My Most Precious One (19 page)

“Jacob can I give you something for him before I go?” He nodded understanding what was going on. He opened the door to his Q7.

I had gotten him a Glen Garioch bottle of whiskey, it was forty six years old and was a limited edition, it was expensive, but he was worth it.

“I got him a whiskey, it’s stupid I know but he likes them so much I couldn’t resist.” I gave him the bottle. I looked over to Mike, he wasn’t tall but rather he had a small build and a shaved head.

“Can I trust him to take me home?” Jacob nodded.

“Mike works for Mr. Blakk so you don’t need to worry. Look Lexi he didn’t know what Mollie was doing. He’s…” I held my hand up.

“Whatever, I just want to go home now. Goodbye Jacob.” I walked over to Mike and he held the door open for me, I crawled in as he closed the door I could see Jacob heading inside.

The drive back was long. Mike tried several times to apologize, but I was lost in my thoughts. My heart had just been trampled on. The world around me no longer had this rosy tint but rather a dull colour of grey. I was a broken soul, the mate I thought was only chosen for me ended up being nothing more than a nightmare I had dreamt of.

We finally made it back to my place. I found it odd that Mike knew where I lived, even though I didn’t give him directions. I shrugged it off, wanting my bed. I had called Philip on my drive up asking for some time off, which he gladly gave me. He was overstaffed and I was overdue. He told me he’d see me in two weeks and hung up.

I went to open the car door, but Mike was quicker.

“Ms. Lexi, can I at least say something?” I nodded. “I’ve worked for Mr. Blakk for awhile, I don’t know if I’ll have my job after this, but it’s only after you came into his life that Mr. Blakk became sorta human. He even talked about you when I would drive him around. I don’t really know what’s going on and it’s not my business, but, Mr. Blakk really does care for you.” I walked away from Mike, he was right it really wasn’t his business.

The Letters

As I closed the door of my home, I collapsed on the floor. I sat with my back to the door. I fished out my Iphone, I had two missed calls. Both Kaci and Roxi had called and texted me, wondering which exotic place was Lukas taking me to that I needed two weeks off. Kaci congratulated me for giving in and finally having fun, while Roxi told me to have wild sex.

I cried my eyes out just thinking about how much I wish I was in Lukas’s arms right now. I felt cold, naked, alone. I curled up in a ball and cried for hours. The heart wrenching pain that rippled through me, numbed me from head to toe. It was early morning when I finally peeled my broken body off the floor. The sun’s rays came peering into my condo. I never knew that the morning light could be so devastating.

I didn’t bother with music or with food. I took a shower letting the hot water spray all over me. I grabbed my loofah sponge and roughly scrubbed my skin. I wanted to wash away everything, the pain, the loss, the void. I scrubbed myself until my skin hurt. I turned off the water and wrapped a towel around me, the mirror had steamed up. I wiped it down and there looking back at me was her face. I wanted to break the mirror, but I calmed myself down. Was it like that every time he saw me? Did he see her? Was I only there because of my face?

I lay down in my bed and plugged my phone in letting it rest on my night stand. The battery had run out during the night, but it came to life only after a few minutes. I had a few missed calls and a message from Lukas. I hesitated, but I wanted to hear his voice. I reached for my phone and pressed play for the voice message he left me.

He breathed heavy at first, I could hear him rustling in the background,
“Alexia, my Alexia…”
He was drunk his words were slurred and rough.
“I already miss you, your voice, your eyes….the fact that I want you, that I’ll miss you…does it really mean so little to you?”
He stopped, he took a deep breath. I could hear him sobbing.
“I’ll yearn for you, desire for you… crave your touch, to feel your warmth in my hands, to feel your heart beating as I hold you in my arms… Alexia does it really mean nothing to you? I should have told you about Olivia, but… I didn’t, I didn’t want to lose you. Tell me what to do? How am I supposed to live on like this without my home, my world?”
He sighed heavily
“Losing her was a pain I thought I could never endure again, but losing you? It’s unbearable. I can’t do it Alexia, its killing me. I need you too damn much. Wait for me baby, I’ll come to you. I’ll fight for you, for us
.”

I played his message over and over again. A few days had passed and I lived off very little but my nerves. I had lost a lot of weight and only stayed in bed watching old Technicolor movies. Lukas never came, even though a small part of me wished he had.

A few more days had passed and a knock came at my door. My heart stopped. I felt the nervousness take over me as I stayed still in bed. The knock became louder and I eventually surrendered to whatever might be waiting for me on the other side. I stood in front of my door and looked though the peep hole. It was a young lady holding flowers.

I opened the door. “Bonjour mademoiselle, I have a deliver for you.” She said in her French accent. I held the door open, a slew of people walked in, each carrying a bouquet of flowers, some were roses others were peonies. When they had finished, the woman nodded at me and left. I stood in wonder as I looked around my condo. My home was completely covered in flowers. Each bouquet was in a vase with water and small notes were attached to every one of them. I chose the red roses looking at how beautiful and full they were. I opened the envelope and pulled out the letter.

“I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in

F. W.

“I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father’s house this evening or never.”

I smiled. It was the letter Captain Wentworth wrote to Anne in Jane Austen’s Persuasion. I told him that I thought it was the most romantic letter ever written. He laughed at me thinking I was too sentimental.

I pulled the note attached to another set of roses, these ones were white.

“Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.”

Twelfth Night from Shakespeare

What was he trying to say, that I was a love he didn’t expect. I went around and pulled all the notes that were attached to the flowers and headed to my room. I threw them on my nightstand as I eased myself into bed and continued to watch my movies.

I could almost hear the words calling out to me, the notes that he had so painstakingly written. I turned and looked at the pile, almost afraid to touch them. Knowing that he would taint the very books I loved, knowing that he would pull me back into our world. I caved in as I took one of the envelopes,

“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”

Damn him for using Darcy’s line in Pride and Prejudice. I threw the note on the floor, I got myself up and readied for bed, waiting for sleep to come. It never did.

Once Judy Garland’s The Harvey Girls ended, I felt the itch to read another of his letters.

“I have for the first time found what I can truly love-I have found you. You are my sympathy-my better self- my good angel- I am bound to you with a strong attachment. I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my centre and spring of life, wrap my existence about you-and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one.”

I had read these very words to Lukas trying to explain what Rochester meant as he spoke these words to Jane Eyre. My eyes wet from tears, the lump in my throat was not leaving. I closed my eyes wrapping myself with my sheets, please let sleep come.

I had taken a shower and decided to finally try to eat something, I wasn’t hungry, but I knew logically I needed to eat. The flowers that had filled my condo were still blooming, filling my space with a lively smell. I leaned against the counter drinking my bottle of water, when I reached for a pink peony. It smelled divine, its soft petals soothing my fingers. I put my bottle down and moved the vase, when my hand landed on a note I hadn’t picked up. I hesitated. I had decided to not look at these anymore. Each quote, each letter, dragged me in deeper. I stared at it waiting, I sighed when my resolve wavered and I gave in.

When you were not here with me the days you were working, I wanted to be nearer to you, to hear your thoughts and understand your feelings. So I picked up the books you loved so much and read them. That’s when I knew that without a doubt, you were the one for me, a woman of strong mind and of a great heart. Alexia, I know I screwed up. I know that you might never in this lifetime ever forgive me. That my time with you is over, that our world is destroyed, but I will never be able to let you go. I want to tell you about Olivia, but not through a letter, I want to see you, to see how you are, to feel your living breathing body next to mine. All I can ever say is sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry that I kept this from you. I just sorry. I love you.

Forever yours Lukas

The Set Up

His letter only opened up the wounds that had barely begun to heal. He was sorry and so was I. I was angry more at myself than at him, I had let him in, let him take over my life, my mother was right I was stupid.

I had no real food in the house. I begrudgingly decided I needed to go out. There was a market close by and I could pick up some food. The light of the sun hurt my now sensitive eyes, the world around me continued to thrive as I withered inside. I took a deep breath and continued on my way, the jeans I wore were nearly falling off as I walked. I chagrined knowing I did this to myself.

As I sat on my patio finishing my salad when my phone rang, my throat closed up, my heart lurked. Could it be Lukas? I walked over to the counter where I had left it after I came back home. It was Stella, wondering if I could see her at the coffee house this afternoon. I texted that I wasn’t feeling up to it, but she insisted I come.

I had walked into the café to see her quietly yelling at my mother. My heart sunk even lower. I never knew the depths of this dark abyss could be so bottomless. I followed Stella’s gestures and saw a man sitting by the same table I sat with Lukas a few months ago. He smiled at me, instantly I knew my mother had set me up and Stella was somehow wrangled into it.

I accepted my fate and walked over to him, leaving both Stella and my mother arguing.

“Hi, I’m Alexia.” I managed to say. He smiled. He was good looking, no doubt with strong features and dark brown eyes. I could tell he was tall and had a strong built.

“I’m Niko.” He extended his hand, but I didn’t take it, I just sat down in front of him. “I’m sorry your mother probably didn’t tell you that I was here.” He continued to say. I nodded.

“No, she didn’t.” He switched it to Greek and asked me if I wanted something to drink, I shook my head no. He spoke both languages perfectly.

“You’re not from here are you?” I asked remembering that I had asked Lukas that very question in this very spot.

He smiled. “I was raised in Greece and was brought here when I was a teen. I’ve been going back and forth ever since.” He reached for his coffee and drank a sip. He put it down and eyed me carefully.

“You’re not happy about being set up?”

I let out a loud sigh. “No, I not. As a matter of fact, I hate it.”

He laughed. “So do I.” I narrowed my eyes, not believing him.

“So why come here?” I asked.

“I wanted to see the famed Alexia, the mouthy girl with a great strength in character.” He made me laugh.

“Look, not all Greeks are typically the same.” He added.

“I know that. It’s just that I’d rather find someone that I want, not my mother.” I said flatly. He leaned back into the chair.

“So why not give me a try? Your mother didn’t technically introduce us and I like what I see.” He said candidly.

I nearly threw up in my mouth. The bile burned in my throat. I was not in the right mind set for this.

“Had I not been in a bad place I would have maybe agreed, but right now I can’t. I’m sorry.” I said honestly. He reached over and touched my hand, I instantly pulled away.

“I’ll wait until your storm passes. How does that sound? This way we can be just friends for now and I could be your sounding board.” He offered. I watched him intently, was he being serious? He was good looking, that I couldn’t take from him. He was intelligent and I could actually hold a conversation with him, but my heart was still branded with the name of Lukas all over it. There was no way any man could ever remove it.

“She has enough friends.” I heard a growl from behind me. His voice washed over me, making my body shake. I could feel my body almost coming back to life.

“I’m sorry, but who are you?” He asked narrowing his eyes.

My mother hurried over. “He is no one.” She turned to Lukas. “Can you not leave, don’t you see she is better off with our kind. He will understand her in ways you will never be able to, so just leave us.” She screamed.

Stella pulled on her arm, “Thea!”

Lukas ignored them all. I could feel his eyes on me. My body was coming back to life wanting its own sun back, wanting so badly to go back to its private world. He reached for my hand.“Alexia?” He almost asked as he pulled me off my seat and took us out of the café. We continued to walk. His large steps making me quicken my pace. His touch burning my skin, as tears began to roll down my cheeks. My eyes blurred and I almost tripped. He turned and picked me up and carried me to his waiting car. Mike stood at the car door waiting for us. I could hear my mother screaming and running after us, but it was too late. I could no longer hear her muffled screams to get back here and see Niko.

I didn’t realize that I had fallen asleep. I awoke to the all too familiar warmth of Lukas’ body as I lay wrapped in his embrace. I pretended to be asleep so that I could stay longer, knowing the moment I was awake I needed to leave. I could feel him caressing my cheeks and hold me gently as he breathed in my scent. “I love you.” He whispered.

I stirred and finally moved, it was too painful to be here, to want this knowing what I knew. He stood up from his bed and blocked the door, afraid that I’d bolt out of there.

“You lost a lot of weight.” His voice was so full of concern. It hurt to hear him being so worried. Was he concerned for me or for this lost love he had? “Are you eating?” He asked again, but I didn’t answer. “I know you’re not sleeping, how could you? You fell asleep the moment I carried you. God baby, you look so exhausted. It breaks me even more seeing you like this.” He voice grew hoarser.

“How did you know I was there?” I blurted out.

“What? On your little date?” He hissed.

“Easy, I have a bodyguard on you. I had one on you since I met you.” I sat there shocked.

“I told you that I needed you safe.” He banged the wall with his fist. “How could you go? How could you just agree to this and start seeing him? Alexia I know you, I know you’re just as broken as I am right now.” He cried out.

“I didn’t know.” I barely whispered it “she tricked me.” I wiped the small tears that were now falling.

“Were you going to agree to his idea, to his…?” He stopped I could tell he was getting angrier.

“No, I wasn’t.” He let out a sigh and stood watching me for the longest time. He stared at me, drinking me in and I let him. I knew all he was seeing was her face, maybe he missed her, maybe that’s all I was to him, but to me he was the very thing that gave me life.

I licked my dry lips, my eyes hurt and burned from all the tears I had cried.

“Stop looking at me.” I finally wailed warning him.

“Why?” He asked knowing where this was going.

“You must have really loved her to fight this hard for a ghost.” His fist clenched and his breathing became erratic.

“When you see me, you see her, don’t you?” I questioned. He opened his mouth to say something, but he didn’t, his eyes brimming with tears, he walked over to me and sat at the edge of the bed.

“Olivia was… I had known her since we had gone to university. She caught my attention with her cute little ways. She smiled a lot and loved life. She was charming and her voice sounded like someone singing. She was quiet and demure, but my parents hated her. She had no money and no family, but I didn’t care. They treated her with contempt and hate. Olivia cried a lot, wanting to gain their approval.” He stopped and smiled probably at a memory of her. “It all became too much for her and we broke up. A few years went by and I had dated, but couldn’t get her out of my mind. She was the exact opposite of my family and I needed her warmth and her love. I found her and we got back together. We announced that we had decided to marry. My family’s behaviour grew more cold and vicious towards her, but she no longer cared. She was going for her finally dress fitting when… she was hit by a car. She died from her injuries three days later. My parents said that it was fate. That she wasn’t meant to be with me, that Mollie was my perfect fit. That’s when I cut my ties with them. They have always wanted Mollie and her parents’ power and wealth at their disposal.”

My heart broke for Lukas as he told me his story, he reached for my face, but I jerked away still uncomfortable with myself and him. His hand fell to my side.

“After her death I poured myself into my business, wanting nothing more than to be rid of my parents and their connections. By day I worked, but at night I would lose myself in alcohol and women. I blamed my parents for her death. I knew it wasn’t them that killed her, but they wanted her gone and it was enough for me to hate them. I have barely spoken to them in the last twelve years.” I watched as my Suit poured out his heart wanting me to know everything about him.

“When I came to Montréal a few months ago to open my new branch, I walked into the bistro and you had your back turned to me as I sat down. I could hear you laughing loudly and unapologetically. You said some crude joke that made Roxi and Kaci laugh. The three of you were just so lost in your world. Hearing your voice, it was perfect combination of low and sultry. It brought a smile to my face. I thought that I might have found someone to enjoy myself with, in my brief stay here. That’s when you turned around. It was like a ghost had come back to haunt me.”

I looked away from him not wanting to hear this. He carefully placed his hand on my cheek and pushed me back to look at his face.

“I knew it wasn’t her the moment you opened you mouth. You were so lively. You had this vivacious personality that made me know you were not my Olivia. Your bright green eyes drank me in like I was something you had craved for all your life. It made me hard just looking at you. With Olivia everything was sweet and nice, but with you it was real and remarkable. You were wild and untamed and I wanted you so fucken badly. After that day, I never thought of Olivia again, I only thought of you. I thought of the different ways that I wanted fuck you. How the touch of your skin would feel? I would dream about the face you would give me when I made you cum. Until one day, when all I thought of was you, in my arms sleeping. I would come every day just to smell your scent, to see you and lust after you. Just like you did whenever you saw me.”

He stopped and waited hoping his words were working.

“I want to believe you, but…” I really did, but my heart and my mind were too conflicted right now. He looked away from me, sucking in his lips like his plan somehow didn’t work.

“But you don’t trust me. You don’t trust my words.” He finished my thought. I tried to move away from him, I needed to get home and process all this.

“Don’t leave me… losing Olivia hurt, it created a scar on my heart that I couldn’t heal, but you leaving me in New York nearly killed me.” He stood from the bed and began pacing.

“I haven’t slept. I haven’t eaten. I keep replaying everything in my mind. Trying to figure out when I could have told you. How I would have said it to you.” His voice grew louder, a quiet rage smoldered as he spoke.

“I would lay awake at night thinking about you, laughing and joking with me. I would imagine you underneath me, your warm little body wrapped in my arms as I would make love to you.” He reached for me grabbing my arm and holding me tight.

“Just…Just don’t leave me, I’ll give you space, I’ll leave you alone, but just don’t end it.”

“Lukas, I need to go.” I whispered. No more tears came, I had no more to give. He released my arm and I willed my body to move. As I made it to the door Lukas finally spoke.

“I was wrong to tell you I loved you the way I did, but Alexia I want you to know that I so fucken love you. You are mine, you will always be mine. I’ll be here waiting for you.”

I had another week to myself. My mother left irate messages on my phone and I chose to erase them, rather than to listen to how much I disappointed her. I slept better and had a bit of an appetite after listening to Lukas’ story. It somehow made me feel at ease, the gnawing questions were now at bay. I still loathed my face, hating that I was some kind of reminder to him of a past lover. Lukas kept true to his word and gave me space. I wanted to believe him, to fall back into his arms, but it wasn’t as easy as that. I had the face of his dead fiancé for fuck sakes.

My phone chimed that night

Thinking of u, I love you.