My Secret Sister: Jenny Lucas and Helen Edwards' Family Story (43 page)

‘I’m definitely not Mercia’s daughter,’ she insisted. ‘But don’t let that worry you. We’re all of us sisters in the end.’

I called Jenny and told her what Diana had said.

‘Isn’t it strange?’ Jenny, always so straightforward herself, was perplexed by Diana’s response. ‘She insisted she wanted proof, and now she says the proof is wrong.’

‘I think she wants it to be wrong,’ I suggested. ‘She has very firm ideas about things, and she seems to have convinced herself they made a mistake.’

‘I suppose she doesn’t want to disbelieve her parents.’

‘Well, we could all say that, couldn’t we? But look how wrong we would have been!’

‘Yes, we would never have found each other for a start.’

‘She did say that it didn’t matter because we were all sisters in a way.’

‘Well, just when we thought we’d got all our mother’s children sorted out,’ said Jenny, ‘here comes another one, the very first of her babies, and she was given away too. That was obviously where all the lies began!’

‘But isn’t it amazing? Do you realize we each now have one full sister and nine half-siblings!’

‘Don’t blame your mother for all this, Helen,’ said one of my other cousins recently. ‘Don’t blame her. What you need to remember is that Auntie Mercia was a beautiful woman. She was this tall, Titian-haired, glamorous woman with movie-star looks. She turned heads wherever she went.’

‘That’s what caused all this trouble,’ I cut in. ‘She turned too many heads! This is my mother you’re speaking about – the woman who had all these illegitimate children.’

‘Yes, but you’re remembering your mother, and I’m remembering the beautiful woman she was when she was young.’

‘Hmm!’

‘I remember when Wilf, your and Jenny’s father, used to come round to Grandma’s house with her. He adored her. He absolutely adored her. His eyes would never leave her as she walked around the room.’

‘Yes, his sister said that.’

‘He watched her every movement. It was a great love story.’

‘So why did it end?’

‘That was the mystery. Nobody knew what happened. She just disappeared without him. He waited for her. He adored her. It was only much later, after she came back to Seghill with Tommy and you, that she told Grandma you were Wilf’s baby.’

‘Did Wilfred know what happened, do you think?’

‘I think he must have done. He married only two or three months after Mercia came back with you and Tommy. I’m sure he must have realized, and perhaps married on the rebound.’

‘Did Wilfred know about Tommy?’

‘Yes, I’m sure he did. Seghill was a small place.’

‘That would explain a lot.’

‘Yes.’

‘And Wilfred must have seen me around the village. Perhaps he even spoke to me and I never knew.’

‘Maybe.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me all this before?’

‘It was Mercia. She swore us all to secrecy. And Tommy threatened any of us who told you. He was a forceful man.’

‘Yes. I certainly knew that, every day of my childhood.’ I couldn’t suppress a slight shudder at the memory.

Then she told me something else I didn’t know.

‘Mercia went away to have Jennifer at a home for unmarried mothers in Stannington.’

‘But . . . that’s near where I live now.’

‘Yes, I know.’

‘What was this place called?’

‘They didn’t tell me that, and I didn’t find out till much later.’

‘I must tell Jenny. I wonder whether the building is still there. I shall have to try and find out. I could go and see it. Jenny could come with me to see it next time she comes up.’

I called Jenny, but she was out, so I sat and pondered about my mother’s babies. Diana, born illegitimate when my mother was only seventeen, was given away to a childless relative. George, her only legitimate child, was born in 1940, when his father was away at war, so Mercia was alone with her young baby. Then there was the war effort, and women doing the men’s jobs. At some stage she had to go and work in the ship yards, building tanks and machine-guns. Twelve hour shifts at night. Of course the bombers used to come up the Tyne especially to bomb the ship yards, usually in the early hours. They were a prime target and there were bomb-raids most nights. She was just a young woman from a small village. It must have been terrifying for her. I think she did what she had to do to survive, to have some sort of a life, as so many of them did during the war. ‘Live for the day,’ as they used to say. I can’t blame her for that. There were so many women like her.

Patricia was born in 1943 and again was given away to relatives, Jenny in 1948 and adopted out. Then I came along in 1950. Why did she keep me, I wonder? I suppose it was because she hooked up with Tommy and could pass me off as his. But I never looked like him. Why didn’t I question that? And I suppose I should really have been named Helen Dick, because that was still my mother’s surname when I was born, but of course, that never occurred to me either. My birth certificate was a big lie – two lies really – Mercia’s surname and Tommy being my father. But I didn’t realize the second of those till recently. Why wasn’t I even suspicious? I must have been wearing blinkers all those years – quite oblivious. I can’t believe I missed so many clues along the way.

If she was so beautiful, I wonder how many other boyfriends Mercia had? All the adulation definitely turned her head. She was full of life and laughter when she was the centre of attention in a family gathering, as long as Tommy wasn’t there. He always soured those occasions.

She demanded that adulation from him at home too, but she didn’t often get it. I think that was why she continually goaded him into some kind of reaction. Good or bad, at least it was some kind of recognition, though she suffered from his temper as much as I did.

Mercia could have been anything – a glamorous model perhaps – but she ended up as my mother. For someone whose essential nutrient was attention, this was a considerable blow. When she wasn’t noticed, as a housewife, for example, she was miserable. She craved admiration. Even to the extent of competing with her own daughter. Being a child, I sapped her glory. No wonder I had such a hard time with her.

Many years later, when I trained to be a nurse, I read about narcissistic personality syndrome. It was a revelation. I was reading about my mother. She was a classic case.

I could never do anything right for Mercia. I was always in the wrong and always to blame. That was me as a child. My parents convinced me in the end. The damage was done. All through my life, I continued to apologize. I think that’s part of the reason I felt so confused about it all after Jenny found me and the family started to reveal some of Mercia’s secrets. Even then, as always, I assumed my confusion and my anger were my fault too. Talking it through with the counsellor made me realize that and come to terms with it at last. Now I know I don’t have to say ‘sorry’ any more.

Walking the dogs one day, Dennis and I were chatting as usual and somehow came round to the subject of Mercia again. Following all the revelations of her lies and deceits, and since the counselling sessions, I felt I could stand back and take a more dispassionate look at my strained relationship with her throughout our lives together.

‘I still can’t help wondering why I always went along with it all,’ I said. ‘Why did I let her dominate our lives and insidiously destroy our relationships?’

Dennis gave me a look. ‘Why do
you
think it was?’

‘Well, I think the main reason was the conditioning I’d had from a very young age. I was conditioned that Mercia came first and that I was there for her needs, not the other way round. I felt that she owned me.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes. It was easier to go along with it all, rather than causing any rows or fights. She was so dominant and controlling when she lived with Simon, me and the children, and we had both been so conditioned by then that it was the easiest option to go along with her wishes. Anything for the sake of peace, I suppose.’

‘Hmm. Was that the only reason, do you think?’ Dennis prodded further.

I thought for a moment, then continued. ‘She was so dependent on us that we didn’t know how she could get on without us, and I was always anxious about that. But of course, I didn’t know then all the manipulative things she had done from the very beginning. If I had, things would have been different. But Simon felt it was easier to blow in the wind than stand against it, and I agreed with that.’ I paused to think. ‘Of course there was one other big reason – just before Tommy died, Mercia had asked him what she should do if she was left alone, and he said, “Go to Helen. She will look after you.” This felt like an order, and I had always had to jump to his orders, so this one also had to be obeyed.’

Dennis had listened patiently as I’d waffled through all this. Now he gave me a quizzical look that unnerved me.

‘Do you know what I think?’ he said.

‘No?’ I’d never asked him.

‘You just adored your mother and you always felt guilty to leave her. You were totally blind to that. After all, she was abused, just as you were. You were together in that.’

I was stunned, speechless.

‘A child can ignore so much and refuse to believe anything uncomfortable. You saw her then in the same position as you – you were both the abused. So you always felt protective towards her, regardless of how she was with you. Remember, you had no awareness of all the betrayals she perpetrated on you. So it was about solidarity, and maybe always the hope that she would show her love for you, just as much as you loved her.’

I tried to take all this in. It turned me cold. I’d never considered my relationship with Mercia from this angle before.

‘Do you think I’m right?

Slowly I emerged from the fog of my confusion and nodded. ‘Yes . . . I think you are right. I think that’s exactly how it was. Why did I never see it for myself?’

‘Maybe because you were too close to it and too wearied by everything at the time,’ said Dennis. ‘The shadow of Mercia has hung over you all your life, and perhaps it always will.’

This conversation has stayed with me. Dennis was absolutely right. Now at last I understand.

Finding Jenny has helped me to put the past where it belongs and move forward. There is so much joy in having a sister after so many solitary years. We laugh a lot together – that’s a great healer. Both of us have a deep well of inner strength, germinated in our past. It has made us the two people we are today – survivors.

Jenny

I’ve said to Helen that I feel guilty because I had the life. Not a lot of money, not a lot of glamour or possessions, but unstinting love. I couldn’t have had two better parents, who cared for me and look after me brilliantly.

It was a great shock for me to learn that I was the more fortunate one. I escaped when I was six weeks old. Helen is really only escaping now.

Looking back on all those years of searching and finally finding Helen, it’s been a big thing in both our lives. It’s not that I feel any different. I still live the same life. But I now have my sister to fill the void I always had. Helen is that something that I always knew was missing – a sister of my own. We speak to each other all the time, but we live three hundred and fifty miles apart, so we don’t get to meet up much. The last time Helen came down here, we had a great time together.

‘It would be so good to have you living just round the corner,’ I said.

‘Do you know what? I love it here.’ She smiled. ‘It’s great!’

I know it isn’t likely to happen, though. Her children are up there and ours are down here and the family business is down here too. At least we can talk as often as we like, and we do chat for ages once we start! Phone calls often last for an hour or two, most days, and texts on top of that. Well, we have to make up for lost time.

I know we’ll always be close now, and I hope our relationship continues to develop. Every time we talk we find out something new about each other. That’s how we discovered so many similarities and coincidences. It was quite spooky to find we had so much in common.

I would strongly recommend anyone to go ahead and track down their missing relatives. You might well get knocked back along the way, like I was, but stick at it if you can. The outcome is fantastic. I’d say, ‘Go for it! And don’t take no for an answer.’

We have a lot to look forward to, most of all to be a greater part of each other’s lives, doing things together. When Helen was here last it was absolutely brilliant. We just wandered along the high street laughing and talking all the time. These are the simple, special times we’ve missed, so it’s important that we do things and go places together now. That’s what families do, isn’t it? Share their lives with each other.

Helen

‘Nothing surprises me after all this,’ I said to Jenny. ‘The sky could fall in and I wouldn’t flinch. And if, somehow, some revelation came out that we were actually twins, I wouldn’t be surprised.’

Our relationship is very strong and we are so alike, not just physically, but in the way we think. Sometimes I decide I’ll just call Jenny, and the phone will go and it’s her. Occasionally I’ll send her a card to say, ‘Hi, how are you?’, and she’ll post me one on the same day. It seems almost telepathic. I always knew there was part of me missing, but now I feel more complete.

We’re not together on a daily basis, Jenny and I, but we don’t need to be. We each know the other is there. That’s the main thing. We both really want this sister relationship. We need it. So we’re determined that nobody is going to take it away from us again. This is ours. It’s something we have waited a long time for.

We each feel that we have done things as sensitively as possible, because that’s what we’re both like. We’ve tried not to upset or hurt anyone. We only wanted to find out what should have been our right to know from the beginning. But the penny has dropped. All this happened because the adults in our lives were not being considerate or thoughtful towards us, keeping secrets and refusing to answer simple but crucial questions. I wouldn’t change anything about the way we acted on this journey, except for one thing. We should have done it years ago!