My Point ... And I Do Have One

BOOK: My Point ... And I Do Have One

This edition contains the complete text of the original hardcover edition.


A Bantam Book


Bantam hardcover edition published October 1995
Bantam paperback edition / October 1996

Grateful acknowledgment is made to quote from the following songs: “Joy to the World” © 1970 Irving Music, Inc. (BMJ). All rights reserved. International © secured. Used by permission. “Respect” © 1965, Renewed 1993, Irving Music, Inc. (BMI). All rights reserved. International © secured. Used by permission. “Movin’ On Up”—Jeff Barry & Janet Dubois. Copyright © 1975 (Renewed 1981) by Belfast Music. All rights administered by EMI Music Publishing (Publishing) and Warner Bros. Publications U.S. Inc. (Print). All rights reserved. “Day-O”—words and music by Irving Burgie and William Attaway. Copyright © 1955; Renewed 1983 by Lord Burgess Music Publishing Company (ASCAP)/Cherry Lane Music Publishing, Inc. (ASCAP). Worldwide rights for Lord Burgess Music Publishing Company administered by Cherry Lane Music Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission. “I’m A Little Teapot”—Written by Clarence Kelley and George Sanders. Copyright © 1939 Kelman Music Corporation. Copyright renewed 1967 by Marilyn Sanders O’Bradovich. International Copyright Secured. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

All rights reserved.
Copyright © 1995 by Crazy Monkey, Inc.
Illustrations copyright © 1995 by Susan Rose.
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 95-34084.
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
For information address: Bantam Books.

eISBN: 978-0-307-76562-8

Bantam Books are published by Bantam Books, a division of Random House, Inc. Its trademark, consisting of the words “Bantam Books” and the portrayal of a rooster, is Registered in U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and in other countries. Marca Registrada. Bantam Books, New York, New York.




Title Page



A Note from the Author
Thanks for No Memory
A Letter to My Friend
A Frog in a Sombrero Does Not a Party Make
Daily Affirmations
A Cup of Pudding a Day Is the Way to Stay O.K
Ellen DeGeneres: Road Warrior
Sometimes You Need a Map
Sometimes You Need a Globe
Sometimes You Need a Map and a Globe

but Not Very Often
The Plane Truth
Dem Ain’t Goobers, Dem’s Peanuts!
Ellen’s New Hobby
I Went to a Psychic
Baloney Is Just Salami with an Inferiority Complex
How to Explain Sex to a Child
Where There’s a Corn Chip
There’s Bound to Be Hot Sauce
In the Kitchen with Ellen
As Tasty as Poison and Just as Deadlye
Things That Sound Like a Good Idea at First, but Really Aren’t
Ellen DeGeneres Is a Man!
Ellen DeGeneres Is a Man!
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
The Scariest Thing
The Time Ellen DeGeneres Had an Emergency!
One Step Closer to God
One Step Back
You Do the Hokey-Pokey
and You Turn Yourself Around
The Ellie-Gellie
Things to Do If You’re Stuck in an Elevator to Help You Pass the Time
Ellen’s Wild Kingdom
You Can Put High Heels on a Poodle, but That Won’t Make It a Hooker
Ask Ellen
It Might Look Like Honey, It Might Taste Like Honey, and Bless My Corns, It Might Even
Crazy Superstitions That Really Work!
The Benefits of Being a Celebrity by Ellen DeGeneres, Big Enormous Star
Your Own Fantasy Conversation with Ellen DeGeneres
Experiments in Human Behavior
Ellen’s Sure-Fire Cures for the Things That Ail Ye
The Last Chapter

I wish to thank a few people for their support and love, which are two of the most important things in my life: Betty DeGeneres, Elliott DeGeneres (or Mom and Dad), Vance DeGeneres, Arthur Imparato, Rob Weisbach, Alex Herschlag, Sue Rose, Lisa Phillips, J. J. Harris, Jeremy Zimmer, Ted Harbert, Stu Bloomberg, Renee Kurtz, Michael Eisner, Rich Frank, Dean Valentine, Jan Nash, Karen Kawahara, and Eric Bilardi. And all of the people who come up to me on the street and tell me nice things. Thank you.

    A Note from the Author

Hello and welcome to my book (and now yours). Thank you for your interest in my thoughts, my words of wisdom, and my recipe for French toast. Throughout the year it took me to write this, I wrote in solitude, recording my thoughts as they came to me, digging up old memories, pouring out my heart and soul. Then, at the end of the process, I hoped and prayed to God that there were a few people out there who would enjoy it.

As you may have noticed, my mind does not work the same as most. That is to say, I’m sort of, well—different—and yet it seems to have worked for me. So as you read this, I hope it does what I intended it to do when I decided to write it. I hope it entertains you, inspires you, makes you laugh, makes you think, makes you smile, makes you feel better about yourself, makes you more aware of your feelings, makes you love your brothers and sisters, makes you more successful in life, makes you wealthier, makes you exercise more, makes you eat healthier, makes you stop smoking, makes you taller, thinner, more beautiful, more fluent in Spanish! Or at least makes you not regret buying it.

Ellen DeGeneres
June 1995

thanks for no

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