My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me (35 page)

My response might be just as instinctive as yours (your way of protecting yourself). So we both might respond instinctively to a situation. The difference is that how I respond is viewed as extremely negative and unacceptable (which it is!) but how you respond is deemed noble.

My behavior that provokes your reaction is viewed as intolerable and destructive (which it is), but your behavior that provokes me is never questioned because we now focus on my reaction. I feel that I am stuck on a treadmill and can never get past a certain place because we only deal with my reaction and never with your provocation.

I feel that in order for our relationship to get beyond this point (wherever this is), I have to:

1.   
Never make you feel threatened-keep total control over my actions (this I want to do).

2.   
Always react properly to any provocation from you-train myself to react totally different from what might be instinctive.

3.   
If I blow it, I have to start all over again, go back to the beginning and once more try to never do 1 or 2.

For me it feels like this: I want to have a warm bath, so I plug in the stopper and start filling the tub. As I begin to step into the full tub I accidentally splash some water out. Because of this I am told to drain the tub completely and start again. Once again I repeat the procedure trying to be more careful as I enter the tub, but this time I bump the shampoo bottle into the water thus resulting in water splashing out again. I am then told that because I splashed water out I must start the procedure over. So I do.

I keep anticipating this nice warm bath to soak in so I persist. The

third time something else happens. The wash cloth falls in first. Again I am told that I must repeat the procedure until everything is done right.

By this time I am getting cold standing there. I am frustrated. I am getting somewhat angry. But the thing that I feel the most is hurt and rejected, rejected because I didn’t do things well enough, though I wanted to and tried to, to get to the thing I desire.

There seems to be a level of measuring up that I can never reach. It seems that no matter how much I desire to have that bath or how hard I try to do things just right, something prevents me from going in. There almost seems to be some weird ritual of leading right up to the Promised Land only to be turned away time after time. Maybe I have become so used to this journey that in order to prevent feeling devastated I don’t let myself think about the Promised Land. I just keep walking up to the locked gate habitually?

Maybe I have been discouraged so many times that now I don’t believe I will ever get in? Maybe I don’t really want to get in? Maybe I am not really welcomed in the land? Maybe the inhabitants of the land won’t share its goodness with me? Maybe I can’t see myself there? Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Honey, I am trying to understand. I love you and I want to work out our relationship, but I don’t know if I can take much more of feeling the way I am. I need you to listen to me.

Love Brian.

I was touched by this letter. I wanted to work things out with him too. I loved him also, but it all seemed so difficult.

We talked quite a bit that evening about the letter, and I listened to him explain his feelings. I promised to control my reactions in the future and to listen to him. He promised to work on communicating in a calm manner, so I wouldn’t feel intimidated. We were on the right track again.

A few days later, we went to work out at the gym together, which had become part of our routine. We had a lot of fun there and it was exhilarating to be getting in such great physical shape. I had reached my ideal weight, and since I was finally eating properly, I was able to develop attractive muscle definition. Physically, I was feeling and looking wonderful. This provided a much-needed boost to my wavering self-esteem.

After our workouts we would enjoy a nice relaxing soak in the hot tub. This evening was no exception. Except for the security camera, viewed by the girls at the front desk, we were alone. This was a good opportunity to discuss our relationship. It was times like these that I asked questions I needed to, to recover from the affair. I struggled with many uncertainties:
Am I beautiful? Am I sexy? Does he really love me? Will he be faithful to me in the future? Do I understand him? Was Helen better than me? Is he maybe still seeing Helen and I just don’t know about it? Am I meeting his needs? Is he happy?

Before long, our discussion turned sour. Brian wanted to tell me something and thought I wasn’t listening. He got aggressive in his tone of voice and was almost shouting right in my face, violating my personal space.

I began to shut down and stopped listening. Brian’s frustration level began to rise. The next thing I knew, he got up out of the pool and gave me the finger, right in front of the security camera.

I felt I had been violated, pushed over the edge. I didn’t see how anything any wife could do or say to a husband could warrant such behavior.

We left the gym, not speaking to each other. Passing the front desk I was embarrassed, wondering if the staff had watched Brian’s behavior on camera.

Again Brian chose to communicate with a letter. He gave it to me the next day.

Dear Anne,

It appears to me that no matter how bluntly and honestly I tell you

how important it is for me to feel respected by you, you don’t seem to get it. No matter how bluntly and honestly I tell you that I need to feel I have a positive impact in your life, you don’t get it. When I make suggestions or give you advice, I need you to stop ignoring my words, and start putting weight in them.

And no matter how many times and how many different ways I tell you how very much I love you, you still don’t believe me. I have come to realize that you must not respect me, so I think that you should find someone who you will respect and let have impact into your life.

I tried to do what I thought was right. I tried to do what you wanted! But this has not worked. So you should park your boots under someone else’s bed because I cannot bear the thought that the person I love cannot respect me.

You can let me know how soon you plan to do this because I do not plan on sleeping on the couch for more than tonight.

I am sorry that I react to the words you say. I am sorry I have not made it plain or clear enough. I ask you to forgive me for how I gestured you in the pool. That was completely wrong and it will never happen again.

Brian

I was frustrated. I did respect him and he did have an impact on my life. I didn’t understand why I was falling hopelessly short of communicating that love and respect to him. I felt sad that I had hurt him so much.

So after I read the letter, we talked some more. I apologized for not listening, and explained that I was trying to understand him. We talked for an hour or two, and I felt a little more hopeful about our future, until Brian shared something a friend told him that day.

This friend suggested that, considering the way Brian was feeling, it was surprising he hadn’t had an affair years earlier.

I was burning with fury on the inside.
How dare some person stand around and say more or less that I deserved for this to happen to me?

How dare they say that it was almost inevitable that my husband hurt me so tremendously by betraying me with another woman? How dare someone insinuate that it was inevitable? What kind of stupid person could say such a thing,
I wondered?
Did this person have no compassion at all in their entire body? Did this person not have a clue how painful affairs are to the one who is betrayed? Did this person actually think that anyone could be deserving of such cruelty?

I demanded to know who it was, but Brian wouldn’t tell me.

“Anne, it doesn’t matter. It’s just something someone said. The fact is that I have felt disrespected and not listened to by you for some time. And considering the way I really felt, this person thought it was surprising I hadn’t had an affair sooner.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that you felt disrespected and that I didn’t listen?” I questioned.

“I did try, but you would never listen to me. You became defensive, and told me I was wrong for feeling that way. Then you would get depressed for days, and start saying that I didn’t love you, and I would have to spend what felt like forever re-proving my love to you. You never seem to believe that I love you.”

I felt as though I had been living inside a bubble, in a fairytale world believing only what I had wanted to believe; only what I had been strong enough to believe. Now my bubble was being burst. I could no longer remain in the idealism I longed for. Reality was bursting in. I was doing everything within my psyche to keep that painful truth and reality out. I did not want to see my own fault in the relationship breakdown. It hurt too much.

I kept pressing Brian to tell me who had made this statement.

“Look, it’s someone who cares about you and you don’t need to know who it is,” he said.

“Someone who cares about me would never say such a thing,” I said.

I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. I was not going to rest until

I knew who it was. Finally, Brian told me. It was Pierre Desportes.

Two of our closest friends were Pierre and Jackie Desportes. Pierre was a man who spoke with kindness, confidence and wisdom. He had moved to our small town outside Calgary to start a church in 1985. We bonded with him and his wife almost as soon as we met. We became the first members of their new church, and in the years that followed we dedicated many hours to helping out in whatever way we could.

One year, 1988, Pierre and his wife Jackie dedicated themselves to meeting with us once a week, taking us through a study on the principles of healthy marriage relationships. They had done this because they loved us. Pierre and Jackie were open and honest with us about their own marriage, sharing their personal struggles and how they overcame them. This deepened our friendship, respect, and trust for them, a trust that was to last a lifetime.

And this was the person who had said he was surprised Brian hadn’t had an affair sooner! A man, who had given so generously to us, brought so many positive things into our lives, our mentor and our friend. I
knew
Pierre cared about me. Was this the man who said such a hurtful thing?

I was stunned, also slightly calmed down. If it was Pierre who said this, there must be some explanation. There must be some truth. If anyone else had said this, I would only have been angry, but Pierre had earned the place in our lives to say such a thing and have me hear the words. I called him the next morning, to get an explanation.

“Pierre, this is Anne,” I said.

“Anne, how are you?” he said. “How are things going?”

“They are not going very well at all. That’s why I am calling,” I said. “Something is really bothering me. Brian told me you said considering the way Brian was feeling it is surprising that he didn’t have an affair sooner. What do you mean? Are you saying I deserved for this to happen to me?”

“No, I’m not saying that you deserved for this to happen to you,” he explained kindly. I’m saying that considering the way Brian has been feeling on the inside, it’s surprising he didn’t have an affair sooner. The man has been so frustrated. You do not communicate your respect towards him.”

Pierre explained to me how I was always expecting perfection from Brian, how I really wasn’t overlooking his faults, and how I didn’t listen because, unless Brian got his communication perfect, I spent all my time correcting him instead of giving him the respect ofjust hearing what he had to say.

I listened as Pierre, who knew and understood Brian, explained to me what Brian’s needs were, what his perspective was and how I was not innocent in this relationship. I saw how I had caused pain in my husband’s life, much the same as he had caused me pain.

For the first time I was able to see my part in the relationship breakdown. I opened up my heart to the truth and allowed the false security of my fairytale bubble to fade away, replacing it with reality. What was reality? The reality was I was not a perfect wife, Brian was not a perfect husband and we did not have a perfect marriage, but in the midst of all of our imperfections our love for one another was very real.

This was a major turning point in the healing of our relationship, and I don’t believe we could ever have healed if I hadn’t reached this point. The point where I stopped just looking at what Brian had done to me, and started to see what I also had done to Brian.

After talking with Pierre, having a big cry and really thinking about what he said, I wrote this letter to my husband:

Dear Brian,

I am writing to you first of all to apologize for disrespecting you, for not allowing the things you say to impact my life, for giving more respect to others than to my very own husband, for placing more weight on the things other people say than on the things you say, for completely exasperating you by getting stuck on what people say or on what you say

and harping on them over and over and over again regardless of anything you say to make it better.