My Reality (8 page)

At the time, Tye was not the only factor I was considering.

Tye was just Factor #1.

Factor #2: I also had a full-time job. Factor #3: I had an apartment with my roommate, Leah, with whom I shared rent and bills.

I couldn’t afford to go on the show and come back to no job. I wouldn’t be able to pay rent on our apartment if I didn’t have a job. And I certainly couldn’t just abandon Leah.

Of course, Factor #1, Tye, was at the forefront of my mind. I wondered if there would even be a Tye to come home to afterward,
if I went and did the show. Or maybe this would be the thing that would finally make him move on completely. As much as I still loved him, after months of being yanked around, I wondered if I even wanted him to be there when I got back. So there were a lot of issues that had to be dealt with, and I didn’t even know where to start.

First, I decided I should deal with my job situation. It would be a make-or-break issue, since going on the show wouldn’t even be an option, if they were going to fire me. I sat down with my boss and told him that I needed to take a leave from work. Because of the confidentiality agreement I had already signed for the show, I couldn’t tell anyone where I was going or what I was doing. Try explaining that to your boss:

“So, I need to take some time off work,” I said. “I can’t really tell you why, or how long I might be gone. It could be anywhere from two weeks to three months. Will you hold my job for me, please??”

I know, I know, it sounded unbelievable to me, even as the words were coming out of my mouth. And it sounds just as ludicrous to me now. But, for some reason, he went for it. He said he could hold my job for me until I got back—I would just have to take an unpaid leave of absence.

Wow . . . Really?? That seemed too easy.

I could live with that; as we all know, I wasn’t exactly in love with my job. And at least that was one major issue checked off my list.

Next up: The roommate. I sat down with Leah one night when we were both home. I really liked her, and I didn’t want to make her feel like I was leaving her in the lurch. But I knew I had to explain what was going on and see what she said. I told her I was probably
going to need to move out, but I wanted her to know that I would definitely stay if it were going to be a huge inconvenience to find a new roommate.

Shockingly, she totally understood, which was such a relief! She even had an idea for a replacement roommate—one of our fellow Cowboys Cheerleaders. We immediately called this girl to see if she’d be interested, and she said yes right then.

Fantastic!! Gosh, that was really easy, too!

I was so happy to have it work out.

Last up (and most important): Tye. This was the conversation I had been dreading the most because I really had no idea how he would respond. I felt that, in a perfect world, I could go have this great experience on
The Bachelor.
And then, I could come back home, and he’d still be interested in dating me. The worst-case scenario was that he’d get mad at me and never want to talk to me again. Of course, that would have devastated me. But, at least, that would have been something different to finally get us out of our rut. After six months of emotional turmoil, I was sick of not getting what I wanted, and not seeing any end to our pattern in sight. I was hoping that this wasn’t going to be the end of us. But, either way, I had to do something.

I had had the contract for about two weeks, and I was facing the deadline for turning it in when I went over to Tye’s condo for dinner. This was during one of our on-again times, which made it even more difficult for me to start this conversation I dreaded.

He picked up some sushi—which I loved! He knew sushi was my favorite food. This was just the kind of consideration I had wanted him to show me for the past year.

We sat up on the rooftop patio at his condo, which was one of my favorite places in the world to be. We had the radio turned on, and we were sitting there together, eating our sushi, talking
and joking around, like we always did. Except, this night was different. I knew I needed to tell him that I was seriously thinking about doing
The Bachelor
, and that I might be leaving soon, but I didn’t know how to do it. I had a pit in my stomach, and I’m sure I seemed nervous. I hated to bring anything like this up when things were so good . . .

What if I don’t say anything, and we just continue like this, and then we’re just good from here on out?

Oh, Melissa.

I still wanted things to work out with Tye so badly that I was eager to turn every good moment we had into proof that he wanted to be with me in the same way.

I was just working up my nerve to finally say something, when Tye handed me a manila envelope. I had no idea what it was, and I’m sure I had a confused look on my face as I took it from him.

“I want to talk to you,” he said.

“Oh, okay,” I said.

I looked at the envelope. My heart immediately started pounding in my chest.
What is this all about? I can’t handle anymore surprises.

“Open it,” he said.

Inside was a chain of emails he had printed out. I saw that it started with an email from my friend Reagan to Tye, and then his email back to her. As I read, tears came into my eyes. I had no idea Reagan had done this, and her words were hard to face:

“Please leave her alone. She has such great opportunities now. She’s going on
The Bachelor.
And she doesn’t need you getting in the way and messing it up. Because she will give it up for you. If you care anything about her, or ever did, you need to let her go.”

I read her words, and my hands started shaking. I couldn’t decide if I was angry, or grateful, she had done this. It depended on
Tye’s response. So I continued through the chain and read his reply back to her:

“I promise you that I will support her and be honest with her. But I will not promise to ‘let her go.’ I am sorry if this sounds ‘selfish,’ but I am not going to ignore her if she calls and wants my opinion. If she wants to go, I will surely not stop her.”

Oh my gosh, he knows about this!

I was shocked. Shocked that Reagan had contacted him. Shocked that he had written her back. Shocked that he knew about my secret.

I looked up to see the reaction on his face, but he was looking down. His hands were on his head. I couldn’t read him at all . . . I didn’t even know what my reaction was. But I did want to know what he was thinking.

Was he okay with it? Was he upset?

Not that he really had any right to have a reaction, or to be upset. He wasn’t my boyfriend. He wasn’t even really dating me. If he was, he wasn’t treating me with much respect. The email had also contained a long explanation from him of why he felt like he couldn’t be with me, even though it killed him that he might risk losing me because of it. He also mentioned our poor communication and the problems it caused. I reread the line about where he was at in his life and with our relationship:

It kills me everyday to know that we are not together, and that in this “process” I may lose her. But the timing is not right. There are a lot of things going on in my life right now that I am unsure about (current job, starting a company, where I am living,
faith
, etc.), and until I get myself figured out, I can’t afford to bring the person I care about most into my confusion.

It was so hard for me to read because he’d made it clear how much he cared about me after all, but he’d also confirmed that he wasn’t able to get back together with me right now. This was definitely something that I needed to see. Parts of what he said made me feel good, but it also made my heart ache. Again.

Then I looked at the date on the email. He had received it more than a week ago and hadn’t said anything to me about it. That absolutely crushed me. I stopped reading and looked at him until he finally looked up at me. Both of us sat there in silence for what seemed like forever. Then he told me that he had actually found out about
The Bachelor
BEFORE he got Reagan’s email!

“My mom is the one who told me,” he said.

Now I was really shocked. He had heard from his mom, of all people? Well, yes, because her best friend’s neighbor was my best friend’s mom, and she’d heard it from her. Now I was really embarrassed . . .

I didn’t want his parents to know anything about this!

“Are you going?” he asked.

“Well, yeah, I think I’m going to go,” I said.

I was still worried about his reaction, so I quickly tried to soften the blow.

“I’m not going to find a relationship,” I said. “I’m not going to find love. Or be on TV. I just need something new. I need to get out of this rut that I’m in. I need a change in my life. I think I need to go.”

He told me that one of his brother’s ex-girlfriends had gone on
The Bachelor
about four years earlier, and she said she felt like she’d embarrassed herself.

“I won’t do that,” I said. “I’m really just going to go, you know?”

I suddenly felt so relieved that he already knew. I was still
watching him closely, but it didn’t seem to bother him! It never crossed my mind why it didn’t bother him. I just assumed he was cool with letting me go grab a great experience, and then come home and start over with him. Of course, looking back, it makes sense that he didn’t care, because he wasn’t really emotionally invested in me right then. But in the moment, I was just happy that things were fine between us. The conversation ended, we went downstairs, watched TV, and acted (like we always did) like this huge conversation had never happened.

I was actually feeling pretty good, because it seemed like the best-case scenario to me: I got to go do this crazy, exciting new thing, and then, when I came home to him, he would probably still want to date me.

But I couldn’t quite let it go. I wanted to beg him to give me a reason to stay, but I was still afraid of scaring him off. At the end of the night, when it was time for me to leave, I told him that there was still another option.

“I haven’t signed my contract yet,” I said. “It’s not official that I have to leave. I don’t have to go if you feel weird about it. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable about anything.”

I don’t know where that came from, because now that I knew he wasn’t going to fight for me to stay with him, I actually wanted to go. I was so disappointed that he couldn’t be with me right then that I had quickly forgotten all of the caring things he had written about me in his email. I was hurt and mad and let down all over again, and I wanted to get away from him. But I still couldn’t quite get clear of him. Whenever we were together, my feelings for him always rose to the surface and kept me from thinking clearly about what I really wanted, except for how much I wanted him.

And then, he spoke words that stabbed me straight in the heart:

“I think you should go. You should go and have fun.”

WHAT???

I stared at him in shock.

Did he really just say that? Did he really not care if I left or not? Did he not realize that I was telling him I was going to go DATE someone else?!?

And then, even though it was the answer that I had wanted, anger came over me again, like the anger I had felt the night I waited in his room for him to get home so that I could finally confess my feelings for him. I shook my head in disbelief and walked out of his house. I was very calm. But, more important, I was now 100 percent sure of my decision. I was going to go. And I was absolutely going to make the most of my experience. I was fed up with trying to salvage a relationship that felt so one-sided. And for the first time, heartbreak or no heartbreak, I was genuinely excited about leaving and starting this new adventure in my life.

That next day, while I was sitting in my cubicle at work, I confidently signed my contract and mailed it off. A week later, I received confirmation that I was officially a cast member of
The Bachelor
Season 13.

Meanwhile, it had been announced that the new Bachelor was going to be Jason Mesnik, who had previously appeared on
The Bachelorette.
Now, I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that I was a contestant on the show, but of course, my best friends knew. They had been involved in the entire audition process. And as soon as they found out who the Bachelor was, “Operation Melissa & Jason” was in full effect. As far as they were concerned, anyone was better for me than Tye, and this guy actually seemed like he might be a catch.

One day, we were over at Stefani’s house, hanging out and
trying to find something to do, when Reagan got a very devious look on her face and pulled Stefani and me into her office. We all crowded around the computer, and she started searching for videos of Jason on YouTube. Honestly, the Bachelor could have been an eighty-year-old man with no teeth, and they still would have found ways to get me psyched about him. At this point, although I was excited about going on the show, I was also determined not to fall in love with the Bachelor—no matter how wonderful he may be.

Reagan and Stefani pulled up video clip after video clip. They “oohed” and “aahed” their way through every single one. I couldn’t help but smile. They were trying so hard to get me excited about going—and not just about going—but about dating, and finding a potential husband while I was there.

“Look how sweet he is,” Stefani said.

“Look how cute he is,” Reagan said.

“You could really, really be good with him,” they both said.

Yeah, he lives two thousand miles away from me, he’s seven years older than me (which wouldn’t have really mattered, if I weren’t being picky), and he’s a contestant on a reality TV show. Sounds like a great fit . . . um . . . not really.

I was going through the motions because I knew my friends had been so good to me for so long, and they had a right to want me to move on and finally be happy. And, slowly, their efforts started to pay off. Maybe I was just fooling myself, but I did start to think:
He is cute. He is really sweet.