.  2:05.  I consider it my time of death at Wilshire.  It happened that quickly.  As I walk back toward my cubicle, I can't help but think of my first day here.  I can even recall the plant that Mom and Dad sent me to help spruce up my barren desk.  I was so excited, I could barely sit still.  My, how quickly things can change.

I pick up my purse and walk over to the break room, trying not to give away how uneasy I feel.  My co-workers probably think I'm one of the layoffs.  I sit down at a table near the vending machine and reach for my cell.  I need to call Jake and finish the job.  Mom's right, I need to let him know that there will be no more holiday fun between these legs.  I'm a responsible mother and one of his employees.  I can't be sleeping with the corporate boss, no matter how hot he may be.

Oh, this is depressing.  The only thing that keeps me focused is the vision of my two children who are counting on me to stay out of the psych ward and capable of putting food on the table.  It's time to buck up.

Somehow, miraculously, I get Jake's voicemail.  I feel my insides jump a bit as I hear his voice again.  The thing is not to get freaked out by the memories of his lips on mine, traveling down my body.  God, he knew how to play me like a piano.

I lean forward and fan my fingers toward my face trying to cool the heat coming from my body.  What kind of power does this man have over me?

Okay, get it together.  Time to speak and don’t sound like an idiot again.

"Hhh..hi, Jake.  It's Jillian.  Listen, with all the changes I’m dealing with, I think it's best we cancel our plans for tonight.  I will be thinking of you.  I hope that we meet again someday soon.  Bye."

Wow.  I actually didn't sound half bad!  I can't believe myself.  I feel quite exhilarated as I pick my body up off the chair and head back to my desk.  As I walk back down the hall, I feel pure and refreshed.  The transformation occurring with me is unreal! Mom is right.  This independent, strong woman stuff is pretty empowering!  I mean, who needs sex, anyway?

I've gone YEARS without it, and I didn't shrivel up and die.  Sure, it wasn't exactly the most exciting time of my life, but life's not so bad.  I can do this.  I walk past Jackie, the office "hottie" at her desk and idly glance over, but I don't feel the slightest desire to be jealous of her.  I have two beautiful children and an exciting new city to explore.  I don't need a man to be happy.  I certainly don't miss Jake and all of his...his muscles and good smelling cologne.  Who needs that?

Fortunately, for me and my overwhelmed brain, it's quite an easy time to work at Wilshire.  With the new ownership and my promotion, no one is breathing down my throat.  Of course, I should look like I'm doing SOMETHING, but the fact that I'm brain dead at the moment will most likely fly under the radar.  I should be calling to let my contacts know that I'm relocating, but I know that I can do that in an e-mail later this week.

Somehow the whole afternoon goes by, and I haven't done anything but check apartment prices and schools in New York.  To be honest, I can't really concentrate on real work.  I suppose I'm too excited about my new independent woman mantra.

At 5 o'clock sharp, I begin to pack up my things.  I look down at my smartphone and notice I have no missed calls or new messages.  I slump at my desk, cupping my forehead.  He didn't call.  I guess I AM just sex to him and now that I'm moving, I'm inconvenient sex.

Mom was right.  I'm not ready for a relationship and this is NOT the kind of guy I need.  Why does she have to be right?

I want to get out of here so quickly; I'm actually throwing my laptop into my bag and swigging down the last of my coffee.  I throw away the cup and throw my purse over my shoulder and head for the door.  Mom should be parked outside.  I want to call Jake back and tell him I will meet him after all, but I told myself that I wouldn't.  I PROMISED myself - and I can't break my own promise.  I carry my things out the door and look for Mom at the entrance.  There she is, parked near the tow zone probably wondering what other disaster I've gotten myself into.

I grab the door handle and slowly open it.  It seems like two days since I was last with her, and I feel like a stronger, more competent woman.  A new beginning is clearly just what I needed.

"Hi," I say cautiously as I get into the car, dropping my purse on the passenger floor mat.

"Jillian!" my mom says with a big grin, looking positively refreshed and happy.  "I'm so happy to see you!  How are you doing?  Are you feeling all right?  I've thought a lot about your dilemma and I really want to ..."  She pauses after seeing my overwhelmed face.

I don't reply right away.  My attention is on the change of address forms on the dashboard.  These white, official-looking forms make up the most intimidating pile of documents I've seen in a long time.

"Oh, honey, I picked these up for you at the post office...”

My stomach swirls with panic.

"Mom, can we just go home for now?"

"Sure."

"Thanks."  On impulse, I reach across the console and hug her tightly.  "I'm really sorry I've become such a train wreck."

"You aren't a train wreck," says Mom, hugging me back.  "You just got a little derailed, honey.  You are going to be JUST fine.  And I know that you and the kids are going to love New York!"

"Yes," I say after a tiny pause.  "Yes, I suppose we will."

"I know you will," says Mom confidently.  "Let's get you home."

"Great," I say, as she puts the car into gear and heads for the highway.  I pick up my phone and begin to glance again through the missed calls.  Nope, he still didn't call.  You know what?  I don't care.  How could I have gotten myself SO wrapped up in him?  This time I'm going to be strong.  I'm going to sit down with Mom, plan the move, and get my act together.  I'm going to sort my life out and keep my head together from now on.  I've completely changed my attitude toward love.

"So, why do you keep looking at your phone?" asks Mom as we exit the highway.

"I don't know.  It's nothing," I say with a sigh, putting the phone down.  "I guess I am a bit scattered."

"Because of that man?" says Mom at once, and I feel myself stiffen.

"Maybe," I say after a pause.

"I know this isn't easy for you,” says Mom quietly, "but you are doing the right thing.  You will know when you meet the right person."

"I thought I did, once before!"  I admit.

"Oh, I know.  But, we've already been over Scott.  He's a lost cause and couldn't see a good woman if she hit him between the eyes." says Mom, rolling her eyes.

"Don't get me started," she says, pulling into the driveway.  Then, there’s something unexpected. “Who does this car belong to?"  She looks at me, and my head gives a sudden jolt.

"Car?"  I say abruptly.

"Yes, this black Mercedes.  It's quite nice."

I look out the window and I feel a sudden excitement.  This couldn't be, could it?

How would he even know where I live?  I never told him.  Surely this is just a very bad coincidence.  I guess he could have looked up my address with the company, but that would mean that he cared, so that's impossible.  Right?

"I can't, Mom," I say, leaning back in my seat.  "I just can't."

"You can't do what, exactly?"

"I can't get out of the car," I say and take a deep breath.  "What if it's him?  What if it's Jake?"

There's a short silence.

"Oh," says Mom.  She stares at me and her expression slowly changes.  "I didn't realize you were expecting him."

"I'm not.  I don't think he even knows where I live," I say with confusion, fully aware my open mouth could catch flies.

"Then, who is that?" asks Mom as she point out the window.

"Oh my God."

He's here.  He's at my house.  Why on earth did he come HERE?  Why couldn't he have just called...not that I would have answered the call, but still...he could have CALLED.  I mean, what kind of lunatic just shows up at my house?

"Honey, you better get yourself together, because he is walking toward this car,” Mom says, as she grabs the door handle and gets out of the car.

Now I'm alone in this car, looking like more and more of a lunatic with every passing second.  What will I say?  I can't face him.  He looks TOO good walking up to me, and I know as soon I get out of the car that I'll smell his intoxicating cologne.  My knees go weak.  Maybe I shouldn't step out of the car.  What if my legs give out and I fall?  How silly will I look then?

Wait!  Getting out is probably far less ridiculous than sitting here in the passenger seat.   Come on!  Get it together!  Okay, here we go!

A surge of humiliation goes through my body as I remember that I left that lame voicemail canceling our "meeting.”  I shake my head hard, trying to clear it, trying to calm myself, and grab the door handle.  Why the hell did I think Jake was all that great, anyway?

As I make my way out of the car, I see Jake walking directly toward me with an expression I can't quite read.  He's wearing a different suit from the one he was wearing this morning, and he's put on a fresh, blue shirt.  He looks drop dead gorgeous…the kind of gorgeous where I fight the visceral instinct to attack him right then and there.

Mom walks into the house without saying a word and leaves me to fend for myself.  I guess that's for the best...  I do not want to have to introduce the man who left me screaming "faster, faster, harder, harder,” to my mother.  Oh, God.  My heart is palpitating and I wonder if I'm going to break out in an anxiety attack right in my own front yard.

"Hello,” says Jake as I stand before him.

Breathe.  Breathe!  A flicker of humor passes over Jake's face as he notices my inability to speak.

"Hi Jake," I say very deliberately.  "What are you doing here?"

"Ah,” he says, nodding.  "That's a very good question."  He pauses and looks down.  "I thought you might want to join me for dinner tonight.  Is that a problem?" he asks.

"No!"  I say at once.

Wait a second.  Yes, it IS a problem.  I can't be going to dinner with him.  Mom said it best: no business partner of Scott's is good for me!

"Well..."  I hear my voice trail off.  "I just don't think that's the best idea.  I am not exactly in the best place right now, and I have a move to New York to prepare for."

"Excellent," says Jake.  "I knew you'd say yes."  He winks.

"Jake!  I can't!"  I shriek.  I surprise myself with my reaction.

"I don't ask women to dinner unless I want to get to know them.  And it's been a very long time since I have decided to do so...so would you please throw me a bone here?"  He pauses and winks at me again.  "Just dinner?"  He looks more handsome than should be humanly possible.

I'm not going to punish myself any longer.  I have to say yes, right?

Shaking slightly, I look up at him again and nod.  "Okay,” I say quietly.

Mom is going to be SO mad at me.

"All right, Jake Sterns, just dinner."

Chapter 4: The Surprise
 

I can't possibly believe that I'm having dinner with Jake at Randolph's Resort.  Just two hours ago, I'd sworn myself off of this beautiful man and reconciled that I would be better off alone.  It's like a dream or something.  You know the kind of dream where you tell yourself you are dreaming, but you still can't wake up?  Yes, I think that's what this is.  Okay, I’m just pretending that I'm fully comfortable and ready for this sophisticated dinner and conversation.